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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

been planning to leave and dh just found all my packing!

95 replies

givemeavodka · 07/02/2012 19:01

Hi have posted before some might remember me. i have dh and 3 young ds.
Unhappy in marraige, dh has been controlling, abusive verbally and financially and text relationship with another women whilst i was pregnant.
i have been planning to leave to begin again in cornwall and going this half term week. with the plan for me to keep up the courage to leave him and stay and make a new life with my ds.
Anyway, today my dh found stuff packed away and has confronted me. i do feel bad not from telling him outright my plans, but did not want anymore arguments or confrontations and I wanted to minimise any impact on my ds's by not telling him before I left. anyway after much digging around on his part he as more or less concluded that i am leaving.
I said that I was planning to as long as I have the courage to do so as I feel so quilty for leaving him and taking the children and I do not want to upset him and I feel awful for going.
This evening he has been a mixture of first crying and being upset and pleading with me to stay and work it out. Then a little angry by saying things like ' I won't get to teach ds to ride a bike' basically he is trying to turn things around. Now I feel awful. Part of me is beginning to give in again as I do genuinally feel sorry for him and I hate to see him so hurt.

OP posts:
FirstUpBestDressed · 12/02/2012 08:07

so sorry that you are in this turmoil.
it is hard not to get distracted and feel torn by this turn of events.
however,it is not coincidental.
he is not in control of you any more, hence his panic.
please try to be strong for yourself and your boys.
you are doing the right thing by leaving but that doesn't mean it is an easy thing to follow through.
good luck

LackaDAISYcal · 12/02/2012 08:09

Just caught your post in active convoy and wanted to lend my support.....hugs to you and strong vibes too!
It sounds like a very stressful situation, but please try and stay strong and remember all the reasons for leaving him that has brought you to this point.
And though I can't know if he is genuine or faking with this health scare, I do seriously doubt he would be able to drive himself if he was having a heart attack. Do you know that he is actually at the hospital?
I really think you need to make your break as soon as possible, but realise your DS's party has tied you there for a few more days. Can you stay with a friend locally until Wednesday? Or even book into a hotel for a few days. Not ideal, I know, but it really does sound like he is doing his utmost to manipulate you into changing your mind, knowing as he does that you do still care about him.
Stay strong x

beckyboo232 · 12/02/2012 08:11

So sorry your in this position, stay strong. It does seem about control and manipulation. Sending suppport

LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 12/02/2012 08:18

Can't you re-arrange the party for somewhere else and stay somewhere else till then? Go now whilst he's gone.

tribpot · 12/02/2012 08:22

If he presented with chest pain at A&E they will need to keep him in for observation and he will probably be told to follow up with GP. That doesn't mean his chest pain is serious (or indeed even real), it's protocol. Don't let it distract you from your goal of getting away - do you have someone staying with you now? It really does sound like you need a buffer between you and him, his behaviour appears to be very manipulative and designed to guilt you into not leaving.

mrspnut · 12/02/2012 08:27

He's trying it on. He can feel his control over you slipping away and so he is trying the range of manipulation techniques on you.

He's done the emotional stuff, he's told you he'll get counselling and neither of those worked so now he's trying to convince you that he's seriously ill. Next he'll be wearing clothes two sizes too big so he can show you how much weight he's lost with the stress.

Ignore him, the same as you would ignore a tantrumming toddler. If you haven't already done so, please call women's aid and the domestic abuse officer at the police for some support whilst you are leaving.

Original poster
givemeavodka · 12/02/2012 08:27

thanks for your replies. yes i have called A&E and he is there. i will call again shortly for an update. it might all well be a ploy to keep here, but then again it might be genuine! either way its bloody hard.

I don't have anyone here yet. I will see if i can get my brother to come up

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 12/02/2012 08:30

He is human, at some point over the next 40 years, he'll get sick - however, you have decided you're not the one to care for him anymore, would you change your mind and come back to look after him in 5, 10 years? No? then don't change your mind now.

Leave as soon as you can, don't waste any more of your life with this man.

tribpot · 12/02/2012 08:32

There really is no need to call, and I think it could send the wrong signal to him if you appear to be checking up on him. He was well enough to drive himself there, they will be monitoring him as a precaution and there probably will be no other news.

