My Alcholic mother is apparently dying. I'm more worried about what is going to happen if she doesn't.

[WhatWillBe]

I've namechanged as I'm ashamed to admit my mother is a raging alcholic who lives in a house fit for the life of grime and even though she has asthma and copd she continues to smoke 20+ a day and drink.

I haven't seen her in over a year, I've spoken to her a couple of times a week where she tells me she is working, attending AA meetings, doing her housework.

She colapsed today and is now in hospital, my cousin was called (we have no living family left apart from my cousin, me and my mum)

My cousin went to the house to gather some things and was apparently "horrified" at the state she has been living in, upstairs is completly trashed and downstairs has been ,ade into a makeshift bedroom, no food in the house and one of her cats appears to be dying.

I don't know what to do, I have relationship issues with her and one of the reasons for distancing myself is because I don't want my 2 children seeing her destroy herself with smoking and drinking.

I don't know what to do

I too find it difficult to understand why the hospital have not contacted your mother's GP for her medical records at the very least, if she was brought to them having collapsed! They will certainly let the GP know she was admitted to hospital. What do they say about her collapse - was it just a faint?

Could the male visitor have been your cousin?

It is the case that she can veto any social services involvement, but I think she has to be deemed well enough to decide for herself. Is there a date for her eviction.

I'm not sure about a date for eviction I just know she has been to court because she hasn't been paying her mortgage, council tax etc, apparently there is a balif letter listing her tv and dvd for things they are going to return to take away.

She colapsed due to a chest infection and her copd, her gp had booked a chest x-ray because she has a lump on her chest wall.

The male isn't my cousin, I have spoken to him today and he doesn't have the house keys.

I'm trying to arrange for someone to come and look after the children so I can go and visit her to find out what is going on, I assume the hospital have just treated the chest infection without knowing any history so at least they are now aware and I did tell the sister about the house and the cat.

I'm taking the children out soon, I know I should probably try and do more phonecalls but I promised them a day out and they have been so good whilst I have pretended to be working from home whilst on the phone to the hospital.

Thank you for all your support on this thread and the pm's it makes it a little easier to write t all down.

Let us know how you get on, best of luck with it all.

I'm surprised that people are suprised that the hospital didn't have records. From what I know of hospitals they take their own history when you are admitted and, if you haven't been there before, they don't have the previous history. They don't have time to go collecting GP histories and they don't contact other hospitals unless you tell them too, they might contact the GP but not guaranteed. If GP and hospital are in different area, communication takes even longer. Mental health Trusts are usually separate so there is no record sharing. This is why NHS wanted to bring in summary care records, so that, wherever you go, your history is there. As we know though, it was dreadfully managed and it ain't working.

Sorry for slight hijack - glad you shared all with the hospital. They will do a liver function check now I presume and probably it will show up the damage.

As stated before, you need to speak to the hospital social work department and bring them up to speed about the way in which your mother has been living.

Once you have a set of keys to the house, ask a hospital social worker or SS to visit the property before she is disharged and also ask the hospital to arrange a psychiatric evaulation to determine your mother's mental state of health.

If you should need to obtain your mother's co-operation, impress on her that involvement by the appropriate agencies may lead to her being able to remain in her home own without fear of eviction or calls from baliffs as, even at this late stage, if it can be shown that she has not been mentally competent to handle her financial affairs there is leeway for negotation with the building society, local authority re council tax etc.

If the necessary intervention doesn't take place in the very near future, it is possible that your mother will simply find herself on the street and her local authority will be under no obligation to offer her temporary or permanent accomodation.

FTR, if no police are present, baliffs can only enter a property if they are invited to do so - should you happen to be in your mother's house when a baliff calls, you are under no obligation to answer the door or invite them in and are best advised not to do so.

Hi Eurostar interesting insight. I suppose in the case I was imagining, they would be after some kind of explanation from GP records, but if OP's mother presented with breathing problems and COPD, that's pretty obvious so they wouldn't have bothered.

I disagree with izzyizin, you don't need to do any of those things. She is a drinking alcoholic, you can't solve her problems. GL with whatever you decide to do.

Hope you had a nice day out with dcs.

Is this house part of your inheritance, if it is could you not try and stop the repossession.

I agree with MrsSquirrel and say don't do anything.

