I have wasted 25 years of my life . . .

[oldfatandtired]

This might be a long one . . . Our marriage has not been good for a while. Never see each other, his long hours mean an early start and late home. When he is home he drinks too much. He has had, to my knowledge, 2 affairs. BUT we had 2 lovely boys and I wanted them to have a happy upbringing.

He has been saying for the last few months, why don't I go and find a nice man who would love me. Well, cos I'm married to you, maybe? Last w/e he informed me he was going to stay in London during the week. He did. He was meant to be home this w/e, he didn't come. To cut a long story short, I went on at him on the phone tonight until he admitted he had someone else . . . I knew . She is apparently a workmate, married with kids approx the same age as ours. She is going to leave her husband to be with him.

Enough is enough! I am going to arrange a meeting with a solicitor ASAP to sort out a divorce. I hate him and what he is doing to my lovely family. He earns 4x my salary, has always earned well but just spends on himself. After the 2nd affair (in another country) he said he would stay with me if he could buy something (Not saying what as it might 'out' me and he put another 50k on our mortgage). Yes, I signed it, I didn't want to but I still loved him. We also had to remortgage in 201O. Every other day parcels arrived for him, I never knew what was in them. He earns >90k a year, I earn 26k. I spend little on myself, all I ever wanted was for the boys (21 and 18) to have what they need.

Apparently I am old (50, same as him), fat (size 10-12) and tired. Yeah, I'll give you the last one!

He tells me "you're not having the fucking house!". I beg to differ. He has also paid into pensions for the last 24 years, final salary ones until 3 years ago. I only started paying into a pension 5 years ago - when I was working freelance "you don't need a pension, we'll have mine".

When we married we earned the same. I have always worked, just around the children, so that he could advance his career and now I am to be thrown away. . .

My older son is devasted. He worshipped his dad. What this will do to my younger son I dread to think . . .

Someone tell me I'll be OK? I love my house, it's not fancy, it's my family home. What do I have to tell my solicitor? And how could I ever have loved a dysfunctional, selfish, alcoholic shagger?

I don't really have any friends to talk to about this, so thank you for letting me let it out.

Well I have just called in to work claiming D & V - just need a sofa day and will try to nap in the afternoon. Will have to tell my boss soon, he's lovely and will be supportive.

Went through his credit card statements last night. He has spent hundreds in LK Bennett, there have been weekends away in hotels and strangely, Mamas and Papas! So is she the same age as me or much younger! NOT his child if there is one - he has had a vasectomy.

Am furious about the LK Bennett - I love their clothes but would never spend that much on myself!

Can I say BASTARD for you OP

My scumbag stbx was very very clever at covering his tracks so I have the joys of seeing his bank statements/credit cards fairly soon when the financial statement is produced. I asked my Solicitor if I HAD to look at them and she said yes but in a very kind way so I will have to steal myself.

My stbx has no fucking imagination so imagine all the shopping will be from shops I use/like. He took OW to the one place we went to for a romantic couples holiday in our entire marriage at Christmas. Of all the places is all the world.......... Entirely convinced that he will have used restaurants and hotels we have visited or even places I have expressed an interest in going to.

Ah well, OP we just have to fleece 'em!

ps dont ever give his the satisfaction of mentioning LK Bennett or anything else.

Someone else told me where my stbx had been for his holidays. I bumped into him by accident and you could see he looked sheepish thinking that he was all tanned. I didnt say a word. I will just save the knowledge for the courts! Have been told he is entirely likely to have hid the holiday cost somehow so it will be fun if he has asking how he paid for it.

Spring
My H has no imagination either. In his first "dalliance/affair/ opportunity shag/call it what you will" I discovered he bought her an identical piece of jewellery that he had bought me 6 weeks previously. (not greatly expensive but something I had coveted for a long time). He also gave her the same perfume I wear (it's quite an unusual one). Pathetic!

That IS bad - the perfume thing especially!

I am sure someone will come along later and explain the psychology of this to us.

