I have wasted 25 years of my life . . .

[oldfatandtired]

This might be a long one . . . Our marriage has not been good for a while. Never see each other, his long hours mean an early start and late home. When he is home he drinks too much. He has had, to my knowledge, 2 affairs. BUT we had 2 lovely boys and I wanted them to have a happy upbringing.

He has been saying for the last few months, why don't I go and find a nice man who would love me. Well, cos I'm married to you, maybe? Last w/e he informed me he was going to stay in London during the week. He did. He was meant to be home this w/e, he didn't come. To cut a long story short, I went on at him on the phone tonight until he admitted he had someone else . . . I knew . She is apparently a workmate, married with kids approx the same age as ours. She is going to leave her husband to be with him.

Enough is enough! I am going to arrange a meeting with a solicitor ASAP to sort out a divorce. I hate him and what he is doing to my lovely family. He earns 4x my salary, has always earned well but just spends on himself. After the 2nd affair (in another country) he said he would stay with me if he could buy something (Not saying what as it might 'out' me and he put another 50k on our mortgage). Yes, I signed it, I didn't want to but I still loved him. We also had to remortgage in 201O. Every other day parcels arrived for him, I never knew what was in them. He earns >90k a year, I earn 26k. I spend little on myself, all I ever wanted was for the boys (21 and 18) to have what they need.

Apparently I am old (50, same as him), fat (size 10-12) and tired. Yeah, I'll give you the last one!

He tells me "you're not having the fucking house!". I beg to differ. He has also paid into pensions for the last 24 years, final salary ones until 3 years ago. I only started paying into a pension 5 years ago - when I was working freelance "you don't need a pension, we'll have mine".

When we married we earned the same. I have always worked, just around the children, so that he could advance his career and now I am to be thrown away. . .

My older son is devasted. He worshipped his dad. What this will do to my younger son I dread to think . . .

Someone tell me I'll be OK? I love my house, it's not fancy, it's my family home. What do I have to tell my solicitor? And how could I ever have loved a dysfunctional, selfish, alcoholic shagger?

I don't really have any friends to talk to about this, so thank you for letting me let it out.

Couldn't read and run but have no advise I'm afraid. What a twat. Hope you Can find strength and get through this.

Advice even.

I'm so sorry. For you and your sons.
My initial thought was that the 25 years haven't been wasted. You have your boys.
I wish I could hang around longer and give a proper reply, but now my fuckwit of a (separated) husband has stopped the noise downstairs I can go to bed. He is on holiday this coming week but I am not.
I hope someone comes along to hold your hand. Keep strong. X

Hello Love.
You have really hit a cord with me. I was with my husband for 22 years when he did a runner with someone else.
The pain is intolerable at first and so is the exhaustion. It does get better but I understand that me saying that is no comfort.
It is hard. Really hard.
The only advise I can give you is to put yourself first re: the house and the money. Stop thinking of him as your friend. Do not let the good memories put you in a position where you will allow him to do you over financially. My husband earned far more than me and seemed to think that the fact I'd taken time out to raise our kids was some sort of holiday break. Please get some decent legal advice.
Your kids will be suprisingly OK. Mine did much better than I did.
Take it day at a time. Hour at a time. Just keep breathing and looking after yourself.

You are not old and you are certainly not effing fat. He is doing what people do when they are guilty - re writing history.
YOU WILL BE OK.
Much love Liz

Natasha - probably about 200k equity.

sorry to hear it, sounds like this chap has put you through a lot. In time you may see things differently - you're still young enough to have a much better future for yourself without him, your kids are now grown up so they can see him independently and you won't have to be bothered by him.
work out how to get what's due to you financially and don't bother discussing it with him unless on a formal basis, keep copies of emails and that sort of thing

have you thought about counselling?
don't blame yourself

Sweetheart, see the best solicitor you can afford and get every fucking penny you are entitled to

Call around a few tomorrow, and ask for the ones that go for the fucking jugular in divorce cases where the children are over 18 and the cheating partner has persistently robbed from the financial pot

Take strength from the fact you have finally seen the light. No regrets. Move forward now.

AF I hoped you'd be along! That is precisely what I intend to do. You know, I'm not sad (only for my sons) - I am so ANGRY and he will NOT, NOT, NOT get away with it!

