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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have wasted 25 years of my life . . .

86 replies

oldfatandtired · 19/02/2012 23:15

This might be a long one . . . Our marriage has not been good for a while. Never see each other, his long hours mean an early start and late home. When he is home he drinks too much. He has had, to my knowledge, 2 affairs. BUT we had 2 lovely boys and I wanted them to have a happy upbringing.

He has been saying for the last few months, why don't I go and find a nice man who would love me. Well, cos I'm married to you, maybe? Last w/e he informed me he was going to stay in London during the week. He did. He was meant to be home this w/e, he didn't come. To cut a long story short, I went on at him on the phone tonight until he admitted he had someone else . . . I knew Sad. She is apparently a workmate, married with kids approx the same age as ours. She is going to leave her husband to be with him.

Enough is enough! I am going to arrange a meeting with a solicitor ASAP to sort out a divorce. I hate him and what he is doing to my lovely family. He earns 4x my salary, has always earned well but just spends on himself. After the 2nd affair (in another country) he said he would stay with me if he could buy something (Not saying what as it might 'out' me and he put another 50k on our mortgage). Yes, I signed it, I didn't want to but I still loved him. We also had to remortgage in 201O. Every other day parcels arrived for him, I never knew what was in them. He earns >90k a year, I earn 26k. I spend little on myself, all I ever wanted was for the boys (21 and 18) to have what they need.

Apparently I am old (50, same as him), fat (size 10-12) and tired. Yeah, I'll give you the last one!

He tells me "you're not having the fucking house!". I beg to differ. He has also paid into pensions for the last 24 years, final salary ones until 3 years ago. I only started paying into a pension 5 years ago - when I was working freelance "you don't need a pension, we'll have mine".

When we married we earned the same. I have always worked, just around the children, so that he could advance his career and now I am to be thrown away. . .

My older son is devasted. He worshipped his dad. What this will do to my younger son I dread to think . . .

Someone tell me I'll be OK? I love my house, it's not fancy, it's my family home. What do I have to tell my solicitor? And how could I ever have loved a dysfunctional, selfish, alcoholic shagger?

I don't really have any friends to talk to about this, so thank you for letting me let it out.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 00:54

Tell your boys the bare bones

You are separating, because their father cannot respect you and he treats you badly...will it be a surprise to them ? I doubt it.

Don't discuss any arrangements with them yet. What they don't know protects them from their divided loyalties, which are perfectly natural

AnyFucker · 20/02/2012 01:00

I really must go to bed now

Let us know you are getting on, OP x

Original poster
oldfatandtired · 20/02/2012 01:01

I am sure he will tell them that i treat him badly. Apparently I told him I had never loved him. I don 't remember this but if I did I'm sure it was after he demanded we remortgage so he could keep the thing he bought. (Sorry for secrecy but this will 'out' me). Well unless OW puts her hand in her pocket the 'thing' will have to be sold to keep me in my home!

OP posts:
tropamo · 20/02/2012 01:25

My XP asked me to sign away my rights when he was re-mortgaging a few years ago. Didn't quite understand why but trusted him so did what he asked, only to find out some years later that he had started a business with the OW!

You will find lots of advice on MN about dealing with kids when breaking up! Best wishes!

Original poster
oldfatandtired · 20/02/2012 02:12

Oh God I can't sleep. I am lying here shaking like a leaf. Please don't let me lose the home I brought my children up in . . .

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 20/02/2012 02:15

Be cold, strong and calm, op. And very clear about what you want when you speak to your solicitor. You will fight to keep the house. All power to you.

MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 20/02/2012 02:53

I'm here for another half an hour if you need to chat ofat. (not calling you oldfat - i'm sure you aren't!)

What is it about the house that you love so much?

Blx2thelotofem · 20/02/2012 03:14

You're only 50 FFS! You have a whole new life ahead of you. File for divorce, buy some new clothes, take a holiday with the boys... And start to plan the next exciting chapter in your life.

Original poster
oldfatandtired · 20/02/2012 03:52

Mrs I am sure you have gone to bed - the house is nothing special. Just a 70s detached in a nice part of Hampshire. But it's full of happy memories, DS2 was born here, it was full of love. (oh, I may be old but I'm certainly not fat- I can see myself shrinking . . . Any advice on how to keep weight on? Now there's a sentence I never thought I'd type!)

OP posts:
justme13 · 20/02/2012 03:52

Hey I was the same my husband left me for another after boxing day my kids are younger than yours though twenty years we were together you need to put yourself first just like he has all these years and find the old you contact old friends and make new ones I'm finding it's great not having to ask someone else for their opinion I don't what I want now he can't control me anymore make a list of things you want to do but never have my fist thing was a tattoo cause he didn't like them so hold her head high there's much fun to be had now he's not holding backSmile

Original poster
oldfatandtired · 20/02/2012 05:13

A sleepless night. Tell me it will get better . . .

OP posts:
springaroundthecorner · 20/02/2012 05:27

It WILL get better. Smile I will post more in a minute but wanted you to know someone is here.

MarjorieAntrobus · 20/02/2012 05:35

Me too, as in somebody else is also here!

I'm certain it will get better. How happy has family life been for the last few years anyway?

25 years weren't wasted. Look at your sons.

Original poster
oldfatandtired · 20/02/2012 05:39

He has destroyed our future and our security. How dare he. And if the OW does move in with him she is destroying her family too. If he were here now I swear I would kill him.

