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Original poster

This constitute as cheating on me and Im not being over the top about it.

71 replies

woahthere · 21/02/2012 11:16

I caught my boyfriend out, he has been having a relationship with another woman wherby hes been meeting up with her, lying to me about where he is going, waiting for me to go away and then meeting her after dropping our son at his Mum and Dads, he kissed her at Christmas party, and they have been having role play about what they would do to each other if they could. He hasnt slept with her, in fact they both say they havent done anything apart from the kiss, and dont ask me why but I do believe this, but the messages they were sending each other were complete role play, very very explicit. Im completely devestated.

OP posts:
waterrat · 21/02/2012 11:18

of course it's cheating. In fact, the fact that he can't admit it's cheating makes it even worse as he isn't facing up to his responsibilities towards you or to what he has done. you need to get as much support around you as possible while you work out how to move forward.

PopcornBiscuit · 21/02/2012 11:19

YANBU.

You deserve better.

ChaoticAngel · 21/02/2012 11:19

YANBU I'm sorry OP, that's cheating Sad

He has lied to you and deceived you, whether or not they have had sex is irrelevant.

Have you any idea what you want to do now?

aldiwhore · 21/02/2012 11:23

I think its a bit lame to claim you're doing nothing wrong when you're doing EVERYTHING but that one act.

YANBU.

Its inappropriate and completely disrespectful to you.

I would tell your soon to be ex (I hope) boyfriend (BOY being the operative word) that he should just go for it, indulge in his fantasy. Let him go.

You are worth more than to be treated with such disregard, whether its cheating or not, its hurting you and is disrespectful. Don't get into an argument about what it is or what its not, you know how its making you feel as does he, yet he thinks its okay.

That in itself is a deal breaker. Get rid.

(I actually don't think cheating is the worse crime, sex can happen even to good people... disregard for you and disrespect is the greater crime and less forgiveable).

GrahamTribe · 21/02/2012 11:24

Yes, that's cheating IMO. The kiss, unless of the type which he'd give his sister or mother, took it beyond solely friendship.

Original poster
woahthere · 21/02/2012 11:24

right now? i want to give her a bloody good slap.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/02/2012 11:25

YANBU

Of course it's cheating even if they haven't had sex

And sadly, it sounds as though it's just a matter of time before they do.

aldiwhore · 21/02/2012 11:25

Why her? Why not him? She has no duty to your feelings, he does. Slap him.

WorraLiberty · 21/02/2012 11:26

You don't want to slap your boyfriend?

OhChristFenton · 21/02/2012 11:28

I'm sure you do want to give her a slap, you should want to give both of them a slap.

But don't. Don't lower yourself.

Don't enter into any exchange with her. Just get rid of him.

BluddyMoFo · 21/02/2012 11:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
woahthere · 21/02/2012 11:30

he knows hes been an idiot, there are so many things hes done that are doing my head in, times Ive been worried about him because hes been late back from somewhere...and hes been with her, times Ive felt guilty for going away while Ive gone on a girly weekend...and hes been with her, when hes been messaging her whilst we were on a romantic break together, the fact that he called her things that he never calls me. I feel so betrayed, and sick about it, but we have children together and its so hard to think of letting it all go for a silly affair. He says he wants me and not her...but how do I get over this. Im the sad sap who was on here not long ago wondering why my boyfriend wouldnt propose to me...what a fool....

OP posts:
manticlimactic · 21/02/2012 11:32

I'm betting if the shoe was on the other foot and it was you who had done this, he would think it's cheating.

It's cheating. Get shut.

OkayGrrl · 21/02/2012 11:33

Yes it's cheating.

Original poster
woahthere · 21/02/2012 11:35

Crossed posts, I am so angry at him, I have screamed and shouted and flailed at him (but Im not really going to hurt him am I). I have a lot of anger towards her because I have read messages between them, and my boyfriend did make feeble attempts of telling her he wouldnt cheat on me or leave me, and then as the messages went on he was saying how confused he was but he loved me and he they should stop what they were doing, and she really was relentlessly ignoring him. Dont worry, Im not letting him off the hook, but I do think she is a complete bitch..she is married. When I SAY i want to slap her, I wouldnt actually, but I really want to.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 21/02/2012 11:41

Sorry you're making excuses.

