Please read this?

[Rhubarb]

It's a letter to my mum. Not sure if I should send it or not. Dh hates stuff like this so I know he won't help me. Sorry about hanging my washing out in public and all that, but I could do with a little advice y'all! Many thanks!

(just to recap, she came to visit with niece and friend, I saw her h touching them both inappropriately, I told her to have a word)

Dear Mum

I'm writing this because I feel that I'm in a bit of a limbo-land. You see I have all these feelings built up inside me and whenever you call to make small talk, they are not getting any better. There are so many things that I want to say to you. I feel hurt and betrayed by you. Yes, this is still about what happened with M (her husband). I still cannot get my head round the fact that you told K (my niece) at the airport about what I'd said to you, and you told her to tell her dad before I did. I was trying to be so discreet! You know I would not have told S (my brother and dad of niece), I'm not like that, I have never been like that. Generally what is said to me, stays with me. I have never before given you cause to think that I might seek out my own gratification from a bad situation. That you put K in that awful position is beyond my comprehension, why did you do that? Why not just have a word with M as I suggested?

Then when K did tell her dad, as you had instructed her to do, you then make a disgusting phone call to me screaming, may God forgive me for what I have done! What had I done at that point mum? The deed had been yours. You accused me of telling S, something you knew to be untrue. Was it because I had said something against M? Did you feel that I was making it up just to get at him? Did you feel the need to punish me for saying anything at all? You caused another argument between yourself, your husband and your son, not to mention me. Was it worth it? I am still being blamed for that. For this reason I feel very betrayed by you and very wronged. I cannot believe that you would put your own feelings before those of your grand-daughter, your husband, your son and your daughter.

So far you seem happy to make small talk to me, presuming no doubt that this will have been swept under the carpet. But you see I'm having a little difficulty in letting this go, difficulty in understanding your reasons why. I can forgive because you are my mum, but I can't forget I'm afraid.

I also feel angry about P (my brother who has special needs). I think that you don't want him to ever leave home, even though it is in his best interests. One day you will not be able to care for him and then he will be devastated, he will be unable to care for himself because he was never given the chance and so he will end up in a home. 2 weeks in a shared house is not long enough for you to decide if it is best for him or not. And if you knew all along that it was not right for him, then why did you go through with it? To raise his hopes in that way, to cause that other family lots of inconvenience when he moved out, to waste the time and the resources of the social services, why did you do that? So you could tell people that you tried with him? Because it would not be good if you were not seen to be doing something. Yet the something you did do failed because you wanted it to. As will anything else that you arrange for him.

I have no doubts that you will tell the family about this letter, even though this is against my wishes. This matter is between yourself and me and I do not like getting other people involved. I do not want to feed the family's need for gossip myself. But once again, if you do choose to relate this letter to other people, then I have kept a copy so that I am sure I am not being mis-quoted.

I sincerely hope that you are able to find some peace within yourself and that the family can once again become close and friendly

Meanoldmummy, I know exactly what you mean. If my mother died I could still cling onto those memories of her that are not too bad, whereas the more she goes on the more damage she does and the harder I find it to relate to her. If she dies I think the whole family, whilst devastated, would be relieved too. We could pick ourselves up and get on with our lives, whilst at the moment she is at the forefront of many of my siblings lives and they cannot let go whilst she is still there. It feels so wrong to be thinking such thoughts, but we can't help our feelings.

Custy, no you're not a prozzy! I know you're there mate and you understand more than most what is going on. I wonder if you would mind if perhaps I arranged a little visit to you sometimes in the near future? I'd have to have a word with dh, but I'd love to see you, I really do miss you!

Rhubarb can I offer a slightly different view on your letter and whether you should send it. I think the letter details very well why you are hurt. What it doesn;t do - and I think this is why is just becomes fuel - is offer a way forward. Why do you want to write it? what do ou want to come out of it? The purpose of the letter is not clear. Do you want to mend bridges? If so say so - say that the reason you are putting these things in writing is because you would like your relationship to move forward again and you can't do that unless you both deal with what happened. If you do want to mend bridges then I'd suggest that you replace your questions as to why you mum did stuff with statements - "I don;t understand why..." there's quite a difference the first is a challenge, the second is an invitation to explain and an explanation of your own feelings. If the purpose is not to mend bridges then I think you need to ask what it is. Is it because you want to severe links? Or are you happy to continue with a small-talk relationship as long as she understands a bit about how you feel. In the end it might be the case - as other's have said - that it's best not to send it (if it is to sever links then probably best done other ways) But if you really do want to send something think really carefully about why and maybe tweak it accordingly.

