DH wants to work in the USA and will go without us

[Killkenny4]

Hi i posted here in January and felt the advice was excllent. I had mentiioned that my husband is a musician and practically a workaholic. Any ways due to the advice received we found some middle ground and i was delighted with this. By the way we have two ds. He used to work with an international act but gave it up to be at home with the boys. When he used to be away he used to be so lonely. Anyways lately he has being talking alot about his dream of playing in Nashville. He plays with a good band now and at times he deps in other bands. He just does the depping for extra cash but always stated that if he had to play with such bands on a full time basis he would be depressed. As he was talking about Nasville quiet a bit i asked him would he ever consider working there and he said yes. I asked is he going to pursue this and he said if he was offered a job he would give it strong consideration and if his current band was to cease he would defnitely look for a job and really consider going.

I am devestated by this. Even though there is no job on offer i feel his considreration of doing this such a betrayal. I have told him i love him and would be devestated for our children They would be inconsolable without him in their life. He simply fails to see that they and i would be devestated and is persisting that will have to give this strong consideration. I am so hurt how couild i be married to a man that would put walk out on his family in order to follow his own dreams. He keeps saying it would work but how can you be a dad and husband and live in america. Even though this is actually not even happening now i cant believe he would think this scenario is even an option.
How could he even think of doing this.I am totally disgusted by him, it is having a shocking effect on my opinion of him. I am begginning to have hatefull thoughts and cant see a way back.

Help me.

If he is considering this without discussion then he being selfish not to consider the family needs.
Would you want to go? Do your career plans fit in with relocation at all?

We are discussing it all the time and it actually seems ridiculous as there is no actual job but i feel so hurt at even his thoughts never mind his actions. I would hate to go but would consider it for the boys as they love him so much and i think the effects of not having a father in their life woiuld be devestating however i think visas etc would make it impossible for us anyways.

Well it depends I suppose. Is he thinking of working away and coming home regularly, giving it 6 months, or just upping sticks and leaving you and the children?

I understand you are feeling pretty disgusted if he is clearly putting his career before your happiness as a family. But surely the fact that he gave up one job to see more of the children means he isn't thinking this would be a permanent thing?

He might spend a while there and realise it's not quite the dream he thought it would be.

I think you have to look at the reality of it.

He doesn't have a job there, it is all a dream and it's not going to happen.

He does sound like he's still in the teenage years tho of becoming world famous with his music....

Tell him to get over himself and grow up! He did chose to settle down with you and have two children, I presume?

If it is not an option for you because of visas then you need to ask him directly what his priorities are. If he considers the pursuit of his career more important than a family life then with no compromise then it will be a difficult relationship to maintain. Plenty of people(men) pursue a career at the expense of families and it is hard to reconcile. I have also chased my husband round the country for his job but I have been able to maintain my career and a reasonable family balance so it is not as hard as your situation.

Am I missing something but why wouldn't you all go (especially if temporary)?

Is he suggesting going alone, or hoping you would go along but you don't want to?

Is there any likelihood of this at all?

Do you have your own career/reasons you don't want to relocate?

I'm not sure what to think of this, on the one hand if my husband continously ran after inprobable dreams and wasted his time away (e.g. if not earning), I couldn't stand that, on the other, if he was a successful musician, was offered a ok paid job of his dreams and asked if I would relocate, I would consider it.

If I got a job in America (which is not entirely unlikely), massive promotion and lots more money, my husband has said he would come with the family. So, I don't think it's ridiculous to think one partner might want to live abroad and follow their career at one time, but at the expense of the other, no.

This is your earlier thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1393725-married-to-a-workaholic

It's the dream of many to play music in Nashville or other venues around the world but the fickle nature of the music industry means that very few can boast that their dream has come true.

We all need dreams to sustain us but, as in the UK and just about every other country in the world, there's a surfeit of talented professional musicians in the USA and the chances are that this particular dream of your dh's is destined to remain unfulfilled.

However, if were to become possible for him to live his dream, I have no doubt that he wouldn't simply up sticks and leave without a backward glance.

As we can't predict with any absolute certainty what life will bring us, or where it will take us, I suggest that you resolve not to attempt to cross imaginary bridges until they appear in reality.

FWIW, if you were to have the opportunity to visit Nashville or numerous other parts of the USA I reckon you'd love it but the US's immigration controls make it unlikely that you could remain for anything other than a holiday.

Forgot to convert link: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1393725-married-to-a-workaholic

I think you need to take a deep breath and think about the reality here,
he is just saying that he would 'consider' the chance to fulfil a pie in the sky dream if the chance came along. He hasn't said he would definitley go ahead with it, and no-one knows how long he'd be able to stick it alone if he did.

Is there something else in your past that might make you over-react to this, because shocking, disgusted, devastated and betrayal are very strong words to use in a situation like this? If you take this attitude when he is just talking to you about options, you run the risk of him not wanting to share his thoughts with you in future.

Also, from what I understand about Nashville (from another workaholic musician DH!) it is choc full of brilliant home grown talent, and so I'd be a bit doubtful about his chances of a chance offer ever coming accross the Atlantic to your DH. Although he is probably brilliant and world famous or something, so maybe I shouldn't jump to conclusions!

