i love you but i'm not in love with you

[dizzy36]

my dh has been saying this to me since dec 2010, he has left and come back twice, I recently found out that during this whole time he has been having an 'emotional' relationship with a young girl who he employed at his shop a few months prior to his revelation about how he feels abut me. Now, i know we had our problems, having 2 young children can take away from a relationship for a while. Each time, i try and discuss our relationship and this 'girlfriend' of his, he gets all distant and starts telling me i'm just not in love with you. When i ask him what this means he says 'i dont think about you all the time, you dont feel special to me anymore! Please tell me if this makes me a bad wife but i dont think about my husband all the time and i'm afraid he doesnt make me go weak at the knees anymore like he did when we met 20 years ago. I still love him very much though. I thought after 20 years love whould be based on respect, loyalty, a history together, children...am I wrong?

We have always had an amazing sex life which has suffered since our youngest was born as i was always 'too tired'.
When we are 'getting along' it is wonderful, he is affectionate, our sex life is back to the way it was, but if i mentioned his indescretion he would go all distant and I have discovered i was pushing him back towards this girl each time. It is really complicated and hard enough to compute when you are in the situation but the feeling i am getting is...He wants his marriage to work but he needs things to be simple, no pressure like me bringing up our problems. He is going to this girl each time he feels pressured by me because she represents simplicity, she hangs on his every word which must be great for his ego. What man wouldnt say yes to a bit on the side who comes running every time he clicks his fingers and a wife and children at home. If you saw him you would be surprised...short, balding, little overweight, middle aged man with 2 women on the go....I'd laugh if it wasnt so ludicrous.

If anyone reads this please can i ask for no negative comments, I am in this situation out of choice because my family is important enough for me to give it a chance.

I think the whole i love you but not in love with you is a person who doesnt know what it means, someone who is being blinded by an infatuation with someone who is giving them what they need...some attention and flattery. I have seen some of the correspondence between these two, it looks like something out of a teen romance. I beleive the secrecy/naughtiness/excitement is part of the attraction too.

Its important to add that during last 6 months i have started courses and work to better myself. I get the distinct impression that my dh is a little put out by it...he is trying to be supportive but I definitely see an edge of resentment, i think he struggles with me not needing him anymore. Mid life crisis anyone?

Does anyone have an opionion on the whole i love you but am not in love with scenario? is it an excuse to get out a relationship so can start another one

Thank you for listening

Because it's not about a deep meaning behind everything, it's about demands and control.

My ds feels inadequate around his dad anyway because dh does the belittleing thing with him

Yet you describe your dc as being 'happy'?

dizzy i took the npd idea as a done deal in your mind because you actually said: i already know about NPD and he is it...narcissitic personality disorder.

i would not have even mentioned it unless you had done so. it's not something to throw around willy nilly.

your list above is all v much npd-ish. this link contains lots of info about npd, plus links to further information. www.narcissism101.com/

there are many subtypes and "flavours" of narcissism but the central thing is that they don't have any empathy for those around them; though they can fake empathy in situations where they realise it is necessary to get what they want. they have no empathy because they missed that developmental stage altogether (or so the experts say); they're basically still toddlers emotionally, thinking the world revolves around them.

because of this, they're unable to take responsibility for anything negative. they can't seem themselves as anything but wonderful. everything that goes wrong is the responsibility of someone else. NEVER the N. everyone else is either an admirer, or a sworn enemy standing between them and their birthright. Depending on type, they might respond to that enemy with extreme rage (google the Scott/Lacey Peterson murder for an example) or with self-pity. Or something in between.

This approach includes their children. They frequently choose a "golden child" to dote on, and scapegoat children (one or more) to torture for pleasure. Sometimes however they just completely ignore certain children. My father made me the golden child and ignored my sister altogether. This has haunted us ever since. My sister is embroiled in terrible relationships while I struggle with impulsivity and feelings of entitlement.

With romantic partners... Ns rarely remain faithful. Their needs are too high. They need a constant source of admiration and worship, or they feel extremely hard-done-by. Any kind of realistic love and attention would never be enough to sate an N. Only god-like worship and undivided attention will suffice. Hence, they tend to "go through" friends and lovers quite speedily.

