My Alcholic mother is apparently dying. I'm more worried about what is going to happen if she doesn't.

[WhatWillBe]

I've namechanged as I'm ashamed to admit my mother is a raging alcholic who lives in a house fit for the life of grime and even though she has asthma and copd she continues to smoke 20+ a day and drink.

I haven't seen her in over a year, I've spoken to her a couple of times a week where she tells me she is working, attending AA meetings, doing her housework.

She colapsed today and is now in hospital, my cousin was called (we have no living family left apart from my cousin, me and my mum)

My cousin went to the house to gather some things and was apparently "horrified" at the state she has been living in, upstairs is completly trashed and downstairs has been ,ade into a makeshift bedroom, no food in the house and one of her cats appears to be dying.

I don't know what to do, I have relationship issues with her and one of the reasons for distancing myself is because I don't want my 2 children seeing her destroy herself with smoking and drinking.

I don't know what to do

in an old cat, not eating much is often teeth.

I agree with Oreocrumbs. You must have had a very very hard time with her all your life. Focus now on yourself and your dcs.

The hospital will most likely refer her to social services anyway but ultimately if she can't or won't help herself then no sane person would blame you for distancing yourself.

My db is an alcoholic and I am so much happier now that I have distanced myself from him. Do what you feel is right for you and your family .

I don't think it is wrong that you feel more concerned about the cat than your mum. In fact I was going to post and say I thought the one thing you probably should do is bring some relief to the cat. I would bring it to yours and see how the poor blighter gets on.

And I agree - take your kids out tomorrow. You are doing the right thing to protect them. I'm sorry your mother can't be helped. Your cousin needs to decide for himself when enough is enough.

Whatwillbe -go out with your children. be the mother to them that you didn't have. Your mother is the only one who can make a change to her circumstances. Others can help/facilitate but only she can carry it through. It's not your role to mother her.

Please put yourself first.
(I rarely say this)

In the event that your mother recovers, in the normal course of events you may not be given any prior notice of her discharge from hospital.

After you've ascertained your mother's current condition/prognosis, I woud suggest you speak to the hospital social work department who work in liaison with individual patients' local authorities and other agencies.

Is the house your mother currently occupies privately rented or is it council owned? Is she being pursued for rent arrears?

The danger is that, should she be evicted, her local authority may conclude that she has voluntarily made herself homeless unless there is medical/socal work evidence to the contrary.

As an alcoholic your mother may qualify as a 'vulnerable adult' in respect of being given priority for council/social housing should she be forced to leave her current home, or should it be deemed unsuitable for her to remain there.

You can achieve all of the above on the phone without necessarily having any face to face meeting with your mother but I hope that either you or your cousin will take the sick cat to a vet at the earliest opportunity - if your mother is in receipt of any state benefits the Blue Cross or PDSA will diagnose and treat the cat's illness for a minimal sum.

Sometimes when you don't know what to do it's a sign that you are not ready to make the decision. So don't. You don't have to decide or do anything right now.

Give yourself time to think about what has happened and the way that this new development may or may not change how you feel. It's ok to just sit with the feelings until a way forward becomes clearer.

I thought the cat was dying - sorry I didn't mean to imply to put it down if it can have a good life! Take it home to your house and make it comfortable.

The house is mortgage owned and she is behind with re-payments, council tax and general bills.

When my cousin visited today she had 1p on her electricity card (?) and no heating.

No benefits and is apparently working, so she tells me. I do know she has employment but she has had soo much time off over the last few years I am wondering where she is with employment and the fact that she can't walk from the house to the front garden without not being able to breath

I'm pleased to see that you are resolved to bring the cat to your home. As Piglet has said, it may well be a dental problem which is common in feline old age but there are other more serious causes of long-term weight loss in cats.

I hope the cat recovers and lives out its allotted span in comfort; if you should need to rehome the other 'cats' you've mentioned I hope you'll take them to a local specialist cat charity/homing centre and avoid handing them to the RSPCA.

Very sad all round OP. I think you need to tell your cousin that you cannot step in, you have too many other responsibilities. If the hospital is told there is no family member who can help with her care, they should contact social services.

FWIW, I'm more concerned about the cat(s) than your mum as they haven't had any choice, or the options that she's had, about their living conditions.

Oh WhatWillBe you are so torn aren't you .

There is absolutley nothing you can do about her house if the mortgage company are reposessing it, or her employment. If you tell the hospital and they refer her to SS (or whoever is relevant) they will look into all of these things and point her in the direction that she needs to go.

I really feel for you, I just wish there was an answer to this that one of us could give you.

izzy I won't be contacting the RSPCA!

