My DH is amazingly fit .......BUT

[recall]

My husband has been overweight for years, he has taken up running again and is doing so well, I am very proud of him. He has lost 3 stone, he is so much healthier ( I was worried because he is 42 and entering the dodgy heart attacks for overweight men area ) A real bonus for me is that he looks stunning (to me) and I find him very very attractive, lets say it has re kindled an old spark.

But..... he goes running 3 evenings a week. We have 3 children 1,2 and 4. I sort of do the night shifts during the week, so that he is fit for work the next day. I also look after them every week day while he is at work, most weekends I work, I am self employed and can end up driving 14 hours all over the UK.

So 3 days a week, I start the day knackered, look after the kids and do school runs etc until 5, then DH gives me a break until 6 when he goes running. I have to settle the kids to bed etc, he gets back at about 8.

Its bloody killing me ! On his running days I feel all numb and heavy and sort of worthless, it all just goes on and on and on.

Don't want to take his running away from him. He is in a club, which is why the days and times are so rigid.

I am really torn, don't know how to resolve this.

Any ideas ??

The problem to me seems to be that the your DH has an outlet to get away from work and the children and do something he wants to do. You don't. You are working with the children every weekday (and night by the sounds of it) and then you are working all weekend too. When is your downtime? Leisure time between the two of you does not seem to be evenly split.

My DH runs daily...but it's okay because it's to and from work!!

I know bed sharing works for many but for me it was always a disaster and it sounds as though it is for you too. Yes there will be yelling but I wonder if giving them a bottle/cup of water and making sure that they stay in their own beds/cots would help a lot. Or just give them water if they wake, instead of milk, they will probably drop the waking if you do.

Agree with Hardgoing, there's so much more going on than the running club - broken nights sleep, working weekends. Your husband does sound great, pulling his weight, so I can understand if you feel reluctant for him to give up his running.

Do you have a Mum or a sister or someone who can help out a bit? E.g. do the school run every now and again? My SIL picks up DD from nursery a couple of times a month and gives her tea and I pick her up about 5.30 pm. It makes everyone happy (DD is spoilt rotton, SIL has sons so gets to play with a girl).

(BTW suffering is not relative in an individual, the fact that other people have worse problems don't make yours any easier to deal with).

I'd also be tempted to suggest you give up work for a while, at least until you are getting some decent sleep and are less exhausted.

It's really, really hard, you have my sympathy.

Anniemac, one thing I have learnt over the last few years is not to compare myself to others. There may be supermums out there who can commute, do a full day, come home, do the tea, put the children to bed, load the dishwasher, then be up all night with children who don't sleep and do it all again the next day, but I am not one of them. I get overtired, irritable, and no-one gets my best. Three little ones is really a full-time job for anyone, and the OP works all weekend in long hours. I personally think it's too much, and the proof is that it is too much for her (she's feeling ill with exhaustion and a bit helpless about changing anything).

I would either sort out the sleeping if possible, if only because I don't think a four year old would be getting great sleep with two small crying toddlers next to them, and soon they are going to school and can't be up all night. If you are exhausted, likely they all are too!

Annimac Which excuse ? You've lost me ? the driving ?

Hardgoing My 4 year old is at school, and thankfully sleeps like a log, she hardly moves all night, and has slept through all sorts of dramas, such as diarrheah and vommitting, arguments ....you know... night stuff. I think she is used to it now. She is thriving at school, so I don't think this is affecting her. I have set the room up with a King sized bed, and two singles all in a row, almost together, so we are in the same bed -ish IYKWIM

My weekends entail me driving from one client's house to the next, all over the UK. When I have finished,I crash at a Hotel and then carry on on Sunday, so can be away from Friday at 4pm until Sunday at 24.00.

It isn't conformist I know, but I can't earn money any other way.

Ozzielou i have a Mum who lives 5 minutes away, but she can't cope with all of the kids, she has no confidence. My DD4 goes to her for a sleep over on Friday nights, but to be honest, it is a drop in the Ocean, as she is sort of self caring anyway, and this makes no impact in the grand scheme of things. Mum can't do any more, she is mid sixties now so I can't expect too much from her and my Dad.

go running together with the kids in one of those jogging buggies? everyone all together?

take turns running with the smallest one as 'weight training'.

