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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

i think he's seeing someone else again

57 replies

gravity · 23/01/2006 15:42

says it all really huh?

many of you will probably say you fucking idiot gravity for staying in the first place and thinking he was worth it.

he's always on his phone, texting, going out all the time ( for work apparently, our businesses makes this so bloody possible)grumpy at me, not trying anymore, angry at me the list goes on.

i cant talk to him, he is so horrible. i feel like such a loser for being here.

OP posts:
mazzystar · 23/01/2006 15:44

Don't beat yourself up.

Decide to take some positive action.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 23/01/2006 15:44

Oh gravity you are not the loser - he is.

If he cant see what he's got in you then he's the one who has lost out. There is nothing wrong or sad or demeaning about trusting someone.

It just happens that he doesnt deserve your trust.

Have you asked him outright?

Original poster
gravity · 23/01/2006 15:46

once a liar always a liar... i think he can lie to me like he believes it

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 23/01/2006 15:47

so what's he said?

Original poster
gravity · 23/01/2006 15:49

of course not babe, i wouldnt hurt you like that again...... on a nice day

on a what seems normal lately day...... ffs here we go again

OP posts:
wannaBe1974 · 23/01/2006 15:56

Gravity I don't know the exact details of your situation but what I'd suggest is that you try and get some evidence to back up your suspicians. Intercept his phone while he's in the shower perhaps and look at his texts .. that sort of thing. If he is seeing someone else and he thinkgs you already suspect, then he may try to cover his tracks, so the thing to do is to lead him to believe all is still well and then to gather enough evidence to confront him with before you do it. If you have no actual evidence then he can constantly say that nothing is going on, and, if per chance he isn't actually seeing someone else, then it could just drive him away because you don't trust him.

good luck

MrsMiggins · 23/01/2006 19:18

dont know what to say but wanted to send you support

all I know from what others have said is that if they are truely sorry & willing to make the marriage work, he should be a bit more concerned about your lack of trust and want to work on it

so sorry you're going through heartache still

Bugsy2 · 23/01/2006 20:21

gravity, so sorry to hear that you are having a tough time again. Don't say, let alone think, that you are a loser - you are not. If he is messing around with someone else, then he is at fault not you.
Can you get any concrete proof - could you check his phone or emails?

Abirosie · 23/01/2006 20:24

Hire i PI if you can afford it doll.

maturer · 24/01/2006 11:12

gravity- was wondering how you were as not heard from you for a while. So sorry you think he's cheating again and even if he's not his actions after what has happened are leading you to believe he is so he's not doing anything to make you feel secure and trust him again.
Honey you can't go one living like that- it eats you up inside. In my opinion you have to talk to him tell him what you suspect and why. Your relationship is not right at the moment and if he seriously wants to make it work he has to put some effort in to putting right what he made wrong.
Men are evry good at lying- even to their closest friend. My dh, after the affair came out- promised me he was having no contact what so ever with HER - I knew- some where inside things were still not right- turns out my instincts were spot on- he was still seeing her and looking me in the eye swearing he wasn't!
It took him counselling to get hishead straight and realsie just what he was doing to me.
He lied at the time to protect himself- he didn't want to lose me but he wanted her too- have your cake and eat it type thing and in his mind at the time - what I didn't know couldn't hurt me. However it did - as my instincts were right he couldn't hide this other life from me!
If he won't talk to you- won't do counselling or even recognise you are both still in trouble then I'm sorry but you have some hard decisions to make- not caused by you- but brought about by his behaviour.
I think you must bring this to a head- try to do it calmly and not getting upset (impossible I Know) buit to live in limbo not knowing , alwys suspecting is a waste of your life- this isn't a rehearsal, we only get the one chance at life make the most of it. If he's chosen to opt out then you move on , you deserve so much better!

Original poster
gravity · 24/01/2006 15:01

i,m going to be sick..... he just came home late again..... this is so silly but he had a long blonde hair on his back. i started crying. he yelled at me and walked off.

i cant do this if he's deeing someine again... i cantg

OP posts:
maturer · 24/01/2006 15:07

is he denying he's sseeing someone? what's he yelling?
You must talk to each other- you need to know the truth one way or the other.
Is it possible to get someone to look after the children and you to get some time away?+

madmarchhare · 24/01/2006 15:07

I dont know all the details from before, and its easy for me to sit here and say 'you should do this/that' but really, you owe it to yourself.

