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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opinions please- have I just been on a date with a cheating husband?

92 replies

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 01:43

I've been out on a date tonight with a guy from POF. It was all a bit quick, chatted last night and asked out for a drink today. I agreed as I had no other plans. His status on POF is separated, as is mine. I didn't press for details about how long, as I wouldn't appreciate this, it's a bit personal for a first meeting.

I suggested a pub in town for a meeting this afternoon, but this am got a text saying sorry, but he had to break the date because of a prior engagement (I know what he said this was, but its a bit identifiable to post) that he'd forgotten about. Had text exchanges on and off all morning, through the 'prior engagement' and ended up rearranging for tonight as he was really keen to meet up.

Met him at a local pub tonight for a drink, chatted for a long time, got on well, so much so that they had to kick us out at closing time. Had a bit of a snog in the car park (I know this this is not in the rules, but I went a bit off-piste) and made my excuses with an agreement that we'd be in touch and he seemed to agree to go out again.

He was very talkative and outgoing all night but post-snog was very quiet. Suspect he might have been expecting an invitation to mine. I've come home and done a bit of internet stalking - often a bad idea, I know. From this, I've gleaned that his job is what he said, other details seem to be true and he was happy to share lots of personal info. While i went to the loo, i checked my phone and he had just sent a text saying "sorry its taking a long time". When i returned, he brought it up and blamed it on imessage sending through a text from this morning. I wonder if he had just sent that message and it was meant for someone else?

Facebook says he is married, but doesn't seem to have been updated for a long time. One of the last updates was to announce his marriage in Sept 2011! His wife (looks scarily like me) seems to have what looks like a wedding photo as her profile picture.

WWYD? Am I being overly paranoid due to Internet stalkerage or is this a big red flag?

OP posts:

Hattytown · 06/02/2012 01:48

Always better to do the research before the date if possible.

And yes, he's married. If he married in September, he can't even get a divorce until September 2012 but I very much doubt he's even separated and the twit sent you a text that was intended for his wife who thought he was out doing an errand/job/mercy call to a friend.

GingerSnapsBack · 06/02/2012 01:49

The flags are awaving for me I'm afraid. Why not just ask him? Seems awfully soon since getting married and if they were separated why would she use that picture?

TheCraicDealer · 06/02/2012 01:54

Definitely married.

And apparently a bit of an idiot- if I was going to cheat on my partner with people who are presumably au fait with a bit of social networking, I think I'd have the wit to disable my Facebook account

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 02:05

Yes, this is kind of what I thought. I was being a bit generous and thinking that he may not use FB regularly enough to have thought to change the relationship status, but it's defo a bit odd about the wife's profile picture.

Is that a fact, that you cannot start proceedings until a year after your marriage? We did briefly talk about solicitors and he mentioned the name of his, I wish I had paid attention to that! It wasn't a name I knew.

OP posts:

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 02:06

Well, you know I may not even get another call, seeing as I didn't invite him home. Wonder how he would have explained that at home?

OP posts:

Eskarina · 06/02/2012 02:10

Could be that he changed his relationship status in September 2011 on face book but that he got married longer ago than that. If he doesn't use Facebook that often then it's quite possible that that is the simple explanation. I have received updates from friends saying they are married when I know very well thu've been really married for years, it's just they have only put that piece of info into fb.

Not saying that you shouldn't be cautious of course but if on investigation that's the only red flag and he comes up with a plausible explanation then he could quite easily be yelling the truth.

Eskarina · 06/02/2012 02:12

Ah, missed the bit about the wife's profile pic. Again if she doesn't use fb much it's likely that she hasn't changed her pic.

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 02:13

I had considered that, I've seen it before on others FB profiles. There is also a wedding photo added to his profile, two days after the date of the wedding update. Not conclusive proof, though.

OP posts:

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 02:13

She has been on FB today.

