STBXH's new GF

[ElusiveCamel]

STBXH and I split Dec '10 and he moved out March '11. We have a DS who is 4 and we usually have 50/50 custody, alternating nights. Since New Year, I've been staying with STBXH (at his invitation, we get on pretty amicably) while I was looking for a new home. (I have found somewhere and am moving in a couple of weeks.)

Anyway, STBXH met and started dating a woman quite seriously at beginning of October, so 4 and a bit months. She has never met DS, doesn't have kids and is younger than STBXH - think she may be late 20s and he's 35.

It's all a bit weird with me being in the flat because our 50/50 custody boundaries have all got quite blurred and we're spending a lot of time doing stuff together with DS etc. Tonight he's gone to stay at her house and we were discussing what time he'd be back tomorrow. He said it couldn't be too early as 'previous issues' (in the 6 weeks since I've been staying here) have really 'pissed her off'. Found out a bit more and they were:

1. One Saturday night I asked him if he could be back from hers before lunchtime because I needed to go back to the old house, finish the packing/sorting out of the house and needed him to take care of DS. I was one week post-surgery and the house was one we lived in together, so a lot of this tying up loose ends was also his responsibility. He decided not to sleep over and came back at midnight because 'it wasn't worth it' if he couldn't come back at lunchtime.

1. The first Saturday he stayed over there, he didn't tell me when he'd be back. DS was asking for daddy from 6am. It's different to when he's been at my house and I could say a time, but he'd never ever been here without his dad. At 9.45am, I phoned STBXH and asked what time he was planning on being back so that I could at least tell DS a time. He wasn't even awake. I don't think 9.45am is excessive, but apparently she was angry I 'phoned at 7' - I got my phonebill online to show him that it was not bloody 7am!

I'm a bit miffed by the whole exchange tonight. He says they've managed to 'sort out these issues' but really I'm just a bit annoyed to find out that she thinks it's reasonable to be angry and stroppy about either of these and from his tone, it sounds almost like he agrees. I took a job last year, which I discussed at length with STBXH before I accepted, which is going to require him to take on much more than 50% care of DS for a period of months later in the year. I asked him tonight what is she going to do then and he says he hasn't mentioned it to her! (because it's too far in advance)

Well done if you got this far, I'm not sure there's any advice or anything I need. Just needed a little rant/writing it down because I'm not quite sure what to think.

MrsJAlfredPrufrock Excuse me?! There was been no adultery or unreasonable behaviour. We have been split up/separated for over a year. We are both very clear on that. We are in a lot of contact because of the way we parent and I know a lot of people aren't used to it, but no-one who knows us is any doubt about the fact we're totally split.

to continue as though the marriage is intact
But we don't. We live as separated people who are very much not in a romantic relationship together!

How the dickens do you know a young woman in her 20s doesn't want to have children. Who told you that and in what context? You don't even know her!

I am sure your exh has told you he doesn't want any more, and why.

I'm sorry but you sound like a nightmare. Really controlling. I would advise this young woman to run for the hills as the relationship won't stand a chance with you behaving as you do.

Where did I say she doesn't want children?! Wow.

Read your own posts back.

Ahh, I said 'and she's not keen either'. I didn't mean ever. I don't think she would be keen to have children right now (because she has plans for something) - which is the context I was making my comment. I have no idea whether she wants children and has nothing to do with any of this.

Heyyyho On what basis am I controlling, by the way? Because I phoned him on one occasion to check what time he meant when he said 'morning'? Seriously is that what controlling nightmare ex wives are made of these days? :) He phones me to ask stuff like that all the time.

I realise you are both split, that other people know you are split and you have a happy co-parenting relationship but are you completely out of love with your STBXH?

I'm sorry if that is too personal a question but to me it does seem to be an under current in your posts based on how you refer to your situation in different ways without actually saying 'I don't have any feelings for him'. Ive never noticed it before on other EXP threads which is why I'm asking.

Note to self: This is NOT AIBU!

you've both had partners while married
that's adultery isn't it? for divorce purposes I mean

Look, I have SC. I was looking after them from the time they were 6 and 9. You can imagine how complicated that was; illnesses, school events, parties, concerts etc. Not once did my then dp ex wife call us at 9am to ask an inane question like when will they see you, that was two young children with complex needs. It was passive aggressive and totally unecessary. You honestly must see why she was pissed off.

There is really nothing for you to feel threatend about here. You say you fine with things but your actions and things you have said on here speak a different story. If you want the relationship to work pls stop with the controlling behaviour.

When you meet someone you will see things in a different light.

SparkleSoiree I have said it explicitly on this thread several times! :) I was completely and utterly out of love with him before we split up. There are no romantic feelings or attraction from either of us. While we're able to get on with each other for what we need to, but that's it. He and I were never each other's grand passions and both of us have met other people.

Anyway, we just had a chat about it and have agreed to go through our calendar later and get it up to date. With me being here, we've just kinda being making it up as we go along.

I must have missed that bit - I do recall your several references to not being together but obviously didn't look closely enough for the feelings declaration and completely missed you being with someone else.

Once you get your calendar organised it may feel better for you both.

I think you just need to bide your time.

It's unusual for a couple to be as amicable post-split as you are, especially this soon after the break-up. It's great and a shame it can'be more commonplace, but you have to accept that it will raise a few eyebrows, and I bet the new GF isn't the only one thinking about whether you and STBXH are getting back together.

