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Original poster

DH threatening to leave AGAIN

100 replies

midwife99 · 04/02/2012 04:34

I've posted on this topic before (you must be sick of me)! Just wanted a bit of hand holding. DH threatening to leave again. He drank 1 1/2 bottles of red wine & then came & woke me up at midnight ranting on about how he married me out of pity. He dumped me for 3 weeks shortly before our wedding & says that actually he had fallen in love with someone else but I had been so upset that he got back together with me & we got married as planned. He said it was just pre-wedding nerves at the time but he now says he has regretted choosing me ever since & the OW has since married so he's lost her forever & is bitter & resentful about it. We have a 2 year old DD & 4 older children from prev marriages.
How can someone "he fell in love with for 2 weeks" as he puts it be so important now? I asked if he'd slept with her & he said "none of your fucking business". He keeps saying "let me go let me go" but I'm not holding him prisoner! He says I blackmail him to stay but how am I doing that?!! All I say is he'll have to tell his family he's walked out on his kids & not blame me! I also found out recently that he was having an affair with his cousin (yuk) when we first met so he's clearly a crossover guy, ie needs another woman to leave for. Unfortunately these threats have a huge physical reaction in me so I've had D&V all night while he slumbers downstairs.
I'm not v tough so the show him the door advice is wasted on me but could use a bit of hand holding while he makes his bloody mind up.

OP posts:
Original poster
midwife99 · 04/02/2012 09:02

Yes our finances have always been totally separate & it's my house all in my name so I'm safe although I do have to pay my XH 25% of the equity somehow. Was due last November when DS was 18 but although house has been on market since April no offers.

I feel shit because of yet another failed marriage & what an idiot I am to be in this situation again. DD is only 2. Sad

OP posts:
learningtofly · 04/02/2012 09:13

It's ok you know to hold your hands up and say "ok not worked out as planned/made a mistake". There is no shame at all in that. I bet you have a beautiful dd who is the best thing to come out of this relationship. She and you deserve to be loved and cherished not used as a scapegoat for a sorry excuse of a person

BeaMinor · 04/02/2012 09:25

Midwife, you won't recognise me because I am a namechanger but you gave me some fantastic advice and support on this board a while back and spurred me on to change my life.

I've not looked back since.
You don't deserve this. Don't blame yourself about your marriage failing - it's his fault for either being too spineless to cancel the wedding or for being an emotionally abusive prick during your marriage.

The things he has said to you are disgusting, cruel and designed to make you feel like shit and it's working.
Please turf him out. You don't need this sort of 'man' in your life, let alone as your husband! It sounds as though financially you will be ok but make sure you get some emotional support IRL. Maybe counselling?
Wishing you lots of strength and happiness in the future.

Chubfuddler · 04/02/2012 09:31

And now it becomes clear why he isn't leaving - he's cocklodging in your house until something better comes along. Angry

historyrepeats · 04/02/2012 09:32

Hes a knob. Sad Look I know you have said you won't be showing him the door but really unless you are prepared to help yourself how can anyone else. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this, never mind your DCS. Sad

Anyway in the meantime prepare yourself in case he does go, practically.

Lueji · 04/02/2012 09:34

Pack his things. Seriously.

Geordieminx · 04/02/2012 09:40

So hoped this wasn't you. Sad

Be kind to yourself, do not engage in any further conversations with this dick.

Think about what you want, but I can guarantee that you and your beautiful dd would be far better off, absurd
100% happier without this emotionally abusive, pathetic excuse for a man. He is bringing precisely nothing to the table, other than pain and hurt.

Chubfuddler · 04/02/2012 09:49

Relationships go wrong. It happens. There is no excuse for his cruelty. None at all.

PogueMahone · 04/02/2012 09:59

Midwife, don't feel you've failed, just because you married someone who very convincingly pretended to be a nice guy, when, in fact he is a cruel manipulative bastard. Don't throw good time after bad.

Tell your friends and family some of the things he says to you and check their faces. This will help you see more clearly what sort of a man he is.

singingprincess · 04/02/2012 10:00

Holding your hand.

You know what you need to do, so there is no need to say it again.

What you perhaps need to do, is find a way to make that quantum leap between knowing it and doing it. It's too great a step in one go, so maybe we can help break it down into baby steps? Maybe counselling? Maybe rebuilding a support network in rl of people who know the truth?

Maybe, just us on here telling you that you are a wonderful person that deserves to be happy? And you do deserve so much better than this, you really do. HE is the one that does not deserve you!

LadyMedea · 04/02/2012 11:53

You are stronger than you know. It's your house, your life.... take back control from this awful abusive man.

Get yourself to a counsellor to build up your reserves so you can set your boundaries and stick to them. Good luck sweetheart.

LyssaM · 04/02/2012 13:04

If you have been married less than 2 years he does not have a claim on the house. If you have been married more than two years he has a claim on the house regardless of the name on the deeds. And if the house sells due to XH's share then you will have a handy lump sum for him to claim on. You may need professional advice here.

nkf · 04/02/2012 13:41

I think living with the threat of leaving diminishes a person's confidence. It did to me. And then one day, I thought, "The next time he does that, I'm going to call his bluff. I cannot live in fear all my life." And I was not earning at the time. And breastfeeding a small baby.

It took me years to actually do it though. But I think you probably will. Or he will leave. Or between you - with the emphasis on between - you will sort your marriage out.

But this will not last for ever. It's too unstable. You can wait and see or you can take some kind of action.

The very least you should do is see a solicitor because your finances are complicated and you have children.

Good luck.

21YrOldMan · 04/02/2012 13:56

He won't leave.

Sorry.

It's your house, so change the locks when he's next out (that way you don't have to be tough, just phone a locksmith), and phone the police if he tries to break in.

And I know you said that sort of advice doesn't work, but this situation is never going to change until you get rid of him- he can abuse you to his hearts content whilst you take it- why would he go? He's already screwing around (you know this is true) and he's going to stay at your house indefinitely (you know this is true) because he can and because he's got it so that you wont/cant challenge him (you know this is true). Very comfortable for him, so why would he leave? Nothing will change until you do.

You have a choice:

  1. Change the locks and phone the police when/if he tries to break in
  2. Spend the rest of your life like this, and have your DD grow up thinking that this is a normal way for men to treat women.

Which one is it going to be? Good luck- you and your DD can have a life you both enjoy and have fun in.

FabbyChic · 04/02/2012 14:31

Look, tell him you are sick of him taking the piss and trying to make out that it is your fault the marriage is not working, tell him to get his sorry arse out of your face and out of your life.

DO IT. For your sake and that of your children, you don;t need this constant shit from a low life weakling.

RabidEchidna · 04/02/2012 14:43

Pack his bags, put them outside, change the locks and tell him to fuck the fuck off.

DO NOT WAIT FOR HIM TO MAKE UP HIS MIND

Original poster
midwife99 · 04/02/2012 14:44

Luckily he owns a house in Spain with similar equity & a business worth a mint so if anything he'd owe me if it came to a divorce. We've been married 4 years this year. One of the ONLY good things I have to say about him right now is that he's very generous financially. His XW had an affair & kicked him out & had never contributed to the joint finances (kept all her wages for spending money!) but he gave her all the equity in the house & he still gives her way over what she's due in maintenance & extras for their DD. I'm not worried about my house or money although it would definitely be harder to make ends meet due to tax credit & childcare costs rules changes from April but as another poster said, being threatened with being left & then him changing his mind regularly has worn me down until I can't think straight anymore. I've lost all confidence & don't know what is real. I don't think he's shagging anyone else now but has this ridiculous ideal of the perfection of women he had short term relationships with in the past, mainly because they never got to the day to day reality of living together with a young family. Sad

OP posts:
21YrOldMan · 04/02/2012 15:00

"I also found out recently that he was having an affair with his cousin (yuk) when we first met"

"I asked if he'd slept with her & he said "none of your fucking business""

It's definitely your business. You know he can cheat, you know he's committed adultery in the past at least once, probably at least twice, you know he lies to you (since you only found out recently about the affair with his cousin), you know he's abusive, and you know he's generally a twat. Don't trick yourself. Does he leave computer/phone unattended?

If you'll be quids in financially on a divorce, then there's even less reason not to do it (I would encourage you to split even if you ended up very poor upon divorce)

Heswall · 04/02/2012 15:06

Get everything ready planned and then either leave or put his stuff in binbags. I know that's easy to say but you cannot live like this, it's making you ill for god sake.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 04/02/2012 15:50

Not sure why you aren't "showing him the door" right this very moment, now, this minute. Because from your last post you don't sound like a pushover at all Confused

What does he mean by 'let me go' ? That sounds a little concerning. Have you tied his shoe laces to a radiator?

What a knob. Turf him out. I bet his mummy loves him and thinks he's wonderful.

Original poster
midwife99 · 04/02/2012 17:16

I feel completely unable to do anything either way as if I've been petrified. I haven't even cried, just puked & sat on the toilet all night (sorry tmi). I can't get the thought that on our wedding day he was in love with someone else out of my head. Why the fuck did he marry me then?

OP posts:
Squeegle · 04/02/2012 17:27

Hallo midwife, sorry you are going through this. It's not easy to get it- but those horrible things he says- they're not about you. It's all because he's so unhappy inside, and simply trying to make himself feel better by hurting you. Who knows what was really in his mind on your wedding day! It sounds from what you have related that his mind is allover the place..... He's not really consistent. So, if you are able to ... Detach from second guessing him, and think about what you want, and how you can get it. I have some inkling of how you may be feeling, my partner is very up and down, and can be really nasty. I've come to realise it has little to do with me and all to do with him.
Good luck, you have made the first step....

jesuswhatnext · 04/02/2012 17:40

oh, so his ex wife had an affair and kicked him out, wonder why?, cant imagine why she turned her back on such a gem!

my love, you are SOOO not a weak person!, you are a midwife for heavens sake! you didnt get to be one of those with out showing backbone, fortitude, perseverence and intelligence! i think you would do well to find a 'freedom programme' in your area and attend, this man will and is, wearing you down, you are already having physical problems (D&V) for goodness sake dont let him make you any more ill!

Heswall · 04/02/2012 17:46

You have to ask why the fuck did you marry him too ?

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 04/02/2012 17:51

He wants you to chuck him out so he doesnt have to take any responsibility for leaving you and your children.
He wants to be blameless and the wronged man.

Tell him if he wants to go he should go.

I know its not easy but there are lots of people on here who can help you.
You dont deserve a life like this.

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