I have wasted 25 years of my life . . .

[oldfatandtired]

This might be a long one . . . Our marriage has not been good for a while. Never see each other, his long hours mean an early start and late home. When he is home he drinks too much. He has had, to my knowledge, 2 affairs. BUT we had 2 lovely boys and I wanted them to have a happy upbringing.

He has been saying for the last few months, why don't I go and find a nice man who would love me. Well, cos I'm married to you, maybe? Last w/e he informed me he was going to stay in London during the week. He did. He was meant to be home this w/e, he didn't come. To cut a long story short, I went on at him on the phone tonight until he admitted he had someone else . . . I knew . She is apparently a workmate, married with kids approx the same age as ours. She is going to leave her husband to be with him.

Enough is enough! I am going to arrange a meeting with a solicitor ASAP to sort out a divorce. I hate him and what he is doing to my lovely family. He earns 4x my salary, has always earned well but just spends on himself. After the 2nd affair (in another country) he said he would stay with me if he could buy something (Not saying what as it might 'out' me and he put another 50k on our mortgage). Yes, I signed it, I didn't want to but I still loved him. We also had to remortgage in 201O. Every other day parcels arrived for him, I never knew what was in them. He earns >90k a year, I earn 26k. I spend little on myself, all I ever wanted was for the boys (21 and 18) to have what they need.

Apparently I am old (50, same as him), fat (size 10-12) and tired. Yeah, I'll give you the last one!

He tells me "you're not having the fucking house!". I beg to differ. He has also paid into pensions for the last 24 years, final salary ones until 3 years ago. I only started paying into a pension 5 years ago - when I was working freelance "you don't need a pension, we'll have mine".

When we married we earned the same. I have always worked, just around the children, so that he could advance his career and now I am to be thrown away. . .

My older son is devasted. He worshipped his dad. What this will do to my younger son I dread to think . . .

Someone tell me I'll be OK? I love my house, it's not fancy, it's my family home. What do I have to tell my solicitor? And how could I ever have loved a dysfunctional, selfish, alcoholic shagger?

I don't really have any friends to talk to about this, so thank you for letting me let it out.

Lyssa and others - thank you all so much for all the fabulous advice. I have no intention of waiting. I only have "evidence" of adultery in as much as he told me he is having an affair with a senior colleague of his own age. I don't know if this is true or not - he's always preferred them younger (so he can dazzle them with his sparkling wit and good looks . . .) If solicitor thinks this is not advisable then I have umpteen instances of unreasonable behaviour - financial, emotional, workaholic, going away for weekends without telling me or boys where he is going and when he is coming back . . . you get the picture. And if he gets in first (which he won't) then he can only petition me on unreasonable behaviour. (I truly can't think of any instances but there is no way I would defend it).

And again - THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

(I think I may be posting here for quite some while)

Anytime anyone says, I have wasted so many years of my life, I'm inclined to say "have you?".

All our experiences, good or bad make us the people we are. Life is not always perfect and there will always be bad times as well as good. If you can honestly say that in the last 25 years you have no happy memories or nothing in your relationship that you valued at least at some point then, maybe you have wasted some of those years, but I rather suspect that is not the case. Your children being the biggest thing to look at in that respect.

And even if you have had a shit time you have still not necessarily wasted those years, if you use this awful experience to step forward in a positive way and to learn from it and grow as a person. You make a decision whether to dwell on the past or look forward, which sometimes includes making the most of a bad situation at least at first, to a future that wasn't one you just didn't expect or plan for. It doesn't mean it is doomed to be a bad future. Just different. Perhaps this is an opportunity that opens the door to new experiences, challenges and adventures you hadn't thought of and would never have considered if your life had taken another course and in the process developed into a difference person.

You are 50. Not dead. And with the age your sons are you suddenly have a certain amount more freedom than if you were still with you husband or if they were younger. Grab it with both hands, see it for what it is and make the most of it! Prove to your husband (but far more importantly prove to yourself) that you are far from tired, old and fat by getting on with your life. Maybe it is time to do things that aren't in your normal routine or comfort zone. Maybe its time to look in the mirror and see yourself in a new light.

Life is only wasted, if you don't learn from it or you don't make the decision to move on from a bad situation.

