Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

This constitute as cheating on me and Im not being over the top about it.

71 replies

woahthere · 21/02/2012 11:16

I caught my boyfriend out, he has been having a relationship with another woman wherby hes been meeting up with her, lying to me about where he is going, waiting for me to go away and then meeting her after dropping our son at his Mum and Dads, he kissed her at Christmas party, and they have been having role play about what they would do to each other if they could. He hasnt slept with her, in fact they both say they havent done anything apart from the kiss, and dont ask me why but I do believe this, but the messages they were sending each other were complete role play, very very explicit. Im completely devestated.

OP posts:

runningwilde · 21/02/2012 13:53

Do you honestly believe they haven't slept together?

Had he done this before? His actions show no love or respect for you and you need to know the whole truth if you are to move forward

iCANdothisiCAN · 21/02/2012 13:58

You'd be amazed what you can do, honestly.

In a million years I never thought I'd cope alone. Due to a family situation I have no help at all right now.

But i'm doing it, one day at a time, but i'm doing it, and it feels amazing!
Every time I achieve even the smallest thing it's almost like a rush of adrenaline.

Believe me, you can do whatever it takes. You're a mum, it gives you strength you never knew you had.

After what happened with me there's no way I can advocate you staying, but it's also absolutely not my place to tell you to leave.

It's your marriage and you will make whatever decision is right for you and your children, never doubt that.

I can't give you any helpful advice but I can listen. ANY TIME. Unload to your heart's content xx

MNHQ

KatMumsnet · 21/02/2012 15:20

Hi, we're going to move this into Relationships.

Bucharest · 21/02/2012 15:26

Whatever you decide to do, the first thing is to stop believing him when he says he hasn't slept with her.

Although I'll give him kudos. Th "roleplaying" it is a good one.

And, as others said, which you know already, it's not her fault. She is not the one who was supposedly being faithful to you,is she?

Charbon · 21/02/2012 16:07

Oh of course you blame her because she is of course, not without blame.

Doesn't mean you blame him less than her. I assume in fact you blame him more.

If there have been opportunities to meet her, he will have had sex with her. Sex though, doesn't just involve penis in vagina sex, but people caught out in these situations think that they are telling the technical truth when they say they haven't 'had sex' .......and lots just lie anyway and have had PIV sex.

He can literally smell your weakness. He knows you will roll over and put up with this. Yes you might shout and weep and wail, but you won't leave him because you're dependent on him and he knows it.

So he will do it again.

izzyizin · 21/02/2012 17:16

Role play? They've certainly been playing away and as their game will have involved more than a few rolls in the hay I guess they're just smirking at their deviousness playing with words as well as each other.

You say she's married? If she's living with her spouse, I suspect that the only reason they are maintaining that their relationship is not sexual is their fear that her hubby will go apeshit if he discovers what's truly being going on under his nose as well as yours

Out of curiousity, is her spouse aware of her willingness to enact sex scenes with other men?

Original poster

woahthere · 21/02/2012 19:30

he has sworn that he hasnt slept with her, and ive said to him that they must have at least done other stuff but he says they havent, and wouldnt...she says the same. I think perhaps they hadnt, but it was only a matter of time because you cant have porny conversations without expecting it to eventually lead somewhere can you. Im not dependant on him, I know that financially I can look after myself, and I have been a single Mum before, Im not scared of it. Ive given him the option to go for it and fuck off, but he says he wants me. Hes never done anything like this before, hes really quiet! (I know i know!) its so horrible that hes done this, i literally cant believe it, its like a bad dream. I cant sleep, I cant swallow, Ive lost a stone in a week, I keep having panic attacks and I cant concentrate on anything. I self harmed whilst drunk the other night, and I havent done that for a long time, Im so angry with myself that I did and that I allowed myself to get so upset and do such a stupid ugly thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

woahthere · 21/02/2012 19:32

her husband doesnt know. I dont actually know her, I found her on facebook and messaged her.

OP posts:

LilacWaltz · 21/02/2012 19:37

He's sworn he hasn't slept with her? Sorry, but I wouldn't believe that. Men only admit as much as they have to, and she can't admit it as she will be worried about you telling her husband.

I'd get to the clinic..... And make him go to.

CurrySpice · 21/02/2012 19:43

I am prepared to bet my mortgage that they have had sex. Sorry, I know you don't want to believe that but I expect they have

runningwilde · 21/02/2012 20:02

I too would not believe them - get yourself checked out. How did thru meet etc?

