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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opinions please- have I just been on a date with a cheating husband?

92 replies

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 01:43

I've been out on a date tonight with a guy from POF. It was all a bit quick, chatted last night and asked out for a drink today. I agreed as I had no other plans. His status on POF is separated, as is mine. I didn't press for details about how long, as I wouldn't appreciate this, it's a bit personal for a first meeting.

I suggested a pub in town for a meeting this afternoon, but this am got a text saying sorry, but he had to break the date because of a prior engagement (I know what he said this was, but its a bit identifiable to post) that he'd forgotten about. Had text exchanges on and off all morning, through the 'prior engagement' and ended up rearranging for tonight as he was really keen to meet up.

Met him at a local pub tonight for a drink, chatted for a long time, got on well, so much so that they had to kick us out at closing time. Had a bit of a snog in the car park (I know this this is not in the rules, but I went a bit off-piste) and made my excuses with an agreement that we'd be in touch and he seemed to agree to go out again.

He was very talkative and outgoing all night but post-snog was very quiet. Suspect he might have been expecting an invitation to mine. I've come home and done a bit of internet stalking - often a bad idea, I know. From this, I've gleaned that his job is what he said, other details seem to be true and he was happy to share lots of personal info. While i went to the loo, i checked my phone and he had just sent a text saying "sorry its taking a long time". When i returned, he brought it up and blamed it on imessage sending through a text from this morning. I wonder if he had just sent that message and it was meant for someone else?

Facebook says he is married, but doesn't seem to have been updated for a long time. One of the last updates was to announce his marriage in Sept 2011! His wife (looks scarily like me) seems to have what looks like a wedding photo as her profile picture.

WWYD? Am I being overly paranoid due to Internet stalkerage or is this a big red flag?

OP posts:

HoudiniHissy · 06/02/2012 16:49

Leave the whole thing alone. he texted, you agreed to meet on the spot, you met, you snogged and then you put 2 and 2 together.

You were not led along a path, you walked along it without even thinking.

As soon as you really DID suspect, you ended it. Your work here is done.

Put it down to experience, give thanks to God he's not your bloke and leave him to it.

His life (and hers) are not your concern. Leave well alone.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 06/02/2012 16:51

What Houdini said! I'm a bit at all the suggestions to email the wife!!

AttillaTheMum · 06/02/2012 16:54

If i was the wife i would be grateful to find out. I would feel that my choice had been taken away if i didnt

Bluesue26 · 06/02/2012 16:54

Jesus, leave this alone. You've rumbled him, told him to sling his hook, why do you have to carry it on? He's removed his profile from POF so even if you do tell his wife he'll just deny it and make out you're some kind of nutter. He'll do it again, absolutely no doubts about that, but that's not your problem. Stay well out.

M0naLisa · 06/02/2012 16:56

If i was the wife id be grateful to find out. id set up a fake facebook profile with a common name so you aren't outing yourself and just tell her that you 'met her husband on POF' you have been for drinks but after you did some digging you found out he is married to her' etc etc

You m ight have had a lucky escape but what about the next women who falls for his charms. His poor poor wife :(

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 16:58

Aaargh! Good arguments on both sides.
Right, decision made. I'm staying out of it.

I feel sorry for her, (because I was her) but I have to put myself first.
Perhaps he'll take this as a warning shot across the bows.

OP posts:

coccyx · 06/02/2012 17:00

What is POF

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 17:02

It's Plenty Of Fish.com.
Why, coccyx? Do you want a married cheater?

OP posts:

coccyx · 06/02/2012 17:06

Haha. No, think i will stick with what I have for now!
I would never have guessed what it stood for.

mathanxiety · 06/02/2012 17:29

I think linking to this thread is an excellent idea, and I think though she may not find it very pleasant to read of her H snogging you in a car park, she needs to know that her H has done this at least once.

She at the very least needs to be aware and take precautions against stds.
(Not that you gave him one of course -- my guess is that he has had more than one woman besides you stringing along).

The H will not stop because he has been caught this time. He will only get better at deception.

AnitaManeater · 06/02/2012 18:22

I reckon he's married but no I wouldn't tell the wife for your sake. Her emotions will be all over the place and once she's got a few drinks inside her it could be you she comes looking for. He will slip up sooner or later.