Have you thought about a treadmill? He could exercise early in the morning, before work, and you could use it during the day or evening when kids are in bed? He'd lose the social aspect of the running club but with your children the ages they are, it's a "survival mode" of-sorts and you do have to give some things up.

It might also help to plan out your entire week on a Sunday night and pencil in DH leisure time and OP leisure time and make sure it's Even Steven.

Does he have to go running with the club every time? Couldn't he run with them twice a week and then do bedtime and run by himself afterwards on the other night? Or run over the weekend?

Things have improved already. I had a kip from 5-7 yesterday which did me the power of good. Then I did the night with the kids, and they all slept through apart from the little un who had a bottle, but I am feeling so much better today.

We are going to tart up a downstairs room and make it into a sitting room just for us, then I will have somewhere to go to get a break. At the moment, I either stay in the lounge with everyone ( not very relaxing ) or in bed.

Going back to the milk in the night thing, my eldest used to have one, but it just sort of faded out when she was about 3 and a half ish I think, she now sleeps like a log.

Another thing that came out of our chat yesterday is my new exercise regime.
We have 3 flights of wooden stairs, so I have been doing sessions of five minutes walking up and down them. It sounds pants, but it gets my heart going, and I can do it when I am looking after the kids check on them every time I get to the bottom.

Thanks for your lovely thoughtful replies.

Not sure whether this would work, but is there any chance that on running nights you and DH between you could make a concerted effort to give everyone their dinner and get at least the two little ones in bed, then you put 4yo to bed and then get to bed yourself?

It's not especially sociable, but it might give you a longer stretch of unbroken sleep until the little ones wake in the early hours, and you'd only need to do it while you're dealing with night wakings.

Glad you're feeling better - you seem much more positive :)

I guess the key is to keep talking to DH, let him know what you are finding difficult & where he can help.

good idea inertia

I think the running is a bit of a red herring TBH. Loads of parents have a partner- man or woman - who is not around for bedimes. I had 2, not 3 ( could not have coped with that!) with 2 years between them. Most d ays of the week, DH was never home for bedtimes- his normal day was 8-7pm, or he was overseas.

I think you are possibly suffering from jealousy that your Dh has an interest, he is fitter than you, and you are resentful about the whole 3-kids under 5 thing.

I suppose the bottom line is that he could run at any time- if you both work from home he could run daytime. It's the club thing that is the issue- not the running.

But having said that, you need as others have said to try to get the DCs to sleep all night, and put some fun back into your own life.

I might ask him to limit it to two nights.

p.s- there is no way that a child of over one needs milk at night. Milk is a food, and your children should have what they need before bed and just water at night if they wake..

You simply have to be firm and not give it or get up if they wake.

I stopped feeding ( breast feeding) my DD at 6 months during the night as it was just a habit- she screamed for about 4 nights which was awful, but after that she stopped and we moved on.

Is this right- you are sleeping in a bedroom with 2 younger children in it in their single beds?
Why?

No wonder you are knackered- you must all wake each other up throughout the night.

OP, just as an aside, could I ask whether your husband was overweight before he joined the club? If so, were there many who struggled to run far at the start? Just wondering whether people join when they're already quite fit.

ameliagrey I am not jealous, what have I said that makes you come to that conclusion, I am thrilled for him !

I have many interests, and plenty of fun too actually.

I did try and explain the reasons for the co sleeping, I found it more disruptive having them all in the next room, because when they woke, I had to get up and out of bed etc (read my previous post ) When I was heavily pregnant, it was a great deal easier to co sleep. I don't think that it really makes a difference what rooms we are all in, if they are going to wake up they will. Sleeping together is about damage limitation really. Also, having the three of them, I find that during the busy day it can be difficult to get one to one time. Our sleeping arrangements gives us time for cuddles and little lovely moments together.

Imperialblether He was over weight and unfit when he joined the club, they have different groups for different levels, he started in the beginners group, and has gradually changed his groups as he becomes fitter. He said that the beginners group was very low key, and that one week the usual leader couldn't make it and a woman who was really pushy took them. He said half of them never came back the next week, she really misjudged them and their needs.