i love you but i'm not in love with you

[dizzy36]

my dh has been saying this to me since dec 2010, he has left and come back twice, I recently found out that during this whole time he has been having an 'emotional' relationship with a young girl who he employed at his shop a few months prior to his revelation about how he feels abut me. Now, i know we had our problems, having 2 young children can take away from a relationship for a while. Each time, i try and discuss our relationship and this 'girlfriend' of his, he gets all distant and starts telling me i'm just not in love with you. When i ask him what this means he says 'i dont think about you all the time, you dont feel special to me anymore! Please tell me if this makes me a bad wife but i dont think about my husband all the time and i'm afraid he doesnt make me go weak at the knees anymore like he did when we met 20 years ago. I still love him very much though. I thought after 20 years love whould be based on respect, loyalty, a history together, children...am I wrong?

We have always had an amazing sex life which has suffered since our youngest was born as i was always 'too tired'.
When we are 'getting along' it is wonderful, he is affectionate, our sex life is back to the way it was, but if i mentioned his indescretion he would go all distant and I have discovered i was pushing him back towards this girl each time. It is really complicated and hard enough to compute when you are in the situation but the feeling i am getting is...He wants his marriage to work but he needs things to be simple, no pressure like me bringing up our problems. He is going to this girl each time he feels pressured by me because she represents simplicity, she hangs on his every word which must be great for his ego. What man wouldnt say yes to a bit on the side who comes running every time he clicks his fingers and a wife and children at home. If you saw him you would be surprised...short, balding, little overweight, middle aged man with 2 women on the go....I'd laugh if it wasnt so ludicrous.

If anyone reads this please can i ask for no negative comments, I am in this situation out of choice because my family is important enough for me to give it a chance.

I think the whole i love you but not in love with you is a person who doesnt know what it means, someone who is being blinded by an infatuation with someone who is giving them what they need...some attention and flattery. I have seen some of the correspondence between these two, it looks like something out of a teen romance. I beleive the secrecy/naughtiness/excitement is part of the attraction too.

Its important to add that during last 6 months i have started courses and work to better myself. I get the distinct impression that my dh is a little put out by it...he is trying to be supportive but I definitely see an edge of resentment, i think he struggles with me not needing him anymore. Mid life crisis anyone?

Does anyone have an opionion on the whole i love you but am not in love with scenario? is it an excuse to get out a relationship so can start another one

Thank you for listening

You've basically given him carte blance to do whatever the hell he wants, he can carry on a relationship with another woman , divert time, attention and probably finances towards her while you get the dregs and are grateful.

No negative comments? you're having a laugh, there is nothing positive in your situation, is this what you want for the rest of your life, or at least until he decides to bugger off with one of his distractions ? (leaving you high and dry).
What a miserable existence.

Oh x-post. Well there you go.

OP, if you got rid of this horrible man, you can bet your ass there is no way he would want to share care properly.

On the contrary, you would be able to negotiate a fair settlement to carry on doing him the privilege of raising children he can be proud of in the future. The main difference would be, YOU would also have a little self-respect and happiness of your own to pass on to them.

Seeing their mother treated like shit on their father's shoe is hurting your children every day of their lives.

Your children hardly ever see him and he is not a big part of life so why would it hurt them if you showed them self respect by kicking him out?

What kind of model is your marriage for your children? You say your in laws' marriage was similar and no doubt your H learnt from them, do you want your children to be the same?

Not many marriages survive infidelity and those which do are down to BOTH parties being 100% committed. Your H is not willing to do ALL the hard work required - trying harder is not enough.

You are contradicting yourself op-a few posts ago you were telling us how you were using him as much as he was using you. Now its you want to save your marriage for the sake of the dcs. You are not doing your dcs any favours staying with a man who who treat his wife so shittily.

Your are setting your dd in particular a terrible example-possibly effecting her self esteem and own choices in bad partners later on in life.