Found out my partner had been cheating via a message from some girl on Facebook and lets just say I didn't thank her for it - she was fully aware he had a partner and kids though. Hideous situation to be in xx

FezziwigLaVache · 06/02/2012 18:32

The reason I think you should tell her is that he's had the shot across his bows and he will have learned from this how to cover his tracks better. He may have removed his profile in his real name from POF, so what? Maybe he's put another one up under a fake name. I think his wife has the right to know what was really taking him so long on Sunday night...

hellsbells76 · 06/02/2012 18:43

Hmm I remember chatting to a guy via a dating site who seemed very nice. He mentioned he was in a band and told me its name so obviously I did a bit of fb stalking, and found his band's page, which led me to his (open) profile, which revealed he was in a relationship and in fact had just moved in with this girl. I told him he'd been rumbled and that I was seriously considering messaging his gf via fb to tell her what he was up to. He begged and pleaded with me not to. I wouldn't tell him whether I had or not (I didn't in the end) and I sincerely hope the cheating fucker had a sleepless night or two over that one...

SarahStratton · 06/02/2012 18:44

I third linking this thread for her.

She's only been married a short while, I'd want to know if it were me. Particularly given the incredibly short time frame, I would want to know before I did anything that would tie me to a wanker like him - like start a family.

At least if she finds out now, she will hopefully be able to walk away without any further commitment to him. Or STDs. Poor woman.

mathanxiety · 06/02/2012 18:55

She would not know who you were if you linked the thread. She would understand it was her H. She would see the various opinions.

PosiePumblechook · 06/02/2012 19:02

I would want to know and given that you were in her shoes I would be tempted to tell.

OffMeTrolley · 06/02/2012 19:09

i wouldnt contact the wife

he could be a psycho, she could be a psycho and stalk and harass you for years to come, or worse

leave it

you didnt get burnt. Leave them to it

AttillaTheMum · 06/02/2012 19:50

She would link the thread from a fake Facebook though! And what is the worst the DH could do? He doesn't know where she lives and I think it is wrong not to tell the wife because you are taking away her choice to leave, what if she is pregnant next time, there will be a next time, plus by linking her we can all support her!

mathanxiety · 06/02/2012 19:58

There is no way the wife could ever know who the OP is if or where she is if it was done as Attilla says.

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 06/02/2012 20:07

She won't be happy obviously but she has a right to know. If someone could have saved me from years of heartache, lies and deceit I'd have been upset but so grateful. No one deserves to go through all that if it could be prevented or warned about.

ImperialBlether · 06/02/2012 20:12

If I were the wife, I would want to know. I'd want my friend to tell me, never mind the OW.

I wouldn't do it under my own name, if that was recognisable. I wouldn't worry about her, but would worry about him getting in touch.

Would a friend of yours (preferably male) send her the link via FB? Once she reads the thread (especially these posts about linking her to MN) she will know who we're talking about.

As someone above said, she could be planning a baby with this man. She has the right to know what she's getting into.

stealthsquiggle · 06/02/2012 20:24

so - OP - assuming you namechanged for this thread, you could PM someone clever the wife's name, and they could send the link to this thread?? (thinking 2 degrees of separation - if the person who tells her has no idea who you are, etc. etc...)

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 21:05

Let's not get completely carried away. The evidence, as it stands, was enough for me to decide not to be involved with him. I've especially no wish to date someone who's still living in the same property as his wife, if they are separated.

I'm not sure it's compelling enough to wade in and start interfering. We're making some assumptions about the state of their marriage based on a fb profile photo. He may have decided to pull his profile because its too much hassle? Or he realised perhaps he shouldn't be dating while still living in the same house as his tbex? Who knows?

At the very least, it's going to mean I have to change my phone number, but at worst - there could be repercussions. Obviously, he's seen me, he's seen my car - I think I might have mentioned in conversation somewhere that I walk my dog. (that might have been a bit dense in hindsight)

If he's going to put himself about like this and they are still together, then he will get caught out and I don't think that I need to be a one woman moral crusade to help that along. I think I'll just keep an eye on the situation for now.

OP posts:

TheCuntwormUnderfoot · 06/02/2012 21:07

Please find a way to let her know if you can. The thought that this poor woman is probably planning a future and babies with a man who's sniffing out women for sex a few months after their wedding... It's horrible. Poor poor thing.

stealthsquiggle · 06/02/2012 21:14

I have changed my mind. If he knows enough to find you then leave it. I feel very sorry for her, but you're right - it's not worth putting yourself at any risk over.

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