DH threatening to leave AGAIN

[midwife99]

I've posted on this topic before (you must be sick of me)! Just wanted a bit of hand holding. DH threatening to leave again. He drank 1 1/2 bottles of red wine & then came & woke me up at midnight ranting on about how he married me out of pity. He dumped me for 3 weeks shortly before our wedding & says that actually he had fallen in love with someone else but I had been so upset that he got back together with me & we got married as planned. He said it was just pre-wedding nerves at the time but he now says he has regretted choosing me ever since & the OW has since married so he's lost her forever & is bitter & resentful about it. We have a 2 year old DD & 4 older children from prev marriages.
How can someone "he fell in love with for 2 weeks" as he puts it be so important now? I asked if he'd slept with her & he said "none of your fucking business". He keeps saying "let me go let me go" but I'm not holding him prisoner! He says I blackmail him to stay but how am I doing that?!! All I say is he'll have to tell his family he's walked out on his kids & not blame me! I also found out recently that he was having an affair with his cousin (yuk) when we first met so he's clearly a crossover guy, ie needs another woman to leave for. Unfortunately these threats have a huge physical reaction in me so I've had D&V all night while he slumbers downstairs.
I'm not v tough so the show him the door advice is wasted on me but could use a bit of hand holding while he makes his bloody mind up.

Yes he regularly speaks to me like that. But only in private, never in front of witnesses. He's a total gentleman then of course!! When he asked again what the matter is yesterday & why am I in a "bad mood" I replied that I'm not in a bad mood but I am bound to be upset at the moment & walked away. Later he came & asked why I'm upset & I replied because you told me you were in love with someone else when we married & told me you wanted to leave at the weekend. He said. "you got the wrong end of the stick, in fact I think you twist things just to have another stick to beat me with". I tried to tell him word for word what he said but he wouldn't let me speak so I walked away. I never raise me voice, I hadn't brought last Fridays events up again until last night so it's just gas lighting. I'm going out for dinner with my best friend tonight (who knows what he's like) & when I told him he said "but I thought we were going to reconnect this weekend!!" Words fail me!!

What a shit he is.

"I think you twist things, just so you can have another stick to beat me with"

This, OP, is called projection. He is accusing you of the very thing he is guilty of. Abusive people often do this.

'I thought we were going to RECONNECT this weekend'. Ex used to use terminology like this. It's bullshit (my experience, obviously) and meant a quick shag and then back to normal. I don't know your H so may have it wrong but it sounds like twisted mind games.

I think they just spout off some choice phrases they've read somewhere because it sounds good.

Useful diagnostic test here:

psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2008/08/04/how-to-spot-a-narcissist/

And I have ever, ever accused anyone of narcissim on this board, and in fact I think it is an overused term.

It really is all about him, isnt it?

And I dont believe for a minute you have twisted it. I was made to feel I had for a long time. Start writing down the shitty things he says, that made me see I wasnt mad!

Resentment/anger towards you, inconsistent, hypocritical, blaming, turning nasty after drinking towards you, waking you up and shouting at you, manipulative, using your fear as a weapon against you, undermining you, doing you a favour by being with you, married you out of pity because he felt sorry for you, keeping you uncertain/worried constantly about your marriage, promises of possible affection....................

'He only stays because you have a child' - that may be the next favourite phrase.

So sorry to read this. You must be in a constant state of sadness and anxiety without resolution at the moment. Take care of yourself and be strong with him. Make him realise he can't take back what he said and that things have changed between you as a result of what he said. Even if you aren't going to leave right now, he might think more carefully before being so cruel in future.

Midwife, how long have you been married?

What is OP's other thread?

Sorry you are going through tis. He is vile.

He is waiting for you to kick him out so he doesn't look like the bad guy leaving his marriage and children.

I'm assuming if he left he'd be taking his children. Let him look after them on his own - probably another reason he hasn't actually left. Whaty a loser.