She is a 'bitch' but he is 'a bit silly'???? WTF?

You actually think its oklay for him to send messages saying "oh stop stop stop" yet he still sends messages? He still visits her?

He's playing you.

Whether you forgive him or not is up to you, but don't make excuses for him. Forgive him for the actual 'crime' don't lessen it in your mind though, if you can forgive him for being a disrespectful, spinelss cheat, then do, he may learn, but FFS don't start thinking 'well he was a little silly'.

They are both equally to blame and equally guilty of betraying people they are supposed to be commited to. But as far as 'crimes against you' go, he is MORE guilty than her.

She really was relentlessly ignoring him - Am I missing something? HE was relentlessly NOT ignoring her, and for that he's a cock.

manticlimactic · 21/02/2012 11:41

Letting it all go for a silly affair? Do you really think it's silly? Of course it's up to, you but ask yourself. Would you ever trust him again?

So she was ignoring his (feeble) requests to leave him alone? Why did he have to respond? Her marriage is her marriage, his is his. HE should have done something to stop himself, if he loved you so much.Hmm

NotaDisneyMum · 21/02/2012 11:54

He may not have had a physical affair, but he is having an emotional affair, and some (not all) marriage counsellors consider this to be infidelity.

If you feel betrayed because he has an emotional investment in someone else, and has shared emotional intimacy with her, then he has been unfaithful to you.

Her role in this is irrelevant to be honest - if she is a friend, then her betrayal of you is a totally different issue to the unfaithful behaviour of your partner, if you do not know her, then she is merely someone who has different moral values to yourself - not someone for you to invest time and anger on.

You have a choice; to end the relationship as your trust has been broken or to commit to working at the relationship (with or without professional support). Only you can decide this.
You may decide to work at it, if your DP does as well - and that journey may bring you closer together or it may bring your relationship to an end. But this isn't the only option - there is nothing that says you have to keep trying, and it may be that enough is enough for you.

HipHopOpotomus · 21/02/2012 12:00

I think you know that this is more than a silly affair OP. He is texting/calling and meeting with her every opportunity he can get either opportunistically or manufactured - he is at best infatuated with her, possibly more. And he is lying to you in order to have this relationship with her. :(

squeakytoy · 21/02/2012 12:00

the "role play" certainly sounds like the preliminaries to a full on shagging session.. if they havent already, they were definately about to..

I would be seriously considering ending the relationship... a drunk snog at a party can be a "silly mistake".. a prolonged two sided relationship is a different matter..

Original poster
woahthere · 21/02/2012 12:05

can you stop attacking me about what i think of her, watching my exact wording is not high on my agenda. i didnt say shes a bitch and hes a bit silly in the same context did i. hes an utter twat and a wanker and i hate him right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
woahthere · 21/02/2012 12:07

and i know hes a cock, i didnt say it because i thought it went without saying, but i am allowed to hate her as well and was explaining why i do.

OP posts:
OhChristFenton · 21/02/2012 12:12

Of course you're allowed to hate her, I think other posters were just trying to remind you that it is him who supposedly has a commitment to you, not her.

So have you thought about where to go from here, what are planning to say to him? goodbye hopefully

Catsmamma · 21/02/2012 12:14

when are you going to stop blaming her and start blaming him?

No one is attacking you, just the ridiculous assumption that SHE is completely at fault, and he is being led on

GlueSticksEverywhere · 21/02/2012 12:18

I always think the guilt is on the part of the cheating partner soooo much more then the other woman/man. Don't make the mistake of putting the blame on the other woman as that's just letting him off the hook. It's also treating him like a child or just a "weak man" who isn't capable of making their own decisions or saying no.

He may have been saying to her that he wouldn't cheat on you but he already was. If you hadn't have found out when you did it would have escalated and they would have soon been having sex. The saying he wouldn't cheat is worthless because he was.