I think I already know this is not the greatest idea ever but...

[littlemeishere]

Hello lovely Mumsnetters

As the title says I think I know I am being silly.

To cut a very long-winded story short, there is a man that has been in my life for 9 years now. Over the years we have been in a relationship on/off but it was always long-distance as we live in different countries (but less than an hour's flight away).

We broke up last year after being together a good while again. He went AWOL, commitmentphobe (he is late 40s and I am late 30s).

After last year I swore blind never again. He was very immature in the split, wouldn't take my calls. In time though I healed and moved on with my life. I am sociable and fun but have not met anyone I click with to the degree I always had with him (it was kind of the situation where my friends that saw us together loved seeing the chemistry and banter. We have the same sense of humour).

Over the years he has offered to help me financially when I have been in bd situations (I never accepted). He has taken me on lovely holidays when I was totally cash-strapped and had no way of treating myself to anything like that. I suppose I just love his company and he does have it in him to be a very good man.

Well, last year he put out feelers again. Nothing dramatic, just asked how I was was, happy birthday, christmas, the usual stuff. I liked that he still bothered and was always polite. I imagined his commiment-phobic noose had loosened somewhat.

Anyway, cutting this short as dont want to bore you, we have been in contact the last month every second day or so and he may be coming over to where I live for a weekend soon. the texting has escalated to flirting.

Thing is, I have not had sex in months and I crave it. lol

Seriously, I miss it but am not the sort to go out and be with a randomer. I have tried internet dating and not met anyone that I clicked with - and believe me it is not through trying. I live in a smallish town and believe me, there aren't a lot of opportunities for meeting new eligible fellas.

So what do do? I know if I met him I would have a fantastic weekend. It was always like that. I'd get all dressed up, we'd go for a lovely meal, have great sex and then he'd be gone.

Now, part of me is rightly thinking - er, he really hurt you, why offer it to him on a plate (and we both know nothing serious is going to come from it - I don't want to move to where he is and I doubt either of us are willing to do long-distance again).

The other part is saying, it will be a great weekend, you know that you will never be a couple again and that in fairness he is just incapable of committing to anyone (never married), so go and meet him, have a blast, get it out of your system.

I feel incredibly sexy when with him. There is a strong mutual attraction and I have felt down for a few months now about being single. A little ego boost would be good. No?

Sorry, this turned into a but of an essay... but I am just looking for opinions here and know I will get honest ones here by the bucketload :)

My friends are torn. SOme say no way (but they are in relationships) and then others are saying for God's sake you only live once, you know what it is and go and enjoy a brilliant weekend.

Thank you for reading.

you may not be focusing on him now but he has been in your life (an and off) for a decade. He had his chance and nothing came of it.

In order to move on you need to relegate him to an inaccessible past and as hereIgo says cut all contact. Don't make it possible for him to keep coming back in.

Thanks guys :)

No, I don't want children, but you are all right, he has been a part of my life (on his terms) for far too long.

I won't be meeting him, as I said yesterday. He has had many chances and I do know that.

Thanks for all the top-notch advice :)

You're not head over heels in love with him. What you describe isn't love. He definitely doesn't love you either. As for the 'banter and chemistry': that stuff is supposed to be short-lived, progressing into something more stable quite quickly, if the relationship is authentic.

Find out why someone like this - who comes and goes, assured you will always be on the end of that piece of string - holds such a strong pull for you. You are in your late 30s and have not yet found someone to have a real relationship with by the sound of it. He sounds horrible, an emotionally stunted baby in a man's body. Less of the glamorous tags re 'commitmentphobe': he's a user, it's as grubby as that and not remotely glamorous.

£500 a night I'd say. Sorry.

You are in your late 30s and have not yet found someone to have a real relationship with by the sound of it.

apologies - I can't know that.

oh dear, I missed lots of pages!

Springydaffs

He is not the only relationship I have had in my 30s. I have lived with two other partners (even bought a house with one). I don't know what you are implying by £500 a night, but if it was what I think it was meant to insinuate, then that is incredibly insulting and totally uncalled for.

Well, it turns out the nice guy on the dating site is actually friends with a friend of mines boyfriend. We have never met, obviously, but he seems lovely and mad into travelling and a real socialiser - and his pic is lovely, too.

Stayed up very late last night chatting about people we know in common, so all looking very lovely on that front. And he is a year younger than me - a toyboy :D

Turns out he was meant to be at an event I was at two years ago but because he had a football match that day, he was unable to make it :)

Small world, indeed!!!

You are doing EXACTLY the right thing.

Empowerment is a wonderful feeling. Would love to see his face when you turn down his kind offer

Hi Abby

Oh yes, that would be priceless wouldn't it. He will be absolutely gobsmacked and am glad.

I have been ridiculous regarding him for far too long. I am 40 this year, so time for me to start a new chapter. I am happy to leave this one well and truly behind.

I shall report back on any tantrum throwing

Can't wait

I had to get rid of one of these once. I have never once regretted it.

How is it insulting little? It's what he wants but he's not prepared to pay for it. In fact, with what you've given him, he should have paid you £2k a night, as that's all he really wants - to get some really very good quality goods for nothing. I'm not suggesting you should charge him (!), I'm suggesting this is clearly the deal as far as he's concerned: you for nothing. Hence don't give it to him.

of course it's insulting! you are saying she's behaved like a whore. and did it ever occur to you that given she enjoyed the sex too she did 'get' something? sex without a marriage proposal is not prostitution. and comparing a woman to a whore for having sex with someone without a commitment will always be an insult and a particularly stupid one at that.