Is this cocklodger really worth that sacrifice?

thank you everyone for your comments. I totally understand where your all coming from.

Its difficult on here sometime for people to really know the situation that someone is in. I agree with a lot of things that people have said. He is having his cake and eating it, but i have known my husband for 20 years and i do know him very well, he is not that clever to be so devious, he cant even lie without it being written all over his face. He is a weak needy man, and this girl is giving him what he wants. I'm not entirely sure why he kept coming back, but i do know for sure that its not to treat me as a doormat, he does do a (little bit) more around the house, he is paying for my courses, and is being supportive. After i confronted him last week about still seeing this other girl, he denied it all, he could have just admitted it and walked out. He got a bit drunk on the following thursday and mumbled something about me starting work and not having time for him anymore, then refused to speak anymore, we went out on the friday for valentines, he kept scowling(!) at me before we went and while we were out we talked and had a really good time, one thing he said was, I dont want us to be like my mum and dad and just settle for each other. Its possible he was scowling at me because he thought i was being nice to him to try and get him away from the other girl rather than because i love him, because lets face it i am behaving rather calmly about the whole thing.

He is responsible for his affair but we are both responsible for the state of our marriage over the last few years. It is for that reason i beleive we should try for a certain length of time to make absolutely sure it is over so that there is no coming back.
My part in trying is to be the wife he lost over the last 3 years, I dont mention the other girl at all now, i have no interest in her.
I hope someone understands this, i dont think its possible to go 20 years without having problems, of any kind

the comment about share care...he did try...he was very unrealistic, wanted to see them practically every day, take them to school, do all the things he had never done before almost immediately, disrupt their lives, buying inappropriate toys to buy them, I wanted him to give them some time to adjust becsue he had walked out without any word, he even text our son the next day to say sorry and see you soon (i intercepted that damaging text). He wouldnt even do that. He spent a lot of time with our son. Soon as he came back, it all stopped, he has not done a thing with them since he has been back, especially our ds...why?

Yuk - he sounds like a teenager, scowling and not speaking to you FFS!!

I am afraid he is treating you like shit and that is not good for you and your DC.

" If he really wants to leave why does he keep coming back for goodness sake"

Why..lots of selfish reasons and nothing to do with loving you or the dc's

1.because he can - and he is living the "dream" sleeping with 2 women
2 because he's afraid that he will lose financially (and he will!!)
3.because he doesn't want people to know he is a lousy husband and father

1. because he doesn't want to drop the home comforts and OW won't cook and clean for him.

5.because he can pretend he is a good dad when it suit him.

I'm so sorry for you - he has completely manipulated you and the OW. The impact on your self esteem may not even be apparent to you yet - often it's only when you are in a genuinely caring relationship that you appreciate the difference.

Don't worry about shared care - it wont happen. He is using that as emotional blackmail to keep you in the situation. Look up NPD personality and see if it rings any bells with you.

smum99...i already know about NPD and he is it...narcissitic personality disorder. I didnt want to mention it before because i am not a doctor but he shows all the signs...particuarly the not being able to live with the guilt/shame of his actions. He also has a 'front' that he puts on for other people, he is completely different behind their backs. Am sure he is the same with this girl, she seeing the charming man, I am seeing the real him.

i believe we should try for a certain length of time to make absolutely sure it is over so that there is no coming back

By taking up with an ow he's already checked out of your marriage, honey, so the question has to be how long are you going to try for?

If it's going to be a case of 'how long is a piece of string', I would suggest you've already given him more than enough rope and he's hung himself on a daily basis for the past year & more.

As the ow has her feet firmly planted in your marriage, I suggest you invite her to move in to the family home. She can undertake the domestic chores and sexually service pander to his needs while you can relax and put your feet up swan around giving orders as senior no.1 wife.

Alternatively, on the basis of what's sauce for the goose, why not take a lover who is not vertically challenged?

