My DH is amazingly fit .......BUT

[recall]

My husband has been overweight for years, he has taken up running again and is doing so well, I am very proud of him. He has lost 3 stone, he is so much healthier ( I was worried because he is 42 and entering the dodgy heart attacks for overweight men area ) A real bonus for me is that he looks stunning (to me) and I find him very very attractive, lets say it has re kindled an old spark.

But..... he goes running 3 evenings a week. We have 3 children 1,2 and 4. I sort of do the night shifts during the week, so that he is fit for work the next day. I also look after them every week day while he is at work, most weekends I work, I am self employed and can end up driving 14 hours all over the UK.

So 3 days a week, I start the day knackered, look after the kids and do school runs etc until 5, then DH gives me a break until 6 when he goes running. I have to settle the kids to bed etc, he gets back at about 8.

Its bloody killing me ! On his running days I feel all numb and heavy and sort of worthless, it all just goes on and on and on.

Don't want to take his running away from him. He is in a club, which is why the days and times are so rigid.

I am really torn, don't know how to resolve this.

Any ideas ??

I always think this when people are saying my husband/wife's overweight and I'd like them to take up exercise, there comes a point in your life where you would need to seriously do quite a lot of exercise and change your food habits completely, and that requires a big time commitment from the overweight person.

Have you told him how you feel about this? I can't think of an obvious solution tbh, other than for you to get more rest at other times.

Remember that your husband is doing this for his life and for long term benefits. Your kids are really little now but they wont be forever. Him having a heart attack would affect forever.

Keep going. It is difficult now but it will get better as the kids get older.

See if you can squeeze in a couple of hours to yourself one night when he knows it's his job to be there if the kids get up and get yourself to bed early. Or even an hour or two during the day one day. A nap may help.

3 days isn't excessive really. Some go every day. Considering he has been so overweight he needs the exercise. It's important. So try and nap more?

Yes, I am fully supportive, I love it, but I have this secret .....feeling of sadness about the effects it is having on my health. I always feel the need for a drink when I get beyond it. I go out on Tuesdays to the climbing wall, so its not as if I don't have my turn. I could rest instead of going there I suppose. I might ask him to do some of the night duties, and let me have an night of uninterrupted sleep...

He works from home some days, and will give me an hour at lunch time to have a rest, but I always feel guilty... it is stupid.

i feel like a second rate person, but it is only me allowing this to happen. i feel like if I complain, he may feel obliged to stop, and I don't want him to.

I had a similar-ish situation with my dh (not yet at the overweight, 40s stage but was heading towards it....) and we agreed the following ground rules to make it work for both of us:

1. I am supportive of his running/tennis (when he gets the chance) even if it means less time to hang out together

1. He makes sure he doesn't go for a run/play tennis (harder to manage) at times that leave me unfairly 'burdened' (I can't think of a better word) with childcare.

In practise, that means that he goes for a run at 7.30/8pm, after putting the dcs to bed at the weekend (he's never home that early during the week), or trades-in a lie-in for a run on a Sunday morning, for example. If he's playing tennis, he aims for a 10am slots at the weekend, and will get the dcs up, give them breakfast etc, then wake me around 9.45 before he leave for his game....

Does he take over with the kids on the nights he isn't running?

Can he swap one of his running nights for a lunch time / early morning run just for a few weeks / months until life is a bit less stressful?

Can you get a baby sitter for one night a week to help you put the kids to bed / amuse them while you recover from the day?

It will get better but sounds tough on you now, although agree that the long term benefits of a healthy hubby are v imp.

I ought to look after my own health, but when you are exhausted, it is difficult to be motivated. I feel a bit like his health is thriving at the detriment of my own, like I am sacrificing a part of me for him.... now that sounds pathetic and selfish....I am very confused about it.

Can't he go running after the children are in bed?

I think if you knew he would do night duty once or twice a week it might make a difference. The ages your kids are now is the hard phase, it does pass. Maybe you need to tell him how you are feeling, stress that you don't want him to cut down the running and ask for his suggestions

My dp also runs, although we don't have kids so three evenings is less of an issue.

His club run Tuesday and Thursday evenings and Sunday mornings officially but there are other groups going out at other times. If he finds he needs the motivation of the group, could he arrange something at abetter time for one of his runs?

Or, could he skip a club night to run on his own after the kids are in bed/before work/in his lunch hour?

Make sure you're getting enough rest, raising children is also a job and you need to be on top form to do it! Make him do the nights once or twice a week, or split the night in half and take early and late shifts between you?

Ozzie Yes, he is very attentive and pulls his weight when he is here, and he does the whole weekend when I am working away, which I know is hard (single parents - I have so much respect for you ! )

You have three little children and are working all week with them, then all weekend in a demanding job. No wonder you are exhausted. You absolutely need to learn to switch off, so when your husband takes the children on the weekend, you really do go and have a nap, or whatever you need to do to wind down and rest. For the first few years with small children and working f/t, I survived by napping on the weekends (1-2 hours perhaps once or twice a weekend). My husband used to take the children out to the playpark for a couple of hours specifically so I could sleep! (as you are helping him achieve his necessary life need!)

It will get better as the children get older, mine are mid-primary now and their needs are already much less, they can get up, watch TV or even get some breakfast if they are hungry so that need to have one parent on red alert and up at 6am is far less now.

Hmmm. I'm wondering why you're so tired. Is your diet a good one, balanced?

Is bedtime good? Whjy don't you go to bed at 9.30 on the running days?

