Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you look at my pros and cons list for staying together please?

87 replies

TieAYellowRibbon · 22/02/2012 15:01

This is such a silly way to decide whether I am doing the right thing in considering leaving my husband but this has all been going round and round in my head for months and I need to get some perspective. So I've drawn up a list of the reasons I want to leave, and the reasons I want to stay, and I would really appreciate it if someone could comment on it- whether item 1 is petty, item 4 is a dealbreaker IYO, 3 needs a bit more explaining- dh can be a bit controlling and I really doubt my own judgement. So here goes the first three, will probably have to do them bit by bit as they come to me (have been floating in my head but articulating them is harder!)

Reasons I want to leave:
1/ He controls all the finances. I have repeatedly begged asked to have all our income pooled into one big pot that all our expenditure comes out of but he refuses. So if eg I need new work shoes or dc need something then he will pay but I have to ask him for the money and often if the item is an unusual purchase he will decide which one to get himslef as he doesn't trust me to make the best decision. I often have no diposable income after I have paid my half of the bills (he earns a lot more than me)
2/ I don't think I can make good decisions anymore as I'm always worried about getting things wrong, and I used to be quite self assured and independent so I know I've changed (not sure of this is down to him though!)
3/ If I do "get things wrong" he sulks but claims not to be doing so when challenged so I am the one who ends up looking like I'm wierd for thinking it
4/ I don't feel supported by him, just belittled. I have given up all hobbies etc I used to have and many friendships have fallen by the wayside too because he makes things difficult for me to maintain them. Eg laughs and pokes fun at my interests or expects unusually high standards of achievement in them when I am not doing it to competition level, just for my own personal enjoyment. Make it difficult to see friends by being a bit stroppy about having to do bedtime for both dc's (dc2 only settles well for me) or me having time away from the family.
5/ I feel taken advantage of wrt housework, he refuses to allow a cleaner into our home (he would need to pay for it as I have so little cash, so he makes decision)
6/ I am uncomfortable with his reliance on porn, and whilst in the past have gone along with this and joined in watching etc and got some enjoyment out of it I do not like the fact that he is not wanting to be intimate with me but just is imaginging f*ing a nameless woman as per the porn he watches.
7/ I DO NOT WANT MY CHILDREN TO GROW UP THINKING THIS IS HOW MEN SHOULD TREAT WOMEN

And that is just off the top of my head. More to come. Would really appreciate your comments to help me see if I am being reasonable in my reasons. If that makes sense!

OP posts:
upsidedownboyyouturnme · 22/02/2012 16:37

[sad} glas no you read correctly Sad

LittleHouseofCamelias · 22/02/2012 16:40

It seems timely to link to this Support Thread both for TieaYellowRibbon and upsidedown

Read some of the links and see if you can spot your H.

You are not wrong. You need to end this relationship. Life can be so much better!

horsetowater · 22/02/2012 16:40

Oh Uppy, not you too. I think you will find the strength to leave because you're still strong enough to have a sense of humour about what is a terrible situation.

Men can be crap sometimes, they really can.

Original poster
TieAYellowRibbon · 22/02/2012 16:45

Uppy your reasons are so similar and you're right, I'd be hoping you left your dh if I was me. Or am i me? No idea! But so sad for you and his vile bed habits. Repulsive man nowonder you want to go too. We can hand hold! I am trying to squirrel away a bit if cash at the moment so thatvi can afford the deposit on somewhere for me and the dc- don't want to stay where we are, I love the house itself but it's in th middle of nowhere and I feel isolated (hs dream house) plus I couldn't afford to run it on my own and there is no way in he'll dh would pay for the shortfall sothat dc could stay in their family home. Knob cheese that he is.

Horsetowater- thanks. Planning on going in September when I have more cash. Biding time.

OP posts:
horsetowater · 22/02/2012 16:51

Gingerbread is a good website for advice on single parent entitlements etc.

Gingerbread

Snakeonaplane · 22/02/2012 16:52

I'd be gone at 1, you don't need that crap, you're not a child.

tunaday · 22/02/2012 17:01

Gosh - hard to think of any reason why you would stay other than feeling too scared to go. I did that for years and wished I hadn't. I now look back and feel angry that I wasted 23 years in a toxic relationship with a controlling, dishonest, emotionally and financially abusive man. I was made to feel I couldn't cope on my own and gradually absorbed that message until I totally believed it. It took until my husband lost his job and was reported by his partners to the police and then for a whole host of despicably vile financially abusive things to come to light at home, for me to feel so disgusted that the fear of staying was worse than the fear of leaving. I am so glad I did now. I am finally in control of my life/my finances/my decisions and I am proud that I am managing OK on a very limited budget and in a not very great council flat. I wouldn't want anyone to have to look back like I've done and think 'What did I waste my life on that idiot for'. I wouldn't want anyone to be so dominated that they can no longer see the emotional or financially abusive things that are happening to them any more. I would think long and hard as to what you and the kids can gain by staying. It's so scary leaving and facing the unknown but from what you say, I think it may only be by leaving that you will regain your confidence, self-esteem and begin to really value yourself again. And for you to bring up the kids how you want. I think it's really useful to be able to just sound out your thoughts and get feedback on here and I hope you will soon start to get a clearer picture of what you want to do. Hugs.

AllPastYears · 22/02/2012 17:19

Didn't need to read after number 1, really.

Though I was thinking some of them were going to be reasons for staying. You don't seem to have any!

feelinghappynow · 22/02/2012 17:31

No pros of staying lots and lots of horrible reasons to leave - or kick him out. I feel truly sickened that there are women out there having to live like this Sad

Hope you all get the help and support you need, and get a new life soon...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/02/2012 18:13

Tieayellowribbon,

re your comment:-
"Planning on going in September when I have more cash. Biding time".