I can sooooooooooo relate to your post. I left an emotionally/financially abusive marriage after 23 years. In my ex-s case it was money he was unfaithful with - he ran up £250,000 of debts in our joint names without telling me/abused his position as family solicitor to get my Dad to change my late Mum's will so he could get his hands on my inheritance, and re-mortgaged our house twice without my knowledge. There is much more but these were the worst things. For years after I left it was just a case of fire-fighting and getting over the rage. But yes there IS hope and you WILL be OK. I'm 51 and for the first time in my life I'm content. I can do what I want, when I want and OK I now live in a basic council flat and am not in a great position financially. BUT I've come to realise that I don't need a lovely house to be happy - I think it was just compensation for being so unhappily married to such a t-t. You need a solicitor who is up to dealing with your husband. not one of the 'lets all be nice and mediate' types. Someone who is tough as an old boot and who will not put up with any sh- and really fight your corner. Tell them exactly what you have contributed and what you want. The courts tend to go for fairness and yours has been a long marriage so they should make sure you get a fair deal. It's so hard to keep going when you can't even see the tunnel, never mind the light at the end of it but hang on in there. The boys will hopefully be old enough to understand what and why this has happened and get through it. Size 10/12 and 50! Ha! you are not old and you are not fat. And when you are in charge of your own life and decisions you wont be tired either! Hugs.

Sorry, I didn't say that I lost my house, am living in a council flat and am not financially well off because my ex had squandered every asset we had and NOT because of my solicitors actions or any unfairness on the part of the courts etc. The courts awarded me ALL my ex's personal pensions because that was the only asset that hadn't been wrecked and because all the money from the house sale had to go back to the building society and there wasn't any cash left from that. So please don't worry that you'll end up like I have. All your joint assets should be divided up in a fair and appropriate way taking into account all the things you have contributed to the marriage - care of the children, the fact that your career had to come second etc. I realise what I wrote first might sound unduly alarming. Had we had any assets to split I feel my solicitor and the court would have come up with an appropriate and fair division.

tuna thank you. I was terrified about the road ahead at the beginning of the week but am feeling more positive now. I do agree I need a rotweiler of a solicitor and not a "nice" one as I am not prepared to let him have the upper hand now. He genuinely seems to think he can walk out, have the house sold and keep his pensions despite a 22 year marriage!

(I think I may change my name to oldskinnyandtired - I have lost a stone in two weeks. Must try to eat).

He earns £96k and you £26k. There are (I think) only adult children so no children to support.

1. You will be entitled to 50% of his pensions under what is called a pension sharing order - they are spilt now and ear marked for you OR you could negotiate for more of a share of your joint assets.

1. Add up both of yours and his debts and assets including equity in the house. The starting point is half of that each. YOu may be able by giving up the pension claim and perhaps by taking out a mortgage on your salary be able to buy him out of any share he has in the house so it becaomse 100% yours but you really need a lawyer to sit down with you and work it out. If you earn less because you didn't work full time and looked after the children it is possible you may be entitled to more than 50% of the assets, equity in the house, savings etc. My ex husband got 60% of our joint assets as he also wanted maintenance and he earns less and I bought that out. We had what is called a clean break (no on going maintenance)

1. You want to stop him spending too much or puttnig debts on to joint credit cards as that means there is less to divide between you. Check what accounts you both have. If you're sure you can start by sending his lawyer a draft divorce petition and try to agree with him all the terms as it would be silly to give the lawyers mosto f the equity in the house if you and he can hammer out a fair division based on the principles set out above. You probably do earn enough to live on without needing additional, maintenance from him as there are no children so I would go for a clean break perhaps with you getting something like 70% of your joint assets (?) or may be 50%. You need to work out if as a couple you can afford that you stay in the hosue and he can be bought out of it or his savings can go to him and you keep the house or whatever.

He will get a shock then when he finds out he can't just walk out after 22 years and get what he wants by way of a settlement. There are far more things that will be taken into account then he probably realises and the pensions will be shared 50-50 even if you have contributed for 5 years and him for longer I should think. Where you are now I think is the hardest part - when all the cards have been chucked into the air and you have to try work out how they are going to land. I can totally remember how alone and lost and scared I was at that stage and would never have thought it possible that one day I'd end up feeling stronger, confident in my ability to make a new and better life for myself and actually proud of myself. It was a friend who had just come out the other end of an affair-induced divorce who said WOULD get through this and she was right. I held on to what she said and she was right. You WILL get through it. Be kind to yourself. Get as ruthless a solicitor as you can muster and remember there are people on here willing you on.

you'll be alright once hes gone, and be ready to forgive and forget ( forgive yourself for being so silly and forget he even existed ). you will be ok. because you always knew better than him, you were the loyal one not him. your sons will support you. hope all works out.