Hi OFT - I 'did' almost 25 yrs and children similar age. We were divorced almost 6 months to the day from when he said he wanted one. I have to be honest and say that after the initial shock I was more relieved than upset, and then guilty that it would be hard on the dcs. Two of them are not currently in contact with exH, the other is.

My one bit of advice is that it really really doesn't matter who divorces who and on what grounds, it's just a hoop you have to get through to gain your freedom. I knew mine would be easier to deal with re.money etc if I let him divorce me on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour - I never even read the petition it went to my solicitor and still sits unopened in a file on my PC (all you have to do is sign to say you've received it). I don't care what he said, I did enjoy the shock expressed when family and friends found out though :-) no-one who knew us believed I was the unreasonable one :)

It did mean we could proceed quickly though. If you go for a clean break then you can trade off the house against his pensions and future earnings - remember you also own 1/2 of whatever he bought with the £50k! After that length of marriage 50:50 is the norm - but the son at Uni will also come into the equation.

I would worry for you that if you get involved in a huge battle it will eat into the assets that appear to have already dwindled. Solicitors are not cheap. I came across a couple who spent £150k on solicitors and they were not multimillionaires, just very pissed off with each other. Be strategic - what do you want to get out of this? don't let your anger get in the way of obtaining the best outcome for you and the boys - and for the boys it may be that they need you to end up at least civil to each other. In some ways it's harder for older kids because it causes them to question everything they thought they knew about their childhood - were we ever really a happy family or was it all a lie?

good luck!

What a stupid selfish man! So sorry.

But you haven't wasted 25 years. You have said your have happy memories of the home you shared so it can't all have been wasted, and most importantly you have 2 boys. No-one can know for sure what will happen in any marriage - we all just hope and keep our fingers crossed!

All the best. Stay strong x

Right last message before I get back to work. Cat I have no intention of getting into a huge battle. He just seems to think he can discard me without a backward glance, have the house sold from under me, keep his pensions, keep 100% of the "thing" (some of you know what this is from PMs),keep all his future earnings to himself and I am reassured that this is not going to happen. Maybe when he finds his own solicitor he will get a reality check.

And if his OW is real, then apparently she is very "senior" in position and they want to marry as soon as both are free - well, he had better play fair with poor downtrodden wifie then.

I have no idea of what your pain is like. I'm so sorry.

But as others have said - you havent wasted your life - you have your boys. You still have your education. You are size 10-12 - I've never been that in my life - you are SLIM!
You have your DIGNITY - you are not a serial shagger and you took your vows seriously.
You are now FREE. Yes you have a battle on your hands to get what youre entitled to, but you are FREE. You are NOT OLD!

My DSM (step-mum) lost my dad two years ago now after a long illness. I know its in no way the same situation but I just want to try and reassure you there is life afterwards. She is much older than you at 68, but she is still beautiful, slim and active and has a new boyfriend. (from whom she takes no sh*t LOL) She loved my dad and pretty much singlehandedly nursed him for the last five years of his life - utterly devoted - but she's always been a doer - and in spite of her pain (perhaps because of it) she has raised her game. She is happy again. And so can you be.
Just keep telling yourself you are FREE (sorry for all the shouting!)

That is a lovely post lynniep. Very inspiring.

Sorry should have also said all the other posts are great too. Because they are

Follow all this advice OP and you wont go far wrong. Some of it is hard to follow sometimes like the no contact but it really is the right thing to do if you can possibly manage it.

Oh you poor love! You WILL be OK, the solicitor will tell you this, you are in stronger position than you thought.

I'm in North Hampshire, not really experienced in affair survival (only a daughter of cheating dad) but I'm a good shoulder/ear...

Thinking of you

Alright, who knows of a SHL in Hampshire???? PM ofat soonest...

Hmmm. They are deeply in love, going to marry as soon as they are free, but he sent you a text saying 'miss you'.

Now do you see why this state is called 'head up his arse'? He is in la la land. Along with his ideas that you will go away without any cost...

But he doesn't want you to go away! He wants you and he wants her! La laaaa.... la la la laaaaaaaa la la....

Stay calm ofat, do not talk to him in any way shape or form, leave him with himself and OW's pressure, time and reality will do the rest.