We'll have to agree to differ then. I don't see it as an insult at all. I'm not saying she behaved like a whore - she was authentic in it, assumed it was a real relationship - I am saying he treated her like a whore.

well done littleme
I was 'with' I guy like this for six years in my twenties - I was his FWB, but he was my obsession...pining doesn't even come close ... and he knew it

A male friend gave me the start of the wake-up call I so needed....he said, Wow, is that how it works, he clicks his fingers and you just hop into bed with him, no wonder he likes the arrangement.

It was then that I knew I just couldn't carry on being that person .

You are worth more than this man will ever give you

Thanks spooktrain and fair play to you. I do know I am worth so much more!

FWIW, sprinydaffs, I never acted like a whore or felt like one. I enjoyed my time with him, with his family spanning many years. I also no doubt would have enjoyed the sex - I always did and plenty of that was on my terms as well.

Yes, we can agree to disagree. I understand without knowing the whole history and only reading a post that the situation could be interpreted very different to how it was and to how I perceived it.

Tbh, what anyone else thinks is irrelevant.

I know that cutting him out now is the best thing and will not waver on that.

Plenty more fish and all that....

yes plenty of manky, bloated, half dead fish in the canal.

sorry, i've just revisited a dating site and it's hard to draw any other conclusion

Hi all, just a little update.

My living situation is pretty unbearable - cannot stand my flatmate as he is a perpetual bore with no life and never ever goes anywhere when not working. He has no friends and no hobbies and moans about everything.

I need the rent money and am stuck with him for the time being.

My best friend rang me last night and told me to fly over and she will pay half my fair (money very tight for me at the moment). I was looking at flights when a text from the ex came through.

i replied and said I was booking flights to see my bf (who lives in London where he does) and we had a bit of banter. He said we could maybe meet up... well, I took the bull by the horns and got a lot of stuff off my chest.

Told him that I had invested the best part of my 30s in him and that we never had a real relationship. He rattled off all the lovely places we had been and I explained that that was never what I wanted and that a real relationship is based on trust, loyalty, feeling cherished and secure.

He actually apologised and said that I was right.

He tried to make light of it all (very immature way he has of never addressing real problems) and make me laugh, but I tell you it was great to be able to say the things I wanted to say when we split and couldn't because i doubt he would have read any messages when he wouldn't take my call.

I feel so much better for taking control and saying exactly what I felt. I waited a year to be able to do it. I've said I wont be meeting him and he (reluctantly) has had to accept it. Wahoooo!

Thanks all for making me see sense. Was walking around today like a weight has lifted :) And no, he doesn't know where my best friend lives and lives nowhere near her so we wont run into him or anything. In fact, he knows my bf thinks he is a loser for all the stuff he put me through. :)

Life does go on :)

Hooray! Well done.

yes. well done. so pleased for you that you got the chance to say it all and that it was so cathartic

Thanks guys

Yes, incredibly cathartic. He has sent a few messages since, very sweet lol I don't know if he has actually taken it all onboard. I doubt it, but at least he knows exactly how I feel about him. I also told him I no longer loved him, that that died after last year and thinking about the way he was so cowardly.

Glad I got to say my piece. I really wanted to for ages but didn't think I'd ever get the chance.

His loss, not that he actually cares, more just a dent to the old ego, but I said it all anyway and it felt GREAT!

He hasn't seen this side of me, and it has been a long time coming.

Thanks again for all the great advice and support everyone :)

An update.... well, seems like he is still chancing his arm. I got a message off him that he was coming over to near where I live for Easter. All he wants is a shag and that is blatant.

He messaged me about 'catching up' when he is in my neck of the woods.

I replied yesterday that I was going away for Easter (not sure what I am doing) but I sure as hell am not meeting him.

This morning I got a reply: 'Well, I hope you have a good time' :)'

I was going to reply along the lines of thanks, I will, but then I figure why even bother?

It is great to finally feel as if I have the upper hand and won't be used again and be there for him and his bit of fun :)

Thanks to everyone who told me to tell him to sling is hook - you have no idea how liberating this has been for me.

In the past (pre marriage obv!) I was also a sucker for the FWB arrangement, partly because I HATE going without sex for long periods, partly because I always had trouble drawing a line between friendship and sex - it often rolled into one for me and I was generally very affectionate with people.

I never had my heart broken but there were definitely times when I wasn't pursuing a proper fulfilling relationship because I was getting at least some of my needs met (sex, affection, company etc.) by a physical friendship which wasn't going anywhere or was with someone unsuitable (emotionally unavailable, commitment phobic, too young etc.). On each occasion I felt much better when I ended the entanglement.

I don't think these kind of casual relationships are necessarily seriously damaging but they can lead to you wasting time settling for SOME of what you want rather than looking for the full monty. Glad you are moving on from him and wishing you all the best.

Thanks ionysis

I have finally closed the chapter. I said it before but never really meant it.

The chapter is finally closed and I feel such a feeling over finality and closure now.

I was so good to him and accepted so many lies and so much appalling bad behaviour. He must have thought I was a total mug - and he would be right, I was. But I am not anymore.

He has a huge ego so I dare say he thinks this is just a test, but never ever again will I waste my time and energy on someone not worthy of me :)

How truly liberating that is :)

Cheers again!!

Well done, OP.

I was going to type a big spiel advising you against meeting up with him, but I see that you have sorted it out on your own

In my experience, you don't meet other men you click with while you have a good banter/great sex/'back burner' guy, because you are never really able to open yourself up to the possibility. Bet my bottom dollar you will meet someone far superior some time soon