Can you look at my pros and cons list for staying together please?

[TieAYellowRibbon]

This is such a silly way to decide whether I am doing the right thing in considering leaving my husband but this has all been going round and round in my head for months and I need to get some perspective. So I've drawn up a list of the reasons I want to leave, and the reasons I want to stay, and I would really appreciate it if someone could comment on it- whether item 1 is petty, item 4 is a dealbreaker IYO, 3 needs a bit more explaining- dh can be a bit controlling and I really doubt my own judgement. So here goes the first three, will probably have to do them bit by bit as they come to me (have been floating in my head but articulating them is harder!)

Reasons I want to leave:
1/ He controls all the finances. I have repeatedly begged asked to have all our income pooled into one big pot that all our expenditure comes out of but he refuses. So if eg I need new work shoes or dc need something then he will pay but I have to ask him for the money and often if the item is an unusual purchase he will decide which one to get himslef as he doesn't trust me to make the best decision. I often have no diposable income after I have paid my half of the bills (he earns a lot more than me)
2/ I don't think I can make good decisions anymore as I'm always worried about getting things wrong, and I used to be quite self assured and independent so I know I've changed (not sure of this is down to him though!)
3/ If I do "get things wrong" he sulks but claims not to be doing so when challenged so I am the one who ends up looking like I'm wierd for thinking it
4/ I don't feel supported by him, just belittled. I have given up all hobbies etc I used to have and many friendships have fallen by the wayside too because he makes things difficult for me to maintain them. Eg laughs and pokes fun at my interests or expects unusually high standards of achievement in them when I am not doing it to competition level, just for my own personal enjoyment. Make it difficult to see friends by being a bit stroppy about having to do bedtime for both dc's (dc2 only settles well for me) or me having time away from the family.
5/ I feel taken advantage of wrt housework, he refuses to allow a cleaner into our home (he would need to pay for it as I have so little cash, so he makes decision)
6/ I am uncomfortable with his reliance on porn, and whilst in the past have gone along with this and joined in watching etc and got some enjoyment out of it I do not like the fact that he is not wanting to be intimate with me but just is imaginging f*ing a nameless woman as per the porn he watches.
7/ I DO NOT WANT MY CHILDREN TO GROW UP THINKING THIS IS HOW MEN SHOULD TREAT WOMEN

And that is just off the top of my head. More to come. Would really appreciate your comments to help me see if I am being reasonable in my reasons. If that makes sense!

1/ Don't make it any longer! You only get one life, make it a different life.

2/ How old are the kids? Sooner or later they'll seen him for what he is, and maybe hate him for what he does to you, rather than hate you for leaving.

3/ You're not planning on no contact with the kids are you? So, they will see your alternative view. Are you planning to leave with the kids, get him to leave, leave without the kids and visit, or what?

4/ If this is what you think he's like, yet another reason to leave, surely.

5/ The only positive point here.

6/ If you can support you and the kids that's fine, isn't it? He doesn't give you enough money anyway, it's not like your living in luxury. It will be nice not having to beg for it .

7/ Do you know what they really think - of your marriage, and of him? Maybe they already suspect your original list and will be glad for you. If not, I'm sure they (or the ones that count) will support you anyway.

So here goess... the first time I've said this on MN... LEAVE THE BASTARD!

C'estlavie- sorry I didn't respond to your post earlier. I have a bit of money but not the £1800 id need to get a deposit and first months rent paid. Saving up bit by bit though and should have it by September (pinching child benefit from joint account when I can too )

AllPast- I did a little snorty laugh at your last sentence (hope he didn't notice!)

But then, your H stood up in front of the same friends and family and promised to love, honour etc you too, not to mention endowing you with all his worldly wossnames. So which one of you broke the promise first?

Marriage is a two-way bargain, you know. It doesn't work if only one of you sticks to it. If you were running a business and you suppliers failed to deliver, you wouldn't feel honour bound to uphold your end of the contract by paying them anyway, would you? Or would you?

(That's the way I worked it out for myself, because I too made that promise, and really meant to keep it, but the party of the second part made it impossible.)

*your suppliers (damned typos, I'm supposed to be perfect)

Annie, was there something that made you finally snap? A catalyst, or straw that broke the camels back?

Reading your post was like reading a profile of my ex.

I walked away and do not regret it for one second. Financial Security means nothing when you are dis empowered and having to justify yourself on a daily basis. He is eroding your self esteem and chipping away from you bit by bit.

My heart sank when i read your list. It won't change. You have to be the one to make it happen.

Sorry if I sound harsh OP I want to give you a big hug and say there is another way.

You have to decide if you want to live like this for the rest of your life. If you don't then you can forge another way

xx

Left my husband for the same reasons 3 years ago it was tough but not as tough as staying. it was the best thing I could have done. the kids agree.

All your reasons to leave are valid, numbers 1, 6 and 7 on their own would be dealbreakers for me.

