been planning to leave and dh just found all my packing!

[givemeavodka]

Hi have posted before some might remember me. i have dh and 3 young ds.
Unhappy in marraige, dh has been controlling, abusive verbally and financially and text relationship with another women whilst i was pregnant.
i have been planning to leave to begin again in cornwall and going this half term week. with the plan for me to keep up the courage to leave him and stay and make a new life with my ds.
Anyway, today my dh found stuff packed away and has confronted me. i do feel bad not from telling him outright my plans, but did not want anymore arguments or confrontations and I wanted to minimise any impact on my ds's by not telling him before I left. anyway after much digging around on his part he as more or less concluded that i am leaving.
I said that I was planning to as long as I have the courage to do so as I feel so quilty for leaving him and taking the children and I do not want to upset him and I feel awful for going.
This evening he has been a mixture of first crying and being upset and pleading with me to stay and work it out. Then a little angry by saying things like ' I won't get to teach ds to ride a bike' basically he is trying to turn things around. Now I feel awful. Part of me is beginning to give in again as I do genuinally feel sorry for him and I hate to see him so hurt.

Good for you, you made a plan and you stuck to it!
Onwards and upwards!

You quit often get flu like symptoms after doing something stressful, it's because when you were leaving you had lots of adrenaline flowing. When it's over you feel awful as it breaks down. So you may find you feel I'll whenever you stop doing.
Try to eat properly, rest and maybe take a supplement for a bit.

Well done givemeavodka. The guilt will go in time, I am sure. You have nothing to feel mean or guilty about - you have released yourself and your 3DS from a man who (in your own words) was controlling, abusive verbally and financially and having a text relationship with another woman.

Feel proud, feel joyful. Don't feel mean or guilty :)

Well done for escaping. I wouldn't be surprised it you get a growing realisation of just how much you are capable of when you are not constantly being ground down by an abusive partner.

Been lurking. Wanted to say that I admire you, Vodka. Well done.

Oh Vodka, I'm so happy for you! I've been lurking on this thread for a few days, keeping my fingers crossed for you. Having come out of a similar situation a few years ago, I can tell you it does get easier. I'm so pleased, well done

Well done vodka, though I can appreciate the guilty feelings. How are your boys coping? I hope they settle quickly and get used to their new schools when they get them.

Probably the last thing you feel like doing, but keep a copy of your H's emails. They might be helpful if he gets difficult about any legal proceedings.

Good luck, and remember MN is always here for support if things get tough.

I hope you can get some rest and start to feel better soon :)

Oh Vodka, well done! You excellent woman!

Vodka, you are fantastic for standing up to all the emotional blackmail, getting out and beginning to sort out your benefits, legal issues and your DCs schools. I am in awe of your inner strength, and I hope you prove to be an inspiration to others in similar situations reading. I think you are now on the edge of the happiness you deserve, so don't look back.

another lurker here, pleased to read the update..stay strong vodka X

vodka, just checking in to make sure you're doing okay.

Yet another lurker wishing you well!

and yet another lurker wishing you well and congratulating you for being so strong for you and your boys!

well done you!
sometimes when faced with a difficult situation it can be useful to mentally take a step back
.ie think what advice you would give to a good friend in your position?
take care of yourself.
take small steps.
acknowledge how well you've done so far.

You ok Vodka?
How about an update, we're all thinking of you.

Just sat down and read all your messages, thank you all so much.
Have mnet is such a support and to have all your kind words and messages is a massive help.
I am still having lots of email of dh pleading for me to come back. he spoke to ds's on phone today for the 1st time since leaving, and it made me really mad cos he kept saying things like' come back soon to home cos daddy misses you' and ' if you come come you can see me' I realise that I have to speak to him on his own and tell him not too do this as it is putting added pressure on me and the boys and not helping the situation at all. He is using the kids isn't he?
a letter goes out from my solicitor( free legal aid which is great) in tonights post outlining my intentions and reasons why the breakdown in marriage. A bit nervous about this as my dh will be really angry and upset but i guess it has to be done.
Got a school for the boys sorted today and they might be able to start midweek next week. so that will be a relief. but not sure how they will take to starting a new school ?
still gotta get a house sorted.
thanks again all. its really hard and each days i keep questioning myself even still making sure I am doing the right thing. DH said today that he had been to a counsellor at work and told him of our situation and that the councillor should have been stuck off for giving bad advice. Apparaently they should council you to work to sort out your problems whatever they might be and dh strongly feels that we should still have counselling to sort things out and get back together. He keeps saying that the boys need a dad(which I agree with) and that he will never get to see them.
I find it really hard telling the boys about my intention to stay here, my eldest is going to take it the hardest, and when I said he won;t be going back to his old school he punched me ( 6 years old). then hasn't mentioned it since.
So any advice is greatly welcome on this...
thanks again lovely mums xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

My god, he is SO using your kids against you. Mine tried the same thing, but I made a promise to myself that I would NEVER resort to using my DS, no matter how tempted I was. It's just not fair on kids.
Expect him to be angry, but also expect tears and pleading. It takes men a long, long time to let go, especially if they are controlling. Even when he got the divorce papers, the ex still got his solicitor to write to me saying we could work things out and be a 'family unit'. Arse. Somehow he even managed to get me to go to councilling once I was in the refuge. Can't believe I went, what a complete waste of time. Just be prepared, he'll try anything he can.
On a lighter note, it's so good to know you are staying strong. You are a brave, courageous woman, who deserves a lot of admiration for doing what you have done.
Well done, Vodka

ex very abusive, actually had the audacity to stand up i ncourt and say there was no need for a divorce and I was bieng silly.

The judge ignored him.

I'd set boundaries right now with the children, have them in proper routines (it will keep them calm and happy) tell them you love them and you're a team now, but do not let them hit you or be abusive towards you. My eldest was four when I left and she was very angry and used to mimic her fathers behaviour when with me, it took a while to get her out of that, my parents and isblings rallied round and would make sure she knew it was unacceptable to scream and shout at me and hit me.

Also tell ex he is being abusive ot the children by playing on their emotions, the chidlren are not the ones who decide whether you leave or return to your marriage. I'd also tell my solicitor he's doens this and keep a diary of times he calls and if he says things like that to them again.

Also regarding finances, have you applied for tax credits, you can also apply for CSA now as you are not longer living together.

It does get better I promise.

Just read through this and it sounds like you are doing a fantastic job with getting things sorted. Your 6yr old DS will hopefully come round to the idea of living in Cornwall - lots of trips to the beach etc - it really is a fantastic place for kids and with any luck he will quickly make some new friends.

Stay strong, things will get better.

Do pop in to the abusive relationship thread where many travellers at different stages are following similar roads to yours. Too tired to link, sorry.