What is it you want people to say?

exactly what they are doing lizzabadger

Btw, as he's living very well with the guilt/shame of his actions only a fool would believe otherwise.

I don't think he has any guilt or shame. Why would he? He isn't being held accountable for any of this. Was he scowling at you before the Valentine's meal (do you see the hypocrisy of that?) because he would rather have been with OW?

OP a person with NPD is not capable of caring for other human beings. He's not even capable of seeing other people as human beings -- in his mind, other people are just objects that exist for him to get things he wants from.

it is bizarre that you would want to stay in a marriage with someone with a personality disorder.

do you know that personality disorders are completely incurable and untreatable? you realise too that your H is chemically incapable of loving you in any way shape or form? to him you exist only to meet his needs. you aren't even a human being to him. he isn't even almost interested in you, your emotions, your needs. it would be impossible for him to even understand that you have any of those things.

why would you want to share a home with a person who is fundamentally empty, incapable of feeling actual love and empathy for other human beings? what on earth are you getting out of this?

you keep saying you "know him", if you did, you would know that any kind of r/s with him is futile to the point of [tragi]comedy. sorry to be so blunt but this whole thread is just too bizarre for words!

correction: i think borderline personality disorder can be treated. but NPD, as far as i've read, can't be. because an NPD person lacks the insight necessary for understanding they are different from other people.

it kind of sounds, that what OP is getting out of it, is feeling her superiority over this pathetic husband. While he manipulates her in his own way, and also he sees her as security, someone reliable, unlike OW's because he KNOWS that 'in love' will not last once they see the real him, it's exhausting for him to put on the charm long term!
I think it's a classic co-dependent r-ship!

My part in trying is to be the wife he lost over the last 3 years

Ah, so you've decided your best bet is to compete with the OW so that he'll choose you? A strategy that's never been known to work in real-life, as opposed to romcoms.

It's true your posts are wildly contradictory. But that's not surprising from a woman who's deluding herself that she can make a marriage work with a narcissist.

I do think you need to be absolutely clear about the choices you're making here and therefore take complete responsibility for them.

You're choosing to re-enact the same family life for your children as your husband had. It's no coincidence that your husband has ended up being a narcissist who thinks it's acceptable to be repeatedly unfaithful and to be a shadowy presence in his children's lives.

So the choice you're making is for your children to go down the same path, taking all those lessons learnt into their own adult relationships.

Just so you know.

Dizzy. Your emotional life seems so complicated. Love shouldn't be complicated.

Bin him. Move on

Words such as 'on', 'nail', 'head' immediately sprang to mind when I read your take on this, hisgentletouch

You may think that you are rising above your little schizoid Walter Mitty's h's behaviour, Dizzy, but the truth is he is playing you like a violin.

What is the nature of the shop he owns? Given that you've bought into his hype, I'm guessing it's a cobblers and he's very good at his trade .

Yuck!

I hope you are using condoms as you are OK with him having sex with you and at least one other. You don't know who else she has had sex with or if she has sex with others when your H comes back to you before going back to her.

If not can I recommend you visit an STI clinic and then use condoms after!

I don't know why the fact your marriage closely resembles his parents' marriage doesn't appear to worry you - can you not see that it is likely your dc will repeat the pattern, just as he has? Is it what you want for them?

Goodness.

You want to "come back" from this? You can't. Your husband is a serial adulterer and he has absolutely no reason to change his behaviour because you're happy to have him trample all over your marriage.

You clearly see yourself as having the upper hand but you are in denial. What are you going to do when his OW gets pregnant, or he meets someone that will service his domestic as well as sexual needs and he leaves you unable to pay the mortgage? How do you feel about your neighbours pitying you and your husband telling his OW that he loves her more than you, or the sex is better?

You think it won't happen to you, but you only need to hang sound on the relationships board for a day to see how many men do leave, shafting their wives in the process.

Why put yourself through this? Really?