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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

been planning to leave and dh just found all my packing!

95 replies

givemeavodka · 07/02/2012 19:01

Hi have posted before some might remember me. i have dh and 3 young ds.
Unhappy in marraige, dh has been controlling, abusive verbally and financially and text relationship with another women whilst i was pregnant.
i have been planning to leave to begin again in cornwall and going this half term week. with the plan for me to keep up the courage to leave him and stay and make a new life with my ds.
Anyway, today my dh found stuff packed away and has confronted me. i do feel bad not from telling him outright my plans, but did not want anymore arguments or confrontations and I wanted to minimise any impact on my ds's by not telling him before I left. anyway after much digging around on his part he as more or less concluded that i am leaving.
I said that I was planning to as long as I have the courage to do so as I feel so quilty for leaving him and taking the children and I do not want to upset him and I feel awful for going.
This evening he has been a mixture of first crying and being upset and pleading with me to stay and work it out. Then a little angry by saying things like ' I won't get to teach ds to ride a bike' basically he is trying to turn things around. Now I feel awful. Part of me is beginning to give in again as I do genuinally feel sorry for him and I hate to see him so hurt.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 07/02/2012 19:06

Well you need to be apart now....it's never going to work being in the same house ( bitter experience)

redrubyshoes · 07/02/2012 19:09

Does he hate seeing you hurt when he verbally abuses you?

Original poster
givemeavodka · 07/02/2012 19:37

i still plan to leave next week but not sure how its going to pan out till then?
i don't expect he does hate seeing me hurt when he has said nasty things in the past, i imagine he is just angryu

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 07/02/2012 19:42

If you are going to leave.. leave now. Now that he knows, it makes you a lot less safe. Please believe me on that one.

neuroticmumof3 · 07/02/2012 19:52

I agree with squeaky, now he knows you're planning to leave your risk of being physically assaulted has gone up and you really should leave asap.

Shakey1500 · 07/02/2012 19:55

I'm afraid I'm with squeaky as well.

My ex also found my stashed suitcase. I didn;t stick around long enough to deal with the aftermath. Please stay safe and all the very best.

AttillaTheMum · 07/02/2012 19:57

If you need support, I am also in Cornwall next week x

Original poster
givemeavodka · 07/02/2012 19:58

i cant leave till next week as planned as my its first 1st ds's birthday its all booked and hes so excited his friends can come. i suppose i could ask a family member to stay?

OP posts:
susiedaisy · 07/02/2012 19:59

Agree with other op's and let someone close to you know about the new turn of events just in case

kodachrome · 07/02/2012 20:01

If he cared about you, he wouldn't have treated you with such disrespect and been abusive towards you. Don't let a few soft words deter you or his crocodile tears make you feel bad.

If anything, advance your plans to go - as others have said, you're at higher risk of him turning violent now.

squeakytoy · 07/02/2012 20:08

A one year old really really will not be excited about a birthday party, they wont. He will not understand it is going to be his birthday.

You have to put your own safety first, and that of your child too.

Once your husband knows you are going, all the time you are there he will be planning on how he can stop you from going. If begging and crying are not getting an effect, there is every chance he will snap if he has a track record of being abusive.

kodachrome · 07/02/2012 20:10

I think it's her eldest ds, not a one year old, squeaky.

PeppermintPasty · 07/02/2012 20:16

I think, if I recall correctly, that you are moving to be near family. Even if you are, I live in Cornwall, and if you need any extra help or support please pm me. Or if you want support outside of the family.

squeakytoy · 07/02/2012 20:18

Apologies, I read that as your DS's 1st birthday party.. even so though, your safety is much more important than a party.. honestly.

HoudiniHissy · 07/02/2012 20:20

This is the most dangerous time. Get out ASAP. Call WA, call the police DV team and get an alert on your address at the very least.

The birthday party maybe something important to your DS, but realistically, you could also be in a lot of real danger. I'd rather miss a party, lose money than be featuring on the local news as one of the 2 women killed a week by their partners.

There is no going back, get out now. Stay out. Don't fall for a word that falls from his lips.

They ALL cry when they need to.

BayPolar · 07/02/2012 20:21

I think she said she might get family to come and stay until she leaves. This would be a good compromise.
Good luck, it sounds like you are doing the right thing, and I'm sure your children would rather learn to ride a bike in a happy atmosphere, and not one where there mother is constantly unhappy.

You are moving to such a pretty part of the UK.

Original poster
givemeavodka · 07/02/2012 20:26

sorry its my eldest birthday 6th birthday

OP posts:
JugglingWithSnowballs · 07/02/2012 20:30

Perhaps you could get family member over to stay - could always say it was to be there for birthday celebrations ? Others may well be right that you may need to take some action to keep safe and reasonably happy for you and DCs. All the best x

Lueji · 07/02/2012 22:12

Definitely arrange for someone to stay and leave immediately after.

It's not safe for you.

Be prepared for last resort measures on his part, financially and physically.

Original poster
givemeavodka · 08/02/2012 06:39

Thanks for everyone's posts. I will try and arrange for someone to stay today until next wednesday 15th.
Peppermint and Attila- thank you very much of your offers of support- i might well need them, as im sure i will be doing alot of wavering. Where abouts in Cornwall are you both?
I will see how it goes over the next day or so, but having someone here with me will defineately alter any potential behaviour that he might have.

Its going to be hard telling the ds, 6, 4 and 2 years old, will have to seek advice on how best to go about it. plan to visit schools as well asap when i get down. so much to do. thanks all x

OP posts:
JugglingWithSnowballs · 08/02/2012 17:50

Good luck with everything vodka

We'll be thinking of you Smile

Original poster
givemeavodka · 12/02/2012 07:53

its been awful since, pleading, crying, endlessly trying to get me to stay and pleading to try another councillor. anyway yesterday he was complaining of a pain between his shoulder blades which 'felt like someone had it him with a sledgehammer' and pains down his right arm !!!! anyway he took himself to A&E this morning. and he will be there for 4 hours minimum. He said last night he is was to diagnose himself he would say a heart attack. i came down in the middle of the night to see how he was and if there was anything i could do, he said no, nobody cares anyway. I said yes they do that' i care, his family care and the boys care' he would not let me call a doctor or ambulance so i went back to bed, I came down this morning at 5.45am and found that he had driven himself to A&E.

Sorry to ramble. I feel so guilty even more so now. i guess he has been under alot of stress with me wanting to leave him. AAHHHHH i don't know what to think or do.

OP posts:
cutegorilla · 12/02/2012 07:59

It's left arm not right if it's your heart. He's playing you. I'm sorry. Keep strong.

Lizzabadger · 12/02/2012 08:05

It's just a tactic. Don't fall for it. You need to get out very quickly, now, or at least have someone there with you until you can.

Fiolondon · 12/02/2012 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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