STBXH's new GF

[ElusiveCamel]

STBXH and I split Dec '10 and he moved out March '11. We have a DS who is 4 and we usually have 50/50 custody, alternating nights. Since New Year, I've been staying with STBXH (at his invitation, we get on pretty amicably) while I was looking for a new home. (I have found somewhere and am moving in a couple of weeks.)

Anyway, STBXH met and started dating a woman quite seriously at beginning of October, so 4 and a bit months. She has never met DS, doesn't have kids and is younger than STBXH - think she may be late 20s and he's 35.

It's all a bit weird with me being in the flat because our 50/50 custody boundaries have all got quite blurred and we're spending a lot of time doing stuff together with DS etc. Tonight he's gone to stay at her house and we were discussing what time he'd be back tomorrow. He said it couldn't be too early as 'previous issues' (in the 6 weeks since I've been staying here) have really 'pissed her off'. Found out a bit more and they were:

1. One Saturday night I asked him if he could be back from hers before lunchtime because I needed to go back to the old house, finish the packing/sorting out of the house and needed him to take care of DS. I was one week post-surgery and the house was one we lived in together, so a lot of this tying up loose ends was also his responsibility. He decided not to sleep over and came back at midnight because 'it wasn't worth it' if he couldn't come back at lunchtime.

1. The first Saturday he stayed over there, he didn't tell me when he'd be back. DS was asking for daddy from 6am. It's different to when he's been at my house and I could say a time, but he'd never ever been here without his dad. At 9.45am, I phoned STBXH and asked what time he was planning on being back so that I could at least tell DS a time. He wasn't even awake. I don't think 9.45am is excessive, but apparently she was angry I 'phoned at 7' - I got my phonebill online to show him that it was not bloody 7am!

I'm a bit miffed by the whole exchange tonight. He says they've managed to 'sort out these issues' but really I'm just a bit annoyed to find out that she thinks it's reasonable to be angry and stroppy about either of these and from his tone, it sounds almost like he agrees. I took a job last year, which I discussed at length with STBXH before I accepted, which is going to require him to take on much more than 50% care of DS for a period of months later in the year. I asked him tonight what is she going to do then and he says he hasn't mentioned it to her! (because it's too far in advance)

Well done if you got this far, I'm not sure there's any advice or anything I need. Just needed a little rant/writing it down because I'm not quite sure what to think.

Was it you that wanted to split with dh or the other way round?

I have only just read through some of the thread. Is there not a tiny possibility that you just don't like him being at his GF house at all. Just that niggle inside you that wont go away not accepting of the situation maybe living together again has stirred up old feelings?? Because sorry if I'm wrong here but you sound very annoyed at the very mention of the GF or any of her feelings. If my DP'S ex moved in with him i'd feel uneasy too. Hope everything works out ok for you tho but i do think you need to think about why you are so annoyed about the new GF because even if you cant admit it to yourself it does look like you still love your STBXH and cant bear the thought of him being with anyone else. Not being nasty just my opinion

I've re-read this and to be honest I think there is a lot of potential here for matters to evolve from amicable to downright hostile.

You have arrangements which are very much in your favour at the moment, and I think you should be wary of any possibility that he might start to see you as an obstacle to him forming new relationships.

Also, if you intend to rely on him to provide more than half of your son's care for extended periods because of your work, then you need to be prepared for that to become an issue if he and the new GF wanted more formal arrangements, and you ever found yourself in court.

It's your perceived interference and intrusion she is unhappy about at the moment - not the fact that your STBX is a dad. Don't assume that she won't be quite happy to have your son involved in her life - but not at your say-so.

Have you thought about what happens when your DS starts school? It won't be so easy then to go from one place to another every night.

I agree you need to have definite times for handovers, but this should have been arranged in advance, so when he said "morning" you should have said "no I need to make plans to meet people, give me a time".
I wonder why after nearly 5 months you are calling his girlfriend his "new" girlfriend. When will she become his girlfriend? Why do you feel it important to keep telling yourslef and us that she is "new"?
I suspect once you no longer live together and the coparenting is formally arranged things will be easier for them as I presume your ex will intoduce your son to his girlfriend and she will be there alot of the time that your son is there. the compartmentalising will come to an end.