Leave whatever services are out there to pick up the pieces and sort living/financial stuff. They will happily leave you to sort everything and not step in all the time you do help.

The more you help, the more you will be dragged in and you cannot help unless your mother wants to stop drinking.

She is the only one who can help herself. If she ever makes that decision then all the services will be in place to support her and then you can support her as much as you want to.

There is normally a thread running somewhere in relationships regarding drug & alcohol problems. They may be able to help you more.

I sound really hard I know.

First and foremost my concern is, and remains with, the cat(s).

Nevertheless, the fact that your mother is hospitalised presents an opportunity for you to make -the stitch in time that will save nine-- a couple of phone calls that will ensure that the necessary authorities/agencies are alerted to her situation and, thereafter, you'll be able to continue to keep your distance from her.

If you don't choose to make a minimal effort now, it's likely that she will be summarily evicted and put out on the street and it will inevitably take a lot more than a couple of phone calls to plug her into 'the system', to say nothing of her need for immediate alternative accomodation if this comes to pass.

If, as is your right, you are singularly resolved to let your mother go to the wall come hell or high water please feel free to ignore my advice.

Hi Op - how are you getting on?

WhatWill

I'm one of the BraveBabes posters and can feel the hurt in your posts. Drinking, and indeed any form of addiction, is horrific to watch from the outside. What I mean by that is you are not the drinker or the addict.

I wish that I could take those years of pain away from you. I salute your braveness in posting this thread, I honestly do.

Your story is a very sobering read, so much so that a BraveBabe has linked it on the regular thread.

I wish you peace my love.

Oreo - makes some excellent suggestions.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother when that happens but I already know, the real loss happened the day she chose alcohol over life.

xx

God wwb I really feel for you- my mum was the same , alcohol for forty plus years, in and out of rehab, hospital, residential, social services ( useless).I nearly forgot the multiple suicide attempts as well! She died last year. A blessed release for us all sadly.

Sort out the cat and then stay away. There is nothing you can do, and you will make yourself ill trying. Concentrate on yourself and your own family. And have a big hug from me xx

There are some very sad stories on this thread, so many wasted lives.

Thank you for the kind replies.

Mouse I know of your thread and have sometimes read through some old ones, you are all amazing, so strong and so kind to one another.

I have contacted ss today via email and have had a reply telling me they will start to look at her case and will get back to me.

And I will contact PALS about her records, thank you for all the good advice and lovely pm's.

I still don't plan on visiting her, I don't want to. When my cousin calls tomorrow I will tell him who I have spoken to and contacted on her behalf and that is all I am willing to do, I have no childcare and need to get the children and myself sorted out for returning to work and school, I don't get paid for another week and the petrol and parking would leave us short of money.

And finally the cat has been taken in by a neighbour when the mystery male went over and let them out (I phoned the neighbour and asked her to take it in for me)
She has said it is stable although very old with no teeth, it likes to sit on your lap and can still purr when stroked.

When I get paid I will take it for a check up.

Good- you look after yourself x Cat sounds fine :)

Just read through your thread and can only add my support for you. You're doing the right thing. One of my close friends had to do the same thing regarding her mother. She now has no contact. The lying was appalling, even telling people my friend owed her stacks of money!

To be honest I always think this, we don't choose who we're born to and just because we're blood relatives doesn't mean we have to feel responsible for our parents if they mess up. And if they mess up and lie then why should we always pick up the pieces? Our own lives are hard enough, especially if we have our own children to worry about. You can only do so much.

Glad to hear cat's ok

You poor love . I am a nurse and have lost count of the number of people i have watched die from alcoholic liver disease , each case though is tragic . We (nurses) understand how emotionally traumatic being a relative of an alcoholic is , we see your distress first hand or hear it in your voice over the phone . I know this may seem a silly thing to say , but feel you need to hear it anyway , we know it is something you as a relative have no control over , we know you have begged , pleaded and threatened your relative to no avail , it is not your fault , EVER.
On a more practical note , if your mother is shaky then she is exhibiting signs of withdrawl , these can be alleviated with medication . I take it she isnt jaundice , if the only symptom is the shaking . This is good news from a ALD point of view , it doesnt mean her liver isnt compromised , it could well be on its last legs , but on this admission it is less likely that she will die as a result of the ALD.
Ask the nurse if she has had a liver function test ? they will be very limited to the amount of infornation they can give you over the phone though , so it may be better to go in and speak to someone , the consultant may even be able to see you. alternatively you could ask for the consultants secrataries number and arrange for them to ring you .
The nurse was right when she said that the patient has to give permission for social services involvement , however i wouldnt hesitate to bandy around the terms vunerable adult and safeguarding in relation to your mother as she is at the moment. Also see if the ward staff can give you any idea of who the person was who has taken the keys .
I am so sorry you are having to go through this nightmare

Great post by frumpet

WWB - how are you today?

