I think I already know this is not the greatest idea ever but...

[littlemeishere]

Hello lovely Mumsnetters

As the title says I think I know I am being silly.

To cut a very long-winded story short, there is a man that has been in my life for 9 years now. Over the years we have been in a relationship on/off but it was always long-distance as we live in different countries (but less than an hour's flight away).

We broke up last year after being together a good while again. He went AWOL, commitmentphobe (he is late 40s and I am late 30s).

After last year I swore blind never again. He was very immature in the split, wouldn't take my calls. In time though I healed and moved on with my life. I am sociable and fun but have not met anyone I click with to the degree I always had with him (it was kind of the situation where my friends that saw us together loved seeing the chemistry and banter. We have the same sense of humour).

Over the years he has offered to help me financially when I have been in bd situations (I never accepted). He has taken me on lovely holidays when I was totally cash-strapped and had no way of treating myself to anything like that. I suppose I just love his company and he does have it in him to be a very good man.

Well, last year he put out feelers again. Nothing dramatic, just asked how I was was, happy birthday, christmas, the usual stuff. I liked that he still bothered and was always polite. I imagined his commiment-phobic noose had loosened somewhat.

Anyway, cutting this short as dont want to bore you, we have been in contact the last month every second day or so and he may be coming over to where I live for a weekend soon. the texting has escalated to flirting.

Thing is, I have not had sex in months and I crave it. lol

Seriously, I miss it but am not the sort to go out and be with a randomer. I have tried internet dating and not met anyone that I clicked with - and believe me it is not through trying. I live in a smallish town and believe me, there aren't a lot of opportunities for meeting new eligible fellas.

So what do do? I know if I met him I would have a fantastic weekend. It was always like that. I'd get all dressed up, we'd go for a lovely meal, have great sex and then he'd be gone.

Now, part of me is rightly thinking - er, he really hurt you, why offer it to him on a plate (and we both know nothing serious is going to come from it - I don't want to move to where he is and I doubt either of us are willing to do long-distance again).

The other part is saying, it will be a great weekend, you know that you will never be a couple again and that in fairness he is just incapable of committing to anyone (never married), so go and meet him, have a blast, get it out of your system.

I feel incredibly sexy when with him. There is a strong mutual attraction and I have felt down for a few months now about being single. A little ego boost would be good. No?

Sorry, this turned into a but of an essay... but I am just looking for opinions here and know I will get honest ones here by the bucketload :)

My friends are torn. SOme say no way (but they are in relationships) and then others are saying for God's sake you only live once, you know what it is and go and enjoy a brilliant weekend.

Thank you for reading.

I don't think you sound like a fool at all, OP

You have had some good advice on your thread, though

especially xales

I reckon the excitement of getting ready for it will be tainted, and then the sex won't be what it used to be because you'll be thinking 'But where's it going?' all the while. :( Shame as I get the connection thing. Maybe try dating out of your area and maybe meet a new crowd to see if there's any banter there. I just started a new job out of a new office and the banter there makes me feel great. Who knew that right around the corner? Good luck anyway, whatever you decide to do and do come back and let us know what happened in the end, even if you see him and it's not all that.

Sounds like you're still into him and like he's a tosser with no respect for you. Stay well clear. Better a vibrator than a tosser ex.

Please don't do it! He will only mess with your head again, and however far you think you may have come getting over him, it will put you right back to square one. Have done this MANY, MANY, times over the last 5 years. (sad)

oops.

Thanks guys for the advice

Xales - great post and thank you.

Just to clarify though - he has not been on my radar. I said I wasn't pining because I wasn't, not because I am trying to convine myself. I know myself and I did date another guy and actively met other guys.

Your post really hit a chord - the bit about when he didn't take my call and knew how much I would have been hurting. I remember at the time thinking what a coward and I am focusing on that.

It is a shame as we always did have that strong connection. Do I think he met someone else? No. We had a fight prior to the split and I think that was the particular catalyst. Keeping a LDR going is hard, especially when it involves flights and huge costs.

I am remembering how I felt when he contacted me the first time about 2 months later - I was fuming. I think I need to remember that anger again instead of focusing on all the great fun times.

You have all been so helpful. I am taking it all in and right now I am feeling it wouldn't be worth it. Not that I'd get hurt again (I know it won't go anywhere), but I am thinking about why I should make it so easy for him IYKWIM.

So he treats me like crap and then he wants to meet me and I will be there with open arms. It makes me look pathetic.

And I am not a pathetic person. I'd be better off planning a weekend away with a few girlfriends.

Many thanks again everyone. :)

you certainly do not sound pathetic to me

Thanks AnyFucker

God, it is tempting but I know how I would look, like some desperate woman happy to sleep with him after he left me in pieces. It was so cowardly.

I have seen over the years how he can be. He once was totally in the wrong with a friend but would not make it up to him for ages and then they sorted it out. I remember saying to him 'cop yourself on'. I don't know why I was surprised he buried his head in the sand with me.

He ticks every box there is of commitmentphobia. Every one - I looked it all up when we split.

I'd be an idiot to let him think I could be swayed this easily, it would show that I accept his crappy behaviour and would be saying 'yes, it is ok to leave me in pieces, I won't hold that against you'.

