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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH threatening to leave AGAIN

100 replies

midwife99 · 04/02/2012 04:34

I've posted on this topic before (you must be sick of me)! Just wanted a bit of hand holding. DH threatening to leave again. He drank 1 1/2 bottles of red wine & then came & woke me up at midnight ranting on about how he married me out of pity. He dumped me for 3 weeks shortly before our wedding & says that actually he had fallen in love with someone else but I had been so upset that he got back together with me & we got married as planned. He said it was just pre-wedding nerves at the time but he now says he has regretted choosing me ever since & the OW has since married so he's lost her forever & is bitter & resentful about it. We have a 2 year old DD & 4 older children from prev marriages.
How can someone "he fell in love with for 2 weeks" as he puts it be so important now? I asked if he'd slept with her & he said "none of your fucking business". He keeps saying "let me go let me go" but I'm not holding him prisoner! He says I blackmail him to stay but how am I doing that?!! All I say is he'll have to tell his family he's walked out on his kids & not blame me! I also found out recently that he was having an affair with his cousin (yuk) when we first met so he's clearly a crossover guy, ie needs another woman to leave for. Unfortunately these threats have a huge physical reaction in me so I've had D&V all night while he slumbers downstairs.
I'm not v tough so the show him the door advice is wasted on me but could use a bit of hand holding while he makes his bloody mind up.

OP posts:
Littlemissnegative · 04/02/2012 04:57

Hi Midwife I'm dealing with a poorly child but couldn't read and run. Your DH sounds like a pathetic excuse of a human being, I am appalled at his treatment of you. You're just going to wait until he decides whether to leave? You say you're not strong enough to give him his marching orders but there's nothing to stop you from getting some advice as to how you should proceed if/when he does leave. See a solicitor if possible and please confide in someone in rl if you haven't already, at least you will feel more prepared. You need all the support you can get right now so keep posting. It makes me so sad to think that after everything he's put you through you don't feel able to give him his marching orders, but your confidence must be so low right now so I do understand. You're worth so much more than this Midwife, you really are. Hopefully other posters with experience of this scenario will be along soon to give you more helpful advice bur I couldn't just ignore your post. Huge unMN hugs to you my love.

TopazMortmain · 04/02/2012 05:38

OP - you know that this man is an excuse for a human being and you need to find your self respect, woman up and deal with this. Look inside yourself, please, and find the strength to quietly walk away from the horror of this relationship.

tribpot · 04/02/2012 06:21

I remember you from a previous, very sad thread of yours, midwife. How are you doing?

My guess is he's too cowardly to leave the relationship so is choosing to maintain a fiction that you are blackmailing him into staying. That way he can pretend to be the hurt party whilst you are utterly bewildered as to what you are supposed to have said or done that's led to this.

What is your desired outcome from this latest situation? I literally cannot imagine what you would want this man to stay around for, but it's your life and your choice. Supposing he does make his mind up to stay (which I think is what you want), how will you be sure that isn't just a temporary stay of execution until he gets another offer elsewhere?

balotelli · 04/02/2012 07:23

what a SHIT! you dont need this pathetic excuse of a man.
Pack his clothes into a bin liner and turf him out into the snow now.
You should not have to put up with behaviour like this. You and your dc deserve so much better.
Kick his sorry butt into touch asap.

brandysoakedbitch · 04/02/2012 07:39

Can I suggest you find yourself some time and get a bit of counselling. I would say the only thing to do it to show him the door - to constantly put you down is horrible and your inability to pull yourself out of this situation is because you have low self esteem (I cannot even bear to read your other thread, it is heart breaking) - It is no wonder you feel so bad when someone is constantly knocking you and criticising your appearance, no one could take take that. Please find someone to help you IRL because you do need a hand to get some perspective on this situation: it is very fucked up.

When you are in an abusive situation (and make no mistake this is what this is) the yardstick gets gradually moved and moved slowly along and before you know where you are you are accepting the unacceptable. If anyone had sat you down years ago and asked you if you would have stayed in this situation you would have probably have said no but now, after all this bullying you find yourself taking this sort of shit on the chin and waiting for him to 'make up his mind'. If your daughter or sister were in this situation what would you advise?

He has developed a way of controlling you and keeping you cowed, waiting for him to make his mind up (which he isn't really agonising over I can assure you. He is just fucking with you) - there is no quandary for him, he is certainly cruel enough to have let you down or left you in any situation at any point, He is just having a drama, it is extreme attention seeking and a great way of controlling you. Until you draw a line in the sand it will not stop: not ever.

This situation is not about how fat you are, whether he made a mistake, whether you manipulate him into staying it is about him being a massive massive cunt.

ComposHat · 04/02/2012 07:42

What a grade a died on the wool, gold plated turd of a man.

I know the cry of 'leave the bastard' is a mumsnet cliche. But reallly do leave him because he rely is a bastard.

Please take your children and leave, do it before this coward inflicts anymore psychological torture on you.

nkf · 04/02/2012 07:45

I will hold hands with you. Poor poor you. And I won't tel you to show him the door if that sort of advice doesn't work.

However, I will give you one piece of advice. See a solicitor. Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

Chubfuddler · 04/02/2012 07:46

I think you need to get counselling to find out why you have so little self esteem that you are prepared to be treated like this. I hope you are not having sex with him but if you are insist he use a condom and get checked for stds.

