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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please read this?

80 replies

Rhubarb · 27/01/2006 13:01

It's a letter to my mum. Not sure if I should send it or not. Dh hates stuff like this so I know he won't help me. Sorry about hanging my washing out in public and all that, but I could do with a little advice y'all! Many thanks!

(just to recap, she came to visit with niece and friend, I saw her h touching them both inappropriately, I told her to have a word)

Dear Mum

I'm writing this because I feel that I'm in a bit of a limbo-land. You see I have all these feelings built up inside me and whenever you call to make small talk, they are not getting any better. There are so many things that I want to say to you. I feel hurt and betrayed by you. Yes, this is still about what happened with M (her husband). I still cannot get my head round the fact that you told K (my niece) at the airport about what I'd said to you, and you told her to tell her dad before I did. I was trying to be so discreet! You know I would not have told S (my brother and dad of niece), I'm not like that, I have never been like that. Generally what is said to me, stays with me. I have never before given you cause to think that I might seek out my own gratification from a bad situation. That you put K in that awful position is beyond my comprehension, why did you do that? Why not just have a word with M as I suggested?

Then when K did tell her dad, as you had instructed her to do, you then make a disgusting phone call to me screaming, may God forgive me for what I have done! What had I done at that point mum? The deed had been yours. You accused me of telling S, something you knew to be untrue. Was it because I had said something against M? Did you feel that I was making it up just to get at him? Did you feel the need to punish me for saying anything at all? You caused another argument between yourself, your husband and your son, not to mention me. Was it worth it? I am still being blamed for that. For this reason I feel very betrayed by you and very wronged. I cannot believe that you would put your own feelings before those of your grand-daughter, your husband, your son and your daughter.

So far you seem happy to make small talk to me, presuming no doubt that this will have been swept under the carpet. But you see I'm having a little difficulty in letting this go, difficulty in understanding your reasons why. I can forgive because you are my mum, but I can't forget I'm afraid.

I also feel angry about P (my brother who has special needs). I think that you don't want him to ever leave home, even though it is in his best interests. One day you will not be able to care for him and then he will be devastated, he will be unable to care for himself because he was never given the chance and so he will end up in a home. 2 weeks in a shared house is not long enough for you to decide if it is best for him or not. And if you knew all along that it was not right for him, then why did you go through with it? To raise his hopes in that way, to cause that other family lots of inconvenience when he moved out, to waste the time and the resources of the social services, why did you do that? So you could tell people that you tried with him? Because it would not be good if you were not seen to be doing something. Yet the something you did do failed because you wanted it to. As will anything else that you arrange for him.

I have no doubts that you will tell the family about this letter, even though this is against my wishes. This matter is between yourself and me and I do not like getting other people involved. I do not want to feed the family's need for gossip myself. But once again, if you do choose to relate this letter to other people, then I have kept a copy so that I am sure I am not being mis-quoted.

I sincerely hope that you are able to find some peace within yourself and that the family can once again become close and friendly

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 27/01/2006 13:04

How hOnest do you want to be ?

LadySherlockofLGJ · 27/01/2006 13:04

Want me to be even?

NotActuallyAMum · 27/01/2006 13:07

LadyS I wonder if you're thinking the same as me....

lou33 · 27/01/2006 13:10

Don't send it Rhuby

From what i have read and picked up on, all it will do is create another long running argument, and give your mum more fuel to feel sorry for herself, and ammo to hurt you

Having said that, i am a fine one to talk, seeing as i stood in the middle of gatwick airport screaming at my mil that she was a poisonous witch. That's given her reason to hate me ever since, but i actually don't give a shit, unlike you.

winnie · 27/01/2006 13:23

Rhubarb, don't send it. It will, as others have said only fuel her further. Vent your anger another way and - easier said than done - let it go. Do not have a realationship with her and heal yourself. You cannot change her and you are not responsible for her behaviour towards you or anyone else.

HTH Take care of yourself, Winnie

Pinchypants · 27/01/2006 13:27

Hi Rhuby,
Gosh, what a complicated situation! I hope you don't mind me butting in, but there have been a couple of unpleasant tanglings between various members of my mum's family in recent years, and I completely understand how torn you must feel between being honest with your mum about how betrayed you feel, and still wanting a good relationship with her.
My gut feeling is not to send the letter. Keep it by all means, and keep writing stuff down, maybe in a journal, so all this isn't in your head, but don't send it. She will never completely see your point of view, and there's something about a letter that becomes 'evidence' against you. I would be sorely tempted to send it myself, but would try and resist, because however well you have expressed yourself, it won't be received in the spirit you intended it and can only cause more damage.
Small talk with your mum when you have so much you want to say to her and you are so angry must be painful, but it may be the only way not to get dragged down further into what could disintegrate into a very nasty situation. Try and resolve your anger yourself, as she has not been able to, and forgive her fully.
Good luck honey
Pinchy xxx

Next · 27/01/2006 13:27

I don't know what to say. I have followed some of your posts and it is obvious you want some closure one way or another with your mum.

Perhaps you should wait until you can give her the letter in person, so you can discuss it with her straight away afterwards.

Original poster
Rhubarb · 27/01/2006 13:30

DOH! Thought it was a good letter! What's wrong with it then?
Just can't seem to move on that's all. I want her to stop phoning and making stupid small talk with me. Wanted to draw line under it all, but whilst I still feel very wronged and betrayed, that's hard to do.

OP posts:
winnie · 27/01/2006 13:44

Rhubarb it is not the letter that is wrong it is the situation and sadly you cannot do anything about how your mother choses to behave.

You can however, create some distance, protect and heal yourself (but I know this is easier said than done).

winnie · 27/01/2006 13:45

"choses"?