The only thing you have to do is put three children to bed three times a week. Does he do three times too?

steam its the club though, they run at set times, it was the whole club thing that made it work, he feels a sense of commitment running with others. They have asked him to be a leader (or something) so he is really getting involved.

I am going to suggest that he does more of the nights. I already feel guilty about asking because he needs to be fit to work and can't cope well if he has a crap night. He gave me a night off last week after a particularly rough couple of nights when my DD1 was reacting to her MMR. You should have seen him the next day, he was in a right mess, I felt bad watching him struggle.

I feel resentful though because he watches me struggle all the time with exhaustion and doesn't seem that affected. We are different people I suppose. I feel stupid having three kids so close together now, its what I wanted at the time but I had no idea of how knackering it would be, feel a bit trapped

Recall, that is his choice over the running, though.

I don't exercise three times a week, as although I would love to be slim again, I know it would knacker me out (I do not become energized through exercise) and I would have to pay for extra childcare/drop something else.

We all have to juggle our lives the best we can. Perhaps you do get more knackered than him, so what? Three little ones and working 14 hour days on the weekend IS tiring. You don't need permission to have a hand with that, and you don't have to share every single hour out equally.

You are supporting him, let him support you a bit with not becoming too exhausted.

You also sound like you are on a treadmill and not quite sure when the madness is going to stop. It does get much better as they get older (I now have lie-ins most weekends, even just til 9am makes me more human).

They won't be so little for very long, the eldest will be at school soon which will relieve the pressure during the day.

Is there any way you could get the biggest two or even all three into some kind of child care for a few hours a week, or hire a cleaner? Just to give you a little break while you get tbrough this stage.

Posie he will put them to bed the non running nights yes. I am tired because my nights are always disturbed with the younger two wanting settling/milk etc. Its the long 8 hours deep sleep that I miss. So I am tired, I spend the day looking after the children, get an hour off and then have to start again. I bath them and settle them into bed. Then I have a couple of hours downstairs then I go to bed. Then its a disturbed night again....thats why I am knacered.

This probably won't chime with much of the feeling on MN, but personally I'd get the 1 and 2 year old sleeping through the night without milk. You can't help it if they are ill, or sick or whatever, but it should be possible to get 8 hours sleep even with little ones. I couldn't have gone back to work if my two weren't sleeping through the night as I couldn't function and actually crashed my car due to tiredness. So, for the family's benefit, we all had to sleep in our own beds for most of the night, bar an emergency.

Easier said than done, but there are lots of great books to help and lots of threads on MN. But disturbed nights for many many years does start to make people feel hopeless and exhausted and I don't think it's great for you driving long distances either.

I have had child care and cleaners before, but it always peters out somehow. I had a young girl who came , but she just couldn't cope with the 3 of them. My cleaner just got fed up with it I think, she said it hurt her shoulder. I find that employing people can it self be hard work in a funny way.

Eldest is at school and DS 2 at playgroup 3 mornings a week. I sound like such a moany bastard now but taking him and collecting him from playgroup is more of a pain than if he was here with me. I get in at 13.20 and I'm off again with all of them at 15.15 to collect the eldest from school.

I feel like one of those people who you try to help, but they just keep being negative and dismissing solutions, I am very grateful of this chance to discuss it with like minded people. I am taking it all on board what you are saying and am getting a good balanced viewpoint.

It does sound as though 3 nights a week is a lot, at least at the moment - it does put more load on you, and also means you automatically get less chance to go out yourself (or stay in and get some rest).

Could he not at least temporarily either drop one night (running for 2 hours twice a week is still a lot of exercise), or run on his own (after doing bedtime) instead of with the club for one night? Then he still gets 2 nights with the club.

You also need exercise, rest, and company (do you ever get to see friends or family? At least he will be getting some social life from the club as well). So his hobby needs to be balanced against your needs.

Also it does sound as though it would be fair for him to do at least one night shift a week - then at least he will get to catch up the next night, which you can't!

Try an agency, let them deal with the tax and whinging!

This is probably a really stupid question, but do you have to work right now - can you not take a year off? 3 kids under 5, and you work weekends - quite frankly you ARE going to be knackered and you are not going to have any time. You are doing well to have 5-6 off and your DH sometimes working from home (and by that I don't mean you should be grateful, but it is extra time a lot of SAHM's don't have).

Do you get any unbroken sleep at weekends? Can you DH do one of the nights then?

We have a bit of a system - anything after 5am my DH will get up,and usually anything before 12am too. So he gets a chunk of sleep in the middle of the night, then he can cope if he has to get up early. Could your DH do this?

Does your DH have to go the club 3 nights a week? It's fab that he's lost so much weight, but 3 nights a week is quite a bit to spend on one person's hobby.

If preschool is a pain, drop it to 2 mornings - your DS2 will survive!

Wow you're kids are very close together, no wonder you are knackered.

You need to get them sleeping through! Broken night's sleep are awful and if its happening regularly, it is going to take its toll. How long are the children sleeping for in one go, what is waking them up. At 2 and 1 they should be able to sleep from 7-7(ish).

I would second the early nights for you. My DH goes to bed when he is tired whether it is 8.30pm or 10.30pm, I, on the other hand, will sit up with eyes nearly bleeding watching telly or internetting, and then will be knackered the next day. I obviously get no sympathy from DH, and now and again follow his advice and have a few nights of going to bed when tired, and it makes a hell of a difference.

Sounds tough, I understand why you are confused. What about mornings, could DH take over a little here so you can have a lie on weekdays?

Do you have a good diet?

Are your dcs bf only can't you have two full nights sleep per week?
You could break the waking habit of your two year old too.