DH wants to work in the USA and will go without us

[Killkenny4]

Hi i posted here in January and felt the advice was excllent. I had mentiioned that my husband is a musician and practically a workaholic. Any ways due to the advice received we found some middle ground and i was delighted with this. By the way we have two ds. He used to work with an international act but gave it up to be at home with the boys. When he used to be away he used to be so lonely. Anyways lately he has being talking alot about his dream of playing in Nashville. He plays with a good band now and at times he deps in other bands. He just does the depping for extra cash but always stated that if he had to play with such bands on a full time basis he would be depressed. As he was talking about Nasville quiet a bit i asked him would he ever consider working there and he said yes. I asked is he going to pursue this and he said if he was offered a job he would give it strong consideration and if his current band was to cease he would defnitely look for a job and really consider going.

I am devestated by this. Even though there is no job on offer i feel his considreration of doing this such a betrayal. I have told him i love him and would be devestated for our children They would be inconsolable without him in their life. He simply fails to see that they and i would be devestated and is persisting that will have to give this strong consideration. I am so hurt how couild i be married to a man that would put walk out on his family in order to follow his own dreams. He keeps saying it would work but how can you be a dad and husband and live in america. Even though this is actually not even happening now i cant believe he would think this scenario is even an option.
How could he even think of doing this.I am totally disgusted by him, it is having a shocking effect on my opinion of him. I am begginning to have hatefull thoughts and cant see a way back.

Help me.

You have to put your kids and yourself at the forefront.

They need stability and schooling. And you need to be there for them.

He sounds totally wrapped up in himself.

Do you even have the finances to trail the family around Nashville area while keeping a home to come back to in UK?

Honestly, if I was in this situation (I am a LP), I would kiss him good luck on following his dream for 3 months and then see, no way I would uproot myself or my children.

it does feel his way or the high way. I think i have my own personal issues regarding insecurities and i would love to work them out. I dont want to be angry all the time. This man is not goin to change its like goin against a wave. So the up shot is i either lay down the law and make him unhappy and risk loosing him or i stand by and let him pursue his dreams which will cause me huge anxiety. Im still at a loss to be honest as to what course of action to take.

From your OP it didn't sound as if your husband was necessarily going to go to Nashville without you but that if offered a job there, you were refusing to go with him? You also say that it is kind of "his way or the highway" but he could just as easily say the same thing about you digging your heels in?

He is a musician, it is a notoriously unstable life and you say he has already played with an international act and therefore must have been away before so this idea cannot be a complete surprise to you. Fretting about visas and repeating several times your doubts about being able to get visas as a family is a red herring at this point. If he gets offered a job and can get a visa sorted, then you will be able to travel with him although not necessarily work. If he can't get a visa, then it isn't going to happen for him or you.

You keep talking about devestating your children and how they wouldn't cope. Why would that happen if they went with him? And why wouldn't you go as a family all other things being equal? Your children are very young, they will be just as happy in the US as here, especially if you have family there. If he gets a job offer, I think you should give some serious thought to going with him.

Tbh, people who have an activity they really love or particular activities cannot be compared to those who have ordinary jobs.
Regardless, many go away for extended periods for their jobs.
Long distance lorry drivers, servicemen, oil rig workers.
Footballers relocate all the time.
But not only.

I think that your family should consider carefully all options, actually as your oh seems to be doing, unlike you did.

If he goes, any options for you will be tough, and for him probably too.

Op,
You essentially forced him into making a theoretical decision on the basis of our own insecurities, when there is absolutely no job on the horizon at all, just the wistful longing of a middle aged bloke in a band.

A middle aged bloke in a band, who, let's remember, has already left one international band and come home to the uk because he missed his kids.

He isn't going anywhere.

Not unless you chase him there with your constant needy insistence that he makes up his mind here and now about a situation that is unlikely ever to arise.

Get some perspective and let the man dream. He's not going anywhere.

But you know, you could always encourage him and help him fulfil his dream and make it a huge family adventure, if you wanted to. It won't just come up out of the blue.

What are you afraid of?

A 2 and a 5 yo can be schlepped wherever you want them and you can have a whale of a time.

And yes, I've spent plenty of time away from dh, both in the uk and out of it. With the 3 kids. I could understand your anxiety if the situation was even a possibility, but you forced the man to make a decision about nothing. I've spent plenty of time worrying when dh is away (or going away), but your dh isn't even going anywhere.

You are being melodramatic and hysterical about nothing. A situation you engineered yourself.

Let it go.

Your other thread mentions your DH's devotion to his job and that it takes up all his time. This issue of him wanting to work in Nashville seems to be related in that it's about him giving up everything, even his family life, to pursue his music career.

