STBXH's new GF

[ElusiveCamel]

STBXH and I split Dec '10 and he moved out March '11. We have a DS who is 4 and we usually have 50/50 custody, alternating nights. Since New Year, I've been staying with STBXH (at his invitation, we get on pretty amicably) while I was looking for a new home. (I have found somewhere and am moving in a couple of weeks.)

Anyway, STBXH met and started dating a woman quite seriously at beginning of October, so 4 and a bit months. She has never met DS, doesn't have kids and is younger than STBXH - think she may be late 20s and he's 35.

It's all a bit weird with me being in the flat because our 50/50 custody boundaries have all got quite blurred and we're spending a lot of time doing stuff together with DS etc. Tonight he's gone to stay at her house and we were discussing what time he'd be back tomorrow. He said it couldn't be too early as 'previous issues' (in the 6 weeks since I've been staying here) have really 'pissed her off'. Found out a bit more and they were:

1. One Saturday night I asked him if he could be back from hers before lunchtime because I needed to go back to the old house, finish the packing/sorting out of the house and needed him to take care of DS. I was one week post-surgery and the house was one we lived in together, so a lot of this tying up loose ends was also his responsibility. He decided not to sleep over and came back at midnight because 'it wasn't worth it' if he couldn't come back at lunchtime.

1. The first Saturday he stayed over there, he didn't tell me when he'd be back. DS was asking for daddy from 6am. It's different to when he's been at my house and I could say a time, but he'd never ever been here without his dad. At 9.45am, I phoned STBXH and asked what time he was planning on being back so that I could at least tell DS a time. He wasn't even awake. I don't think 9.45am is excessive, but apparently she was angry I 'phoned at 7' - I got my phonebill online to show him that it was not bloody 7am!

I'm a bit miffed by the whole exchange tonight. He says they've managed to 'sort out these issues' but really I'm just a bit annoyed to find out that she thinks it's reasonable to be angry and stroppy about either of these and from his tone, it sounds almost like he agrees. I took a job last year, which I discussed at length with STBXH before I accepted, which is going to require him to take on much more than 50% care of DS for a period of months later in the year. I asked him tonight what is she going to do then and he says he hasn't mentioned it to her! (because it's too far in advance)

Well done if you got this far, I'm not sure there's any advice or anything I need. Just needed a little rant/writing it down because I'm not quite sure what to think.

I think it can help sometimes to do the post from the other person's pov. to try to understand where they might be coming from. Because when you understand what the problem is, you can work out a solution.

So - I'm seeing this guy, he split up with his wife but they're still living together (she's moving out in a couple of weeks now she's found a new place), thing is, it's like they're still a couple, they do lots of family stuff and she rings him to tell him to be back by X time because she needs 1, 2, 3. The other week, she rang him when he was with me to ask him what time he would be home, because their child wanted to know.

What do you think people would be telling her?

Don't get me wrong, I think it's great you guys get along - but try to see how things must feel for her too.

I do understand how things must feel to a certain extent, but I don't think it's OK for her to be getting pissed off over two very minor explainable events. He's not doing me favours. He's looking after his son and if she plans on being around for the long haul, then perhaps she needs take a step back. We're not 'still living together' though. We've been living apart, apart from these few weeks.

I would hope that people would tell her, as I have told a friend in a similar situation, his child comes first and he has existing obligations. I am really worried about the upcoming months, because if she can't hack one phone call at 9.45am (which could've been avoided if he'd given me a time) and one occasion where he needed to be back at say 9 rather than 12 to deal with a house he's on the tenancy agreement of, then she's got a big shock coming up. The way he spoke about it was like they'd been very serious issues that require relationship crises intervention. As far as I can see, they were pretty minor events and I'm going to have moved in 10 days. By the way, DS has spent two of these Saturdays at my mums and on those weekends, I haven't said a word to him when he was over there. She refuses to meet me too, which is silly because it'd allay any worries she had. Really it would.

I think she's got a point. I'd be peeved to be woken before 10 - ok, she exaggerated but it probably felt really early to her, hoping for a languorous morning shagging with her bf.

You are cramping their style a bit.

Have you actually split up with your exH?

Have you had sex or any intimate relations at all since dec 10?

I don't quite understand why you are both still faking it for your ds and why you aren't making far more strenuous efforts to find a place of your own with ds?

But then her BF should've made proper arrangements thus avoiding the need for a phonecall! :)

I am not cramping their style in the slightest. It's for a matter of two occasions which were exceptional. I can see why she was slightly irritated, but then she should perhaps not be dating someone with a 50/50 close co-parenting arrangement. It is going to be a whole lot worse pretty soon.

hoping for a languorous morning shagging with her bf
I wish her well with that ...

Have you actually split up with your exH?
Yes

Have you had sex or any intimate relations at all since dec 10?
No, absolutely not. We aren't affectionate at all.

I don't quite understand why you are both still faking it for your ds and why you aren't making far more strenuous efforts to find a place of your own with ds?
Err, faking what? He moved out in March '11 - into his own flat. We have 50/50 custody and that is what DS is used to - two homes. I have been staying here for several weeks between moving out of our old house and me moving into a new place, which I'm doing in 10 days. Our DS is extremely clear about the fact we've split up and are not in a relationship.

It all sounds very ominous as in 'she's got a big shock coming up' and 'it's going to get a whole lot worse' Are you pregnant with sextuplets?