Ns tend to get angry with people for being tired, sick, unsure, unskilled or unhappy in any way. Other people only exist to meet the N's needs, so any shortcomings in others are resented bitterly and usually taken as personal insults to the N.

...those are the key things i think.
again, you were the one who said he was a narcissist, so i took that at face value tbh.

he sounds like a horrible bastard. my mind boggles at how he treats his children. i too find it very strange that you would describe your children as "happy" when their father belittles DS. Remember that will have an effect on DD too. not just on DS.

Gosh. I rarely respond in "Relationships", but your op made me very sad.

My DH's dad cheated, and his mum "put up" with it. He vividly remembers feeling like a laughing stock, and he was very very aware of the undercurrenbts in the marriage, even at a relatively young age. When the OW came round to the house to have it out with his mum, HE was sent to the door (aged 9). He had the job of throwing the OW out

He never forgave his dad, even when he was ill and dying. And he even now has very lttle respect for his mum.

I know you thik you have the upper hand here, but from an outsiders (ie your neighbours/ friends/ the parents of your dc's friends) point of view you have binned all self-respect to stay with a guy who seems to bring nothing but heartache to you. I know you will say that noone else knows, but they will. DH got into fights at school over his dad's little "dalliance". This WILL become known to your children and it WILL affect them

(I am not at all bitter, btw- have never been in your situation, but I know for sure I would not tolerate it.)

It really doesn't matter what labels you stick on him dizzy. The facts are that mr short-arse has got you where he wants you, you're content to stick around believing that you're in control, and your dc have parents who are lousy role models.

Btw dizzy, if you bother to read your own thread, you'll see that oikopolis did not mention npd until after you claimed to have diagnosed it in your h.

FWIW, I don't think your h has npd - to me, he sounds like a nasty little twunt who rates himself as being superior to others.

The mystery is why any woman would want to be with him other than for financial gain.

OP, you sound like a very 'together' individual who is analysing the situation before reaching a decision. TBH, it sounds as though you love him but are not in love with him, but that you are taking the mature, objective approach and have decided to put your DC's interests first - and there's nothing wrong with that.

It seems to me that you are holding all the cards here and that DH is becoming emasculated by your success. He needs you more than you need him. He is well past his prime, physically not the best specimen, and has a wife who is bettering herself and proving that she does not need him. In that context, it is understandable - but not excusable - that he seeks the adulation of a young (and not very bright) admirer, to boost his fragile ego.

You very fairly seem to accept that most, if not all, relationship breakups are a mutual responsibility. Do you think that you have in some way undermined him by seeming so capable - and possibly a little cold - that he feels surplus to requirements? It sounds as though there are some deep rooted issues here and that he is not articulate enough to understand or express why he feels as he does or acts as he has.

Have you considered counselling through Relate (not tried it but others say it helps). I don't think you can live in this state of uncertainty for much longer. He needs to properly commit to you - and you to him - and try to make it work. You need to put some parameters around it. You have invested a lot in this relationship but equally you are young enough to find happiness elsewhere. Not all break ups have to be acrimonious and I sense that you wouldn't want that.

My gut feeling is that he does love you, that you may be able to retrieve this marriage - the question is whether or not YOU want it. The fact that you appear to be tolerating his infidelity probably makes him think you don't care. The OW is not a serious threat to you, in my opinion - if he were made to choose, he would choose you - but he fears rejection.

Dear OP, I have to be honest - I think you are very very confused about what you want and what you feel. Your opening post was asking about the meaning of the phrase "I love you but I'm not in love with you". You followed this in other posts by saying that you are willing to exhaust all options to make your marriage work so that at least you know it is finally dead, and in other posts you have said that you are using him to get yourself in a viable position to move on. I think you are confused as to what you want and until you discover what that is you will remain in this anxious and stressed state.

I would suggest that the first step to unravelling all of this and for your own wellbeing is to honestly look at your situation with a clear head and decide what it is you do want and need, and how this relates to what is best for your children. Take the focus off your husband and his antics when considering this! You have to have clear focus about what you want or need otherwise you will keep flailing and that's not good for you mentally or emotionally.

