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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opinions please- have I just been on a date with a cheating husband?

92 replies

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 01:43

I've been out on a date tonight with a guy from POF. It was all a bit quick, chatted last night and asked out for a drink today. I agreed as I had no other plans. His status on POF is separated, as is mine. I didn't press for details about how long, as I wouldn't appreciate this, it's a bit personal for a first meeting.

I suggested a pub in town for a meeting this afternoon, but this am got a text saying sorry, but he had to break the date because of a prior engagement (I know what he said this was, but its a bit identifiable to post) that he'd forgotten about. Had text exchanges on and off all morning, through the 'prior engagement' and ended up rearranging for tonight as he was really keen to meet up.

Met him at a local pub tonight for a drink, chatted for a long time, got on well, so much so that they had to kick us out at closing time. Had a bit of a snog in the car park (I know this this is not in the rules, but I went a bit off-piste) and made my excuses with an agreement that we'd be in touch and he seemed to agree to go out again.

He was very talkative and outgoing all night but post-snog was very quiet. Suspect he might have been expecting an invitation to mine. I've come home and done a bit of internet stalking - often a bad idea, I know. From this, I've gleaned that his job is what he said, other details seem to be true and he was happy to share lots of personal info. While i went to the loo, i checked my phone and he had just sent a text saying "sorry its taking a long time". When i returned, he brought it up and blamed it on imessage sending through a text from this morning. I wonder if he had just sent that message and it was meant for someone else?

Facebook says he is married, but doesn't seem to have been updated for a long time. One of the last updates was to announce his marriage in Sept 2011! His wife (looks scarily like me) seems to have what looks like a wedding photo as her profile picture.

WWYD? Am I being overly paranoid due to Internet stalkerage or is this a big red flag?

OP posts:

feedbackforfree · 06/02/2012 21:14

Datingminefield, I agree with you that I wouldn't personally tell her. In my experience of POF, "separated" on a man's profile means there is a high chance that the status is in the mind of the husband and that the wife is blissfully unaware of any split.

I once met a man from there who said he was separated. We met for a lunch time drink and when he brought mine over, he still had his wedding ring on. When I challenged him, he admitted he wasn't happy but not separated. I gave him a ticking off and left him to enjoy both drinks on his own.

You've done nothing wrong so just leave him be to ruin is marriage on his own, is my advice.

Liking the name by the way.....

paranoidandroidwreckmyownlife · 06/02/2012 21:23

Personally I'd feel guilty if I didn't let her know the situation. Changing your number is a fairly small inconvenience compared to say having a child and being tied for life to a cheating fuckwit. I hope for her sake they really are separated.

Onetwothreeoops · 06/02/2012 21:25

I agree with OffMeTrolley you don't know these people and for your own safety it's best not to get involved, there could be all sorts going on with them and their relationship that you know nothing about and probably would not want to know about.

Dotmurray · 06/02/2012 21:25

i.imgur.com/DCPuj.jpg

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 21:33

Not quite sure what you're getting at there, dotmurray?

OP posts:

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 21:38

feedbackforfree Any advice like this is gratefully received. I have no wish to meet or get involved with married men and any tips on how to avoid them or quickly suss them out is valuable.

I think perhaps I am not cynical enough yet for Internet dating. I'm not gullible, but it would be nice to be able to believe that men tell the truth, at least sometimes.

Perhaps I need to try some better quality sites.

OP posts:

Ilovemypinkflowerywellies · 06/02/2012 21:58

Hi minefield I've read your thread with woeful regret about my time on pof pls don't give up totally. Pof is a cheaper option and can sometimes attract the wrong people. Internet dating as it happens did not work for me I was not tough enough for it. But some other sites are much better just keep your guard up which you have done here and you will be fine

somebloke123 · 07/02/2012 09:27

DM I think you have done exactly the right thing. You soon rumbled him for the jerk he is and dissociated yourself. Also I think you're right not to take it further. To tell him wife might or might not turn out to be a good thing, but you don't really know. You would be intervening in the lfe of someone you are totally unacquainted with and you don't know what the dynamics are and what it might lead to. Agree with Hissy - your duty here is done.

DonInKillerHeels · 07/02/2012 09:31

Do NOT take it further. You barely know the guy, and he's clearly an unpleasant creep. Just chalk it up to experience and move on.

Married losers... ugh.

mathanxiety · 07/02/2012 14:47

Thing about assuming he will go out looking for you specifically is that you are probably not the only woman he has snogged in a car park since he got married/joined POF. He would have no way of knowing which woman ratted on him.

SarahSowerberry · 07/02/2012 15:27

Stratters' Hot Tips for Avoiding Married Cunts Men

Get phone numbers. Use the phone numbers. If there are any restrictions placed on calling, apart from at work, ditch.

Talk to them for at least a week. Don't just accept a message to meet and go. Get to know them first. Ask questions about previous relationships. See if answers match up with previous ones/what you already know.

Assume they are until you are certain they are not.

192.com and Google are your friends.

Sadly, this does not mean you can avoid wankers of either the single or attached kind. It does tend to help filter them out though.

mojitomania · 07/02/2012 15:31

What a tit he is. I'd just move on though OP. Not your business to tell the poor wife.

flatbellyfella · 07/02/2012 16:09

At least you can walk away from this with your head held high,in my opinion you did nothing wrong on your part,you have learned a lot in a short time from the MN Hive . Best wishes for next try at dating.

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 07/02/2012 16:41

Thank you Stratters for these top tips. Someone should start a thread, if it's not already been done.

Re: No. 2, I wasn't that bothered about grilling them before I meet them, I thought I'd rather weed out the undesirables from a quick date rather than lots of laborious emails? I can't tell if I like someone from email. I do a lot of questioning once I'm there though. (I'm good at recruitment, I'm an excellent interviewer)

I may change my approach now, though. I didn't like being in this situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 07/02/2012 16:44

(thinks mathanxiety is one that stands up and shouts "fight, fight" at Jerry Springer)

OP posts:

OffMeTrolley · 07/02/2012 16:56

sorry but you can find out a hell of a lot just from say an email address, let alone any other info you have let slip

mathanxiety · 07/02/2012 18:23

I wave pom poms

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