The thing that screams out from your posts is that even after you have moved out the situation as it is is unsustainable.

Alternate nights? Really?

Hardly fair on your child.Especially when he starts school. The poor child won't know whether he's coming or going.

I'd say you have far more to sort out before worrying about his GF.

I think this can work if you live near each other. I think it is easier with a primary school age child than secondary school. My secondary chool age kids don't like going from house to house alot. They both tend to be a bit forgetful and when they need different books for different daysand homework the potential for things being in the wrong house is huge. For primary school age kids this isn't an issue, so seeing how it works for a few months is fine but you may find you decide to change things after a while.

theonewiththenoisychild I split up with him, but it was what he wanted too. Don't think that has anything to do with it at all. We were over each other romantically before we split.

theonewiththenoisychild Honestly, honestly, I do not mind about him being there or him having a girlfriend - I am very pleased for him. There are no old feelings being stirred at all. I do not love him, feel attracted to him, particularly enjoy spending time with him or anything like that.

I sound annoyed with her in this thread because I was annoyed to be told that she was pissed off with me when I don't think I've done anything particularly wrong. In her position, I'd have been mildly irritated but now it seems like there's a big issue when there really is no reason for there to be. There is no drama or issue with him being there, but equally if he needs to speak to me for childcare reasons, then I expect no drama back! By the way, he has frequently phoned me before 8 on a Saturday when he's not due to bring DS till much later to ask if he can come early for all sorts of reasons or he'll phone on a few hours before handover and ask what time are you going to be home. We are really flexible with each other and it has worked really well. My phoning was not weird/unreasonable in the context of how we've parented for the last year and the people I've been involved with haven't batted an eyelid at it.

BluddyMoFo You're right, it doesn't really affect me at all. I just want there not to be any drama/tension/issues so I was bit concerned to hear there were.

Olgaga We'll be see how it goes with regards to starting school later this year and make changes if needs be. Will depends on what works best for DS.

2rebecca She is his GF, I do think of her that way. She's never met DS and STBXH has no plans to introduce her. STBXH and her only see each other once a week. Last night was the first time he ever introduced her to any of his friends. He hasn't mentioned her to his parents. They didn't see each other over Christmas or New Year. He hasn't discussed with her what's happening with custody later in the year (which I really think he should, but not my call) I guess all of these things are why I used the term 'new'. It's not the first person he's seen since we split, just the person he seems the keenest on.

We have been living apart from each other for most of his and GF's relationships. I've just been here for 4 weeks temporarily. STBXH has no plans at all to introduce DS to her - he could've done in the first 3 months of their relationship and didn't. He also doesn't plan to introduce them over the summer when I'm going to be away working and hasn't told her about that yet so no, she won't be spending any time with STBXH and DS together. I would have no objection to it, but it's not what STBXH wants.

Sparks1 Thanks for your opinion. It's been working out really well for DS and us for a year so far, but we'll always change and review as is required.

I think what I've clearly failed to put across in this thread is that I really want things to work out between them.

Perhaps the 2 examples you gave weren't the best examples to portray yourself in a good light as in example 1 it did sound as though you had left it a bit late to phone him to tell him he must be back before luchtime. It sounded like the sort of thing you could have agreed in advance between you and it did sound as though if he said "no, it's not convenient I'll see you at lunch time" you wouldn't have been happy. It does sound as though you put your convenience ahead of his in this example.
In the second example as this was the first time he had stayed at his girlfriends I think you should have agreed a definite time if that was what you wanted, if you were happy with the flexibility of "morning" before he left for his girlfriends then when your son started pestering you should have just told him "daddy will be here by lunch time".
My ex and I get on well but have always had very definite hand over arrangements and are both good at telling the other if there is a problem with these. I think vagueness doesn't work when you start wanting to plan things as you resent hanging around for each other.
Your ex does sound weird in his reluctance to introduce his son to his girlfriend, but maybe he's waiting until the house moving was settled and was maybe wanting to give his son some time to get used to daddy being in his house on his own without mummy being there to bring home the reality of your separation before introducing a new woman.