OP posts:

TheCraicDealer · 06/02/2012 02:14

Eskatrina, that's a good point, but doesn't account for wife's profile picture! My prolific use of Facebook has taught me that women tend to change this a year after they got married, or when they split up- whichever comes first. If you get separated you're hardly going to want to use a picture of you in your wedding dress, even if your hair did look fab.

mathanxiety · 06/02/2012 02:15

If the wife has what appears to be a wedding photo as her profile then she is probably not thinking of herself as separated. Which means he is not either, but may be some time in the future obv..

mathanxiety · 06/02/2012 02:16

xpost there

Hattytown · 06/02/2012 02:20

Yes you cannot divorce unless you have been married for at least a year, it's the law.

No-one whose marriage had broken up so quickly would still have their wedding pic on their profile. As he also has one on his page too, it becomes doubly suspicious.

Poor woman. Would you consider sending her a private message to ask her to let you know the situation?

POF is notorious for this incidentally. It is full of married chancers like him. Consider trying another dating site.

mirai · 06/02/2012 02:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brdgrl · 06/02/2012 03:01

The facebook thing clinches it for me, I'm afraid.
I'd probably be tempted to send the wife a message and ask her...

TheCraicDealer · 06/02/2012 03:08

Mhmm, I don't know if I'd say anything, or just chalk it up to experience. He'll get caught sooner or later if his current modus operandi is anything to go by.

If I was going to message her though, I'd totally include a screenshot of his POF profile stirs pot

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 03:13

Haha craicdealer It did cross my mind to message her, in a totally impartial way. You never know, she might be lovely enough to confirm that they have separated. But I doubt it.
Generous, I know, seeing as my marriage broke down due to cheating (him)
But then again, do I really want to get involved in a bust up?

OP posts:

TheCraicDealer · 06/02/2012 03:23

Darling, you've already been with one knob too many- let this one get himself caught in his own little net of lies by himself

(see what I did there- plenty of fish? Net? ....never mind!)

Abitwobblynow · 06/02/2012 04:31

I would send him a text saying ''[name] I suspect that you are married and want to tell you that in looking for someone to cheat with you are making a huge mistake. A terminally upset wife is something you can NEVER undo. Just a friendly warning that lying and running away from your M is something you will really regret'. PS I don't appreciate being lied to either. You are choosing a disrespectful route and it WILL bite you.

Funnily enough, this is the time (before he gets too far and in too deep) that I would PM his wife on Facebook to give him a SERIOUS wake up call. Tell her where you were, what he said about being separated and the fact that you think he was lying and disrespecting you both. That if he is not and you really are separated, your apologies.

People forget that the OW gets used, too!

FetchezLaVache · 06/02/2012 06:38

Be careful not to alert this married chancer to some of his more schoolboy errors, or all you will do is train him to be a more efficient deceitful scumbag. The wife is definitely the way to go, IMO.

AKissIsNotAContract · 06/02/2012 06:54

I'd have to tell the wife too if I were you. If they only got married in September and he's already cheating he's likely to continue throughout their marriage. You could save her wasting years with this loser.

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 06/02/2012 08:29

Tell his wife, including a screenshot.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 06/02/2012 08:42

God yes, pm his wife.
Having been in similar situatuions as the wife and not knowing, or even worse suspecting and having no proof and being told you're mad by H is the most awful thing. She may well hate you being the messanger, but you could save her years of heartache. If my H was on one of those sites I'd freak and divorce him, the intention id definitely there!

rubyrubyruby · 06/02/2012 08:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BelleRomford74 · 06/02/2012 08:49

Sorry but red flag!!!..He is deffo married!!.. He might not be 100% happy but bet his wife is oblivious to this!!.. Had similar situation myself but mine was cleverer than yours he used 2 names, 2 facebook accounts.. but turned out he comes from an area where one of my friends practically knows everyone.. so got caught out!! Thankfully before our 1st date!! Scumbag tried to blame it all on his child being ill & him having a little breakdown.. all lies.. his real fb account shows him on hols with his wife just months previous & 2 beautiful healthy kids!! Did take great pleasure in letting him think I was going to message his wife on facebook & tell her... omg he begged & pleaded for me not to... I did'nt in the end but did'nt tell him that for a few days!!

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