Please read this?

[Rhubarb]

It's a letter to my mum. Not sure if I should send it or not. Dh hates stuff like this so I know he won't help me. Sorry about hanging my washing out in public and all that, but I could do with a little advice y'all! Many thanks!

(just to recap, she came to visit with niece and friend, I saw her h touching them both inappropriately, I told her to have a word)

Dear Mum

I'm writing this because I feel that I'm in a bit of a limbo-land. You see I have all these feelings built up inside me and whenever you call to make small talk, they are not getting any better. There are so many things that I want to say to you. I feel hurt and betrayed by you. Yes, this is still about what happened with M (her husband). I still cannot get my head round the fact that you told K (my niece) at the airport about what I'd said to you, and you told her to tell her dad before I did. I was trying to be so discreet! You know I would not have told S (my brother and dad of niece), I'm not like that, I have never been like that. Generally what is said to me, stays with me. I have never before given you cause to think that I might seek out my own gratification from a bad situation. That you put K in that awful position is beyond my comprehension, why did you do that? Why not just have a word with M as I suggested?

Then when K did tell her dad, as you had instructed her to do, you then make a disgusting phone call to me screaming, may God forgive me for what I have done! What had I done at that point mum? The deed had been yours. You accused me of telling S, something you knew to be untrue. Was it because I had said something against M? Did you feel that I was making it up just to get at him? Did you feel the need to punish me for saying anything at all? You caused another argument between yourself, your husband and your son, not to mention me. Was it worth it? I am still being blamed for that. For this reason I feel very betrayed by you and very wronged. I cannot believe that you would put your own feelings before those of your grand-daughter, your husband, your son and your daughter.

So far you seem happy to make small talk to me, presuming no doubt that this will have been swept under the carpet. But you see I'm having a little difficulty in letting this go, difficulty in understanding your reasons why. I can forgive because you are my mum, but I can't forget I'm afraid.

I also feel angry about P (my brother who has special needs). I think that you don't want him to ever leave home, even though it is in his best interests. One day you will not be able to care for him and then he will be devastated, he will be unable to care for himself because he was never given the chance and so he will end up in a home. 2 weeks in a shared house is not long enough for you to decide if it is best for him or not. And if you knew all along that it was not right for him, then why did you go through with it? To raise his hopes in that way, to cause that other family lots of inconvenience when he moved out, to waste the time and the resources of the social services, why did you do that? So you could tell people that you tried with him? Because it would not be good if you were not seen to be doing something. Yet the something you did do failed because you wanted it to. As will anything else that you arrange for him.

I have no doubts that you will tell the family about this letter, even though this is against my wishes. This matter is between yourself and me and I do not like getting other people involved. I do not want to feed the family's need for gossip myself. But once again, if you do choose to relate this letter to other people, then I have kept a copy so that I am sure I am not being mis-quoted.

I sincerely hope that you are able to find some peace within yourself and that the family can once again become close and friendly

He did move into a shared house with a friend, mum had the right to employ 4 carers to look after him, he lived just across the road from his sister, the neighbours knew him, it was perfect. He lasted 2 weeks. She pulled him out after he had a row about the remote control. She told us all that it wouldn't last and she made damn sure that it didn't! But now she tells everyone that she tried and it didn't work for him! WTF!

Tried over Christmas sobernow, it never happened.

Oooh. Dunno what else to say. Need booze!

You're great you are!

You've been given some brilliant advice for something that has no easy solution. On balance, I would not send this letter. It may be better to attempt to change your mother's controlling ways by less direct means. You are not dealing with a rational adult, as you and others have so eloquently said.

Can you break down the problem, think of one or two small changes that would help things,(some small change in the way your mother looks after your brother for instance) and by devious means, redirect her, manipulate things just a little - keep chipping away at the smaller stuff. Not an ideal solution, but more workable, perhaps, and it might help make you feel a bit better about the larger stuff?

HI tigermoth, not seen you for ages! I have tried breaking it down little by little, I thought I was doing so well by keeping a distance and doling out advice. Every now and then I'd have those phone calls with her when I thought I had gotten though, that she understood, but then she'd carry on just where she left off and I realised that I'd made no difference whatsoever. My sister is still doing this. I think personally that she needs to be sectionned.

How would you feel if I told you that this woman fosters children?

LOL Rhubarb...my mother has adopted two children, one with severe autism and one with severe cerebral palsy. To the outside world/social workers etc she is Supermum. She just didn't give a witch's tit about her own children That's a difficult veneer to break, when you know the woman is a certifiable lunatic who needs urgent treatment.

