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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband's horrible fumbling

106 replies

EasyToEatTiger · 26/02/2012 17:00

My husband fumbles around with my genitals when I am asleep. He does not seem to understand that I HATE IT. I really hate it. I hate waking up with him fiddling about. I want to scream and run away. He does not say anything to me, he does not touch any other part of me, and he does not seem to care that I am trying to sleep.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveNoLips · 26/02/2012 18:46

Eugh. I think I'd scream at him and kick him very hard. See how he likes being assaulted. Bleeee.

AyeRobot · 26/02/2012 18:49

Wear knickers? Are those magic knickers that render one impervious to sexual assault?

Shazjack1 · 26/02/2012 18:57

What a complete bastard!! I think I would be sleeping elsewhere. I used to work with a woman whos husband used to climb on top of her while she slept and just bundle it in! She left him eventually, I would have punched his lights out!!

FabbyChic · 26/02/2012 18:57

It was just a thought. Id not even sleep in the same bed as him to be honest.

Nyac · 26/02/2012 19:01

Tell him if he does it again you'll call the police.

Seriously. As everybody else has said, it's sexual assault.

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 26/02/2012 19:02

I have the dogs (of the canine variety) on my sideGrin. Thank you again for putting into words what has been going on. As I have said, it is very hard to articulate and it is not something that is easy to write about. We also saw a Relate consellor who took sides and was worse than useless. Again, trust broken.

OP posts:
Nyac · 26/02/2012 19:03

You don't have to articulate to him how it makes you feel either. Just tell him to stop. You don't have to justify not wanting your body touched like this.

Have you seen a solicitor about starting divorce proceedings yet?

kodachrome · 26/02/2012 19:03

Deal-breaker for me. Grabbing your nethers when you're asleep is not, by any stretch of the elastic, affectionate.

Nyac · 26/02/2012 19:05

Also the manipulation him pretending to feel rejected because you don't want him to sexually molest you. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

Poor you having to live with a man like this.

sneakybeak · 26/02/2012 19:05

I know I'm going to be a lone voice here...

Is he awake?

My DH does this in his sleep. Honestly. It's irritating but nothing sinister (and yes - he definitely is asleep)

Thistledew · 26/02/2012 19:06

Your priority should not be his feelings of rejection, but your own feelings of discomfort. It is within his own power to stop feeling rejected (what a load of emotional blackmail) by altering his own behaviour to stop behaving in a way that you quite rightly reject.

ChickensHaveNoLips · 26/02/2012 19:07

He feels rejected because you object when he molests you? Good! He should feel fucking rejected!

Original poster
EasyToEatTiger · 26/02/2012 19:24

He is not asleep when this happens.

OP posts:
Lueji · 26/02/2012 19:27

Relate counsellor took his side? WTF?

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 19:28

what are you going to do about this, OP ?

your husband is sexually assaulting you

if a stranger did this he would be arrested...it doesn't make it any more explainable that you are married to your abuser

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 19:29

< adds this thread to list of evidence why joint counselling doesn't work in abusive relationships >

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 19:29

that is two tonight so far

NinthWave · 26/02/2012 19:30

Can you sleep in a different room, with a lock on the door? Or even better, fit a lock on your bedroom door and make him sleep somewhere else.

Please don't think that you should put up with this, or listen to his pathetic excuses.

Lueji · 26/02/2012 19:31

Ex wasn't as bad as this, but he would always try to grope if we had a hug or just sat together, even though I told him not to.
It lead to me avoiding physical contact unless for sex. Even then he was always too fast, iykwim.

If he had done that he would at least have some nail marks on him.

I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms to not do it or leave.

TheOriginalNutcracker · 26/02/2012 19:33

My xp used to do this. One of the many reasons why he is an x.

You really do not have to put up with this.

sneakybeak · 26/02/2012 19:35

If he's awake then you have my sympathy. That's horrid Sad

ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 26/02/2012 19:37

The idea of sleeping behind a door locked against the person you should be able to trust implicitly is appalling. As is adjusting your nightwear to give yourself 'protection.'
If that's the only way of making him stop this he really shouldn't even be in your house. Behind bars would be more appropriate.

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 19:39

absolutely, shotgun

and well said

those of you advocating a physical barrier to his approaches, please review what you are actually saying

what next ?

chastity belts ?

feedbackforfree · 26/02/2012 19:40

Shit, think I'm guilty of sexual assault. I certainly have groped my blokes in the middle of night. Fortunately, they react accordingly and don't seem to think of this as assault. Just another point of view.....

AnyFucker · 26/02/2012 19:42

it's not an appropriate POV unless those blokes objected and made it clear they didn't like it

OP has said she doesn't welcome the "advances"

what are you saying, FBFF, that she should ?

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