i love you but i'm not in love with you

[dizzy36]

my dh has been saying this to me since dec 2010, he has left and come back twice, I recently found out that during this whole time he has been having an 'emotional' relationship with a young girl who he employed at his shop a few months prior to his revelation about how he feels abut me. Now, i know we had our problems, having 2 young children can take away from a relationship for a while. Each time, i try and discuss our relationship and this 'girlfriend' of his, he gets all distant and starts telling me i'm just not in love with you. When i ask him what this means he says 'i dont think about you all the time, you dont feel special to me anymore! Please tell me if this makes me a bad wife but i dont think about my husband all the time and i'm afraid he doesnt make me go weak at the knees anymore like he did when we met 20 years ago. I still love him very much though. I thought after 20 years love whould be based on respect, loyalty, a history together, children...am I wrong?

We have always had an amazing sex life which has suffered since our youngest was born as i was always 'too tired'.
When we are 'getting along' it is wonderful, he is affectionate, our sex life is back to the way it was, but if i mentioned his indescretion he would go all distant and I have discovered i was pushing him back towards this girl each time. It is really complicated and hard enough to compute when you are in the situation but the feeling i am getting is...He wants his marriage to work but he needs things to be simple, no pressure like me bringing up our problems. He is going to this girl each time he feels pressured by me because she represents simplicity, she hangs on his every word which must be great for his ego. What man wouldnt say yes to a bit on the side who comes running every time he clicks his fingers and a wife and children at home. If you saw him you would be surprised...short, balding, little overweight, middle aged man with 2 women on the go....I'd laugh if it wasnt so ludicrous.

If anyone reads this please can i ask for no negative comments, I am in this situation out of choice because my family is important enough for me to give it a chance.

I think the whole i love you but not in love with you is a person who doesnt know what it means, someone who is being blinded by an infatuation with someone who is giving them what they need...some attention and flattery. I have seen some of the correspondence between these two, it looks like something out of a teen romance. I beleive the secrecy/naughtiness/excitement is part of the attraction too.

Its important to add that during last 6 months i have started courses and work to better myself. I get the distinct impression that my dh is a little put out by it...he is trying to be supportive but I definitely see an edge of resentment, i think he struggles with me not needing him anymore. Mid life crisis anyone?

Does anyone have an opionion on the whole i love you but am not in love with scenario? is it an excuse to get out a relationship so can start another one

Thank you for listening

Personally I think you need to stop wondering about what 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you means', and more about your reasons for putting up with the utterly appalling, and selfish behavior your husband is exhibiting towards you.

You are asking for no negative comments, but It isn't really possible to comment without being so.

What are you getting out of this marriage that makes you stay, and tolerate such deep disrespect being shown to you? Your husband is very clearly telling you to put up, and shut up. Is that really the way you want to live? Don't you deserve better?

It's very nice for him. He gets a wife at home, and his young bit on the side to run to whenever you dare to rock the boat. This isn't just an emotional affair by the way, he is sleeping with this girl without a doubt.

Sorry if I sound harsh, I'm just furious on your behalf. I think it's time to spend less time worrying about your husbands feelings, and more concentrating on yours and what it is YOU want.

OP, sorry to be blunt but in your situation it clearly means that he doesn't want be in an emotional relationship with you anymore.

So nothing and become down-trodden, bitter and angry etc. etc.

Or muster up some self esteme and start elimination from your life procedures.

esteem (oops, coz pendants are about)

Well, it's an appalling situation, and if that's negative so be it.

Are you saying by the use of the words "emotional relationship" that you don't think it's physical? I'll eat my cats if they're not sleeping together or have been doing so.

Two things stand out for me -the first is that you say you discover you are "pushing him" back to her if you raise his "indiscretion". You're NOT pushing him, he's going there willingly because he's a faithless disloyal cheat.

Secondly, are you seeking to "better" yourself for you, or because you think you should, to win him back? The distinction is important, because if it's the latter, you really really don't need to do this. What you do need to do is get angry. How dare he do this to you and then blame his cheating on YOU, because that is what he's doing.

Don't put up with it! If I were in your shoes I'd kick him out of the door and let him go willingly to this girl or anywhere else. What a bastard!

I'm sorry for being blunt OP, am very on your behalf.

do nothing jesus christ im doing well today.

Oh and I think "I love you but I'm not in love with you" means "I want to have my cake and eat it too". GRRR.

thanks whysoshy for your honesty,

I do know this isnt an ideal situation for me, of course i deserve better and yes my dh is incredibly selfish man. Please know that i am not putting up and shutting up. My last conversation with him was to tell him to do whatever he wanted, i didnt care, i told him there was no reason for secrecy, he could bring his relationship out into the open, I didnt mind if he needed a bit on the side. I know he is having his cake and eating it and he is almost certainly using this girl (a 26 year old very insecure employee!).

