STBXH's new GF

[ElusiveCamel]

STBXH and I split Dec '10 and he moved out March '11. We have a DS who is 4 and we usually have 50/50 custody, alternating nights. Since New Year, I've been staying with STBXH (at his invitation, we get on pretty amicably) while I was looking for a new home. (I have found somewhere and am moving in a couple of weeks.)

Anyway, STBXH met and started dating a woman quite seriously at beginning of October, so 4 and a bit months. She has never met DS, doesn't have kids and is younger than STBXH - think she may be late 20s and he's 35.

It's all a bit weird with me being in the flat because our 50/50 custody boundaries have all got quite blurred and we're spending a lot of time doing stuff together with DS etc. Tonight he's gone to stay at her house and we were discussing what time he'd be back tomorrow. He said it couldn't be too early as 'previous issues' (in the 6 weeks since I've been staying here) have really 'pissed her off'. Found out a bit more and they were:

1. One Saturday night I asked him if he could be back from hers before lunchtime because I needed to go back to the old house, finish the packing/sorting out of the house and needed him to take care of DS. I was one week post-surgery and the house was one we lived in together, so a lot of this tying up loose ends was also his responsibility. He decided not to sleep over and came back at midnight because 'it wasn't worth it' if he couldn't come back at lunchtime.

1. The first Saturday he stayed over there, he didn't tell me when he'd be back. DS was asking for daddy from 6am. It's different to when he's been at my house and I could say a time, but he'd never ever been here without his dad. At 9.45am, I phoned STBXH and asked what time he was planning on being back so that I could at least tell DS a time. He wasn't even awake. I don't think 9.45am is excessive, but apparently she was angry I 'phoned at 7' - I got my phonebill online to show him that it was not bloody 7am!

I'm a bit miffed by the whole exchange tonight. He says they've managed to 'sort out these issues' but really I'm just a bit annoyed to find out that she thinks it's reasonable to be angry and stroppy about either of these and from his tone, it sounds almost like he agrees. I took a job last year, which I discussed at length with STBXH before I accepted, which is going to require him to take on much more than 50% care of DS for a period of months later in the year. I asked him tonight what is she going to do then and he says he hasn't mentioned it to her! (because it's too far in advance)

Well done if you got this far, I'm not sure there's any advice or anything I need. Just needed a little rant/writing it down because I'm not quite sure what to think.

what Smum said only she said it a whole lot better. Kick your shoes off OP. What's your new place like?

or his new gf might get pregnant.
Heh, I think I'd be far less perturbed about that than him! He doesn't want more kids at all and she's not keen either. I really don't think he'd renege on the deal, but of course he could.

Smum99 We did discuss it tonight and he said he felt like the issues had been down to lack of communication/bad planning and so we agreed an actual time for tomorrow of 12, which means I can give DS a time and we can do something for the morning. I think me being here has confused it all a bit.

if you were lying in bed with a new man you might not want a call from your ex asking what time you would be back.
Hmm, I have had him phone in that situation! It wouldn't annoy me, but a bad reaction from a new man would!

What's your new place like?
Mine, all mine I'm ludicrously excited. It's a 2 bed flat in a nice part of town and I've spent all evening planning and furnishing in my head. Nothing really fancy, but nice and I just can't wait.

Ok, here's a funny story from the Sunday morning of the phone call. He gets home and says to DS 'You know what I haven't had all day?' and DS says 'A big squeezy cuddle?' (what he calls hugs) and STBXH says 'That's right' and gives him a cuddle. Few seconds later DS says 'Daddy ... did you give your friend a big squeezy cuddle last night?'

What ex wives can never understand is why a man would not put his child first every single time. Ringing him to see what time he would be home because your son was asking was wrong in my opinion. You could have just said something to placate your child without making a call.

Sometimes compromise is needed as after all he has been very accommodating to you letting you stay there.

Just because she doesn't have kids doesn't mean she won't be able to become a very important person in your sons life.

Teeb The time you called at 9:45, other than your DS wanting to know where his father was, was he meant to be looking after him that day?
Yes, of course - otherwise I would never have called! We hadn't arranged a specific time apart from 'morning' when he would take DS. I had sent a text, but got no answer and only called because DS was getting increasingly upset at being at his dad's flat with no dad.

Aw the ex sounds lovely..erm probs not supposed to say that lol...

I also think it's admirable that you are co-parenting. My thoughts are:

• the info about the GF is second hand, via your ex. If this is truly verbatim of her comments, then I wonder what his motivation is for passing this info on? Seems a little unfair on her.
• yes, 9.45 is early when your relationship is young, and I can't imagine there was a pressing need to tell your DS a specific time ex would be home, could you not have dealt with that in a different way? Taken DS out for a bit? It's surely his prob if he didn't get in touch - maybe she thought she had him all day to herself?

