I think I already know this is not the greatest idea ever but...

[littlemeishere]

Hello lovely Mumsnetters

As the title says I think I know I am being silly.

To cut a very long-winded story short, there is a man that has been in my life for 9 years now. Over the years we have been in a relationship on/off but it was always long-distance as we live in different countries (but less than an hour's flight away).

We broke up last year after being together a good while again. He went AWOL, commitmentphobe (he is late 40s and I am late 30s).

After last year I swore blind never again. He was very immature in the split, wouldn't take my calls. In time though I healed and moved on with my life. I am sociable and fun but have not met anyone I click with to the degree I always had with him (it was kind of the situation where my friends that saw us together loved seeing the chemistry and banter. We have the same sense of humour).

Over the years he has offered to help me financially when I have been in bd situations (I never accepted). He has taken me on lovely holidays when I was totally cash-strapped and had no way of treating myself to anything like that. I suppose I just love his company and he does have it in him to be a very good man.

Well, last year he put out feelers again. Nothing dramatic, just asked how I was was, happy birthday, christmas, the usual stuff. I liked that he still bothered and was always polite. I imagined his commiment-phobic noose had loosened somewhat.

Anyway, cutting this short as dont want to bore you, we have been in contact the last month every second day or so and he may be coming over to where I live for a weekend soon. the texting has escalated to flirting.

Thing is, I have not had sex in months and I crave it. lol

Seriously, I miss it but am not the sort to go out and be with a randomer. I have tried internet dating and not met anyone that I clicked with - and believe me it is not through trying. I live in a smallish town and believe me, there aren't a lot of opportunities for meeting new eligible fellas.

So what do do? I know if I met him I would have a fantastic weekend. It was always like that. I'd get all dressed up, we'd go for a lovely meal, have great sex and then he'd be gone.

Now, part of me is rightly thinking - er, he really hurt you, why offer it to him on a plate (and we both know nothing serious is going to come from it - I don't want to move to where he is and I doubt either of us are willing to do long-distance again).

The other part is saying, it will be a great weekend, you know that you will never be a couple again and that in fairness he is just incapable of committing to anyone (never married), so go and meet him, have a blast, get it out of your system.

I feel incredibly sexy when with him. There is a strong mutual attraction and I have felt down for a few months now about being single. A little ego boost would be good. No?

Sorry, this turned into a but of an essay... but I am just looking for opinions here and know I will get honest ones here by the bucketload :)

My friends are torn. SOme say no way (but they are in relationships) and then others are saying for God's sake you only live once, you know what it is and go and enjoy a brilliant weekend.

Thank you for reading.

If he offers a KFC bucket will you send him my way? ((((dribbles at the thought of hot chicken wings))))))

lol, He'd get you the KFC... he would usually go all out, lovely flash dinner, plenty of good wine...

But he is a sh*t and doesn't deserve my fantastic company or a night of sex with me. He'll just have to lump it.

God, he is gonna be a bit peeved. Serves him right anyway. Messed me around enough times. He'll have to look for his fun elsewhere :)

Ah you do right.

Tbh men like him think they can click their fingers and women will coming running. I would guess that when you blow him out he'll spend a few days trying to convince you, and then he'll go into major toddler tantrum mode

haha geordie, yes, I think he thinks I am so in love with him I'd jump through rings of fire to see him.

The ego is going to get a battering alright.

And yes, he probably will try and convince me. And then he'll go quiet waiting for me to change my mind (because it is HIM afterall).

Stuff that. He should have treated me right when it mattered. Too little too late.

And how lovely to close the chapter with him knowing I didn't want him.

:)

sorry to pop up but i've been lurking.

You have made the right decision. You never know, if he's never been turned down before he might, just might start to question himself. You never know.

Good on you.

If you can emotional deal with it being just what is it a "naughty weekend" which if you have moved on like you say you have then I say "Go for it"!! but if you think it is going to leave you hurt & empty then protect your heart at all costs!

You are wrong when you say he has not committed to anyone, he has, himself

it's always a great boost for your self respect to be the one that says "no more" and mean it

You've made the right decision.

I was 'with' a man exactly like that for 7 years. Only, I wasn't with him really at all, for the last two or three. He kept me on the back burner and pulled me out and stirred me up every so often; then led me on and blah blah blah. He was a lieing, cheating bastard, but boy! did we click.

You can go into the w/e knowing - as much as you like - that it is just fun for a couple of days, but he'll pick up on that and exert himself to charm you and make you believe it isn't like that for him, not this time, things have changed blah blah blah.

