My Alcholic mother is apparently dying. I'm more worried about what is going to happen if she doesn't.

[WhatWillBe]

I've namechanged as I'm ashamed to admit my mother is a raging alcholic who lives in a house fit for the life of grime and even though she has asthma and copd she continues to smoke 20+ a day and drink.

I haven't seen her in over a year, I've spoken to her a couple of times a week where she tells me she is working, attending AA meetings, doing her housework.

She colapsed today and is now in hospital, my cousin was called (we have no living family left apart from my cousin, me and my mum)

My cousin went to the house to gather some things and was apparently "horrified" at the state she has been living in, upstairs is completly trashed and downstairs has been ,ade into a makeshift bedroom, no food in the house and one of her cats appears to be dying.

I don't know what to do, I have relationship issues with her and one of the reasons for distancing myself is because I don't want my 2 children seeing her destroy herself with smoking and drinking.

I don't know what to do

Oh I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Do you have a partner or some one who can watch your DC so you can see her without having to take them?

Can you contact social services about her living conditions and inability to care for herself? She may be eligible for a carer or something like that to help her keep clean, get food etc.

I don't really know what to advise, but didn't want to read and run.

Oh and I have no idea what your relationship is with your mother, but if you feel you can't help her, then that is ok. You must put yourself and your DC first.

Its not about being selfish, its about self preservation.

Tbh I think now is the time to step in and help your cousin
It is an illness and it's sad she has been living in that state for so long

My thread title makes me sound sooo harsh, I have had years of her drinking and problems with her health due to smoking.
I had to distance myself because the children are getting older, she does nothing but lie to me.

My cousin found letters at the house and she is going to loose it.

I'm coming across as heartless but I'm not, I've just had soo many years of this and now it is all coming to ahead.

The doctor has told her if she doesn't stop smoking and drinking then she doesn't have very long to live.

Well do what you want to do. Would you feel sad if she died and you hadn't made your peace?

My mother is an alcoholic chain smoker (well she was till she got throat cancer from the smoking and drinking). Over 20 years ago they told me she had 6 months to live but miraculously she is still here.

I have made my peace with her. I see her in short bouts, never for longer than a couple of hours and only when I can manage it. But for years we had no relationship at all. Tbh I have always been the adult in our relationship as she was an alcoholic when I was a child.

Do it on your terms. Try not to be frightened. I was very frightened at first.

I can hear the distress in your words.

Personally? I would not go to see her. Unless it is to go to her to say, "if you don't enter treatment of some kind, today, you will never see me again." And promise yourself not to be drawn into the lies/manipulation after you say that.

You can't help her. She doesn't want help. If she wanted help, she would have it by now. But she is choosing this way to live. She's choosing to be ill, and to die from her illness. That's not your fault or your responsibility.

I'm so sorry for everything you and your family have suffered.

WhatWillBe, I can identify 100% with everything you have written, my own mother was exactly like this and died last year of alcohol related illnesses.
The most important thing for you is to be at peace with yourself if she does die, otherwise you will spend your life thinking "what if?" which is no good for you or your family.
I had zero relationship with my mother for the last 10 years of her life, but when she was in her last days, in hospital I did visit her and tried to make things as right with her as I could. I know there is nothing I could have done to stop her drinking, but I spent a lot of my life thinking if she had really loved me she would have made more of an effort to help herself.
You do not sound harsh or heartless to anyone who has experienced this, I completely understand you feelings and as a previous poster said, it is very much about self preservation.
However, you need to do a bit of soul searching and just make sure that whatever choices you make, you will not have any regrets if/when she does die.

She sounds a bit like my mum (I have a thread going about her in relationships now). I can't give you any advice because I'm in a similar position and it's tearing me up inside. Everytime my mum is near death part of me doesn't want her o die because she's my mum but the other part is waiting for the relief of knowing it's all finally over.

But I do agree that you need to put your children first whatever you decide x

Assuming she survives (and drinkers can be remarkably hardy)...

From a practical POV, get her into sheltered housing and get a cleaner in to muck her out weekly. You can use the cleaner to report back any issues. Take charge of her money and use it to pay for the cleaner and the bills so she won't get disconnected. Once this is all in place, you can sit back and relax and visit her, should you want to, in a nice, warm, clean(er) atmosphere. I've got some experience here so feel free to PM me if you want to chat about the practical side.

PS, social services will, to be frank, be a chocolate teapot. They are rushed off their feet and rarely manage to cope. Sorry and no disrespect to them.

Sounds just like my dad - although I have lost count of the number of times he's been at death's door now.

He does now live in sheltered housing but I have no involvement other than an occasional visit.

Sadly, I have no advice for you but just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Bloody alcohol addiction destroys families.

Was in this position last year with my elder brother, rushed to hospital, almost died through alcholism, he isn't even 40 yet. His house was also in a disgusting state.

