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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This constitute as cheating on me and Im not being over the top about it.

71 replies

woahthere · 21/02/2012 11:16

I caught my boyfriend out, he has been having a relationship with another woman wherby hes been meeting up with her, lying to me about where he is going, waiting for me to go away and then meeting her after dropping our son at his Mum and Dads, he kissed her at Christmas party, and they have been having role play about what they would do to each other if they could. He hasnt slept with her, in fact they both say they havent done anything apart from the kiss, and dont ask me why but I do believe this, but the messages they were sending each other were complete role play, very very explicit. Im completely devestated.

OP posts:
PerryCombover · 21/02/2012 12:22

In my experience...when someone admits they have kissed someone and there is other evidence like loads of texts usually they've shagged them .
It all comes tumbling out later.

Don't treat this as something silly.

Original poster
woahthere · 21/02/2012 12:30

catsmamma... i havent said that have I!

OP posts:
dandelionss · 21/02/2012 12:30

i would consider this much worse cheating than a drunken one night stand

Original poster
woahthere · 21/02/2012 12:36

it was her that wouldnt admit it was cheating, so insulting...he has admitted it. I just wanted to check that I wasnt being crazy about it before I decide to do next. Some of my friends do think its cheating but the fact that they didnt sleep together is making them think its not worth leaving him for, and its making me feel a bit confused I think youve all got a bit carried away on the thread of me blaming her. Of course its about him and me, not him and her, but i cant control my feelings of hate for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
woahthere · 21/02/2012 12:36

me too dandelionss

OP posts:
letseatgrandma · 21/02/2012 12:42

she really was relentlessly ignoring him

???

NotaDisneyMum · 21/02/2012 12:44

it was her that wouldnt admit it was cheating, so insulting

How do you know this? Is she a friend? Family member? Or just a random stranger - in which case, why do you care what she thinks?

I get that you are angry with her - but you have a limited amount of energy and it seems a waste using it on being angry with her - after all, she won't give a damn what you think.

Original poster
woahthere · 21/02/2012 12:46

ok im not responding to anything about her now, you all think im wrong for being annoyed with her, whatever, i am, and i think shes a bitch and a disgrace. Im not saying its all her fault, I know hes made all of this. But I dont want to talk about her anymore. What the fuck do I do now. Ive got 3 kids. I loved him. So much.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 21/02/2012 12:49

I dont think you are wrong for being annoyed with her.. she clearly knew he was in a relationship, and she was (from what you have said) doing a lot of pushing and encouraging when he started to back away..

NotaDisneyMum · 21/02/2012 12:49

What the fuck do I do now. Ive got 3 kids. I loved him. So much.

channel your energy into deciding what to do next:

You have a choice; to end the relationship as your trust has been broken or to commit to working at the relationship (with or without professional support). Only you can decide this.
You may decide to work at it, if your DP does as well - and that journey may bring you closer together or it may bring your relationship to an end. But this isn't the only option - there is nothing that says you have to keep trying, and it may be that enough is enough for you.

Ghoulwithadragontattoo · 21/02/2012 12:50

I think you're right it's cheating. Are you sure they haven't slept together? You need to know in case he may have passed and STI onto you. It is perfectly reasonable that you're angry and disgusted with both of them.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2012 12:52

YANBU And of course he's slept with her.... don't be naive.

NeldaAufwader · 21/02/2012 12:54

OP I'd get this moved to relationships if I were you, you obviously need to thrash all of this out before you make any life changing decisions and over there will prob be the most helpful board for that, I'm not sure Aibu is the appropriate place.

Floggingmolly · 21/02/2012 13:02

I was her that wouldn't admit it was cheating. She didn't cheat on you, he did. And she couldn't have relentlessly ignored him if he wasn't in constant contact with her Confused

Original poster
woahthere · 21/02/2012 13:02

how do i get it moved?

OP posts:
iCANdothisiCAN · 21/02/2012 13:04

Op i'm so sorry for you.

Be as angry as you want with the skanky ho!

The exact same thing happened to me 4 years ago. We managed to work through it thank god.

Unfortunately in december, 4 months after the birth of our first child I found out he'd done it again. With a mutual "friend". Had in fact done it several times with several women. He apparently "can't help himself, it's an addiction, he needs help not judgement" Hmm

Only you can judge what's best for you.

Now obviously I know my stbXh is completely to blame but I swear, if I ever see that snidey cow again you'll see me on the news!

NeldaAufwader · 21/02/2012 13:05

woah report your own post, then ask in the text box. I hope things work out for you, you must be feeling shitty right now.

garlicfrother · 21/02/2012 13:10

Report your OP and put your request in the message box.

It's up to you whether you choose to share your life with someone who is ALSO sharing his with a second woman. He valued this other relationship so much that he kept himself half-in, half-out of his relationship with you ('romantic' weekend, and all the hundreds of lies) and his relationship with his children (your weekend away, picking up kids from grandparents).

Personally I think you AND your children deserve full attention & respect, not some when it suits him. But it is up to you.

Original poster
woahthere · 21/02/2012 13:10

thats awful ican do this, and exactly the thing that worries me about staying with him, he seems genuinely devestated, but what if its just giving him the green light to do it again when things calm down, i cant go through this kind of heartbreak again.

OP posts:
LadyWord · 21/02/2012 13:12

Oh come on everyone. When you get cheated on you hate the OW's guts. You don't ponder exactly how much to blame she is - you hate her and fair enough. And personally I think having a relationship with someone who you know to have a partner is crappy behaviour.

garlicfrother · 21/02/2012 13:13

There are only a couple of people I actively hate in this world. One is my abusive ex-boss; one's the woman who went out of her way to make friends with me, to facilitate her affair with my husband. So I understand what you mean.

I should add, though, that I have cold contempt for quite a few people, including him.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 21/02/2012 13:14

I agree that often when a cheating partner admits to kissing then it often means there has been more going on, something sexual. And if they say it only happened the once then it often means it's been ongoing. I think it's the standard thing when caught out . . . admit to something but not the whole truth!

Only the 2 of them know exactly though and I am not sure how you would ever find out for definate.

I feel really bad for you OP, you must be going through hell right now Sad

iCANdothisiCAN Sorry to hear you've been through it recently too.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 21/02/2012 13:15

I think at least for now you should make him leave. He needs to understand how serious this is for you.

iCANdothisiCAN · 21/02/2012 13:31

wish it's like i'm talking to myself when you say that. And not in a "she's not listening to me" way! Those are the exact questions I asked myself.

I really can't advise you, I really don't know what the best thing to do is. I wish I did.

Without doubt it has been and continues to be the most painful thing I've ever know. I miss him. Every day. I spend too much of my time mourning the loss of the future I thought we would have.

But the long and short of it is he won't change. I so desperately want to believe he will, but deep down I know he won't and I'd never forgive myself if ds grew up thinking it was normal or acceptable. That's what I focus on to get through each day.

In a strange way i'm glad I gave him another chance. At least now i'm not wracked with doubt, I don't feel like I "gave up to quickly". I can hold my head up high knowing I gave my marriage all I could. He gave up on it, not me.

But on the other hand I feel, in no uncertain terms, a complete and utter tit! Embarrassed that I stuck by him. Ashamed that my life was a sham.

If I could go back and change it would i? I will never know.

Original poster
woahthere · 21/02/2012 13:41

aww, icandothis , you arent the tit, he is, youre amazing for trying and then for being so brave to leave. I dont know if Im that brave. I wish you all the best and think you for kind words and insight, it really is helpful just talking about it. xxxx

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