It looks like you have two choices: you either accept that you married a man who is passionately devoted to his music career, that he earns an income from it and that unfortunately means he is away a lot and his music comes first. OR you decide that he is no longer the right man for you and not a good enough father for your children and then start looking at a divorce. If you wanted a dad for your kids who works 9-5 and is home every night then a working musician was the wrong choice. It's just not that kind of career. The issue of moving to the US is hypothetical for now. Focus on whether you can accept the career path your husband has chosen in life and, if you can and you want him to be happy, then work around it as best you can to make family life work.

Re visas for the US: I've just moved to the US with my DH who got his dream job here working for a company he has idolized for years. He is on a H1B, and his company will apply for a green card for him as soon as possible. I'm on a H4, which is a spouse visa which means that I'm not allowed to be employed or to seek work. That means that my career is on hold for now but DS is only 4 months anyway so it suits for me right now. Long term, if we get our green card approved then I'll be able to work. If I did want to return to work sooner than that, a company here could always sponsor me for a H1B in my own right although they would have to prove that an American couldn't do my job (in theory - a lot of companies get around this). So there's no obvious reason why you wouldn't be able to go with him to the US for a couple of years anyway.

Actually, having read your last post, I think you just enjoy the drama. Or you have longstanding insecurities which really would benefit from counselling before they destroy your family.

He. Isn't. Going. Anywhere.

There is no law to lay down.

There is no highway. There is no his way.

You are fretting yourself into nonsense about nothing.

Just let it go and get on with your real life, the one that actually is going to happen. The whole visa discussion is utterly pointless, as is the angsting about devastated children.

Why on earth did you make him decide about a dream? It isn't real!

Poor bloke.

We're in Brisbane, Australia on a whim too. My dc are 8 and 6 and it seemed much too good an opportunity to miss out on. (ie first mentioned coming over in mid November, told we were going Dec 21st, arrived Jan 21st!)

The children have loved the experience - going to school here, living in a different kind of world, plus when we go home they suddenly seem exotic and exciting to their friends.

At 5 and 2 they don't need all that much 'stability'. But they do need you to be happy. Why not talk - properly and genuinely to each other. Set a time limit if that makes you feel more comfortable.

We were both very clear that we needed to return in time for high school. As it happens, we're both ready to come home now, but we have to wait another 12 months.

Importantly for us it was a matter of regret. We knew we'd regret not trying more than coming and going home again.

Going to Nashville to live a life that would be essentially that of an unhappy single mother without even family and friends around would be a recipe for misery.

It's one thing to go together on a whim or for the sake of a H's career when it's all the same to you whether you work or not, or when you have a definite plan to return, and especially when two people have talked respectfully about the plan and what each will be gaining and losing because of the move, and when they realise that they will need to be extra supportive of each other as they adjust.

It's another thing completely to go to the US with a workaholic, with huge doubts about the whole idea, with resentment at being dictated to (his dream is more important than yours, essentially), resentment at having the goalposts moved (the dream may now take place in Nashville instead of locally), and insecurities about the groupies, and the feeling that the OP is just not being listened to.

I think I'd just try to cross that bridge when I came to it, honey. :)

OP, in the nicest possible way - just stop!

You're panicking.

Unnecessarily.

It's all hypothetical at this stage. And will be until at least June. Use the time before then to do research into visas, schooling, etc. so you know the facts if a job offer ever does materialise.

And even if he did get a job in the US he has only said he would consider it, not that he would definitely take it and screw the rest of you.

Personally, I think a spell in the US would be well worth you considering (and I'm 99% sure you could go too, although you might not be able to work - I used to work with US expats). My DH spent 6 months in San Francisco when he was 4 because his Dad was sent to the US on a secondment, and he remembers it clearly and with great happiness.

Don't spoil the good thing you have now with all this pointless speculation.

Agree totally with outof

" So the up shot is i either lay down the law and make him unhappy and risk loosing him or i stand by and let him pursue his dreams which will cause me huge anxiety. Im still at a loss to be honest as to what course of action to take."

You don't know which course of action to choose out of making him unhappy or dealing with your own anxiety?

Is "standing by" and letting him pursue his dreams really the best you can manage?

No support? pride in his obvious talent? delight at his achievements?

Just resentful griping? That's your best offer?

If DH's reaction to my success was to "lay down the law" and tell me that in choosing him and our children I had chosen a life of putting his insecurity ahead of my own dreams and ambitions, I would grow to hate him.

You sound incredibly bossy and inflexible and a real misery.

I don't really understand some of the posts here. The OP says that they had issues previously, found middle ground and moved on. Also that her dh gave up working with an international band to spend time with his children. I understand the concerns about the Nashville thing, but really don't know why the OP thinks her dh is planning to walk out on her, when he doesn't appear to be saying that at all - he thinks that they can work things out, and might even be right. Getting a visa to work in the States is very hard, but if he is a good enough musician to qualify then his dependents will be able to go with him. It certainly seems worth exploring whether or not it is possible, so that if the opportunity did arise you both know the pros and cons.

We emigrated because of dh's dream and I know a few families that have done the same. Some have had periods of being separated too. I wouldn't pretend that it's easy but if managed well it can be done without devastation to anyone.