You're obviously handling things generally with great dignity, but try to also be honest about your feelings and think about whether you're displacing some resentment onto the GF. You don't have to feel totally cool about your ex being with someone else, irrespective of whether you have feelings for ex or not. You might just be feeling very protective of your DS?

You could have just said something to placate your child without making a call.
Oh wow, maleview why didn't I think of that?! If only you'd been here to suggest that helpful parenting nugget that I didn't think of and try ...

Just because she doesn't have kids doesn't mean she won't be able to become a very important person in your sons life.
Not sure what the two have to do with each other, but I'm very happy for her to be if that's what happens. The more people who care about my son in his life, the better :)

What ex wives can never understand is why a man would not put his child first every single time.
Except he does. Every single time. Not sure what you meant exactly.

Ringing him to see what time he would be home because your son was asking was wrong in my opinion.
We do 50/50 custody, so he could've avoided the call by making an actual arrangement for when he was taking over. I really don't think it's unreasonable to ask just before 10, what time he was planning, when he'd said 'morning'. I had had him all day Saturday, Saturday night and Sunday morning and had a number of unavoidable things to do, so actually coming any later than lunchtime wouldn't work and I didn't order him home - just asked a bloody question.

Men can be a bit...general about things though. I wonder if he felt as if he had made a solid plan by saying 'morning' and so long as he got home pre 12 then he was following the plans. Other than that maybe it would be easier if you sent him a text next time, it seems less intrusive when it isn't really an emergency.

Sorry, but your STBXH sounds really quite lovely. Mine disappeared leaving me ten thousand quid overdrawn, stole all our savings, raided his own daughters' post office accounts to the tune of 8 grand, drove to Heathrow and dumped my car, posted the keys back with only the number of the parking zone on a bit of paper, flew to thailand, shagged whores, crossed the border to Cambodia and shacked up with a little girl for a while, lied about his teaching background, texted me 5 months later telling me to slice some cellulite off with a knife and fucking choke on it, left me jobless traumatised and penniless.

Our baby son was 6 months old. We had been together seven years and married for five.

He is still out there. Scuba diving, eating, good job on the back of a pack of lies. Twat.

My son asked me this very night why he doesn't have daddy.

As I say, our baby was six months old when exh walked down the garden path wearing his feckin Raybans with all our money; and I had no idea where he was going. Well, he lied and said he was going to a mate's house. On his way up to Heathrwo in my car he stopped at the Hal;don Grill for a slap up farkin breakfast. Paid for on my account !

So could you please stop writing in bloody italics and get yourself a lovely life in your new brilliant place. Sing it from the rooftops that your ex loves his son. Yes. It's shit. But you have every chance of lying in bed with a new man very soon and not bothering to answer the phone when your exh rings too early.

And give me your STBXH's mobile number so I can buy him and his new gf (possibly your dc's future step-mother) a cocktail.

Stop bloody moaning.

maybe she thought she had him all day to herself?
Perhaps, but he was always due back 'in the morning' because it was his day to look after DS. I didn't get him to come back any earlier than was already arranged. He told me he'd be back 'in the morning', so asking just before 10 if he'd left yet is no that weird.

I can't imagine there was a pressing need to tell your DS a specific time ex would be home, could you not have dealt with that in a different way?
Like I said, it was fairly exceptional because we were at his dad's house and it was the first time ever that his dad had been away overnight from here. He was really upset and wouldn't leave until his dad got back. He's been through a lot of changes and it was a once off. He said 'Can we phone daddy?', he'd been upset on and off for 4 hours, I had put him off phoning for that long and we was due home soon anyway. DS is fine about it tonight and knows he'll see his dad at lunchtime tomorrow and had stuff to do.

UnlikelyAmazonian He is lovely and I am extremely grateful. Am just answering people's questions/comments in italics :) I don't mean to moan about STBXH - he's great and I hope things go well with his new GF. Posted because I was little unsure what to make of the exchange tonight is all and slightly worried about the future few months. I don't have a problem with her, but also don't want him stressed or miscommunications or anything like that.

Anyway, thanks for your comments. I think this should all be fine once I move and we're back to normal with more clearly defined arrangements. I will try not worry about the upcoming months and we can just take it day by day and see what happens.

Hellelujah. Then stop bothering about his lie-ins. Go swimming, take your lovely ds. Get yourself the life your ds will need when he's older, lanky and hungry 24/7. It will happen. Let the love into your life (or bacon and eggs, needlecraft/kick boxing and let your ex and his GF strike out. All for your son's sake. You have said stbxh is lovely. Remember that. Long may you both continue being great parents.

You sound lovely. Just tired and bloody annoyed. It will all pan out.

I know this isn't AIBU.... but I personally think that YABU

I think you're behaving as if you're possessive. That all his other plans should come second place to the plans you have for him. Regardless of 50/50 custody/access, you're acting like YOU decide when his 50% is, and that he has no choice in the matter.