I am focusing on my dc's, we have 2 beautiful children who clearly dont mean a damn to him, his own feelings are far more important. Please dont think i am a doormat because that is not the case. What i was trying to ask is what the whole 'i love you but i'm not in love with you' meant. Can a 40 year old really beleive that real love is that warm fuzzy feeling you get at the beginning of a relationship. That is the part i dont get. whysoshy. I want to understand all this before i make a decision that is going to affect mine and my childrens life forever.

This man has come and gone twice, both times he says he wants to make it work and both times he ended up running back to his ow. He is not just doing this to me, he is doing this to his children, that he claims to love so so much.

No negative comments?-sorry but mn doesnt work like that.

Your dh is playing you like a fiddle. End of. You can put up with it or not-up to you. Just make sure that you are being careful with your sexual health while he is fucking the two of you

But you are putting up and shutting up arent you because YOU are allowing him to behave like this by letting him back into your home and your bed?

ooh I have just seen all the other posts.

I totally get what everyone is saying and you are so right. I have thought long and hard about what i am doing and i promise you it is not a self esteem issue. I am studying and looking for work for myself not for anyone else, I planned this for as soon as my dd started nursery, i certainly was not going to let his antics affect my plans. If anything i suppose i am using him a little as i need the childcare to do the 3 night courses i am doing!

Part of me definitely does want to let him go but the last time he left he became very controlling and making demands about access about the children. He has money so can afford to take me to court. He does nothing with them and i have no idea why he suddenly wanted to be with them everyday when we were apart! dare i say that my life is easier this way, at least until i have my life sorted out. I honestly do beleive that he will leave at some point anyway so why not use the time to make sure i can make a good life for me and my kids.

Sorry not buying it-you are fooling yourself by trying to say you are using him too. If you split up he would have to pay for his dcs and could have contact-therefore enabling you to continue with your college course no?

You say that he basically sees his arse and goes to his other women when you mention his appalling behaviour?-well the next time make sure you laugh loudly in his face and have the binbags ready.

Stop being the easy option for this man-it is demeaning to both yourself and your dcs.

"I love you but I'm not in love with you".

-He is saying(at best) that he loves your shared history and the fact that you have been together so long. He is saying he is not excited by you, that he doesn't lust after you and that sexually he wants his kicks somewhere else.

He is also saying it to keep you dangling, and it appears to be working. What on earth are you getting out of this relationship except for a whole heap of heartache?

He is saying it because he is a coward who cannot make the break away from you, for whatever reason.

To focus on this phrase is to put yourself in denial-he has repeatedly cheated on you and will not stop unless you take some action or unless the OW gets fed up and packs him in.

You say you're not putting up or shutting up, but by telling him to do what he wants, that's exactly what you are doing. You are worth so much more, this awful, can you see that?

As for him coming and going, why do you let him?

this is awful

stoopid fingers

I think "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is something people say to their spouse when they have someone lined up who they are "in love" with.

It's nothing to to do with not understanding that the obsessional stage of love is transitory. It means they are experiencing those heady infatuation feelings with someone else and they are putting their enjoyment of that before any committment to their longer standing relationship.

I would rather be alone or with someone who is in love with me than be treated as a second rate citizen.

Small in stature, large in ego? Sounds as if he's suffering from Napoleon complex for which the only cure is exile.

He's been having an affair for at least a year while continuing to enjoy all the benefits of marital home comforts.

If you don't want this sorry state of affairs to continue ad inifnitum (when his current squeeze gets fed up with him, he'll alight on another young shopgirl to stroke his dick ego) get yourself to a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law and find out exactly where you stand should you decide to end your sham of a marriage .

He may be a 'short, balding, little overweight, middle aged man' but don't delude yourself, honey - as Whysoshy has said, he's getting his leg over with his bit on the side and, IMO, is most probably diverting a considerable slice of the profits from his shop to fund her constant attendance on him.

Do yourself a favour. Give the twat the order of the boot and don't allow him to talk you down or round.

And get yourself tested for sti's because it's highly unlikely that he'll be putting condoms on his over active knob.

I don't know, I don't think "in love" is terminology that a lot of people would use when they've been together for years and years (though some will, grant you) - but that doesn't matter - it would never occur to people who were committed to their partner to go through the thought process and end up saying, yeah you know after all these years I'm not really in love with you, but I love you. It's something dissatisfied people say, or ones with one foot already out of the door who don't want to rock the boat and have the hassle of a divorce.

You don't want any negativity and say you have made your choice, so I shall simply answer your question:

Does anyone have an opionion on the whole i love you but am not in love with scenario? is it an excuse to get out a relationship so can start another one

Yes.

:) have to laugh at some of your comments, so funny and spot on with what i have been thinking.