Doha · 21/02/2012 20:20

It suits them both to say they haven't had sex but l would bet my bottom dollar that they have
Get ab STI check

lazarusb · 21/02/2012 20:24

Hi Woah. Please, please try and look after yourself a bit. I know it's almost impossible to eat when you feel like this but try, no matter how little. Do it for your dcs if you can't face doing it for you.
Do you have RL support? A friend you can talk to. I don't know much about self-harming but can you get support for that too?

You are going through hell. I think you need time and space to work out what you think and how you feel. But please don't blame yourself for any of this or the repercussions either. I couldn't be as forgiving as you but this decision is yours to make when you are ready to make it.

Pornyissue · 21/02/2012 21:13

Hi op, how are you?

How is your boyfriends behaviour? Does he seem sorry or heartless? Has indicated what he wants to happen next?

Are you still under the same roof?

Original poster

woahthere · 22/02/2012 09:29

Im ok thank you. He seems sorry, he's lost a load of weight and looks very gaunt. He wants us to stay together and says he cant believe how stupid he has been. he says he understands if I need to go to the clinic but that i dont need to because they didnt do anything. i dont know why but i do believe him. He went away for a little bit but hes back because I dont want the children suspecting anything is wrong.

OP posts:

Doha · 22/02/2012 10:06

I wouldn't believe a word of what he says right now.
For the sake on your health you need a STI check, he won't admit to what he can get away with, so please take wht he says with a pinch of salt it is better safe than sorry.
He is gaunt and lost wait through guilt, nothingmore nothing less. If you hadn't caght him out do you think it would have stopped? No way he is only sorry cause you spoiled his little party not because of the hurt he has caused you.
He is getting off far too easily. There will be a next time if you don't deal with this now

BeamMysterious · 22/02/2012 11:07

woahthere you have my sympathy, it sounds like you are going through hell. Have you thought about some sort of relationship counselling? Would talking to someone impartial help?

lazarusb · 22/02/2012 11:40

I struggle to believe that they stopped at a kiss but continued to send explicit texts. Protect yourself at the very least Woah, get tested.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 22/02/2012 12:13

So when and for how long were their meet ups?

dizzy36 · 22/02/2012 13:41

Hi woahthere, I havent been on here for a while but just wanted to say to you...you need time to digest what happens before you can make any decisions. I came on here last year hoping for some insight but was met with mostly angry, bitter (sorry) women. You do not have to get 'shut', you are allowed to be angry at 'her' as well as him. Yes, by the sounds of it your boyfriend is definitley cheating on you....either just emotional or possibly physical. The inportant thing is stop beating yourself up about, you can never know what has truly happened and these texts are all just a game these two are playing, a fantasy. Its not real. I have been through the same thing for the last 15 months with my dh coming back and forward for the 3rd time!! last September. I only recently found out that he has still been spending time with ow the whole time (why did he come back i hear you ask...you and me both!).

Basically, a lot of men are very very immature and a little bit of attention makes them turn into little boys. The big thing that is fueling your boyfriends actions is the secrecy, the 'naughtiness' that is the appeal of a lot of these relationships have. If you have it in you in time, and you really do want to make your relationship work....forget about whats happened, dont mention this other woman again, just get on with your life, let him see what hes missing, He might do what mine is starting to do....backtracking, why? because I told him, whatever your doing with this ow, just do it, get it out in the open, no need to keep it a secret if thats what you need. I told him I wouldnt throw him out because the children had been through enough but I would be getting on with my life (I am studying) and he could be part of it if he wants. Low and behold since then...lots of backtracking....there is nothing going on, i will try harder with us to make it work etc....

Give yourself time to get your head round whats happening, and see if your strong enough to do what i am doing because it is not easy. Take control of the situation.

The best of luck with whatever you decide to do. x

GlueSticksEverywhere · 23/02/2012 09:38

He might do what mine is starting to do....backtracking, why? because I told him, whatever your doing with this ow, just do it, get it out in the open, no need to keep it a secret if thats what you need. I told him I wouldnt throw him out because the children had been through enough but I would be getting on with my life (I am studying) and he could be part of it if he wants. Low and behold since then...lots of backtracking....there is nothing going on, i will try harder with us to make it work etc....

I am glad things are going how you want dizzy36. I did wonder though if your DH is backtracking as a gut reaction to you moving on and nothing more. He does sound like a shit, and I think although giving him a shock about the possiblity of losing you might get him back in the short term, it isn't going to change him or anything in the long term. He (by the sounds of it) will eventually go back to cheating because that is what he does and he's been doing it for so long and lying for so long. He sounds like one of those people who want what they can't have which is why you moving on has him running back. Sorry to be so negative.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread