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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opinions please- have I just been on a date with a cheating husband?

92 replies

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 01:43

I've been out on a date tonight with a guy from POF. It was all a bit quick, chatted last night and asked out for a drink today. I agreed as I had no other plans. His status on POF is separated, as is mine. I didn't press for details about how long, as I wouldn't appreciate this, it's a bit personal for a first meeting.

I suggested a pub in town for a meeting this afternoon, but this am got a text saying sorry, but he had to break the date because of a prior engagement (I know what he said this was, but its a bit identifiable to post) that he'd forgotten about. Had text exchanges on and off all morning, through the 'prior engagement' and ended up rearranging for tonight as he was really keen to meet up.

Met him at a local pub tonight for a drink, chatted for a long time, got on well, so much so that they had to kick us out at closing time. Had a bit of a snog in the car park (I know this this is not in the rules, but I went a bit off-piste) and made my excuses with an agreement that we'd be in touch and he seemed to agree to go out again.

He was very talkative and outgoing all night but post-snog was very quiet. Suspect he might have been expecting an invitation to mine. I've come home and done a bit of internet stalking - often a bad idea, I know. From this, I've gleaned that his job is what he said, other details seem to be true and he was happy to share lots of personal info. While i went to the loo, i checked my phone and he had just sent a text saying "sorry its taking a long time". When i returned, he brought it up and blamed it on imessage sending through a text from this morning. I wonder if he had just sent that message and it was meant for someone else?

Facebook says he is married, but doesn't seem to have been updated for a long time. One of the last updates was to announce his marriage in Sept 2011! His wife (looks scarily like me) seems to have what looks like a wedding photo as her profile picture.

WWYD? Am I being overly paranoid due to Internet stalkerage or is this a big red flag?

OP posts:

ohdearwhatdoidonow · 06/02/2012 09:09

I would defo message the wife. If I were her, I would want to know and would appreciate you telling me.

TooEasilyTempted · 06/02/2012 09:18

He's lying about the imessenger thing, he would have to press resend if it hadn't sent earlier that day. He was definitely intending that message to go to his wife. Yes he's definitely married and WOW... Only a few month married too... Didn't take him long did it?

In this situation I'd definitely message the wife.

minceorotherwise · 06/02/2012 09:40

Ooh hasn't been married long? But not out of the realms that it didn't work out. Yes, sounds suspect but that's not conclusive is it?

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 11:41

rubyrubyruby, does your friend's photo show her as a bride or the two of them in a romantic clinch? I think it would be bizarre for a separated woman to keep a picture of the latter as her profile picture on a FB account that she uses regularly.

I did think it might be the fairest thing to do, I know quite a few women who would have preferred it if someone had let them in on it.

I'm aware that if I contact her through FB, they will have then more info about me than he does presently, ie my surname.

I have the wife's work email address. I could send her an anonymous email?

Gosh, I'm glad I've got a bit cannier with age (and have you lot to back me up).

OP posts:

RickGhastley · 06/02/2012 11:50

Please don't email her work address, You really would not want to find out your new husband is cheating when you trying to be all professional at work.

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 11:54

Jesus Christ he just texted me. Feel a bit sick. :(

OP posts:

Hattytown · 06/02/2012 11:55

No, nothing anonymous. That would be horrible and cowardly. And definitely nothing sent to her workplace. Either be prepared to put your name to this or leave it alone.

rubyrubyruby · 06/02/2012 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hardgoing · 06/02/2012 11:58

I know no-one will agree, but I would not get involved. I would just move on, text him to say 'I think you're married, no thanks' and find someone else.

If he is married, he will just tell his wife you are a loon and nothing happened.

You are also not 100% of what is going on, perhaps they were together and separated, perhaps he only updated the wedding pics recently and was married years ago. Better keep your dignity.

Hardgoing · 06/02/2012 11:59

Also, is he spectacularly thick? If he was recently married, why would he give you his name, job and enough details to track down his wife? Or am I just hoping for a bit much brain-wise. He's a rubbish cheater if he is one, but I am not sure if he is or not.

Legobuildingpro · 06/02/2012 12:04

I would have to tell the wife. It will either give him the wake up call she needs. Or you'd free her from making this a huge waste of her life.