Secondly, if you do have any interest whatsoever in remaining with your husband, and it seems that you do, you should remember that people respect those who respect themselves. If you want your husband to respect you and admire you for who you are, and as a woman, you need to respect yourself first. I fear that he will never again treat you as he should, or stop having affairs because you are facilitating him and showing him that it is ok to disrespect you. It is not.

I agree with others that children learn most about how they should be treated and how to treat others from their parents. I hope this isn't too blunt but it seems that your marriage is showing your children that it is ok for your husband to act this way and it is ok for you to be treated this way. As a child I watched my Mother go through two broken marriages and divorces, one when I was 4 and one when I was 10. I remember watching my Mother being disrespected and feeling afraid and insecure and I remember even at that young age losing a little respect for her also until she made the decision to leave. It was only when she left that I felt happier, more secure and felt that she was putting me first. We had a much better life when she was a single parent. Please also consider if it is really putting your children first by focussing so much on yourself and your courses and your willingness to be treated like this, and if it would be more beneficial to show them that it is better to have a lower standard of living but to always maintain dignity and self-respect? It is just a question.

I don't mean to be blunt or hurtful and I truly wish you the best, but I do not see a happy end to this situation for you or your children until you take back control and start to make some positive decisions.

You asked for no negative comments and are upset that posters are forming judgements on your life based on a couple of paragraphs. You requested opinions and this is mine. Of course we can't understand what goes on fully in your life but it is surprising how much you can glean about someone's state of mind, defensiveness, self-esteem, attitude and situation in a few paragraphs. Often, you get to the nitty-gritty quicker and avoid all the extraneous fluff the fewer words used! The biggest thing your posts convey to me is utter confusion and a little denial.

...and PS I think all the psycho-analytical stuff about what kind of personality disorder he may or may not have is irrelevant. Stop trying to analyse him and just look at his actions - they will tell you all you need to know. Sticking a label on him (or anyone) and thereby thinking you know or can predict his thought processes is an utter waste of time and energy IMO. Look at yourself as two individuals and not as a narcissist and a pushover!

It's not easy, though, is it to admit you have been manipulated by another person, or that they talk alot of bullshit.

i totally agree with MableLabel's post.

and yes there is no need to delve into psychological labels. tbh i ran with your words about npd simply because i assumed, if you were saying stuff like that, that you had already realised how broken your H is... so i hoped that focusing on that would bring you back to reality.

Could i first clear up that it was smum99 that first mentioned NPD. I have just been looking at websites and beleive my dh definitely shows some signs of having this disorder, but i am not a doctor.Now, I hear what your all saying and i am hoping that you all remember what I wrote about how demanding/controlling my dh was regarding the dc's when we were last seperated.

What if the only reason he was making unrealistic demands regarding the children was because he wanted to be in control, what if it wasnt about the children at all. Its the only reason i can think of as to why as soon as he comes back hes back to spending no quality time with his dc's.
I am worried that if i tell him to go he will start making demands again regarding the kids, even take me to court, and if he is npd and he got the access he demands, how damaging could that be to my kids. He has no idea how to be responsible with the kids as he almost a child himself. Do i spend the rest of my life worrying about them when he has them or do i try and plod on so that i can continue to raise my kids myself. I would sacrifice my own personal happiness for my kids, to protect them. If we seperate i know for a fact that he will fight me on everything, at least until he meets someone else who will put up with him and then the kids will get put on the back burner as well.
At least at home he is pleasant, provides for us and doesnt interfere in my raising the children. Its just like having a third child in the house, he is hardly ever home and when he is he just plays on his phone or computer!....life is calmer when he is in the house.
I know its not ideal for me or the kids but the alternative would be a lot worse beleive me. I got my kids into this mess and if putting up with him makes their life easier then that is what i will do.

He chooses not to be capable with your dc because he has you there. He may well make some effort when you are not together and he doesn't have the dc there all the time. But that is, as you say, your choice if you think it's best to carry on the practical arrangement rather than face the fuss he'll create when you split. Do you not find it insulting and disrespectful that he seeks comfort of whatever kind elseshere rather than with you? And that you are permanently shut up because it suits him to refuse to discuss things?