If it were me, I'd be telling EVERYONE what he is saying. That would mean yopu getting in first, so when he does leave they all know the full story.

No man is worth this shit. Next time he says let me go, say do what you want, I'm not keeping you here against your will.

He is a total a-hole and you are wasting your life having him in yours.

I'd be telling everyone what he said.

I know you said you're not the type, but really, even though it's playing into his hands I'd tell him to go. This weekend, as he had planned anyway.

I'd tell MIL first, and my family, and all my friends and mutual acquaintances and anyone else,who cared to listen.

You deserve a hell of a lot better than this. Believe it.

Please tell this idiot to pack his bags and go.

I bet the other woman he was supposedly in love with would have had him out on his ear ages ago.

I've had a few days of contemplation. I haven't let him off the hook for what he said & I've told him if he wants to leave that's his choice. Next time he threatens it I'll hold the door open for him. He is squirming & desperately trying to justify himself but I don't want to hear it. I feel immune to anything he can say right now. We've been married 3 years btw.I'm away alone for 2 weeks soon which will give me space to think.
I received a granny pot plant for Valentine's which was delivered without a card or message - says it all really!!
Thanks for all your support guys. You're a great help.

It sounds like you have left him off the hook yet again

Why do you want to spend your life with such a vile man?

Next time. Why not this time?

Do be careful. If he feels that his emotional blackmail is not working he may resort to more extreme behaviour.

Mine did.

Are you going away with the children?

midwife - he may be squirming now but Lueji is right, if he feels you are are getting the better of him he will up the anti, dont forget, he knows exactly which buttons to press with you, he is a master of it! guard yourself!

It happens 2 or 3 times a year although interestingly the last couple of times I've said ok sod off then, you're not a prisoner, pack your bags, but you can tell everyone you left by choice, not been thrown out. He has then backtracked & apologised. This time he upped the anti as you said he might with the in love with someone else when we married stuff which upset me obviously & had the desired effect. He's backtracked again now but I've come to the conclusion that if I had just said fuck off you're full of shit & ignored him he would have not had what he wanted. I'm getting nearer to really not caring anyway. I'm never going to let him make me ill like that again & spoil a whole weekend but you're right, I'm still too chicken to take control & get rid of him. I'm not sure why. I'm away without the kids alone on a fast & retreat in India. I've done it before so know that some clarity comes with the process although discovering quite why I'm so scared to get rid of him I don't know. I've been a single parent before & coped really well.

Do you really want your DD growing up to think that this is how you are supposed to be treated by someone who is supposed to love you? Kids aren't stupid.

Mine became physically violent, btw.

Tbh, in your place, and having gone through what I have, I'd say don't come back home to him.

Plus try to talk to people in rl. You may be surprised at what they say.

Why can't you do it for your DC if not for yourself? They deserve a happy home.

you can tell everyone you left by choice, not been thrown out. He has then backtracked & apologised.

It seems like for both of you not being seen to be in the wrong or having failed is more important than actually not being in the wrong or having failed. I know that this is your third marriage (I think that's right?) and you don't want the 'shame' of another poor choice being known to the world. But the choice was poor and really, you can carry on living a half-life to protect the myth or you can cut loose and live honestly without this complete arse of a man dragging you down.

He will never leave until he finds a new victim, because he has too much of a cushy number with you to (metaphorically) kick about whenever he wants to. He will never leave without becoming 'the victim' publicly; even if he does leave for someone else it will mysteriously be 'your fault'. I don't think you can win the publicity battle with him, if everyone does think he is as marvellous as you think. But what often emerges in this situation is that a lot of people had private doubts but didn't want to say anything because they assumed you thought he was as marvellous as he thinks he is.

Midwife, do enjoy your break with the kids.

I wont comment on your decision- you will go if and when you areready.

The only thing I did think, having been married a long time myself, is that three years is quite a short relationship for it to come to this, isnt it?