No, he shouldn't get away with it

I recommend you use those exact words on the phone "do you go for the fucking jugular?"

if you are not met with "of course we do" then that isn't the right solicitor for you

you tried your best to keep your family together

well, now your dc's are grown and you will not spend another 25 years being disrespected by this emotionally-corrupt man who thinks nothing of shafting you financially

strike quickly, while he is in OW lust-fog

the stupid fucker won't know what's hit him

Dont forget to take financial information, bank statements, mortgage documents, proof of his pensions, salary, bank accounts, other investments, along with proof of his adultery if you have it. Good luck.

I am crying now. I really feel I have wasted the best years of my life. I was educated, had a great job, attractive and outgoing. Over the last 10 years he has destroyed my self esteem and walked all over me. How could I have allowed it to happen? And this will destroy my mum

You didn't allow it to happen - he did it all by himself. Your mum will be upset because you are upset - she wants you to be happy, just as you want for your sons. You are not responsible for any of this.

You will get through this, you will regain your self esteem (it will be difficult not to when you lose 13stone of shit) and you will come out a happier person.

And one that still deserves the respect of your children.

Have a good cry, love, get it all out. and [hugs]

You are still educated, you are a great mum, you are still attractive, you can be outgoing again.

He hasn't taken those things away forever, you can find them again.

You tried to make your family work, there is no shame in that. You have provided a stable environment for your dc's in the face of extreme provocation and outright wrong-doing by him.

Now your dc's have grown, this is the perfect time to let it all go, and make a new life for yourself

You can do it, but you will have to let some of this self-blame go. A cliche, yes, but I do recommend you see your GP and ask for help in the way of talking therapy such as counselling for your own self. This should be your gift to yourself.

You can't do all this in just a few days or weeks though. You have a lot to work through. In the morning, prioritise ringing round solicitors and get the ball rolling. Simply handing some of the responsibility over to an outside party can help.The ring your mum. You can support each other. If you think she won't be a great support to you, then leave it a few days until this starts to sink in a bit more.

One step at a time.

Agree with the advice you've had on here already. Use your anger and get what you deserve out of this. It might not feel like it to you but you sound like you're dealing with this pretty well. It gets better too and you'll be surprised how much you enjoy life again once you're through (admittedly a lot of shit first) the other side. Your life isn't wasted and you are still young. Good luck.

Thank you everyone, I am off to bed now although I don't know if i'll sleep . . . Work tomorrow so won't be posting during the day. What is the point of divorcing after all this time? OK in the past few years it wasn't hot sex every night but we used to have such a laugh. Oh, and honestly, if he doesn't stop the boozing he probably won't live too long so he had better enjoy the OW while he can. (Wonders if she's a mumsnetter? If so, you're welcome to him!)

Try to sleep as best as you can.

You would stay married to someone like this ? really ?

Why ?

I say divorce and find a better man....this one is defective.

Or perhaps he's worth more dead ? In which case, you might have a point Let him drink and shag his way to an early grave. It's all he is fit for.

He's behaved like an utter arse, get a brilliant solicitor and bleed him dry.
Good luck!

AF no way would I stay married to someone like this! He has had his chances. I always said I wouldn't forgive infidelity but i did, twice. He never really said sorry - just that 'he must have gone mad'. And while it may be a long way off a very good looking man at work asked me out a few months ago (I don't wear a wedding ring). Told him I was flattered but I was married. He said that was a shame. I will not let this fuckwit destroy me. I am awesome, he is a waste of space.

Good girl. I thought for a moment then you weere going to stay hitched to this dying star.

There will be more men. And they won't be arseholes.

AF, no, just pondering why we got through the 'hard' part of working and bringing up young children only for it all to fall apart so far down the line. I have just had a text - 'miss you'. Have responded 'like a hole in the head . . '

i don't think it is that uncommon for marriages to break up when the dc are grown

in fact, i am sure that i read somewhere, this age group have the highest-rising divorce rate

and who could be surprised at that ?

women are conditioned to nurture their dc's and all power to them

but once they are grown, and they look at the man they have stayed with thus-far, they simply decide "no more"

Tell him that there is no way that you will give up your family home! Be very firm about this and tell the solicitor that you were pressured into agreeing raising another £50K on your home without any independent legal advice. Good luck, ofat, and very best wishes! Know that you must be feeling awful and dreadfully hurt!

My advice would be to turn your phone off, and do not respond to any attempts at communication

Don't even tell him you are consulting a solicitor

Play you cards close to your chest, do not give him any tip offs....just like he has always done

for once love, be one step ahead...you will find it most satisfying

no communication...none

AF agreed, but what about the boys? Older one wants to kill him (and he is big and strong and could . . . ) Younger one away at Uni - how do I tell him? He loves us both.