He was in hospital for 4 days before they actually said he would live

WE got social services & the community alcohol team involved, we also managed to get him a place in a residential centre to help stop drinking but the harshest thing to deal with was that even though he told us he wanted to stop drinking he was actually telling the social workers, doctors etc that he didn't want to stop.

As he is an adult they have to take his word and will only help / intervene if he states he wants help.

He has been told he will not be here in one years time if he does not stop drinking - he hasn't stopped.

Sorry NatashaBee - yes they can just dump them back into their homes and frequently do.

Whatwillbe - I found the Community Alcohol Team to be the best for advice, they will also do home visits and should be seeing your mum in hospital.

Exactly like my mum who died 12 years ago, you are only responsible for what you want to be. You don't need to fix her or clean her house or see her with your kids, given my time again I would do what I did before. Very little contact, but visited when she was ill or in hospital. In the end I had no day to day relationship with her and I don't regret that but I also felt a lot of the anger, bitterness and resentment disappear when I saw her for the last time .

Thank you for all the kind replies, so sad to read so many other people living with the same situation.

I can tell my cousin is getting fed up of being the one to deal with it all again, I did manage to get my mother sectioned last Easter as she was hallucinating (sp) and causing problems to her neighbours. I thought she was doing ok now but it was all lies again

I doubt you will be able to force her to stop, or to have treatment, or to move to somewhere you prefer, or to let you look after her money.

Regretfully I think you are going to have to do what you can, which won't be much, and try not to get more distressed than you can help. Infrequent short visits. Leave before, or as soon as, she starts to shout at you or blame you.

What do I want to do? I don't think there is anything more I can do that I haven't already done.

I've cleaned her house, arranged doctor apps, had her sectioned for her own safety, visited her in hospital and rehab.

And she still lies to me so she can drink. I do understand it's an illness and part of me doesn't want to see her so I don't have to face just how bad she is.

I can't bear to answer the phone when she calls because I know it will be a new drama "this is the last time, I won't do it again"

What's th point in talking to someone who you know won't remember any of the conversation the next day

I'm so sorry WWB. It is just soul-destroying.

I have booked 2 days holiday to be at home with the children tomorrow and Friday, Should I contact ss, speak to the hospital or her own GP about getting some help.

She is definatly going to loose the house, will she be given accomodation by the council? She has copd and a history of attempted suicide.

Thanks again for all the replies.

I don't know what the correct protocol is but I would start with the hospital as she is in their care at the moment, I should imagine that they will tell you who contact. They may not know of your mothers situation (losing her house and living in squallor) so I would think it best to contact them and ask about when/how she will be discharged, and if they have refered her to any outside services.

They can probably refer her to the community alcohol team that
ILoveOnionRings mentioned, or at least give you the contact details.

The only experience I have of involving SS is for my DGF who has dementia but I should think they may need to be involved.

Have you had any counselling? It might be worth looking into it to help you process how you want to deal with this.

Does she have a CPN or other mental health contact? You mentioned she has been sectioned previously, you could also contact them and let them know of her situation. I don't know how much they can do but they might be able to update their assessment of her, or something.

Thanks oreo I will phone the hospital tomorrow.

My Cousin is pushing me to run in and rescue her (my mum) again, clean the house and take her cat to the vets to be put down - that should have been done weeks ago.

Apart from not having any childcare I don't want to try and rescue her again.

I have no peace to make with my mum, I really can identifiy with the "I took you to stately homes thread"

X post.

When she was sectioned she was sent to a private rehab with the NHS, the first time she had a relapse I called them and they told me to go back to her doctor and start the process again.

I haven't had any time off work since christmas and was really looking forward to taking the children out and now I've got all this to do tomorrow instead

I'm dreading talking to my cousin, he will get cross because I can't won't drop everything and go running to the hospital.

You do not have to save her. You do not have to do anything, and no one will judge you. Even without any experience of your situation I can clearly see how hard it must be, and that really there is very little you can do to help her.

Talk to your cousin, and tell her that you have done this before and can't do it again. Make it clear you do not expect her to do it either.

Inform the hospital and leave it at that. Focus on your life and your children, keep in contact if you want but don't pile pressure and responsibility onto your shoulders.

And make peace with yourself. You are not doing anything bad by not putting yourself in that place again. You are looking after your own family.

I would take the cat to the vet though (you can take them to the pdsa if your mother is on benefits and you can't afford treatment or the cost to be put to sleep).

Sorry your cousins a 'him' obviously .

Take your kids out tomorrow. Focus on them x

She will never forgive me if I put her cat to sleep! It is old but apparently not in pain, eating a tiny bit and still drinking but it has lost tons of weight and sleeps loads.

I was wondering if I should pick it up and bring it to my house, I could then take it to a vets here and if the vet thinks it's the right time I could tell my mum it died?

How wrong is it that I am more concerned about the cat than my mum??

Thank you again for all your help, I really do feel a little bit better.