Is he missing the creative fulfilment/kudos/sucess/whatever of his former international band, that he gave up to be with you and the kids more. Maybe he feels bored? However important wives and children are, many people wouldn't be satisfied if that was ALL there was to life. Is there some other musical project he could focus on that might make his working life more satisfying, and stop him thinking about Nashville to concentrate on something more practical?

sorry will respond shortly to all have two very hungary kiddies needing their tea. Thanks for all responses.

I live in the US. Unless he got into a studio band, I imagine there would be a LOT of traveling for the band to get to the various venues to promote themselves/get themselves heard. The US is big, spread out, and the travel time is long. Even if you came here with him, if he did have to do the traveling, he might not be home to be the proper father then either and you would be in a new place without support (but with festering resentments).

Hi thanks for all the responses. The reason i am appearing so anxious about this is that there is good chance this may happen. His brother is in Nashville playing with one of the biggest acts there and in june my husband is going out there for two weeks to play on an album with his present band who is dueting with another Nashville' head 'so its not so remote that a job offer could some time arise. His brother has told him that he would be good enough to work in a top band. This is his dream and if an opportunity arose i think he would be blinkered by it and take it. Your right he would look back and it wouldnt be forever howeverHe has this unrealistic idea that he could still be a father and a husband. He is so blinded by his dreams that despite him saying that yes this would devestate his family he still feels he would have to really consider it. It also took him a long time to recognise that his children would be really devestated. Im so disgusted at him for this. I want to be able to put this behind me until it does possibly arise but i cant shake it off. I couldnt bear to cause our sons a moments worry and yet he would put them through this.

I can understand how you feel. Your dh has indicated he wants to follow a path that would separate you all, and could be devastating to your family life. I would feel betrayed, afraid and angry.

But, if you can, set emotions aside and think about practicalities. What he is proposing - while not absolutely impossible - is highly unlikely to happen. Anyone who knows me, knows I always ask questions to get a clearer picture before offering advice, so here goes:

• Why Nashville? Why not NY, LA, Austin etc.?
• Has he ever been to Nashville, and does he know anyone there? (trying to get a sense of whether he has a practical/logical dream that is well thought out, or if it is simply pie-in-the-sky dreaming
• Has he worked/toured/recorded etc in America? If so, he will know how difficult it is to get a work permit
• Does he write music? Sing? Play an instrument? More than one instrument? Can he read music? Sight read? He'd probably need to do all of the above fairly well to have even the slightest chance
• Does he have contacts in 'the industry'? A manager? Agent? Publisher? Anyone with connections in Nashville (or America)?
• How old is he?

All these questions will help you (and possibly him) understand that the days of simply showing up in 'Music City' with a guitar and $100, waiting to be 'discovered' are long over. Unless he has some serious talent, and serious contacts/connections (preferably both), it is a VERY long shot.

Final question: does he support you/the family with his musical earnings? how would he propose to support you/contribute while waiting for his big break?

" Devastate his family"

No disrespect but it's nothing of the sort.

A devastated family is one where a serviceman works away for 9 months or longer at a time and then looses his life as a result of said work.

That's a devastated family.

Im obiously a good judge of my two children and yes they would be devestated by his abscence.

Sparks1 not sure how that statement is relevant (or helpful at all). Separating a family is pretty devastating if one part of it doesn't want it at all.

OP you haven't said why you can't go to Nashville with him or if that's what you want.

If he were to get such an offer, I don't think it's so awful that he'd consider taking it. Yes, it would be hard to be separated, but there's no reason he couldn't still be a husband and father - he could travel back, skype - you could go out there for holidays and potentially move out there if he had real success.

I don't know. I'd be really upset to think of dh going off for months, but then again, if he had the opportunity at a dream, I'm not sure I could live with standing in his way. Especially if there were ways of keeping it together.

If he'd go and not give you guys a backward glance, that's different.

Could you answer the earlier poster who asked why wouldn't you all go?

I am sorry but I think you need to get a grip.

Why not let him go, it is his dream, and it may not be for ever.

Why can you not go with him if it turns out it could be permanent?

But lots of people work abroad for quite long periods and if he's successful and you're not on the breadline, the kids will adjust as long as he comes back regularly, and you can go over in holidays etc.

I don't have time to read the other thread - how old are your sons?

He'll be missing them more than they'll be missing him. Obviously you'll be missing him too, but what's your real problem with this? It probably won't be forever.

Are you really afraid he'll meet someone else and not come back?

Hmmm.

So you are married to someone with a life long dream that they may possibly realise and you could do it with him, unless I've missed something, but he may go alone???

I would consider going but i dont think it is possible with visas etc. Is it even possible for him to work out there without a green card. I know your right that i shouldnt stand in the way of his dreams but asking his two children to cope with it is such a tall order. As a wife i feel i could really acknowledge his need to do this but then i start thinking of my sons and i know they would be so lonely for him and that alone makes me angry.

How old are your sons?
Why couldn't you get a three month visa if your DH is out there?
Are you British?
Do you work?

It is only a short time, children are resilient, they cope. Imagine how cool it is to say "My dad is playing in a band in America"