Re your reasons to stay:
1: But what has that actually gained you? Think of yourself as a pair of pot-bound plants...
2: You won't and they won't- see Reason For Leaving # 7
3: But while you're positing your alternative view, the boys are absorbing all his ill treatment of you- at least if you get out, they will see a happy, positive mum who's just had the weight of the world lifted off her shoulders
4: Yes, he probably will. You know you're not.
5: That's very nice, but does it cancel everything else out?
6: Have you taken account of spousal maintenance and other ancillary relief in that calculation? You should be entitled to support from your husband for a number of years to give you time to retrain or whatever you need to do to increase your earning potential. Lawyer up.
7: Nobody whose opinions are worth a shit will think ill of you for ending an abusive marriage. There are no prizes for grinning and bearing it.

Oh, ours was a silly thing, last straws often are. We had an argument about an online game and he rang up his sister to tell her we were getting divorced so I could go and live overseas with one of the blokes I played with. He described it so well that I thought "you know, that could work". Of course he didn't mean a word of it, but once I'd seen the light there was no going back.

Rainie my boys are 3 and 7 so don't think they have a balanced view yet. But I am clinging onto the fact that it is my responsibility to bring them up to be loving decent respectful and kind husbands partners fathers friends- and i do not think dh can. I do not want them to be like him.

Huey(love the name! He was a crush of mine back in the day) we want for nothing, but I have to ask for everything which makes me feel shit and i am financially very dependent on him, and then be grateful for it all when he "has" to pay for everything. I don't want his cash I just want it to be fair. I have cried so often and told him how rubbish I feel that now I can't be bothered. I'm past it really. No illusions that this will be easy but I am resigned to the fact that we are going to split up.

Have spoken to a very dear friend tonight and we are going to go away for a night to chat things through drink wine pass each other tissues whilst we snivel about our feckless men and generally do girl stuff. Am counting down the days.

ps the divorce sounded good, not the living overseas with bloke thing.

My only advice: while you continue to dither over what is clearly a hideous marriage, waiting for a good time/the strength/the money to leave, there is a danger you will meet a really normal, nice man who listens to you, respects you, values you etc etc. And you may end up having an affair. Watch out for this, and resist. Leave first, find lovely man second. Much better for everyone.

Lol Annie I would take overseas as an opener!

Your pros are much smaller and much less important than your cons. And very few of them seem to be about you. They are all about what other people will think or how other people will feel. Don't you deserve to be happy?

(sorry, only read your posts not everyone else's)

Trills I feel uncomfortable putting myself first in this. If I can make it about the children I have a chance of justifying to myself but if its for me then I will be being selfish at the expense if the other 3 people in my family.

I think the answer is within the fact that you felt the need to compile a pros & cons list, op!

The children will be better off with separated parents than with parents in a bad relationship where one or the other is staying "for the sake of the children". You've already said that you think DH is a bad role model. Do you want to show them that women stay in relationships like this even when they are not happy? Is this what you want them to grow up thinking of as the correct way for a relationship to run?

tie most women feel the same in your situation, I stayed in my relationship for five years longer than I should of because of the children, I didn't feel that I had any right to think of myself, felt incredibly selfish for thinking of ending a marriage because I wasn't happy, and because of that the dc had to stay for another five years watching their parents in an unhappy dysfunctional relationship and mimicking that in the way they treated each other, eventually things got so awful I found the strength to leave and I've no regrets whatsoever

My parents have commented on how much the dc have calmed down and become much less aggressive towards one another something I hadn't even realised!

You certainly owe it to your DCs to take their needs into consideration in the event of a split. This does not mean you mustn't split until they're adults but it does mean you don't use real live children as weapons to attack each other with. Children mostly don't want change unless the situation is really appalling, but we sometimes have to overrule it (eg moving house, new school, bigger bed) for the greater good. They usually learn to like the changes if they're introduced sympathetically.

But a unit built on one member being thoroughly miserable for the sake of the other three members' happiness is not a family, it's slavery.

tie have just saw that your dc are still young, my advice would be not to wait until they are older IMO it just gets harder as they get older, I have a family member who stuck it out for the sake of his three dc and then left when they were teenagers and it's been an absolute nightmare for them all now he has two that aren't speaking to him and have teamed up with his ex-wife, one has vandalised his car, another threatened his new partner and lots of other nasty things, it's all gone pear shaped and yet all three of those boys/young men are still struggling to comes to terms with it and it's been three years now

Tie I left a similar man mainly for the sake of my DCs. I didn't want them growing up thinking that this is how men should treat women/this is all women should expect. These relationships can repeat for generations if someone doesn't break the template.

Of course now that I'm free of his constant criticism, and I feel a bit better about myself, I see that I deserve not to be miserable, and I could have made the same decision for my own reasons.

Tie I hope you dont mind but I dont want my H to see this post. But I need to let it out I am also upsidedownboyyouturnme NC'd but too stressed now to change back.

Can I post on yours.

An hour ago I told him I wanted to seperate, he flipped into a rage, no hitting but lots of shouting I feel sick to my stomach - so guilty, nervous, he's been back once for some things.

Someone talk to me please

He promised to cherish you too, Tie. I take my marriage vows very seriously but he broke those vows first.

As for you lovely Uppy, I think that is the most distressing thing I have read in a long time. You sound so, so wonderful and I'm genuinely upset that that waste of air could treat you so dreadfully.

Iwill, posted before I reached the end of the thread. Do you feel unsafe? Can you get someone over? Is he in the house? Leave keys in the locks so he can't get in maybe? Don't know what to say, think you may need your own thread for immediate support lovely. Keep safe. Exx