2rebecca STBXH has been in this flat on his own from March until January. I have just been staying here for a few weeks. DS really thinks of this completely as daddy's house. I'm sleeping in DS' room.

In the first example, he could've slept over easily. He chose not to because he didn't want to get up and drive home earlier - I needed him to look after DS so I could deal with our old house. It was a once-off occasion. In the second occasion when I phoned, absolutely, the problem was we didn't make a proper arrangement. If he'd said a specific time, I wouldn't have called. Was just one of those things - no biggie as far as he or I are concerned and we've learned from it.

He doesn't want to introduce DS to her because he's not sure enough that it's going to be long-term enough to do that. He's really reluctant for either of us to introduce new partners to DS what he considers too soon. So no, DS is completely used to this being daddy's house. He just doesn't want to introduce her for a very long time still and it has nothing to do with me being here for these weeks. Most of their relationship has been conducted without me here anyway so he could've if he'd wanted to. He also thinks that introducing someone would dilute his time with DS.

as in example 1 it did sound as though you had left it a bit late to phone him to tell him he must be back before luchtime
I didn't phone in example 1, by the way. It was discussed the day before in person that we needed to get xyz done for our old house and therefore we'd need to fit it in like that because of abc. So he said 'OK, well I won't stay out then' - end of story as far as I was concerned until last night when I got told she was pissed off with me over it.

In example 1 it sounds as though he is at fault then for not either telling you that sorting out the house then wasn't convenient and he'd not be back until lunchtime, or agreeing with being there and telling his girlfriend that he had decided to cancel because he needed to help sort out his old house. It sounds as though he isn't very good at taking responsibility for his decisions.
You don't know what he has told his girlfriend about your relationship. She is probably feeling insecure about the fact that he lives with you at the moment and he won't introduce her to his son. He possibly blames you for these rather than himself.
I suspect if your ex continues to keep her at arms length things won't last much longer anyway.

I actually feel sorry for the GF, I don't think she has a problem with your ex being a dad I think she has a problem with you, it comes across on here even with you explaining yourself that you want him to be at your beck and call so for her it's probably 10x worse.

OkayGrrl In what way do you think I want him to be at my beck and call?! In example 1, he chose not to stay overnight. In example 2, he was due to be back very shortly and I simply asked him to tell me what time so I could figure out what to do - something he does to me all the time.

Ok so not really answering your questions, or OP, but it is so much better if you can co-parent well, my DH has a DS from previous relationship and his DM and DSFather and me all get on fab. Some things my DH and his ex do together (parents evenings etc) but childcare is always sorted between the four of us. DSS was four when his parents split up, and I as the GF didn't always find it easy that DH got on well with his ex, however fast forward 9 years down the line and we actually have evenings where we invite them round and all Six (including DSS and DSFathers daughter) have a fab evening together and have even spent new years eve together and went to each others weddings.
I guess what I'm saying is that I can see GF's point at the moment, but once she see's how everything is it can work out really really well! I know that we are quite unusual how we are, but my DSS loves it (apart from when all four of us lay down the law and don't budge - he thinks it's a pain then), and not one of us regret how it's been.

Areyoumad Had to read your post twice was very confusing first time round. Sounds like a very good set up. Wish my sister her bf and her ex and his gf could be this sensible bur sadly not

areyoumad Thanks. Your set-up is kind of how I grew up seeing things. My mum's best friend (after my dad and my mum split up) was my dad's first wife. We had lots of ex and new partners in family, on step-father's side too and all I saw growing up was everyone just getting on, sometimes socialising together and all just being very normal with each other - which is exactly what I want.

Sorry theonewithnoisychild it gets kind of confusing to write it down
Simplified:
Me (was GF now wife) with DH who has a DS

DS spends half week with his DM and DSFather (who has two daughters from previous relationship) and half with us.

So in his (DSS) world he has DDad and DSM, DM, DSfather and 2 DSsisters. All of who get on very well. (and occasionally have great nights all together and who class each other as friends) DSS loves it except when we all pull rank and lay down the law (and when grounding transfers from one house to another - which it does)

I' m sure that made it much clearer

Everyone who knows DSS comments on how relaxed he is and how everything has been made easier for him, it does work well, but wasn't always easy in the early days!