Please get some support for yourself, you still have days to get through and he now knows your exact timetable, so knows exactly how much to escalate to keep the pressure building. It would be a lot, lot better for you not to be in the house with him already.

Flisspaps · 12/02/2012 08:57

givemeavodka

"I said that I was planning to as long as I have the courage to do so as I feel so quilty for leaving him and taking the children and I do not want to upset him and I feel awful for going.

And THIS is what he is now using against you to try to manipulate you into staying. I would take the opportunity to leave NOW whilst he's busy in the hospital, birthday party or not.

Northernlurker · 12/02/2012 09:07

It's not a heart attack. He'll be back soon and I expect he'll be angry because he sees how his control of you and the children is slipping. YOu MUST have somebody with you.

Thumbwitch · 12/02/2012 09:11

IF there is anything actually wrong with him it's likely to be gall bladder or indigestion. WOMEN can have pain down either arm with a heart attack situation/angina, but men it's usually the left arm.

The hospital will keep him long enough to check him for blood work and an ECG, and then he'll be sent home.

I'd leave ASAP, actually. Because if he comes home and there's any sort of discussion along the lines of him putting it on, manipulating you, being a hypochondriac or anything else derogatory to him, things could get ugly.

Original poster
givemeavodka · 12/02/2012 09:28

thanks everyone. i have to call the A&E back in 45 mins has is is having an x ray and blood tests. i guess i will have a better picture then.

i certaintly won't mention that he may have been putting it on. i guess you never really know what people are capable of when they are desperate.
I will try and see if i can get anyone to stay with me in the meanwhile. thanks all for your support xx

OP posts:
LovesBeingWearingSkinnyJeans · 12/02/2012 09:42

I agree tgat he will be mad because it hasn't worked.

tribpot · 12/02/2012 10:00

Why do you have to call, givemeavodka? Will they be deciding whether to admit him after those tests? Are you speaking to him about this or someone involved in his care? I only ask because you should assume nothing about what you're hearing.

If he is to be admitted, can someone else take his stuff to the hospital?

Flisspaps · 12/02/2012 10:24

tribpot I was also wondering the same thing. I'd not call, I'd be off. Then again, calling A&E will confirm if there is anything wrong or swinging the lead (which I suspect) rather than him just coming back and saying X Y and Z are wrong and he's going to need medication and stress is to be avoided...

Lueji · 12/02/2012 14:41

I agree with the others that you should leave before he is back.

If he felt it was a heart attack he would have called 999.

My ex threatened to kill himself after I left. Not surprisingly, he didn't.

Lizzabadger · 12/02/2012 18:07

You are getting sucked in again. Stop calling A&E and concentrate on getting yourself safe and out.

LackaDAISYcal · 12/02/2012 18:11

How are things vodka?

Theyremybiscuits · 12/02/2012 18:19

Vodka my STBX also threatened suicide when I left him.
They seem to stop at nothing to try and maintain some control over the whole situation.
Keep strong and don't be drawn. x

littlemeishere · 12/02/2012 18:55

The guy is a grown man. If he is sick he can take himself to A&E.

It's all a big obvious ploy to make you pity him. Get your stuff and go. Your son will get over the party.

Honestly, why stick around? If it isn't a heart attack it will be something else.

Remember why you planned to go... and go. He hasn't changed - he is just attempting (in a very obvious way) to manipulate you.

molepom · 12/02/2012 21:27

Agree with the others, he's guilt tripping you into staying, dont fall for it.

DONT let him get to you. DONT call the hospital, he'll find out and think that his plan is working and then twist it into something against you.

destinyorfate · 12/02/2012 21:29

hhhhmmmmm I hope the OP comes back soon. I am not hopeful that she has made her escape :(

pranma · 12/02/2012 21:44

A heart attack is left side and if pain is in back it doesnt feel like a punch.My dh had a heart attack and he said the pain in his back was as if someone had pressed frozen chicken wire [!!] across his back.He also went grey,broke out in a cold sweat and felt very nauseous with dry retching.Your husband is playing wicked games with you I'm afraid and even if he did have something wrong that is not your responsibility and you should take your dc and go to Cornwall before he comes back.You can ring up once you have got away.

gonnabegoingsoon · 12/02/2012 21:54

hope your ok and you have manged to leave

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