WigWamBam · 27/01/2006 13:48

It's a brilliant letter, but I agree that it would just be more fuel for your mum to throw back at you and hurt you with. I think it would just fan the flames of an already volatile relationship, and you are going to be hurt even more that you already are.

lou33 · 27/01/2006 13:50

There is nothing wrong with the letter rhuby, the problem lies with your mum and her refusal to see your pov. It won't matter what you send to her or how hard you try for closure, she is not able to give it to you right now. Sadly the only way to do it is in your own mind, finding your own way.

Original poster
Rhubarb · 27/01/2006 13:51

Ok, will just file it then. I'd probably say the same to anyone else. I'm just finding it hard to draw a line under this whole thing. My feelings come bubbling to the top and there is nowhere for them to go.

OP posts:
catsmother · 27/01/2006 13:52

I haven't spoken to my sister for some years now. It's a long story, but in a similar-ish way to your situation, there'd been years of various "incidents" till it got to the point where I'd had enough.

I could have written a very long detailed letter listing all her misdemeanours but suspected that that would have tempted her to reply with assorted justifications etc. and it would have degenerated into a row.

In the end, I wrote her a very short note explaining that as an adult I wanted to be honest and therefore no longer wanted to have anything to do with her. I think I said something along the lines of "it should be obvious why", without elaborating. I then asked her not to contact me.

To write something like that, you have to be sure you want to end a relationship, as opposed to asking for answers. TBH, the impression I had from your letter was that - quite rightly - you feel tremendously hurt, and want to know why your mum behaved like this ...... I really can't think of any logical reason why an adult woman would behave like this, other than to deliberately cause trouble out of spite, or because she has issues about control, being centre of attention, enjoying a drama, or because she's a bit doolally. I just wonder if you'd ever get the answers you wanted - and an apology - from someone like that ??? I think that maybe asking her to justify herself would probably prolong the torture.

Original poster
Rhubarb · 27/01/2006 13:54

What I really want right now is to sever all contact, but whilst my brother still lives with her I cannot do that.

OP posts:
Blu · 27/01/2006 14:00

Rhubarb, I think it is a brilliant letter. It explains clearly and so painfully how you feel. But the problem is that SHE will not, will never, be the person to give you closure. It's like women who have been betrayed and abandoned by cheating men expecting that man to make them feel better, as they sob helplessly down the phone at 3am. (we've all done it!).

She will simply use this letter as you predict, to pick further at a running sore. And worse, she may well invlve K further.

Give it to your priest, read it to the Samaritans, take it to a counsellor. Your feelings do need somewhere to go, but your Mum won't listen.

That's the saddest thing, and the thing that you may not ba able to change. Ever.

bossykate · 27/01/2006 14:07

sorry, rhuby, i agree with blu - great post.

Original poster
Rhubarb · 27/01/2006 14:08

S'ok. I know I need to talk about it to someone, just finding who. Want to put it behind me. Thanks for your honesty!

OP posts:
foundintranslation · 27/01/2006 14:33

It's so difficult, this letting go. I must have written about 5 or 6 long letters to my parents since they cut me off, hurt ones, angry ones, ones offering olive branches, ones I've spent sleepless nights wording, and they don't listen and don't listen and don't listen, and yet I still try again and again. We're actually meeting up in 4 months' time, because I want ds to have both sets of grandparents, although I know they haven't changed their position and will probably reject ds as hurtfully as they are doing now, but I still try. Despite all the s**t I still haven't got the courage to take what I know would be the most liberating step and just leave it.
Maybe you and I both will get to the point we need to be at with all this some day.

Original poster
Rhubarb · 27/01/2006 14:35

Hope so too!

OP posts:
Meanoldmummy · 27/01/2006 14:39

I've written a lot of letters like this to my mum. Well written, meticulously planned letters, with everything set out clearly and saying exactly what I want to say. The trouble is, it's pearls before swine. If she is as I suspect she is, it wouldn't matter how amazingly good and well-presented your letters are, she WILL use it as something to hurt you with. It's attack as a form of defence. If there isn't anything in the letter she can use, she will twist it so that there is.

It's a great letter, Rhubarb, if you are writing to a rational and reasonable person who will give your arguments a chance and respond in a measured way. Otherwise I would give yourself a bit more time. One thing that is in evidence in that letter is how painful you are finding all of this. She will definitely pick that up from reading it, even if she doesn't bother to absorb the content properly. I'd back off for a bit longer if it was me.

Good luck, it sounds awful and so familiar

Meanoldmummy · 27/01/2006 14:41

I agree with Blu too. You DO need to show this letter/talk about this situation to somebody. But not her. I always say with my mother - trying to be honest with her is like p*ssing in a sieve. Total waste of time.

Original poster
Rhubarb · 27/01/2006 14:43

You're right, I do need to talk to someone. Are there any internet counselling sites? Can't afford to pay, and in France so usual channels are unknowable by me, plus language barrier.

OP posts:
Tortington · 28/01/2006 01:30

je suis libre.

hope ive not just said am a prostitute!

Meanoldmummy · 28/01/2006 02:24

Rhuby...I had a quick scout round and didn't find any "internet counselling" that was really worth having (or free)....if I had I would have been taking it myself as well as letting you know!! I think you have already done the donkey work though, you know what the problem is and how it needs to be solved. But your mother is not capable of co-operating at the moment (and may never be)...so you have to find someone else to help you make sense of the situation you have been left in. I really hope you do. If I sound weird it's because I am TOTALLY shitting it about my mum and can't bring myself to do anything about her. Sorry to be blunt, but sometimes I think it would be easier if she just died. I try not to think that way, but she is destroying my life. And yet I have seen thread about MNers whose mothers have died, and I don't want to slight their loss. I am a mess