You know this isn't right, he isn't going to wake up one day and be a good husband. Prioritise yourself and do what you need to do to get yourself into a place where you make up your mind to kick him out. Because eventually when he's had his fun with your mental health, chewed you up and spat you out he will leave you. You know he will.

Bucharest · 04/02/2012 07:54

Do the counselling after you have told this man that you would like him out of your life.

Don't let him continue to call the shots like this.

PogueMahone · 04/02/2012 07:58

What an absolute shit! There is something far wrong with this man. How DARE he treat you like that. And as for the Mr Perfect mask that he slips on when other people are about, and he wore when you first met (I read your other thread)... It just shows that he knows he's being a shit to you behind closed doors, but he does it because he can and he doesn't care.

I second the suggestion to get counseling for yourself. It will give you the chance to see clearly what is going on, i.e. you feel so crap because of him.

There is nothing to be salvaged from this relationship. Save yourself and your own mental health instead.

AThingInYourLife · 04/02/2012 07:58

You don't need to give him his marching orders. He's said he's leaving, so just take him at his word.

You'll need to speak to someone about legal issues, and sort out finances.

Please, please don't wait for him to make his mind up.

He's said he's going, let him go.

Chubfuddler · 04/02/2012 07:59

I simply don't think she has the strength Bucharest.

Abitwobblynow · 04/02/2012 08:02

Pack his suitcase and ask him not to let the door hit his arse on the way out.

Midwife: your problem is not your H. You problem is how you ALLOW your H to treat you like this.

So: you experiment (with the above) is to test how you, Midwife, can survive with being on your own. This isn't about him, it is about you.

oldenoughtowearpurple · 04/02/2012 08:03

I hear what you say about not being tough. Consider your hand held.

If you find it impossible to throw him out, could you give him very clear permission to go? Rehearse a little speech along the lines of 'i understand you are very unhappy and we all deserve to be happy so I would like you to leave so you can find happiness.' Maybe write it in a letter to him too?

(Restraining self from offering very different kind of advice...)

Abitwobblynow · 04/02/2012 08:05

Because once you respect yourself (and stop secrectly believing he is right), you will not tolerate his disrespect of you. And when you don't, you will be amazed what happens. It is no use asking him to set boundaries you won't.

So hasta la vista Mr Mid, go and find your longlostlove, and see how she finds drunken, balding, fat, ardent declarations of love. Cheerio, toodle pip!

HoudiniHissy · 04/02/2012 08:14

Let him go!

Insist upon it!

Believe me, you will thank yourself for doing it!

Finallyfinally · 04/02/2012 08:14

You poor thing. I won't tell you to leave either - but I would ask - where do you really expect to be in 5 years time?

What would life be like if you did split up? I take it from your username you're working. What childcare does your DD have?

Do bear in mind your DD will base her future relationship on the way your H treats you... Sad

Smum99 · 04/02/2012 08:27

Poor you - I would recommend that you get some support (maybe counselling) as it's not possible for you to live under this type of relationship stress.

I think I remember your situation from previous posts - this is a remarriage for you and worry about the impact of another separation. If so just take small steps, get some outside support (family and friends might be too close to the situation) and see if that helps you to feel stronger.

Chubfuddler · 04/02/2012 08:38

I'd be more worried about the impact of seeing their mother being emotionally abused than another separation, but I appreciate the op probably doesn't fully understand that she is being abused.

chocoraisin · 04/02/2012 08:40

oh midwife what a horrible, horrible controlling thing for him to do. He has been wearing you down for a long time by the sounds of things, and now they are at a point where your confidence seems shattered.

This man has some very serious issues of his own and although you don't want to leave, I really second what others have said about getting some RL support from an objective third party. Either counselling, or even life coaching just to have someone to work through what you want from life. (I suggest LC because you can get it by telephone, at a time to suit you, so he's way less likely to know about a regular appointment if that worries you. Also some coaches can do pro bono work for free if you ask around). It sounds like you don't know what you want, and you are understandably almost too tired to try and work it out on your own.

You deserve to be loved and cherished and respected, by yourself as well as your partner. I really hope things improve for you soon and am sending you a big good morning hug in the meantime. X

Original poster
midwife99 · 04/02/2012 08:46

I feel like such utter utter shit Sad

OP posts:
Chandon · 04/02/2012 08:48

Just make good, quiet plans and avoid him as much as possible.

Are your finances in order? Have you got a bank account he cannot touch, with money in it? You really really must be practical now.

Start finding info about solicitors, so that IF and WHEN he leaves you are fully prepared.

Also make sure you keep som cash in the house ( to pay bills, food etc.) as when he leaves he may well empty your joint account, just read the relationships threads, it happens all the time.

Even if you cannot show him the door, you should tell him you think his behaviour is unacceptable, and he is hurting you.

But please please please get finances sorted and work on your financial independence!

Chandon · 04/02/2012 08:50

I will come back to this thread and check your financial set up is sound!

Holds hand, but also admonishes

Finallyfinally · 04/02/2012 08:56

Why do you feel like a shit?

This other "great love" - you realise that's utter bullshit don't you? After two weeks, he's no more in love with her than he is with Cheryl Cole. He's just projecting what he thinks a woman should be onto her.

learningtofly · 04/02/2012 09:01

But midwife he is making you feel this way. He is a grown-up but by blaming you he is taking absolutely no responsibility for his own actions. Which makes him a poor specimen of a man.

What he said is beyond cruel and no decent person would say such hurtful things.

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