Glad you're not giving him any more of your life. He doesn't deserve even a w/e.

i admire your strength i think. i totally get being someone who very, very rarely meets someone they feel genuine chemistry for and really, genuinely enjoys being with. it's not something you can fake and when it's rare it makes you really value it when you find it and want to hang onto it, trouble being when they don't place the same value on it very hard to resist getting some real fun and intimacy and... aliveness when it's on offer and when you know (despite what everyone tells you) that it is very rare.

wish i did feel it more often and that the type (whatever it is) that i really click with and enjoy was not so rare or so freedom orientated, but i think the freedom orientation is what we tend to have in common and is a big part of the chemistry.

sadly chemistry and attraction etc can't be manipulated by reason for me - it would always feel like faking it.

well done you on not meeting up with him but also if you do i personally would totally understand.

(would add i'm not attracted to arseholes btw it's more that they tend to be people with a plan that is out there in the world rather than insular find someone and settle down in suburbia and be satisfied with the mundane)

Thanks for the replies.

Jux, thank you. That is exactly what it would be like. It would be on his terms.

I just will not allow anyone to use me and he would be. I've always taken him back and it is time for me to change the record. Yes, the chemistry is out of this world, but I do believe afterwards I'd be waiting to hear from him and that worries me. I don't want that.

I want someone that would move mountains to spend time with me and that just isn't him.

And the fact he thinks I'd do anything to make this hook-up possible makes me look desperate and like I am still waiting around for him and no way am I letting him believe that.

He can seriously sod off. I'm worth far more. It's great to believe it and action that.

Swllowed a fly - thank you.

I have plenty of friends, I am likeable and popular and I met a lot of his friends and family over the years and was taken into the fold.

But he has issues. At almost 48 I think he still wants to belive he is in his 20s. He is a bachelor at heart and think he pities his friends that have settled down and got married. I think he thinks they all envy him when in fact they probably feel sorry for him.

I know someone said there is no such thing as commitmentphobia, but I believe there is. I read up a lot on it after the split and his behaviour mirrors everything I read.

When we split a close friend that has known the whole saga said he'd be back in contact. i said no. he was so cold. He said he knew how strongly I felt for him and his feelings were not as strong. Imagine me reading that - it was like a stake through the heart.

he cuts himself off, runs and cools down and then is back in touch again.

And I have always been there. Like a sad sap... because I have not had that connection with anyone else.

It is not just the banter, it is the way he makes me feel like the sexiest woman alive and I suppose being with someone on/off for so long you don't have the hang-ups you have with a new partner. I think that is part of it.

I am not the sort to be with a guy for the sake of it. I'd much rather spend my time with good friends than a guy I am so-so about. I know no man is perfect and I am open to meeting someone.

I'm far better off closing the chapter for good.

all makes perfect sense. let's hope it's possible to find someone who we have that chemistry with but without the issues. that'd be nice

Ha! They are out there..... somewhere :)

Littleme, I think you've made the right decision.

And it's funny you know, once you've made an active decision like that, things seem to start rolling. I'm not necessarily talking about another relationship - although who knows? - but more your attitude change seems to have an effect on life.

This is a big attitude change as well.

Do tell us what he said. Bet you're the first to say, "Erm, actually no, you're not good enough for me."

Not that it will change him.

Can you book to go away that w/e yourself? Arrange some fun things to do with good friends.

Great advice on this thread, OP stay strong, you really don't need to be made to feel the way that he has made you feel

Good call OP. You may have wanted a shag, but nothing compares to the feeling of being the one to say no to the entitled ex.

And that feeling lasts longer too

Do I remember this bloke? Were you meant to be flying out to Germany to see him and he went totally awol?
Well done for listening to everyone here as he sounds like someone you are better off without in your life!

OMG! The one I was not really with did that too! I had spent the only money I had for next two months on tickets to stay with him in another country, and he buggered off just as I got there!

Seriously better off without him.

Hi fridakahlo - no, I was never flying to Germany with him. Not to say is isn't the same guy lol

Jux. That is awful. You poor thing. What an absolute shit - another one. We are both better off. Anyone that can do what he did and the guy I talking about is NOT a good man. Imagine treating someone so badly. It defies belief!!!!

I think while he's on the scene in any shape or form you will never find anyone else or really move on with your life. Think about it. Might be ok now but what about when you're in your 40s?

brass - I am not focusing on him. In fact I am internet dating again and got a lovely message back from a guy I sent a message to the other day. :)

And is is cute to boot!

So all is looking up lol.

The ex is an ex for a reason and will stay that way. I wont be entertaining him in any way, shape or form. :D He had his (many) chances.