You do sound like a really bright, intuitive woman though, despite your stinky start in life. There is good advice here, too. I think as long as you pace yourself and follow your instincts you'll get through this.

HI Rhubarb, I remember you saying on another thread that she fosters children. I followed a thread you started about your brother going into the shared flat and how your mother sabotaged the plans. From what you've said your mum appears to listen to no one else and makes very questionable decisions about care.

I keep thinking though, that some day, she will fall foul of someone in authority. A doctor, a social worker, a teacher will question a decision she's made or object to her refusal to take other people's suggestions on board. What about the children she's fostered - as they grow up, some of them might question how she treated her own children. (I take it she treats her fostered children well). Her home life is not entirely private if she fosters, presumably? Give it time, and someone, somewhere will make a complaint about her, don't you think? I remember you saying she is getting worse as she gets older, so really, it could just be a matter of time.

Given what you've said about her, honestly, all I think you can do it step back from it all.

Thanks Tigermoth. Yes it will take time. The frustrating thing is that me and my sister are in touch with the social workers and we are shouting as loud as we can that this woman needs help, that she shouldn't be caring for my bro let alone fostering more children (she has a problem 12yo atm and all these children affect my bro too, they tease him, steal from him, etc). Sooner or later yes, things will be picked up, but we'd rather it was sooner iykwim. Very annoying that ss refuse to act because so far she is doing a service and they don't want to get involved.

visit anytime, mail me with your phone number, ez is always on the internet. maybe we could crash alondon or brighton meet whilst your here. miss you very much too xxx

Hi FioFio, yes you are right, I would be well not to show my vulnerable side. When I asked her if she thought that I would be upset when she screamed down the telephone at me, she actually said that no, she didn't think I would be upset because I don't appear upset about anything. I hated to tell her that this was my defensive mechanism to protect myself against her!

Custy, just tried calling you again 10 mins ago! Will try to visit during one of the bank holidays we have here, will look into it and flights and stuff and will let you know. Be great to see you! Did you say you had a bike shed I could stay in?

its plugged in now. promise

Engaged!!!!! Perhaps it's just me that can't get through?

Parents make mistakes sometimes which are too painful for them to acknowledge to themselves, let alone to others. This is why I don't think the letter will open any kind of rational discussion with your mother, it will be too painful for her to give any credence to.

I agree that your mother is not going to provide closure for you on this, you need to move on from it yourself and accept that these past events cannot be resolved with your mother, the wrongs cannot be righted, or even acknowledged by her, and you need to start thinking of your relationship in a new light - it will never be what it was (or what you believed it was).

Only then will things be easier. I don't think things can go forward in the way that you desire them to - but you can still make things go forward if you want to.

Sorry you have been through such an emotional trauma, Rhubarb. Sounds as though you are ready for the next step onwards.

My heart leaps every time I see her number come up on the phone, I don't want to answer it, to speak to her, but I know that I cannot ignore her either, I have to be the bigger person in all of this. I dread birthdays, Mothers Day, Christmas and so on. I feel such a phoney if I send her a card because there are no feelings attached to it, yet I cannot not send one because unlike her I do actually care about hurting her too much. These are the issues that lie unresolved and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep up this superficial relationship with her. But what else can I do?

I don't know what you should do Rhubarb, but she isn't ever going to be the mother you want and deserve.

You need to look after yourself, so if sending her a card makes you feel you have done a good thing towards the person who brought you into this world then do it. If it messes you up and that messes up your dh & kids then stop doing it. But really I think you need to find your own way through, and the most important thing is to let go of the idea of your mother turning into a supportive or even reasonable behaving person in your life as this will never happen

But you will find greater happiness when you truly reconcile yourself with this. i feel for you.

by the way you can still be the bigger person without answering the phone

sorry - mi nan phoned - its plugged in i promise!
e-mail me your number

It's ok Lisa! Will speak to you later! I know you're not unplugging the phone really!

Just had a heart to heart with dh, he's suggested that next time she phones (which will be soon cause it's my birthday on Thurs and I'm dreading it) that I'm honest with her and tell her that I cannot do the superficial relationship anymore. She is welcome to talk to the kids and send them cards and presents and stuff, but I don't want her to contact me anymore. I know that she will then go to everyone in the family and tell them what a horrible person I am, she will fake illness and tell them that I will have made her that way, I will get a phone call from my eldest bro asking me to speak to her because she's so upset and ill. But I have to be strong now and say that this is my decision, no, our decision (me and dh) and unless she changes lots and apologies for the hurt caused, I cannot have a relationship with her.

I don't want to re-build another relationship because I feel that is just setting myself up for another fall, she'll find another way to hurt me. My defence is this. Wish me luck!