You might like to think this is about the kids, but having read your thread it is obviously about more than that. When deciding on residence issues, family law always makes it about the children's needs to see a parent, not the parents' rights to see their kids. Yet you seem to believe that if you left him and he pursued litigation and fought for his 'rights', the family courts would insist that the children spent time with someone who treated them badly. This is not how it works. If your concerns are about the damage he could inflict on your kids without you being around to supervise, then you can ask for supervised contact.

But all this seems to be a bit of a smokescreen because so much of this about your feelings for him and putting these over your son's need not to suffer his father belittling him and both kids' rights to live in a happy environment free of tension and drama.

Strangely though, while you're evading responsibility for the things you can and should change in order to protect your children, you're taking responsibility for behaviour that has got nothing to do with you and will always be out of your control. You take erroneous blame for your husband's repeated infidelities and also think that by competing with the current OW, you can influence him choosing you over her and stop him being unfaithful again. You can't. As you can see from the infidelities you know about, it wouldn't matter what you were doing or the state of your relationship, he will be unfaithful if he gets the chance.

You are damaging yourself and your kids by your decisions and you're trying to protect yourself from the guilt of that by dressing it up as being the better option for them, because it's you who doesn't want to let go of this marriage and the dreams you once had. I don't think you as an individual are better off in this relationship, but I can see if you still love him, are getting some of your needs met and are unable to support yourself, you could persuade yourself that you are. But that's a really selfish choice because your kids are denied theirs. I do think you need to face up to that and take responsibility for it.

Maybe your H says 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' because what would be the consequences for him of saying to YOU

I don't love you any more. I'm not really interested in you any more.

I think you know well what "I love you but not in love with you", means for your H. He is one for grand gestures and being in love with love and that is what he can get from someone he doesn't share the minutiae of everyday life with. While for many, being in love in this context means feeling the enjoyment of lust and sex with a new person, for him it could well be about the game of the chase.

There is a school of therapy that claims to be able to help with NPD - schema therapy, which challenges clients to face up to their inner sense of shame and defectiveness. However, therapists such as Young and Klosko state clearly that, although they can help those who come to them, those who do come are small in number, for most, they will never get there. In fact, their self-entitlement would bring them, if at all, for the therapists to fix their partner who, like you, in their eyes, is unreasonable for not letting them do as they please. If you read the story of "Elliot" in "Reinventing your Life" - you will see your husband in there almost 100% I would say and perhaps you will see also why you stay.

He wants to be 'ADORED'.

What if the only reason he was making unrealistic demands regarding the children was because he wanted to be in control, what if it wasnt about the children at all

Of course it wasn't about the children. It's all about him.

What if you'd listened to his demands regarding the dc and refused to accede to any that were unreasonable?

Dizzy - from your last post it seems that you have made your decision so you don't need any further opinion or advice. And therefore, it doesn't matter what "I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You" means because it has no bearing on your choices or actions in relation to your husband. You will stay with him no matter what.

From the information you have given, your situation is not what I would call a happy or mutually respectful marriage bound together by love. I don't see how this can be good for you, your children or your husband. It seems like staying is the easy option for you and you are willing to live with the consequences, and of course that is your choice. But, so what if your husband fought you. Divorces are difficult, strained and confrontational for most if not all. No-one comes out of a split totally unscathed. But it is only by going through it that you all get to a better place. It has to be faced up to and can't be avoided forever. I think you feel that because your choice is to stay together, that this is what will happen. Your husband seems to be unreliable and at any moment he could decide to leave for good and divorce you taking all control out of your hands....

Hattytown's last paragraph is pretty insightful in my opinion. I think this is very much about you and not wanting to let go than it is about what is best for your children. I can't remember if you have a daughter, but if you do, consider her in your position - would you advise her to put up and shut up and remain in a superficially 'ok' relationship in which she was disrespected, cheated on, clearly not loved in the way she should be and probably felt very alone, miserable and insecure.

I love you but I'm not in love with you means I used to love you, but I don't love you anymore (usually because he loves someone else!)