OP posts:
MarjorieAntrobus · 20/02/2012 05:47

I hear you. Your anger is valid. I see that. Your future is suddenly being rewritten, and it was not expected. Makes you re-examine the past. I would do the same. How very very shitty for you. Horrible. And what a knob he is.

springaroundthecorner · 20/02/2012 05:49

OP, I went through all this last year. I am a similar age to you and have similar age kids and I too was very worried about how my parents (who are very elderly and infirm) would take it as well obviously my children, one of whom is still at school. My lot are all doing pretty well now.

I still have sleepless nights, hence I'm on here now, but I am SO much better now without the lying cheating scumbag in my every day life. I wont say in my life because he is still ever present until the bloody financial settlement is sorted but by god one day a intend to be truely free of him. My sleeplessness comes from this so you may well get over this sleep part quicker than me.

There is so much I could write but will address the title of your thread for now. You have not wasted 25 years of your life even though it might feel like it now. You have two wonderful children for a start. The way I have ended up looking at the past is that the happy parts were with a man who does not exist any longer and he has been replaced by someone I know longer know, understand or care about.

It is his loss not yours, always remember that.

If you want to PM me with any specific questions then do. Do not worry about the house and finances - you are in a very good position being married for so long etc.

Original poster
oldfatandtired · 20/02/2012 06:19

Spring - your 3rd paragraph explains it beautifully. I've sent you a pm - please excuse its self-induldenge (sp?) - I just needed a rant!

OP posts:
MrsDistinctlyMintyMonetarism · 20/02/2012 07:02

Hey there OP - I'm in Australia so available for weird middle of the night type rants - just had to pick the children up from school and go to netball club.

I think, long term, the only way to look at it is that you have a new future. The chance to do all those things he didn't like or want to do - I suspect there is quite a list. You get to be selfish for once.

Go for his jugular, get all you need and deserve and look forward to a brighter future without the wankspanner in the way. (which sounds really glib, like it will be easy, and it won't. But it will come to an end and every day that you live through it brings freedom a day closer. The freedom to refind that attractive confident you.)

Abitwobblynow · 20/02/2012 07:29

Please say what county you are in, and please can someone recommend a S H lawyer in that vicinity! The meanest, most efficient lawyer there is.

This (well done Lizzie) and the others chiming in is the best advice you will get:

"put yourself first re: the house and the money. Stop thinking of him as your friend. Do not let the good memories put you in a position where you will allow him to do you over financially. My husband earned far more than me and seemed to think that the fact I'd taken time out to raise our kids was some sort of holiday break. Please get some decent legal advice."
He is going to have to pay for his freedom.

Also, please go into counselling to help you with your heartbreak and to examine WHY you went along with his not caring about your feelings for all those years. Trust me on this one. It is very hard, painful work but you will see how you went along with him, make excuses, covered up, protected him, at your own expense (depression, anxiety, feelings of not counting) and to see how really, he was always thoughtless and selfish and how you, actually, helped him. You will start behaving differently and seeing the world differently, and the people around you will start treating you differently. It is so worth it I promise you.

If and when he finds out that the bright green grass on the other side of the fence is actually over a septic tank (97% of these relationships fail), and that he misses his family, the 'me' work you have done described above means that YOU for the first time will have the control over the agenda, whatever that agenda is. He will find to his astonishment that you have changed. He can't push your buttons, get you het up so he can blame you for being 'hysterical' and 'emotional', because the new strong you declines to play the power games and stays with who you are, and what you want.

We know your heartbreak, it is so painful. But as Winston Churchill said:

'when you're going through hell, keep on going!'

Original poster
oldfatandtired · 20/02/2012 07:43

Wobbly -thank you. Hampshire. And now I must go to work!

OP posts:
toptramp · 20/02/2012 08:46

First off at size 10/12 you are NOT fat.
Second off at 50 you are NOT old.
And 3rd off you are far better off without this waste of space.
I know you wanted to keep your family together but hopefully your sons will learn that this is NOT the way to treat one's wife. Sorry for you op.

toptramp · 20/02/2012 08:49

But at the same time happy for you that now you are free.

sheldee123 · 20/02/2012 12:15

Firstly I'm sorry you had to go through this but as your terrifed about losing your home etc you have to firstly do two things :
Get his passport. In this country you cannot get divorced without showing it to a solicitor upon your first meeting if its gone its likely that he's consulted one. If not take it and hide it then you'll know when he asks that he's instucting a solicitor.
Secondly visit/ have a conversation with all the best solicitors in your area they then can't represent him as it's a conflict of interest even if you don't use them .

sheldee123 · 20/02/2012 12:41

Sorry on way to meeting didn't realise the time but I can finish this post now! You have to financially protect yourself and by doing this you will have a head start . Each divorce case is heard on its own merits do don't listen to his bleating which will go from you won't get anything to she took everything! Also go through with every step don't have 6 months break while he's smoozed you into talking just with you to save the solicitors fees. Which you can get him to pay cos he wants to walk. Any time delay will ultimately serve him! Listen to the ladies on here they give some great advice and should , I think be applauded .

LyssaM · 20/02/2012 12:49

you can't use adultery if you file for divorce more than six months after the discovery of the adultery. If you wait six months then you can't file for divorce on the grounds of adultery. Just a heads up.

Wishing you all the best.

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