The LFT (Liver Function Test) crossed my mind too, I was wondering if your mother had jaundice or if she was just displaying withdrawal symptoms?

Good news on the cat front, it's odd and a little worrying as to who has her keys, I agree with frumpet about asking the ward staff.

Do you think that you could go to the ward? To speak to the staff there? See her Consultant to find out more or are you happy to leave things as they stand?

I don't mean to see her, I mean to get any un-answered questions dealt with so that you can get your own closure as it were, so that you know all that you need to know about her last few days/weeks/months, to enable you to move on if that's something that you feel needs to happen.

Have you asked to be kept informed of her 'progress'? Sorry to keep asking you questions my lovely, I'm just trying (badly) to put myself in your shoes, trying to think what I'd want to know.

Feel free to tell me to bugger off! xx

WWB, dreadful position to be in. I have experience both personally and professionally with alcohol abuse, but can only give blanket advice. Mouse's thread is amazing, and if for nothing else, just the support will help.

You can't frighten a drinking drunk. All you can hope for is that maybe she has reached rock bottom and asks, herself for help. It seems so far she has just played lip service to any sensible and logical ways of getting clean.

You have done your best, as has your cousin, if she stays in hospital long enough to become aware of the chaos that surrounds her life, then perhaps she will surrender. Here's hoping, and if there is not a support group locally for you, not her, because she doesn't want it, can I suggest you try Al Anon they are very helpful, you cannot carry the guilt around with you otherwise you will be poorly.

Best of luck. xx

I would also say that depending on the level of liver damage and if she doesnt stop drinking and there is no reason to think she will at this point in time , addmissions to hospital will probably become more frequent . Therefore it would be a good idea to get a plan in your mind about how you might deal with this in the future . I have looked after patients whose relatives choose not to visit on every addmission as it is simply too distressing and that is absolutely 100% fine , nothing wrong with keeping yourself sane when there is nothing physically you can do in a situation. Nobody working on the ward will judge you for that . When an person with ALD is admitted it is our job to look after them , care for and about them . As a nurse all i can do is hope to make them physically better , so that they can be well enough to seek help if they choose to . It has to be their choice and it has to be for them, not to appease loved ones.

Birds I'm sorry to read that you have been in this situation xx

frumpet - I admire you, I honestly do. It must be just as painful for you to watch a family torn apart when a person refuses to stop drinking.

I'm sorry this is so awful WWB. I havne't been in this situation but I do know a lot about addictions. You've had some wonderful support on your thread from some wonderful people.

No-one appears to have mentioned Al Anon, however. ie a support group that supports people who have close ties with an alcoholic. They at least can set your mind at rest that there is very little you can do when someone chooses active addiction and can suggest some practical pointers - for yourself, mainly.

One of the main problems seems to be your cousin, who is putting the pressure on you. Perhaps you could mention Al Anon to him? Just a thought. He obviously hasn't 'bottomed out' yet - ie given copious support and found out it is useless - and is putting pressure on you. Could you talk to him, perhaps send him some Al Anon literature? It's adding to the agony/guilt that he is pressuring you I think. He must be feeling a lot of guilt too and seems to not understand the basics of active and chronic addiction.

I also think Al Anon is a good idea to resolve some of your feelings about your mum before she goes. As someone upthread mentioned, unresolved feelings after the death of someone close can be very difficult to handle - you think the problems are solved when they die but they aren't always often aren't - there can be a lot of guilt and regret: a lot of it false tbh but part of the grieving. You appear to be feeling some (completely understandable) guilt at the moment, even though you have worked through your feelings enough to know you need to stay away to protect yourself (and your family) and I think you need some ongoing and knowledgeable support with that, as you've had on here.

This is a very painful and sad situation but it's heartening to hear that healthcare professionals understand the dynamics of situations like this, particularly for the relatives. That helps, if only a little bit.