DH wants to work in the USA and will go without us

[Killkenny4]

Hi i posted here in January and felt the advice was excllent. I had mentiioned that my husband is a musician and practically a workaholic. Any ways due to the advice received we found some middle ground and i was delighted with this. By the way we have two ds. He used to work with an international act but gave it up to be at home with the boys. When he used to be away he used to be so lonely. Anyways lately he has being talking alot about his dream of playing in Nashville. He plays with a good band now and at times he deps in other bands. He just does the depping for extra cash but always stated that if he had to play with such bands on a full time basis he would be depressed. As he was talking about Nasville quiet a bit i asked him would he ever consider working there and he said yes. I asked is he going to pursue this and he said if he was offered a job he would give it strong consideration and if his current band was to cease he would defnitely look for a job and really consider going.

I am devestated by this. Even though there is no job on offer i feel his considreration of doing this such a betrayal. I have told him i love him and would be devestated for our children They would be inconsolable without him in their life. He simply fails to see that they and i would be devestated and is persisting that will have to give this strong consideration. I am so hurt how couild i be married to a man that would put walk out on his family in order to follow his own dreams. He keeps saying it would work but how can you be a dad and husband and live in america. Even though this is actually not even happening now i cant believe he would think this scenario is even an option.
How could he even think of doing this.I am totally disgusted by him, it is having a shocking effect on my opinion of him. I am begginning to have hatefull thoughts and cant see a way back.

Help me.

Theone, would you have dreamt up the scenario to beat him over the head with and demanded an answer in the first place though?

If there was a real job, and a real decision, and a real choice to be made, I'm sure we'd all help the op with it.

But there isn't.

Her imagination has run away with her. He hadn't even suggested trying to get a job in nashville. She did, and then she caused a row because of it, demanding that he make a hypothetical decision about a remote what if that she had just dreamt up. The bloke was completely blindsided and obviously thrown into a panic. It wasn't even something he'd even thought about. And people are blaming him for the family splitting up, and children being devastated, and even (apparently) shagging billions of groupies whether or not she moves to Nashville for a non existent job.

Funny old world.

Presumably the fact that she hasn't been back means she woke up and sobered up, and realized that she'd caused a huge marital row about feck all. Hopefully she even apologized for being melodramatic.

So he hasnt actually got a job in nashville?

No! He's got a couple of weeks of work in Nashville lined up in June. Nothing permanent. He does have a permanent job with a band here in the UK (and the time in June is with his permanent band, who are recording an album in Nashville).

If I was the op I'd be booking my June holiday. She said on the other thread there's loads of travelling they want to do. Nashville in June with a week tagged on to his work for a family holiday sounds like a perfect place to start.

I don't think that you've made it clear why exactly you are so against even looking into the idea of going with him if he was to go to the US?

My BIL is looking to move to the US for his career and my SIL and two kids are looking to go with him. They feel that it will be good for them as a family to allow BIL to progress his career and SIL doesn't really have a job she likes (is temping) and the kids are young enough to move school systems (8 and 4).

To be honest, i'd hate it if my DH suddenly upped and went abroad but if he got a work offer abroad we'd talk about all the options - him going, us all going, nobody going... sounds like you won't even consider all going and he won't consider nobody going so you sound as bad as each other to me.

I think the OP has mentioned her insecurity in the face of groupies, the bachelor life of the H's brother in Nashville, and the fact that her H talks a lot about going there, after she maybe thought the idea of long separation from him due to music or moving with the family to follow him was already settled at the point where he gave up his international touring band and returned to the home base to be close to his family. That was the gist of it iirc -- that the H has got ants in his pants and is proposing turning their lives upside down after she thought he was settled, albeit a workaholic, at home where they are and with the family as his first priority.

I do think the insecurities need to be examined because for one thing, a H who works full time outside of the home is going to be working with women whether in the music industry or anywhere else, and for another, there doesn't seem to have been any incident mentioned that made her think her insecurity was justified. Plus no matter where they are, unwarranted insecurity is very corrosive and hard for the other partner to deal with. (Insecurity that has a basis in the behaviour of the other partner is a different kettle of fish).