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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband's horrible fumbling

106 replies

EasyToEatTiger · 26/02/2012 17:00

My husband fumbles around with my genitals when I am asleep. He does not seem to understand that I HATE IT. I really hate it. I hate waking up with him fiddling about. I want to scream and run away. He does not say anything to me, he does not touch any other part of me, and he does not seem to care that I am trying to sleep.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 21:24

indeed

startthefansplease · 26/02/2012 22:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

signet2012 · 26/02/2012 22:05

My DP has made it clear to me on number of occasions if I wake up feeling a bit fruity then I am to do to him what I please... (not that Im ever going to wake up especially to start pissing about with him when I could be asleep!!!)

However:

He knows that the same does not apply to me. If he touches me sexually whilst Im asleep he will get a punch. Not through me being violent but it will be my instinctive reaction most likely.

If you are not comfortable or happy. He doesnt do it. OR he doesnt get in the bed. End of.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 22:13

glad you bailed, then start

eschewed is a great word

RubyRainbow · 26/02/2012 23:00

kick him out
that is bang out of order

smartiesrule · 26/02/2012 23:06

I wouldn't share the same bed. In fact I wouldn't share the same house!

ifeelloved · 26/02/2012 23:10

My dh does this and it winds
Me up. To be fair to him, he thinks he's being affectionate and showing me hiw much he loves mr, i have said it makes me feel suffocated and unwilling to have sex, he's apologised and everything is great. I'm not grumpy due to being woken up and we have sex more often!

Op I'm not sure if this is similar or not, but you have to make it clear that his fumblings are not welcome and tell him how it makes you feel. If he is unwilling to change or see things from your point of view then there really isn't much hope.

EvenBetter · 26/02/2012 23:12

Why did you choose to marry him? I doubt he's absolutely wonderful in every aspect of life but for his nocturnal assault of his wife?
Either get him out of your house (as you should) or accept he will continue to assault you, probably getting worse, as he's indicated there's nothing wrong with it.

Yogii · 27/02/2012 06:37

"It is the first time I have spelled it out"

I don't know if you did that after starting this thread or before, but that's exactly what you needed to do, and now that you have let's hope it stops. It really must, because once made clear there's no excuse.

After seeing so much ranting here, I am wondering, do you think of yourself as a woman who's routinely sexually assaulted by your husband?

kodachrome · 27/02/2012 08:24

To be fair, yogii, the OP said in an earlier post that she had told him to wait until she was awake. That seemed a clear communication of her wishes, imo.

But let's hope absolutely spelling it out to him in no uncertain terms will get through to him. None of this pussy-footing around saying 'wait until I'm awake' and other such difficult to understand concepts.

Nyac · 27/02/2012 08:37

TBH, you shouldn't have to spell it out. It will be very clear you don't like it. He's just ignoring you so he can do what he wants.

Original poster

EasyToEatTiger · 27/02/2012 10:03

It is not easy to tell someone you hate it when they do something, when they think they are being kind. I think he has problems of his own to sort out.

OP posts:

EvenBetter · 27/02/2012 10:43

^^
'when they think they ate being kind'
Pretty sure he does not think he's being 'kind'...

Yogii · 27/02/2012 11:19

Yes EvenBetter, you're probably right and clearly in a much better position to judge than the woman who lives with him and thinks he is being kind. Jeez.

Yogii · 27/02/2012 11:19

Sorry, that should read 'thinks he thinks he's being kind"

BertieBotts · 27/02/2012 11:22

If he genuinely thinks he is doing you some kind of favour, how come he did not listen before when you asked him to wait until you were awake?

He might well have issues to sort out, but issues are never an excuse to abuse another person, and you don't have to put up with this. He either deals with his issues, and remember however much you want to help with this you can't, you're too close, or the relationship is unsustainable. If you have children consider what they are learning from the way daddy behaves, too.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 11:42

He could deal with his "issues" the fuck away from you and then perhaps you won't make excuses for his sexual assult of you

Nyac · 27/02/2012 11:44

The other thing about this is sleep deprivation, which is another form of abuse.

Yogii · 27/02/2012 11:59

Of course! Deliberate sleep deprivation too. What form of abuse is that, is there a genre? Does it sound as menacing as 'sexual abuse'?

OP, the solution is so easy. With all this abuse going on a quick call to the police and he'll be behind bars for a decade or more.

Double Jeez.

Nyac · 27/02/2012 12:06

Cut out the sarcasm Yogii. The OP says "he doesn't care that I'm trying to sleep". She's got a right to her sleep just as she's got a right to decide what happens to her body, neither of which her husband seems to care about.

Do you approve of his behaviour?

Yogii · 27/02/2012 12:15

According to her she thinks that he thinks he's being nice, which does not equal not caring.

No I don't approve. I think if he's been told to stop he should stop.

I do however think that all this 'abuse/assault' stuff has gone over the top, which is why I asked the question of the OP, "do you think of yourself as a woman who's routinely sexually assaulted by your husband?".

She's posted since and didn't answer so it seems we will never know.

AnyFucker · 27/02/2012 12:32

Yogii, most of the rest of the decent world would say her husband is sexually assaulting her

The people that say he isn't are making excuses for sexual assault...are you one of them ?

BertieBotts · 27/02/2012 12:37

What do you define as assault, then Yogii?

From NHS website about sexual assault (the first UK source I found which was "official")

"A sexual assault can range from inappropriate touching, to a life-threatening attack, rape or any other penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus. It's a myth that victims of sexual assault always look battered and bruised. A sexual assault may leave no outward signs, but it's still a crime...[the perpetrator] could be a partner, former partner, husband, relative, friend or colleague.

Most sexual assaults happen in the home of the victim or perpetrator (the person carrying out the assault).

Sexual assault is an act that is carried out without the victim?s active consent. This means they didn?t agree to it."

BertieBotts · 27/02/2012 12:37

Sorry: Link to whole article.

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Sexualhealth/Pages/Sexualassault.aspx

Lueji · 27/02/2012 12:43

OP, it doesn't matter if you think that he thinks he is being kind.
If YOU think it's horrible and you don't like it, just say it. If he loves you he will stop.
If he doesn't stop...

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