I agree with anyfucker. Get yourself a solicitor and get yourself some counselling and start talking your way through this. It's not your fault that he has chipped away at your confidence, it's what people like your husband do unfortunately :( but talking it through with a professional will give you back some confidence and will give you coping mechanisms for dealing with him. You haven't wasted your life either, you sound like a very unselfish woman who has raised her sons with unconditional love, that's amazing you know, that isn't nothing. You are 50 years old too, a spring chicken, life isn't over yet

Also OP. if you have time,advance search DrFayWray and read the year long story of her 'wasted' 25 years.It's a wonderfull though occasionally harrowingly sad account of how she got back on her feet mentaly and financially after a similar marriage break up.It really is uplifting,and the advice from MS'netters is incredibly good.Well worth a look.Best wishes. Mx.

Back from work. Busy day so I hope I will sleep tonight. Off to catch up with all your great advice. Oh, and had a lovely text which started "why don't you fuck yourself?" Erudite, my H, erudite.

Might call mum tonight - that will be a sobfest (although she never liked him . . )

Why would you fuck yourself when he is quite happy to do it for you ?

No more, though

What a stupid twat

You're not behaving as he would like, op. (I refuse to use your name!) so of course he is going to get angry. Do not engage. He has lost so much and I suspect he is starting to grasp that he's dealing with someone far stronger than he imagined.

Do everything AF said and give him some of the soft furnishings, sew prawns into the hems.

IDon'tGetMadIGetEVERYTHINGTiggaxx

Hi OFT,
sorry to hear your tale, I was also 25 years (although much younger DC).
All I can say is, it will get better. The feeling of watching the world go by from behind a pane of glass, looking at families on days out & thinking we used to be like that. I am 8 months on now, starting to think life isnt so bad on my own. Being married is definitely a compromise & you can & will make new friends & start to build a new life for yourself.
My OW was a so called friend, which was a double whammy. All I can say though is that you MUST now harden up, put yourself first & do NOT look on him as someone who gives a toss anymore, it is every man (or woman) for themselves...as somebody said on another thread, even the most reasonable husband becomes unreasonable when it comes to money. This is the rest of your life that you are fighting for... and fight you must!

Oh, a bit down now. Phoned an old friend who i thought might have a shithot lawyer - but apparently she was "OK". friend was not married though, was in a relationship much the same length as ours . Although H is friends with her DP and strangely he thinks he was shafted. . . Why can 't i win lottery and get DS to stash it away for a while?

There are other solicitors

Sorry you are feeling down tonight. Such a rollercoaster you must feel you are on.

Feelig dreadful. Slept well for 2 hours then awake. Seriously, what can I eat? I am fading away.

Morning ofat, baby steps will get you through.

I understand that you don't want to eat, how about a nice milky (full fat) latte or lucozade? Something with calories like that would help.

Hi Old, could you eat a banana? These always seem to be palatable. What about a nice high calorie milkshake? Just think of it as keeping your strength up so you can take him for everything xx

Go visit a few solicitors find the right one for you they shouldn't charge for the initial chat and it stops him being able to go to them. In general the solicitors are out for themseves anyway encourage you to do things and then say I don't know if we're gonna win that point. Think about what you want your wounded at the moment and can't see the wood from the trees. Unfortunately just because you've done the right thing doesn't mean you get any better treatment in life.

OP your story is very similar to that of a friend of mine who was "traded in" for a much younger model after 25years!
He was all set to get married to OW and thought that wifey would roll over and he would be able to keep everything. He initiated the divorce on the grounds of his wife's unreasonable behaviour!. (bearing in mind that he was shacked up with another woman and had stopped all direct debits for mortgage etc)
Anyway, of course, his new relationship fell apart when OW realised that he wasn't worth as much as she originally thought and the wife and her sons had to be provided for.
He is now living on his own (old tired and fat) loooking years older than his wife who started a new career in her late forties, and who looks at leat ten years younger than she actually is!

You will get there I promise you, as painful as it is now, it will get better x

As to eating, my friend made herself drink slimfast with every snack she had (it has all the nutients you need in the short term) but please look after yourself, for this wonderful life that you have ahead!