Thanks. I think I want her to understand. I would love for a better relationship with her, but I don't think I will get that, it's not just what she has done to me you see, it's what she is doing to the others too. But the letter is about my feelings. I wanted her to understand, that's all. I'm not sure she will. But I do desperately want understanding from her, some sort of acknowledgement. I feel so much pain and I wonder how she can live with our relationship as it is, if it was my daughter I'd be going to the ends of the earth to repair the damage. That's what hurts the most, feeling that I care more than she does.

Rhubarb - you have put it so well in that posting - that you desperately want understanding and that you would love a better relationship. I don't know whether you should send it or not - I'm not in a position to tell, but, I'm not sure your honest feelings come through.Your hurt comes through (anger?) but not your sadness Whatever you decide to do good luck and I hope you didn't mind a kind of critical eye.

Thank you again! I don't mind a critical eye at all! That's what I wanted really. I don't think I will send it as the others on here have put me off. I think I'll just be even more hurt if it doesn't make a blind bit of difference except cause another argument. Counselling has been suggested and I think I will look into that as I do feel quite a bit of pain at times. It's just so hard to think that your mum will put her feelings and her interests before yours. As a mother myself I cannot fathom her at all. I never thought she would do this to me, not to me. I've always been honest and straight with her, yet balanced that out with humour, so we've managed to get on. The feeling of betrayal is enormous. It helps to talk. But I will never get what I want and knowing that is sometimes too painful to bear.

Sobernow

Yup, think I do!

the reason you feel betrayal is because of your own high standards - like Sobernow says.

Yeah, I guess so. But then what she did was awful and affected everyone. It even affected relations between myself and my niece whom I was close to. The subsequent phone call was awful too, and knowing that she set it all up, well it's just too much to take in. It hurts thinking that she really doesn't care that much about us.

Custy's phone is always bloody engaged! This msg is proof now that I do try calling her!

Rhubarb, I've read your letter but not other people's comments on it.

My dh has written several similar letters to his parents - mainly aimed at his mother (some have been posted, some not). In nearly 20 years it hasn't made a blind bit of difference to their attitude/relationship (with the exception of when dd was born). Dh still can't see what his parents are doing to him, but I can, and I think you have some idea why your mum is like this.You need to let go however long it takes.

As for your db, is there any way he can have his 'care' transferred to you (if that's what you woudl prefer)

Mercy. He is adopted so yes, in theory I could have care for him. But atm I live in France so that is difficult. I have put to my siblings that we get together as a family and 'take over' the decisions that need to be made concerning him, but so far they are all backing out with their excuses, many of them are frightened of my mum, they don't want to rock the boat. But if (probably when really) we return to the UK I will fight tooth and nail to get him out of there. Guess my relationship with her will really hit rock bottom then!

Yeah, but the rest of my family are more entangled than I am. They want to get away from her but she is very powerful and her hold is strong. My eldest bro has 3 daughters and she has a very powerful hold over all of them, they go to her for everything. She uses them to get at him and his wife. I'm lucky in a way, I've mananged to step back, but I feel helpless for the rest.

Aww, your words mean a lot, they really do. I just need perspective on this, which I get all the time from MN. In a way that's where the whole 'wishing she were dead' thing comes from, because then her hold would be gone and we would all be free. But she manipulates situations and I see my siblings being drawn into them time and time again, giving her one last chance and then another last chance and in the meantime she is screwing up lives. I am helpless. But with my younger bro I am not, I know a bit about law and I have the strength to fight her on that one, even if they don't. I owe it to him to give him a better chance.

dh would not want to look after db. He requires quite a bit of maintenance and is not easy to live with. And tbh it would be just taking him out of one environment and putting him in another similar environment. He needs to be independant, I know he is capable of some semblance of independance. I used to care for him by myself when I was younger, he'd stay over for the odd weekend, but then my mum put a stop to it when I met dh, she said I was a bad influence!!!! He did normal things that a lad of his age would be doing and he had fun, but she felt threatened by that! He now has so little confidence that when he does come to visit he will never leave my side.

They are supposed to have this life-plan for db but his social worker is shit and my sister had to go through someone else to get a look at his plan! We're his family ffs!

I feel for your brother I really do (and you watching in). One thing we've talked about is how important it is to get ds1 settled somewhere long before we expect to die.

OTOH my friend's brother has SN and after his parents died he said "right I';m going to get a flat now" and with help from SS did. His sisters aarranged for his cleaning and ironing to be done and he manages very well (has a job through a place that exists to employ staff with SN. He's managed really well.

I'm not sure about the extent of your brother SN, but would somewhere like a camphill community be a possibilty. I think SS fund places there and it would be far harder for your mother to remove him.