Without knowing you, it's completely normal that the GF would be a bit about it, and so act suspicious and a little insecure. When you move out, things will be a lot easier. If the relationship appears to be going the distance, at some point a meeting between the three of you would probably lay any residual difficulties to rest.

I think all these problems will disappear with a little mutual understanding a bit of time.

"MrsJAlfredPrufrock Excuse me?! There was been no adultery or unreasonable behaviour. We have been split up/separated for over a year."

Really, no adultery? Spending a bed with a woman/man who is not your spouse is certainly unreasonably behaviour.

You know reading your posts, I absolutely believe you when you say you have no feelings for your STBXH. However, there is an undercurrent in your posts that kind of suggests that you have tied yourself up mentally with your DS - that because have a DS together, DS and you will always be NO.1 on your STBXH list with GF (who you insist on calling new despite them being together several months) a kind of irritating bit of background noise whose feelings are less important, or at least secondary to, anything that happens with arrangements concerning your DS.

Probably without meaning to you do sound controlling. FWIW my EX and I had a very amicable arrangement. He would come and spend the day with the kids and even sleep over. Sometimes we would take the kids out together. But never, ever, did I phone him when I knew he could possibly be in post-coitus state with any woman, let alone established girlfriend for trivia such as when are you going to turn up.

So if I was your Xs GF. I'd be majorly pissed that you rang that morning. When you made that phone call you proved that you still pull the strings and have more influence over your X than she does.

I hope things work out, it great to be amicable. But I think his GF is behaving completely reasonably. Also why is your X putting off introducing her to DS? What's stopping him?

I think most reasonable people believe that once you have decided to separate "the date of separation" in Scotland you aren't married in any meaningful sense and are just waiting for paperwork.
If you're of a "vengence is mine saith the Lord" mentality you will disagree.

sayeth even.

2rebecca - Well financial separation happens at separation in Scotland so of course you would feel like that. It doesn't happen like that in England, you remain very much married until you sort out your paperwork and stop the marriage clock.

fabulousdarling Hmm, good points. I guess a lot of this confusion is because he doesn't really act like she's his partner: he doesn't want to introduce DS to her, he hasn't told his parents or any of his/our friends about her, he sees her once maybe twice a week, he hasn't told her about the plans for this summer and doesn't really have any plans to (this is what sparked off my worry last night), he only introduced her to some friends for the very first time last night.

He doesn't think relationship is serious or established enough to introduce DS to her. He also hasn't told her about plans for childcare over summer because he thinks it's too far in advance - i.e. they may not still be together. Which I think is kinda unfair because she has no idea that she's probably not going to see very much of him at all. I would have no problem with him introducing her to DS.

DS will always come first for XH, I won't/don't - and same for me with him.

But never, ever, did I phone him when I knew he could possibly be in post-coitus state with any woman, let alone established girlfriend for trivia such as when are you going to turn up.
Fair point. It was an exceptional circumstance and I don't/wouldn't make a habit of it. He has done the same to me on several weekend mornings though!

A relative of mine in England had a formal separation agreement drawn up within a few months of separating where as the divorce took 2 years. The separation agreement dealt with the finances.

I was divorced, amicably, in 6 months and 4 days from the date ExH told me he wanted a divorce and 4 months from when he moved out. Your situation is easy as he, at least, clearly IS committing adultery if he's having sex with a gf while you are married. No-one cares what the grounds are fgs, just get on and do it and free yourselves to get on with your lives. Just because there are 'grounds' doesn't mean it has to be a fight - you just agree to do it!

I second the divorce asap route it does make stuff a lot straighter and clearer

You see now you're actually listening to my post which never happens on MN and being very nice about my comments, which leads me to believe that your STBXH GF is a total whinging bitch and you're completely right and hard done by O.P

Elusive you seem to know an awful lot about this woman and her status, but of course you are only hearing what your X chooses to tell you. Similarly, you have no idea what impression she has gained from your X about you or his situation.

You may feel she has no right to be annoyed by your call, but from her POV, if she only gets to see your X once or twice a week, and even then you have made your presence felt, I can certainly see why it would have annoyed her.

I am sure things will become a lot easier when you move into your own place, and have more of a routine with your contact arrangements.

I second the advice you have received on here about moving the divorce along and getting it sorted as quickly as possible. If it's all so amicable, there's no good reason to wait two years.

As there is a child involved, you will still have to agree a statement of arrangements for children and a financial settlement. It won't just be a question of signing a form, whether you do it now or at the end of two years.

Olgaga I can certainly see why she was irritated by the call. In her position, I would've been irritated by it too. I have no idea what he's said to her and he may be exaggerating the situation/reaction in the way he's telling me. I think she has every right to have been a bit irritated on the day, but I think that what was explained to me by him (which could be incorrect) was disproportionate to what happened. If the same thing had happened to me, I'd have been irritated with boyfriend for not making proper arrangements and therefore ensuring that there was no reason ex would phone, but really I don't think it's that big a deal either unless it was a ongoing pattern or there was nastiness or there were phone calls to come home in middle of things we were doing etc etc. Also it was one-off in unusual circumstances, so I think that she could've been irritated by it, but understanding/kept it in perspective. I'd be pretty unhappy if a boyfriend of several months got angry in same situation - really tricky position to be in though.

Anyway, thanks for comments everyone. Definitely lots to think about. He stayed over last night without incident, will next weekend and after that I'll be in my new place so back to normal which will be better. And we're going to carry on working on making the arrangements a little clearer for these last couple of weeks I'm here.