What do you want from life? I can guess its not to be treated like this. Do something about it.

Kids?, show them how strong you are, dont them them see you destroyed by this useless excuse of a man.

Radley · 24/01/2006 15:10

YES YOU CAN GRAVITY, we don't NEED men, we love them, want them sometimes but certainly don't NEED them, you have given him children and you have looked after them from day 1, you have already forgiven him once, so that proves how stong you are. You may feel your heart is breaking at the minute, but you WILL get through this, you need to find out once and for all, and if he is, kick him out, concentrate on you and your children and lean on your friends for support, and once you are feeling better, you will find a man who values you for what you are

Original poster
gravity · 24/01/2006 15:11

he just doesnt care anymore.... he talks to me only briefly, he wants nothing more, he just talks like i'm a bit og ditr..... i habe tried so hard to fix this...

OP posts:
maturer · 24/01/2006 15:15

yes you have gravity but it takes two- if he's given up then you need to look out for you and the kids- as others say get tough ,ask him to leave you need some space at the very least.

You are strong you will get through this please look at all the others who have been through this- I kniow your heart is breaking but for yourself and your children make things happen- you can't live like this (you never know your dh may just need a sharp injection of reality- making appointments to see your children, living in a bedsit by yourself- that's the reality for mosy men who cheat)
Get some legal advise find out your options- then if you chose to use them you know where you stand.
Wish I was closer to help!

Original poster
gravity · 24/01/2006 15:17

thank you, it slate here. i', going to bed.i'm shaking so hard i cant ecen type,,, i'm sorry

OP posts:
madmarchhare · 24/01/2006 15:20

You cant fix it on your own gravity.

You can however, start to make a better life for you and your children.

madmarchhare · 24/01/2006 15:20

Keep posting...

maturer · 24/01/2006 15:20

get some sleep - try to decide one thing tomorrow and do it (eg see a solicitor, or arrange to talk to him) give yourself an achievable goal so you don't feel totally left in limbo- you are in control - he cheated not you- it's your choice now. Thinking of you, take care honey.

madmarchhare · 24/01/2006 15:21

another time, I dont mean now .

Bugsy2 · 24/01/2006 15:32

Oh Gravity, you sound so upset. I hope you can sleep. Doesn't sound like he is being at all understanding and possibly he is shouting because he is defensive and has something to hide.
Big hugs to you.

MistressMiggins · 24/01/2006 15:34

oh gravity
hope you're ok

you HAVE tried but you cant make yourself ill or put yourself through it again

perhaps maturer's right - ask him to leave - tell him you cant live with him if he's going to treat you so badly
if he was home late & then just shouted at you with no good explanation then you dont need that

cant work out what time it is for you over in Oz but I'll be back later around 9pm here and again tom am

please talk to us
please look after yourself

think of how you were there for me and others and give yourself the same strength and advice

take care xxx

Deceived · 24/01/2006 17:19

Hi Gravity

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Hope you are ok. Is there anyone there you can confide in and can be there for you.

Trust your instincts as they are usually right. Don't be put off by his bullying as unfortunately it just means he probably has something to hide. Men are very good at being able to treat an affair as separate to their everyday life and trying to carry on a normal

Do you have any mutual friends who would be able to tell you if you had anything to worry about?

barmybird · 24/01/2006 21:07

Oh gravity. As someone who is still going through this I can only say trust your instincts. I too have forgiven my cheating husband only to be cheated on again. I have taken the hard decision and I am divorcing him. Yes its hard at the moment and life can be very lonely (we have a 3 yr old dd) but in some ways I feel at peace for having taken control of the situation and closing the door on a marriage which I knew could not work.

Take care of yourself and your children, gather your friends around you and use mumsnet. I found additional help by getting a very good and supportive solicitor and I have an excellent counsellor who is helping me rebuild myself. You are worth so much more than this.

If you still have any doubts about your husband try and stay calm and collect your evidence, in my experience give men enough rope and they will hang themselves.