How much more time can you really afford to lose here?.
No, this is not the way to go. You need to leave before then and asap. Womens Aid can help you here and you need a plan of escape. You'd be better off in a refuge.

How much can you realistically save till then?. If its only a couple of hundred pounds then its not worth hanging around for another 6 months or so for him to abuse you all even more. You need to go far sooner than that.

Why am I also not surprised to read that you live in what you describe as the middle of nowhere; that was his sole doing wasn't it?. Isolating the victims socially and physically is yet another one of their tactics employed by such abusive men.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/02/2012 18:18

I wrote what I did in view of what you wrote in your initial post:-

"He controls all the finances. I have repeatedly begged asked to have all our income pooled into one big pot that all our expenditure comes out of but he refuses. So if eg I need new work shoes or dc need something then he will pay but I have to ask him for the money and often if the item is an unusual purchase he will decide which one to get himslef as he doesn't trust me to make the best decision. I often have no disposable income after I have paid my half of the bills (he earns a lot more than me)".

Don't hang yourself by your own petard for another 6 months to try and save a little cash. Seek legal advice too now; many solicitors do a free 30 minute consultation.

Whatever you decide be careful. The most dangerous time for women in such controlling abusive relationships is the lead up to the actual leaving so keep safe and get outside help in order to escape him. Such men too do not let go of their victims easily.

Longer term I would strongly suggest you do the Freedom Programme operated by Womens Aid as such abusive men can take years to recover from.

sonicrainboom · 22/02/2012 19:01

TieAYellowRibbon & upsidedownboyyouturnme - my unbiased advice for both of you is...
Leave the bastard?
Seriously. Check out the support thread LittleHouse posted.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/02/2012 19:17

You realise that the main objective of keeping you short of cash is so you can't save up enough to leave? That, and the destroying confidence, and the eroding of relationships with family and friends ie people who would stand up for you. It's all to keep you in your place.

Anniegetyourgun · 22/02/2012 19:19

ps I, too, am interested in what was on your "pros" list. Reasons for not daring to leave don't count. Why would you actually want to stay with the miserable so-and-so?

I warn you, if you say "he's a great dad" I shall frown at you Angry

BasilRathbone · 22/02/2012 19:33

Oh my.

It doesn't matter if he is Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela and Mother Teresa all rolled into one as pros, he is awful.

Leave him. The cons are going to outweigh any pros, even if you only had about 3 or 4 of them. With some of them, 1 would be enough.

upsidedownboyyouturnme · 22/02/2012 19:45

Did laugh at knob cheese though Smile

Will have a look at the other thread links thanks - I would tell myself to leave the bastard too - and you tie! I need to untangle all the emotions involved first Sad.

My pros..........

  1. He does some housework.(but tells me in a "look what i've done and you havnt" voice)

  2. He works

Seriously, that is all I can think of.....how bad is that.

Your turn tie any pros for you at all?

Uppy xx

Anniegetyourgun · 22/02/2012 20:01

I know, Basil, but I'm curious!

You're right, uppy, it's not an impressive list, unsurprisingly.

maleview70 · 22/02/2012 20:05

Have you told him you don't like him wiping himself on you?

My oh told me she didn't like something once. I said well why has it taken you ten years to tell me? Her answer I didnt want you to think I was being silly....

upsidedownboyyouturnme · 22/02/2012 20:11

Yes maleview I have. He knows I dont like it, I think he does it to get me up quicker to get tissue (TMI)

Snakeonaplane · 22/02/2012 20:26

Upside-down, that's awful he's treating you lime an object Sad

kodachrome · 22/02/2012 20:29

Why the fuck doesn't he get his horrible self a tissue?

maleview70 · 22/02/2012 20:44

That is gross then! Total disrespect. Why on earth do you stay with someone like that?

CrystalsAreCool · 22/02/2012 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TieAYellowRibbon · 22/02/2012 21:36

Annie sir yes sir I shall not say he's a great dad sir! Grin
Lol at sonic and the tmarked leave the bastard

Attilla, the reason I'm biding my time is because he has complicated finances and I want to understand them before taking the plunge as I am scared he will get rid of everything he has in a weasly sneaky way and plead poverty. It's not about the money but would like to see my children well provided for. I can cope on charity shop/eBay/primark and bday or Xmas presents (have done for so long) but he needs to provide for our boys.

Ok so reasons for staying;
1/ We have such a long shared history, I've done all my growing up with him and our roots have grown together
2/ I am scared that I will mess my boy's lives up and they will hate me.
3/ ds1 especially adoreS his dad and I am scared he will fill both their heads with all sorts of rubbish. At least if I am here I can posit an alternative view
4/ dh will make it sound like I am evil harpie and I am mentally unhinged and unreasonable,
5/ he shares my sense of ridiculousness and we laugh a lot
6/ what will I do for money? I earn a decent part time wage and i have worked out that I can support us but it will be v v tight
7/ I stood up in front of all our friends an family and promised to love honour and cherish him until death us do part. I will be such a failure in everyone's eyes if leave.

OP posts:
kodachrome · 22/02/2012 21:54

I hope you're busy scanning/photocopying all financial letters etc, then. Grin

  1. It's not all good history. Do you really want more years of the same?
  2. What about the damage of seeing the way he treats you? What if they repeat the cycle with future partners? What if they accept poor treatment from their partners?
  3. You'll still be able to give an alternate viewpoint. He may end up with less input/influence.
  4. You know you're not. Anyone who knows you will know you're not.
  5. Other people will have a similar sense of humour.
  6. Life is short.
  7. Lots of relationships end. It isn't unusual. People may have seen through him already and wonder how you stick it.
Swipe left for the next trending thread