Damn shame but that is precisely how I would look!!

you have had other other offers, right ?

take them up

put this player in his place

there can be a certain satisfaction in that

it will be much better for your self respect to say "thanks, but no thanks" than to shag him and feel used

do not under estimate the power of "take that baby"

it is great

Yes, I have had offers, but no-one I would actually want to sleep with lol

Yes, I like the idea of thanks but no thanks... hmmmm how to tell him now it won't be happening mwahahahahahahahaha.

I imagine there will be a few flirty texts and I think I'll just ignore them, see how he likes that. And it will be nice to close a big chapter with me having something of an upper hand.

I will let him know it won't be happening so he doesn't bother me when he is over here. Not that I will have a weak moment, but just in case!!

I wouldn't get too hung up on the idea of 'commitmentphobia' OP. It's just a psychobabble word people use meaning 'he didn't want to commit to me'. In all liklihood he'd commit to another woman, just not you. That sounds harsh I know but that's the reality of supposed 'commitmentphobes'.

So he helped you out when you were in a DV situation before and offered you money and brought you on a few holidays? Is that it? So what, those are scraps OP. Not a real relationship or anything approaching it.

I agree with the poster who said he dropped you before because someone else that took his fancy came along. The 'fight' you two had was probably engineered by him.

I say listen to your friends. Remember in all liklihood they're the ones who've had to hear you crying and re-hashing the hurt over and over. Then you feel better, move and and now you're thinking of going back for more?

Sorry but they probably dread having to pick up the pieces. It's not fun watching a friend brokenhearted. They don't have to have perfect relationships to justify trying to warn you off this car-crash.

I hope you don't meet him.

take up one of them other offers

someone upthread said that while you still carry a torch for him you are not open to anything else, and I think that was a very wise comment

tell himself to take a running jump, and open yourself to something else

really

who knows where it could lead ?

He is 48 this year, never married, never close.

I hear what you are saying - he didn't want to commit to me. He has committed to no-one and in all likelihood won't.

Maybe I am wrong, but approaching 48.... he has his life to lead and I have mine.

I didn't dump my heartache on my friends. I dealt with the vast majority of it on my own. I am not one to sit around pining over what could have been and didn't.

There is a lot of history. We spent many christmases together, I know all his family and extended family.

It would be weird catching up, asking how they were. I think I'd be silently seething that he treated me like sh*t last year and that is not going to make for a fun night.

I wont meet him, a night of passion is not worth it. I am glad so many of you helped me put it in perspective.

hand on heart I know I am too good for him and always was. Seeing him again would be a total step back and totally let him think all is forgiven. It isn't.

I'd not treat a friend the way he treated me, let alone a partner.

He is immature, always was. It is good to sit back and take stock and a lot of posts on here have made me take of the rose-tinted spectacles and I really am grateful.

I was thinking very differently this morning :) I was focusing on all the good and none of the bad.

Any fucker, I have opened myself up to a new partner. I dated one for a few months... I would love to meet someone in the same country this time. lol

Please don't think I have been sitting around waiting for him to come to his senses - I haven't.

I just had a silly weak moment and was enjoying some great banter. We had wonderful times, I wouldn't have been with him if I didn't. He was very supportive, emotionally and financially, when we were together and when we weren't (and no, as said I never took him up on any financial offers).

But he is a sh*t. That is what I am focusing on :)

I didn't think you have been pining at home, all alone, for him

and I get that you have had good times together, of course you have

but it is true that the shadow of him could have prevented you fully embracing the thought of someone else

remove him completely from your world and your head, and see what happens

AF, I here you. But really, after last year and the hurt he caused I said never again and got on with my life.

I want a good man, don't we all, and am prepared to wait, but trust me, when I meet one, that I fancy, it is reciprocated, we are both single, want to commit and all the other factors.... I am there lol

And I have been in that headspace for nearly 6 months. :)

hear, not here... sorry tired :)

I feel a bit bad I have been leading him on with the flirting, but so what... I am allowed to change my mind!!!!

yes you are

Start a carpentry course. If you're good at cooking and have a half decent kitchen do a one day food hygiene thing and then advertise your services for small groups teaching how to bake sea bass.

Think outside the box. fgs. Buy a rabbit and a small peninsular.

Yes, sure, meet this bloke. Demand oral sex then half way through sit up, put newsnight on the iplayer and tell him to go and get some chips and post them through the letter box.

UnlikelyAmazonian, I don't think you have read the whole thread.

I am not meeting the dude.

There must be something seriously wrong with me then because I don't "want a good man". I want a squillion pounds, a small house in Greece, a deep fat fryer, some very good draper scissors, a tile nipper, less dogs, more gin...a cheaper baby sitter would be good too.

sex and a partner are soooo way down my list of now-needs as to be invisible.

Am clearly barking.

Why would you want to open your legs for a man who has been a tuzzer to you?

Unless he buys you a family bucket of KFC..in which case, yes, go for it. I bet you he wouldn't

Maybe you are barking. I don't know.

I never said a good man was all I wanted or my number 1 priority in life.

And I am not opening my legs, if you care to read what I posted earlier this evening you would see that.

sorry
gaaah.