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Original poster

DH wants to work in the USA and will go without us

82 replies

Killkenny4 · 10/02/2012 18:12

Hi i posted here in January and felt the advice was excllent. I had mentiioned that my husband is a musician and practically a workaholic. Any ways due to the advice received we found some middle ground and i was delighted with this. By the way we have two ds. He used to work with an international act but gave it up to be at home with the boys. When he used to be away he used to be so lonely. Anyways lately he has being talking alot about his dream of playing in Nashville. He plays with a good band now and at times he deps in other bands. He just does the depping for extra cash but always stated that if he had to play with such bands on a full time basis he would be depressed. As he was talking about Nasville quiet a bit i asked him would he ever consider working there and he said yes. I asked is he going to pursue this and he said if he was offered a job he would give it strong consideration and if his current band was to cease he would defnitely look for a job and really consider going.

I am devestated by this. Even though there is no job on offer i feel his considreration of doing this such a betrayal. I have told him i love him and would be devestated for our children They would be inconsolable without him in their life. He simply fails to see that they and i would be devestated and is persisting that will have to give this strong consideration. I am so hurt how couild i be married to a man that would put walk out on his family in order to follow his own dreams. He keeps saying it would work but how can you be a dad and husband and live in america. Even though this is actually not even happening now i cant believe he would think this scenario is even an option.
How could he even think of doing this.I am totally disgusted by him, it is having a shocking effect on my opinion of him. I am begginning to have hatefull thoughts and cant see a way back.

Help me.

OP posts:
PosiePumblechook · 10/02/2012 20:31

Each summer bar this I've spent 6-8 weeks with my dcs in another country whilst DH stayed here, they missed him a bit and he is a really hands on Dad.

Sparks1 · 10/02/2012 20:31

Plenty of families have one parent who works away. It doesn't "devastate" the children it just means the dynamics change.

HDS it's relevant because it should offer some perspective.

The language being used is melodramatic.

I'd also say the OP's OH job was never going to lead to a stable work foundation that never required movement of some sort. It's hardly the most "regular" of vocations.

garlicfrother · 10/02/2012 20:32

Just going by your posts to this thread, I think you may be in danger of losing him unless you wise up a bit. Blocking your partner's dreams because they sound inconvenient to you is a pretty awful thing. Let's say he was offered a longish gig in the summer and he turned it down because of your devastation; how much would he come to resent that in time?

The families of musicians who tour abroad visit them when possible - it's very exciting for all concerned!

It might be better to support him, and even take this idea a bit further with him by thinking up plans to keep the family together while he lives his dream.

MollieO · 10/02/2012 20:32

He can get a visa, you can visit for an extended period without (can't remember if it is 3 or 6 months). You seem very dismissive without having done any investigation on the practicalities.

PosiePumblechook · 10/02/2012 20:33

Unless your dcs are 9yrs or above I would take them, the experience would be amazing.

oikopolis · 10/02/2012 20:35

He can work in America as an entertainer/musician on a special visa, which is easier to get provided he has a demonstrable history as a pro musician. And it sounds like he does.

You could definitely go with him. You might not be permitted to work while there, but it's very very rare indeed for a person to be granted a visa and their immediate family not to get family visas.

I must admit you do sound quite hysterical. There's really no need. You can go with him if that would work better for your family.

When you marry a musician, this comes with the territory... you can't really be angry with him for wanting to do something that most musicians spend their entire careers working up to...

Original poster
Killkenny4 · 10/02/2012 20:42

my sons are five and two, yes i work but partime. I think i would go but isnt that unrealistic to even consider it as i dont think the family would get a visa

OP posts:
Original poster
Killkenny4 · 10/02/2012 20:48

my sons are five and two, yes i do work

OP posts:
kodachrome · 10/02/2012 20:55

At 5 and 2 they're very portable Grin. Look into it properly, stop reacting without knowing the possibilities.

ImperialBlether · 10/02/2012 21:00

Did you post as Tuppenny, OP?

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 10/02/2012 21:02

If this is a lifelong dream for him then I assume you maried him knowing this? I think you are being rather selfish and obstructive OP, do some research and you may find you can turn this to a positive for the family.

Unless there is a glaring reason you don't think a visa would be possible?

Original poster
Killkenny4 · 10/02/2012 21:07

sorry i missed out on some of the above posts while putting ds to bed. Thanks for your time i know everyone is right it will come back to bite me on the ass if im so against his dreams, i suppose im just coming to terms with this and the real possibilty that it could happen. He will probably look at the possibilty of this when he is there in june and i will have to at least explore it. Im terrified of change for me and the kids and be really afraid we would loose him for good as i know he would absolutley love it there. Pardon the pun but i suppose i will have to face the music.

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 10/02/2012 21:12

I worked at a school on an army base where every child had at least one parent who was away for months at a time. They were just normal children and not devastated at all.

Anyway, three years ago my dh took a job in Australia, without telling me. Confused he is not a terrible person but he got a bit carried away when he was offered it. He has always wanted us to live in Australia. I did not want to move to Australia. I had a normal life. My dc were 5 and 2 and my dd had started school just a few weeks earlier.