I understood it when i re read it for the second time. Like i said sounds like a really good set up

Soon to be ex husband? Split up December 10 and not yet divorced. Why not?

MrsJAlfredPrufrock Because you need 2 years separation before you can divorce unless you've got a good reason to rush it through on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour or adultery. We will divorce, but there's no urgency. Our relationship is over regardless of whether we're in the two year legally required waiting period or not.

Well done if you got this far, I'm not sure there's any advice or anything I need. Just needed a little rant/writing it down because I'm not quite sure what to think.

If I were you I would err on the side of caution and think "Right, this is a new situation for all of us and there is bound to be a bit of pushing and shoving whilst we all sort out our respective positions in each other's lives so I'm not going to read anything into this at all. That's what I would think in your situation.

I would however question why my STBXH would tell me things his new partner was saying. If I was his new partner I would be furious that our conversations were being relayed back to his STBXW even if only in part. It's not fair really, is it? His new partner is not responsible for him being late for his child that morning and you really don't know for a fact what spin he used in his explanation to her for you ringing him whilst with her. Perhaps from what she has been told about you (as you mentioned previously) she feels justified in her apparent rant?

Either way your relationship is going to change in the coming months, this situation has the signs for that already. You are enjoying a very amicable co-parenting set up for the benefit of your son which is great but the reality is that if you don't all respect each other's space and privacy the situation will turn sour very quickly to the detriment of your son's welfare. At the moment the irritation is being caused by your STBXH relaying information between two women in his life and not being very clear about his intentions and plans in relation to his child.

You seem to be very happy that he has met someone and is moving on with his life. That being the case why could you not just send a text to him (knowing he was with her and obviously in the early stages of a relationship) telling him you were off to the house, were taking DS with you and he could come to the house to collect DS when he was ready? That way you get on with your day, you wouldn't have had to ring him and you would have earned yourself a favour for when you needed one in return for when you are in the throes of an early relationship.

You have sixteen years ahead of you with this situation and you never know what they contain - it is never the same for any two step families.

We took 4 years to get divorced as my ex wasn't in a rush to sign things. Here in Scotland it's 2 years if both agree, 5 if only one does. expecting a divorce in under 2 years is unrealistic unless you are going for unreasonable behaviour etc which just causes animosity if you have kids.

Thanks SparkleSoiree They've been seeing each other for about 4.5 months I think and these two things were pretty recent - I am sure that it's come about from all of us being stressed by various things that have been going on and me being at the house.

That being the case why could you not just send a text to him (knowing he was with her and obviously in the early stages of a relationship) telling him you were off to the house, were taking DS with you and he could come to the house to collect DS when he was ready?
Two incidents getting confused there :) WRT to house sorting, DS couldn't come with me as I was going to be doing DIY in a cold and empty house and it just would've been impossible. STBXH and I discussed it a day or two beforehand and he volunteered that he'd still go out on Saturday night, but wouldn't bother staying out. He never gave me any indication of it being a problem for him. I never called him that night or changed arrangements or summonsed him home to look after DS! The different incident where I phoned to get clarification of the time, I wasn't going back to the house and he was due to be back shortly anyway. I just asked what time, which is something he does to me all the time. He'd have come back pretty soon regardless so that he could spend time with DS. This is the man who made me agreeing to 50/50 in the event we split a condition to having a child ...

ElusiveCamel "MrsJAlfredPrufrock Because you need 2 years separation before you can divorce unless you've got a good reason to rush it through on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour or adultery." But there has been adultery, and unreasonable behaviour. I'm not sure it's entirely healthy to continue as though the marriage is intact. It isn't. And it's much better that you get on and sort out the paperwork.

One of you could easily decide to not grant the other a divorce on grounds of 2 years separation when the time comes. Also, unless you live in Scotland, your finances remain joint as everything is a marital asset until you divorce. I don't think I'd be having a relationship with either of you as you are both VERY married.