The bottom line though is that you and your dh need to have a constructive conversation about what the future might hold for you as a family, and what options you both can cope with.

Perhaps he's reaching a make or break moment. Honestly the experience for all of you, if it ever happened, would be amazing. Look into visas. America really is the land of the free, people are welcoming and warm.

I don't get this at all

He hasn't got a job, but is a serious musician and could have the chance of a lifetime, and you don't support him because you don't 'think' you could get a visa.

Why do you not want to go, really? I'm not saying his reasons for going are more important than yours for staying, but you've not given a solid reason for not supporting him and trying a new life/ few months in the US. Your kids are so young i doubt they'd bat an eyelid at emigtrating, or i don't expect they'd be scarred for life by it.

You're reasoning makes no sense to me - I don't get this 'lay down the law' make or break situation. Has he said he'd leave you and the boys and your marriage ie. a separation if this job arose? If so, what's he staying for now, if you have have no solid relationship??

I think the potential job in the US is the least of your worries, you need to sort your relationship out.....

Hi Imperial - No it's not me I'm still here as Tuppeny
have been meaning to come back to say hello for ages. But I shan't hijack this thread!
OP I feel your pain as I am with a musician who travels regularly and that's tough in itself but I think you feel betrayed by your DH's point of view. Some posters are being quite harsh on you but they are right in that you are making a problem before there is one. Bide your time. Good luck.

Can just see another thread:

'Been offered the once in a lifetime/ best job of my career in US and wife refuses to consider it with no explanation....'

I think it depends on what sort of relationship you have and what kind of person your dh is actually. I guess the reason most people are saying that you should go for it feel secure in thinking their dh would want the family to be included and part of his dream, you don't seem to feel that. I suppose you need to consider if that is because of your nature generally, or because of how your dh is towards you. Do you feel part of his life, or do you feel like an inconvenience?

ive been to nashville many times

i would bite someone's hand off to have the opportunity to live and work there. OP if you hold someone back, they will resent you forever for it, even if they never say you

you cant spoil someone elses hopes and dreams just because you dont fancy it

support him, dream with him

btw have you ever seen the film Walk the Line, fabulous film about the life of Johnny Cash - he had exactly the same issues with his first wife (didnt work out well btw)

There is an explanation though. It's not a question of a wife who won't go and won't say why.

There are the possible groupies and the influence of the bachelor brother who regales the H with stories of his charmed life, and the worry that part of the attraction of Nashville and the music scene there is that aspect of it.

It is hard to include the family in the dream when you are away on gigs or playing with the band at night while your family is at home, with the children going to school and the wife sitting home watching tv night after night and maybe even day after day because she knows no-one, can't work, can't drive/doesn't have a car/doesn't know where to go anyway even if she had one.

'You cant spoil someone else's hopes and dreams just because you don't fancy it.
Support him, dream with him'

Why are people saying the dream of one person in a marriage should take precedence over the dream the other has?
Why does he get to say, in essence, that he doesn't fancy the OP's dream so he could spoil it if he wanted?
Why does she have to dream his dream?
What about her own dream and why has no-one expressed any interest in it?
Is it because he is a man so his priority can be elsewhere, and presumably she has everything a woman should be dreaming about (husband and children)?

What if her dream is to have a three bedroom semi close to her friends and family, to go around and have a chat with friends and have them over to her house, to stay in her part time job and have the satisfaction of a paycheque, to see her children go to school in a familiar school system?

There are musicians in my family, who've toured and been internationally successful. Those who prioritise wife & family didn't play along with the groupie stuff (I believe this) and had the family over to visit them as often as possible. They share some fantastic memories from those times. As with everything else, the danger isn't in the opportunity but what a person does with it.

Killkenny, you've implied that you're scared of him moving away from you emotionally (living the bachelor high life) but not really answered other posts asking whether you've got reasons not to trust him. I can't help feeling it's unreasonable to block someone's chances for fear of what might happen to you.

Math, I disagree with your post at 18:36 on the basis that OP married a musician with dreams of going to Nashville. If that is no longer who she wants to be married to, the issue's bigger than a summer gig in America.

What if her dream is to have a three bedroom semi ...

Nobody's saying she can't. But if she wants a partner home at 6pm every evening and all weekend, the one she's with doesn't fit the bill.

You might be right math, but the OP has said none of what you have posted. I guess we all extrapolate, but the OP has not said why she is so afraid by the prospect of an opportunity that may never happen. She has not said that she loves her current life and it's all she dreams for (in which case marrying a dedicated musician was possibly not the best move). Nor has she said that she doesn't trust her husband with the temptation of groupies (a much much bigger issue regardless of the Nashville thing). I am sure that there are some very good arguments why she is unhappy with the prospect, but she hasn't given them here, and possibly she hasn't really discussed them with her dh either.

I would feel exactly the same op i dont know what i would do in this situation