When your ds was upset about his dad not being home, did you perhaps think that he's confused about the situation? Because you're both living in the same house, that's mixed signals to a child, imo.

I can appreciate that it's a bit of a stressful situation, but there are certain things you've said that would rub me up the wrong way.

My guess is that at 4, your DS can't tell the time, so why not be honest and say you wanted to know what time your ex would be back. If you had pressing things to do, it would probably have made sense to arrange a time for your ex to be back when he left, rather than ringing him during his own time. Which does lead to questioning of your motives in ringing him.

Would it be okay for your ex to ring you in the middle of a meeting when you start your new job, because DS is confused about why he's with Daddy when he'd normally be with Mummy? Or would you expect him to distract him until it was convenient for you to return a text message?

You do sound quite perversely pleased at the thought that you've pissed his new GF off. Why are worried about how stressed your ex might be getting? That's none of your concern really is it?

UnlikelyAmazonian I do lots and lots of interesting things in my life, and with my son too. I am plenty happy for STBXH and GF to spend alllll the time in bed without interruption as much as they want. I am not bothered about his lie-ins. He was due back then to take over and DS needed him. If he hadn't been, I wouldn't have given it a second thought - like all the other Sundays I haven't thought about it and like tomorrow when I won't. I hadn't given that another thought, until tonight when he told me she'd been really annoyed I had phoned.

Ballstoit We'd arranged 'morning' - I wanted to know whether that was soon or likely to be in two hours so I could manage DS' upset better. We should've made a better/firmer arrangement and avoided the misunderstanding. Which we have now done for tomorrow.

I have been in my new job for quite some time. If I had told STBXH that I would be back 'afternoon' to collect DS and he called me at 3pm asking me when I was going to be there, which is exactly the scenario that happened, then of course that would be reasonable. And he has done that to me quite a few times, by the way.

I am not in the slightest bit pleased that new GF was pissed off. Of course, it's my concern if STBXH gets stressed - we see each other, because of the way we parent very often. Why would I not be concerned if our arrangements were causing him difficulty and need to know what I/we could do to improve things or make adjustments. It matters whether the arrangements are causing stress because it will impact on our son, impact on how sustainable it is and lastly, I weirdly would quite like him to be happy and not suffer.

If someone posted:

"I've being seeing lovely bloke for the past four months. Things had been going really well, and then his ex moved back into the flat because she was waiting to move into her new house. Since then she's been ringing on a Sunday morning demanding to know when he'll be home because their ds (who I haven't met yet) wants to know. I'm starting to get a bit pissed off about it because she expects him to give her times when he'll be there and if he doesn't she will ring him."

Can you guess what the response on here would be?

"I would say it's likely he and his ex are back together." I guarantee it.

Now, I know you say you're not together. but think of it from her perspective - she starts seeing a bloke, and two months into their relationship his ex wife moves back in with him and starts making demands on his time.

I am 100% behind the notion of shared parenting, and having an amicable relationship, but even I would be suspicious about that.

My OH has a DD. He's been split from his ex for a couple of years now. But if, early on in our relationship, she'd called him while he was in bed with me in order to keep tabs on him, I would have gone stratospheric.

You calling him at hers was a bit of a liberty tbh. But it's not your fault either. If he wants to have a new relationship, it's his responsibility to make sure all involved are happy with how he manages that. That includes you, your DS and the new GF.

Meant to add, it just sounds like teething problems and I wouldn't worry. If new GF can't handle the fact that his DS will always come first, she won't last long.

Wannnabe
Your post implies that she is ringing every time, she rang him once on a Sunday morning and that was because he was vague about when he would be taking their DS. I wouldnt think twice about ringing then because "morning" is anything up until noon and even a 4 year old can tell the difference between breakfast and lunchtime! And she asked him to look after his own son so she could tie up the loose ends on their old house, ie: 50% his responsibility.

Its hardly a daily occurance. The GF sounds jealous and needy imo and I cant see her lasting very long at all.

Sorry havent read all the posts but I would organise a back up plan for your work commitments later in the year and not tell STBEXH.

My very own not so D STBEXH seems to take the most delight egged on by new GF in letting me down with childcare particularly for work commitments.

I had that Confused.

Its a power thing. They do it because they can and they are proving that they can still control your life even though you dumped them, its pathetic. And actually, if i was with a man who cared so much about his ex that he would go to special effort to upset her, then I would think that he was still too wrapped up in her and dump him, not encourage him to think about her more! Your ex is stupid but his GF is stupider!

I did what you are suggesting and made other arrangements. Funnily enough, he stopped doing it when I stopped reacting and also when I said that no, he didnt need to have DS on X day because he was going to his new nursery. i took his power away, and guess what? He soon lost interest in playing silly buggers!