I have seperated from this bloke twice, he got away, he was with his ow but twice he wormed his way back in, telling other people he was doing it because i wouldnt let him see the kids ?! and telling me it was because he loved me and wanted to make it work. why? it could all have been over by now, If he really wants to leave why does he keep coming back for goodness sake, doesnt he know what he is doing to his children? Another thing when we were seperated whenever he came to see the kids he would not look at me, i assumed it was because he just hated me and never asked him why, the other day he told me it was because when he looked at me he saw the woman he fell in love with and married and if he looked at me he might have changed my mind, someone mentioned him being a coward...thats exactly what this sounds like. If you were looking at this from my viewpoint you would honestly be just as stumped as me. Yes it is likely that he is not in love with me anymore which is something he clearly needs to be in a marriage, yes he clearly is too much of a coward to go through with walking out on me and the kids...i have realised there are consequences to my actions and i thought trying to make it work was the right thing to do

I hate to tell you this but....hes done this before. 10 years ago when my oldest was a baby he started the whole i dont love you anymore, i dont like this about you, i dont like that about you. That went on for about 9 months and then he suddenly turned round and said actually i do love you and everything was fine. I had no idea what it was all about until recently. So basically back then he fell for someone, betrayed his wife and son, it must have fizzled out and he came back.

i do feel cheated out of the last 10 years, he has betrayed me and the kids in the worst possible way. not least the fact that he misled me into thinking we had a stable relationship and i had another child.

Please dont think i am just sitting back, i am thinking about this all the time and the best way forward, I know i am married to a shit but he turns out hes always been a shit. I would be ok having a marriage where he does what he wants and i do what i want....beleive it or not its the kind of marriage his parents had!

Well some women can make an active decision to stay in a marriage and tolerate infidelity. It gets their physical needs met (scratches an itch) and it pays the mortgage. It's a good plan for women who aren't that bothered by being loved and desired and would prefer not to stand on their own two feet.

Of course it's a supremely selfish position to take because neither parent is considering the relationship they are modelling to their children. The harm it does to boys and girls when their father is unfaithful and their mum does nothing about it, putting her own comfort before theirs.

I'd stop worrying about what that line means OP, because it's irrelevant to the situation. Of course if in any doubt, it means that he loves you like an old slipper or comfort blanket but reserves his passion and desire for the other woman. He probably views this marriage as a business transaction rather like you and is selfish enough to think that this won't harm the children.

Hi OP. You sound like you are thinking about this and planning things carefully, so you can make the best decision. I cannot answer your original " love you" question. But for me someone coming back and forth like a yoyo is something I would find intolerable anyway. Good luck with finishing your course! I don't know if you had it last time, but it might be helpful to get some good legal advice, regardless of what you decide to do. I think legal advice can really strengthen and clarify people's position and sense of reality - and their options.

The reason why he comes back is because he wants a domestic slave, a housekeeper, cook, nanny etc.

What do you think will happen when the kids leave home?

I would seriously look at seeing a solicitor and find out your legal position should you divorce him and also contact CAB to find out about tax credits, benefits etc. That way you will make a more informed decision about your future.

thanks sternface, i understand where your coming from but it is not as cut and dried as that. You dont know my sitation or family life. I have raised my children virtually on my own because my dh has always focused on his business (he now has the convenience of an employee to shag and he doesnt have to go anywhere to get it). he sees them for 10 mins in the morning and an hour or so in the evening, it has always been like this and it is what my kids are used to. He has never been a big part of our lives, although they do love him. We actually get on well on a day to day basis now that its all out in the open! please be assured that i dont feel used, lonely, low self esteem, do you know why? because i have done nothing wrong, He is the one who is losing the respect of his extended family, his friends, he is the one who will end up lonely, he is the one who is not going to have any kind of fulfilln relationship with his children...and he will because he doesnt know how to have a relationship with them.

as far as i am concerned, i am the one in control, if he wants to go he can go i'm not stopping him, guilt is. Marriages can come back from infidelity if both are willing to put the time and effort in. one person in a marraige can feel dissatisfied, a marriage can come back from this too. I will be honest and say i want my marriage to work, for the last week or so he has said he will try harder so we will see what happens, i'm not sure he is 'grown up'.

My children are my priority and i wont have them hurt again unless absolutely necessary.

A man this selfish is highly unlikely to want much in the way of care of his children... if you're afraid of that, OP, just take note of how much time he spends with them, how much he does for them - not a lot, I'll bet? Especially when he's busy with his little extramarital activities?

Court is a bluff to keep you in your place, washing his clothes, cooking his dinners and obligingly raising his family while he acts like a dog with two dicks. Next time he pull that one, laugh and say yes, I quite fancy only doing 50% of the washing, ironing, sandwich making etc. instead of about 95% of it. Court? Shared residency? Bring it on!

Pack his bags, really.