Teeb · 06/02/2012 12:04

I think you should tell the wife, and I can't see any harm in you creating an anonymous facebook account to send her the message, plus screen shots of his POF profile.

I think it's understandable not to want your name to get dragged into anything when you haven't done anything wrong. As long as you give enough details for her to come to her own conclusions without it seeming like someone malicious trying to cause trouble.

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 12:08

Yes, it's true. The work email is right out.
I'm not sure I'm brave enough to get involved. My name makes me quite identifiable and you could probably track me down in a flash on the net.

I think it would be the right thing to do, to tell her, but I'm not sure I need to bring complication like this into my life. I'll probably leave it.
Thanks for your input, everyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 12:13

hardgoing, he is being rubbish at it, isn't he?
That's why I was undecided, as he'd been so open about all of his personal info.

OP posts:

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 12:33

Well, I guess there's the confirmation.

The text he just sent was a bit gushy, then I replied: [name]. I'm not certain that you are seperated from your wife, so I'm going to stop this now.

The reply was: ok sorry to hear that. Was nice meeting you.

What a dick.

OP posts:

BelleRomford74 · 06/02/2012 12:34

I am a re-formed hot head.. the old me would have messaged her but as I've got older I have mellowed & no for your own safety don't message her...you know what they say about the messanger getting shot!! Give him a telling off, call him a few choice names & be glad it was 1 date & a snog & not more!! You can report him to POF & block him too.
I read somewhere once that 60% of men on dating websites are indeed married or in long term committed relationships!!.. Scarey eh?!

aleene · 06/02/2012 12:49

out of interest did he use his photograph on his POF profile?

I agree about his reply to you... he didn't try very hard to convince you that you were wrong and he is single.

squeakytoy · 06/02/2012 13:19

at least you had a lucky escape.. I would still probably send an anonymous message to the wife though.. she deserves to know what a tosser he is..

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 13:43

aleene he did.

I've just had a check on POF and his profile is gone. Rumbled.

I've had a texted apology, and when I questioned what he was apologising for, seeing as according to him, he is separated, he said they are, but sharing the house 'until everything's sorted'. You'll be waiting a while, mate.
Seems very confused, maybe he thinks I followed him home or something.

OP posts:

Hattytown · 06/02/2012 14:18

Well I hope he is shitting himself about how you knew, although it wouldn't take Einstein to realise that most sensible people on dating sites do their research.

You did, but after the event. Better late than never, but better before than after in future OP.

Please no anonymous communications to the wife. Either find a safe and kinder way of telling her, or nothing at all.

mathanxiety · 06/02/2012 16:05

I really think you should find some way of telling the wife. I would have been stunned to learn what I eventually figured out for myself, maybe even inclined to disbelieve it, and exH would have lied, sworn on his granny's grave...

You know something about this man, he knows something about himself; this woman does not but is possibly making plans for a baby, for sinking her money into a house or car or other big ticket purchase with him, maybe has a joint account -- and all without access to vital information. It is up to her how she uses the information but she should have it.

WhereTheWildThingsWere · 06/02/2012 16:17

Having spent years with a serial cheater, (I had no idea for a looooooong time) who started within months of us getting together, I seriously wish one of the OW had had the guts to tell me, I wasted so much time on the wanker.

AttillaTheMum · 06/02/2012 16:22

dear wife,

I am sorry if this is innapropriate but I went on a date with xxx yesterday and he mentioned you were getting divorced. As I have had some bad experiences with POF I have been rather wary so I thought I would do some investigating (I Know I know) It seems by your Facebook that you guys still have a status of being married.
I have come to the assumption that there are one of two things going on here, either I am over suspicious and you have managed to seperate way more amicibally than I ever have, or he is cheating us both.
After much angst, and after taking the majority vote (link to thread) I thought it was worthy of contacting you to find out what was happening.

Thanks

Dating minefield

AttillaTheMum · 06/02/2012 16:23

This way you show her you are not an evil OW and you link her to MN so if her husband is an arse, she can get support.

Original poster

DatingMinefield · 06/02/2012 16:42

I'll have a think and see if I can come up with a way of letting her know what happened. The best case scenario is, of course, that this has put the wind right up him and he'll not do it again. But that's not very likely.

attila I see where you're coming from, but I don't think she'd want to read about me snogging her husband in a pub car park.

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