I did not want to break up my marriage, and like I said my dh is generally lovely! He desperately wanted to live in Australia. The job he had hastily accepted would be an amazing step for his career. He would have resented me forever if I had put a stop to it all.

So I came and we have been here for three years. I don't like it here but it's ok. There are people in far worse situations. My girls are having an amazing experience that some people would give their right arm for.

Original poster
Killkenny4 · 10/02/2012 21:23

Wow a really brave move do you have any feelings of resentment towards your dh.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 10/02/2012 21:26

Would you really want him to turn down a chance like that?

He's a musician, that's who you married.

Surely you could support his dreams rather than expect him to give them up for you?

savoycabbage · 10/02/2012 21:50

Yes because this is not where I want to be. But he has as much right as I do to live the life he wants to live. He wants to live here and I want to live there. Why is what I want more important than what he wants? We are a couple. It's not like I'm in PNG or Afghanistan. And it has been the right thing for his career I think.

mathanxiety · 10/02/2012 21:51

If you have no-one in Nashville then do not go. If you think having a workaholic husband is tough to cope with in your own native land with friends and family around, imagine how horrible it would feel without any of that support.

Right now your boys have their mother and their familiar surroundings. If you pulled up your roots and followed your H to Nashville you would never see him as he seems to be the sort of person who lets his 'passion' consume him. You and the boys would always come second. While he was off doing his thing you would be stuck 'at home' in a foreign place, like a fish out of water, extremely lonely; you would know no-one and not be a part of the culture, and so would your boys.

Your boys would not only not have a father, they would have a mother who was slowly losing her mind and coping with far too much.

Please, for your own sake and for your children, stay where you are if you are able to afford it or if you could get a job. Your boys need a mum who is strong and supported and living in her own familiar community. There are far worse things for boys than not having a father in their lives and they are dealing with that anyway.

Original poster
Killkenny4 · 10/02/2012 21:52

i know your right but were 8 years married and this is the first time he said that he would pursue this so its a bit of a shock. Even though i knew he was always interested in Nashville we at no point discussed that he would pursue this. I know your right, i just have to be brave. I'm an insecure person and would be afraid i would loose him. His brother is there and is young free and single and we often have a good laugh at his bachelor life style which involves constant women with groupies etc so any wife would have her concerns. Despite that i can put aside my insecuritiesnad my biggest worries are my children. However all of the posts are basically saying the same thing that it is selfish to stop him. I know this and it helps that others have pointed this out i just have to be brave i guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Killkenny4 · 10/02/2012 22:00

well if it works for ye savoycabbage congrats to you for having such a healthy mind and great understanding. Did you think this way from the outset or did you eventually come to think as you are now. Did you go through any feelings of anger at him?

OP posts:
Original poster
Killkenny4 · 10/02/2012 22:01

Yes math anxiety i would have to really take that into account if this were to arise

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 10/02/2012 22:11

It is not one bit selfish to stop him. It is selfish of him to think three other people can just be schlepped half way round the world like suitcases and then dumped and expected to get on with it while he loses himself in his 'dream'.

Believe me, your presence in Nashville would not stop a wandering eye or any other wandering body part, and it would not stop the sort of fans who have a thing for the guys in the band. If he is going to do that, he is going to do that, and it would happen wherever you are. Plus what was said upthread by SmilesThroughGrittedTeeth about the amount of touring in faraway cities and maybe for extended gigs is true.

Go and get some help for your insecurities and your fears of losing him, some counselling. It seems to me that you really need to try to understand why you have anything to do with this man who is basically unavailable to you emotionally because he has a passion that comes first, and he is not available to you as a partner in the raising of your children either because of his workaholism, turning his back on the rewards that home offers in favour of feeding his ego elsewhere. Would you put up with any other sort of obsession, like gambling?

Then dig in your heels and tell him he needs to put you and the children first and that he needs to come up with a more realistic plan wrt his passion than the Nashville one. It would have to take you and your happiness into account to be truly workable.

Original poster
Killkenny4 · 10/02/2012 22:24

oh god i really dont know my own mind maybe i do need some counselling as what math anxiety said has been my gut reaction however there was such a wave of negativity against that from everyone else here that i felt then maybe i was wrong. The general trend here is that if i go against his dreams and not consider them with him then i will pay the price in other ways. Math anxiety i have been thinking exactly what you said and i have told him this but i have not being able to make him see how selfish he is. I have taken this road and i have got no where.

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 10/02/2012 22:26

I f you are basically being told that it's his way or the highway, then that is not a happy way to live.

squeakytoy · 10/02/2012 22:33

I would jump at the chance to experience an amazing opportunity like that if it was my dream. I would not stop my husband from doing it if it was his dream and he got a chance either. I would be on that plane and over there with him.

The UK will still be here for you to come back to afterwards... and your kids will have had a fantastic opportunity to live in the USA too..

You never know, you may even enjoy it there. I love America and would love to move there.

Sparks1 · 10/02/2012 22:37

I've seen some wine induced shite in my time but fecking hell...

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