How old is you son?

It sounds like you're enjoying the prospect of putting a spoke in her wheel and I reckon you ought to think about why that is.

What's the big shock?? [nosey]

But I explained what the big shock is in the OP!!! :) It's that he's agreed to do a lot more than 50% of the childcare in a few months time for a period of some months and this is what is bothering me about all this. Otherwise, as I'm going to be out of here in a few weeks, I'd just roll my eyes at this and not think anything of it at all because we'll back to normal.

Kodachrome Really, really not. You're barking up the wrong tree with that one. I promise.

Sounds to me like she feels a little threatened. You are still on the scene and she might feel any situations where you appear (though your DS) to have some control over your x difficult. Also she has no kids and I should imagine has no idea quite what it's like to parent your DS. If she is a keeper though, she will get over both the issues and learn to be a great step mum with time.

Ignore her and the incidents for now, you are moving out soon and it sounds like you'd x does put your DS first so don't worry about his relationship with his girlfriend - that's his problem.

i.e. If she has had real issues with the fact that, on two occasions, he's left hers at 10 rather than 11.30 (to be back for 12) then what is she going to do when she finds out that there are going to be whole weeks and weekends where STBXH has DS full-time because I'm away.

JoinTheDots I think that is the case. I wish it wasn't though because there is zero reason for her to feel threatened wrt to me and STBXH. I'm just a little concerned about the upcoming months.

Its always a bit of a 'to do' at first, sure it'll all settle down when you are beck living separately. He obv. needed to get it a bit straighter with both of you. I am assuming the shock is that she will have to share him with his son. Well yes...

It's really not something you need to worry about - if she can't cope with him taking on more of the childcare - he's already demonstrated that he'll pick your child over her by coming back at midnight instead of staying overnight. Of course she's pissed off. A night with her but getting up early wasn't worth it to him.

She's bound to be worried.

I can't see much reason for you to be.

It sounds like he's not that serious about her if he's been spending at least half his time parenting and hasn't introduced her to DS in 4.5 months!

Sorry but how do you know she's stroppy about the call? Sounds like he's happy to cast her as the baddie.

Natasha I do not expect him to be at my beck and call and I don't think I own his time. They were two very exceptional situations, nothing like that has cropped up in the previous 3 months.

I would do your best to maintain that even if it means biting your tongue a little sometimes.
In what way? We're pretty good at remaining amicable and it's one of our main goals, obviously.

I do think at the early stages of a relationship, you do want to be spending lazy mornings in bed, and don't really want to be woken by his ex wife.

The time you called at 9:45, other than your DS wanting to know where his father was, was he meant to be looking after him that day? Because really, if you weren't living together at the moment, you wouldn't know where/what he was doing on those days, so I don't think you can dictate to him because you would like to keep a tab on him.

Well he may change his mind about doing more than 50/50 in a few months. Is it a court ordered arrangement? If not I think you should prepare yourself mentally and emotionally for the fact that he might renege on the agreement shortly, or his new gf might get pregnant.

All in all you must try to concentrate your efforts on raising your lovely son with fun and laughter and look ahead, not between or behind.

Stop investing valuable time and energy on his new girlfriend. If they marry she will be your son's stepmother whether you like it or not.

There is only one important person in all of this and that is your son. So long as he is loved on all sides (including your stbxh's new gf) and his young life is made as smooth and loving and amicable as possible (and it doesn't sound like there is violence or abuse involved here, just very understandable bitterness and angst) then that is all that counts.

If he's serious about her then he might introduce her to your DS in the next few months. I'm sure that will allay her fears.

Sorry but how do you know she's stroppy about the call?
Well, he says it caused problems and that she got really pissed off over it. I wouldn't have called if he'd actually told me when he was planning to come back whether it was 9am or 3pm. I just had no idea and needed to tell DS something as it was weird for him to be here with no dad. Who knows what he told her about me?

I do actually hope it works out between them. I really do. He deserves to be happy. Think she just isn't used to people with kids, and the situation with me being here and the fact we get on/co-parent is also unusual I guess.

Congrats on the cooperative parenting - I'm impressed that you are both able to do this..well done.

I do wonder if your ex is handling this poorly i.e telling you she's really pissed off and telling her you are forcing him to be back at a certain time.

Upshot is that he has 2 angry women when it shouldn't be a big deal.
If he repeats the dialogue with you I would ask him if he is pissed off with you? I suspect he might be blaming her for his feelings.
He probably (naively and stupidly) thinks he has keep 2 women happy..however he needs to be upfront and explain the cooperative arrangement to her and perhaps put more structure around your parenting communication. If he had said "please just text in future (for non emergency) rather than call" that would have been a better approach.

Look to the future and think how you will want communication with your ex when you have a new partner - if you were lying in bed with a new man you might not want a call from your ex asking what time you would be back.

You have done really well with the co parenting - that's brilliant and all I would say that's you have 14 more years so it's a long road and much patience and tolerance is required. Try to forget about this issue, put it down to miscommunication and be the adult. If the new women is a pain your ex will see it at some stage.

Also, late 20's and he is 35? Sounds totally normal to me. Do try to stop seeing her as the problem. It sounds as though you have both done and amazing job of splitting amicably and with your son's best interests at heart. He has met somebody. You haven't. In time you will. And then you will want your son to see that both mum and dad can be happy.
Your time will come. i know how hard it is though. x