I will call the hospital tomorrow and talk things through with them if possible, and ask them to get the house keys on the nurse's station. I can then take the children to pick the keys up and then the cat up, they are old enough to stay in the car at the house and outside the ward for the keys.

I can then get the keys cut and returned.

Day ruined but the children will enjoy looking after a poorly cat whilst I figure out the best plan for action.

Thank you all again.

x post again oreo I'm at the end of a long road and feeling pressure from my cousin to step up to the plate.

I'm glad I posted this evening, I did hesitate incase people told me I am selfish for not helping my mother in her time of need, she has always been in need

WWW - when my brother was in hospital social services housed his dog and she was there for 2 months. Social Services are responsible for pets (dogs definatley if the owner is in hospital and too ill to look after them). Once my brother was home his dog stayed for an extra 3 weeks and then returned to him.

I found it very hard to accept that he wanted to continue drinking and it was causing huge family unrest - it is true that it rips families apart as members of the family feel they should be doing something. We found that once we all agreed how far we would help him eg somebody pops round once a day, if DB does not want to open the door he moves the curtain (really we just want to make sure he is alive) then it helped us all.

When he got admitted to hospital they told us it was only the coca cola in the vodka that had kept him alive - if we had left it another 24 hours he would have died.

None of us give him any money, if he manages to get to mums then she will cook him dinner but . He does not work now and has set money each week and it is upto him to make the choice of how to spend it - if he would rather have alcohol than heating that week then that is upto him. It is his choice to drink and we do not fund it

Maybe this sound harsh but for the last 3 months he has had more sober days than drunk days.

We have all agreed that if the day ever comes that he does ask us for help then we will all help him get what he needs.

ILove that is a lovely post and it sounds like you have a great support system, as does your brother.

I'm off to bed, I will call the hospital in the morning.

Social Services can look into your mums financial circumstances, fill in any necessary forms.

If your mums home is in the same state as my brothers was it is not the case of flicking a duster round. We had to gut his house and start again.

I would suggest that you decide how much you want to do, talk to cousin and stay consistent and firm. If your cousin is feeling on a guilt trip then let him clean your mums house.

It is not selfish to put your own family first.

In the absence of power of attorney or any other legal document stating otherwise, you are your mother's next of kin and it is you that should be talking to the medics responsible for your mum's care and to the hosptial social workers - and they are the ones that can make all the necessary enquiries and formulate a care plan if/when she is discharged.

Good luck - I hope you'll be back with an update and that the cat(s) thrive in your tlc.

Not sure if any cleaning has been done at your Mum's yet but if you are going to try and get social services involved again - don't do any for now - it's important they see the true state otherwise she won't reach criteria.

Sorry for what you are going through, it's a thankless task with an addict.

Hi OP: My siblings and I have recently had to get my Mum hospitalised twice for her alcoholism. She was in a pretty bad way. One of the first people I would speak to is the ward sister. If she's strong, she will not let your mum out until a care package has been put in place with the local authority. You can ask for a meeting with the ward sister and explain exactly what's happening at your mum's house and the state of it etc. The ward sister should then arrange for a social services co-ordinator to come into the hospital to have a meeting with your mum. Also explain to them the relationship that you have with your mum.

When my mum was released, she had one of those alarms round her neck and a keysafe fitted beside the front door in case of emergencies. She also had carers coming in twice a day.

HTH

Just a quick update, I have spoken to the ward sister and told her everything I can and she said I have solved the mystery as they were wondering why my mother was constantly shaking!!

There is no notes on her file about being an alcholic, suicide attempts or being admitted in the mental health unit and sectioned last year

How can that be right?

I've asked them to see if they can find her keys but apparently mum had a visitor who took them eith him last night, I have no idea who this person is.

Oh and I asked the ward sister if she would be able to put me in touch with their social service co-ordinator and she said she could but mum had to be willing for them to help because they can't force help on her.

So it looks like she will be discharged in a couple of days back to a house with no heating or eletric because the money is being spent on booze and then eviction in a couple of weeks.

OP: Not necessarily. I think that in this case you need to bite the bullet and speak to your mum about accepting help. If she's willing, social services will come and visit her in hospital.

You're not coming across as heartless - it is really, really difficult dealing with a parent who is like this. I do sympathise, I've been on the receiving end of the lies etc. etc.

Also, with regard to your mum's medical notes - can the hospital contact her GP or have they already done so?

Actually, OP: If the hospital had done the whole range of blood tests, they would have seen that her alcohol levels would have been high - that would have explained the shaking.....