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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH threatening to leave AGAIN

100 replies

midwife99 · 04/02/2012 04:34

I've posted on this topic before (you must be sick of me)! Just wanted a bit of hand holding. DH threatening to leave again. He drank 1 1/2 bottles of red wine & then came & woke me up at midnight ranting on about how he married me out of pity. He dumped me for 3 weeks shortly before our wedding & says that actually he had fallen in love with someone else but I had been so upset that he got back together with me & we got married as planned. He said it was just pre-wedding nerves at the time but he now says he has regretted choosing me ever since & the OW has since married so he's lost her forever & is bitter & resentful about it. We have a 2 year old DD & 4 older children from prev marriages.
How can someone "he fell in love with for 2 weeks" as he puts it be so important now? I asked if he'd slept with her & he said "none of your fucking business". He keeps saying "let me go let me go" but I'm not holding him prisoner! He says I blackmail him to stay but how am I doing that?!! All I say is he'll have to tell his family he's walked out on his kids & not blame me! I also found out recently that he was having an affair with his cousin (yuk) when we first met so he's clearly a crossover guy, ie needs another woman to leave for. Unfortunately these threats have a huge physical reaction in me so I've had D&V all night while he slumbers downstairs.
I'm not v tough so the show him the door advice is wasted on me but could use a bit of hand holding while he makes his bloody mind up.

OP posts:
Original poster
midwife99 · 04/02/2012 18:28

You've hit the nail on the head MrsDeVere - he wants to be the victim everyone feels sorry for by me chucking him out. I've confronted him about "being in love with someone for 2 weeks just before our wedding" (bollocks!) & accused him of therefore still being in love with her in our wedding day which was clearly a sham. He said - what are you talking about - I never said that! Apparently he was drunk & must have been rambling. Getting bloody cross now!! Angry

OP posts:
weblette · 04/02/2012 18:32

Reeeeally helpful Heswall... Not that the OP hasn't asked herself that before

OP Angry is good, get angry and use that to get the courage to boot his arse out.

balotelli · 04/02/2012 20:06

Midwife you are always brilliant at giving us advice and being there for us with words of comfort and hope.
Re read your op and then think whet would you reply if it wasnt you that had posted.
I think you know what you have to do.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 04/02/2012 20:46

Midwife I dont know you but you sound like a very nice person.
You also sound like a clever and strong woman but this man has tapped into your weaknesses (we all have them).

He wants you to feel like its your fault because he knows a little bit of you will always think 'is it my fault, should I have done something differently'

HE chose to go ahead with the wedding even though he professes to have been in love with someone else
HE has chosen to stay with you even though he tells you he doesnt want to.
HE has tried to make you feel ugly and unlovable (I have seen that other thread).

Yes there are always two sides to a story but can you honestly say that you have said or done anything to him that matches what he has done to you?

If he wants to leave again why doesnt he just fuck off?

Sorry to swear and all but honestly - tell him to stop whinging and do something about it.

YOU DESERVE MORE

AnyFucker · 04/02/2012 20:52

I second what MrsDV said

and third

ledkr · 04/02/2012 20:54

Having had this done to me-just the once,i can assure you that leaving this type of relationship is a damn sight easier than staying in it.
I second the suggestion to get yourself some counselling.If you felt better about yourself you wouldnt hesitate to get rid.
Hes a berk who uses your fear to abuse you,allow it no longer.

CupOfBrownJoy · 04/02/2012 21:00

what a total fucking bastard.

OP, it will take more strength, ultimately, to stay with this prick than to leave him, although it doesn't seem that way now.....

pictish · 04/02/2012 21:02

Awwwww OP....I am so so SO sorry for you!

Don't wait for him to make his mind up PLEASE! Make it up for him and kick his sorry, inadequate, bullying, abusive arse out the door!

He's done a right job on you. I am so sorry. Sad

pictish · 04/02/2012 21:05

I read your other thread too btw.

God...what can I say?

He's awful OP. There is no salvaging this.

Seabright · 04/02/2012 21:58

Midwife, as I see it you are a woman who has studied hard to qualify as a professional with a career which you could choose to practice anywhere in the world. You are a home owner and you have brought up children.

You don't get achievements like that by being weak, so don't think for a moment you are weak, as you obviously a not. You might be having a wobble, while you get yourself ready for dickhead to go, but that's all it is, a wobble, not a weakness.

Original poster
midwife99 · 05/02/2012 09:02

Thanks for all your support everyone which is right of course. I'll get some counselling to help me gain strength & see my way forward.

OP posts:
ledkr · 05/02/2012 10:25

mw,you dont sound convinced Smile Dont worry we wont judge you here,you stay with him as long as you need to and we will still support you.
In the meantime do make a few small plans or have a look into your options cos my guess is like me you will have to face this eventually.
psssst (Its the best thing that ever happened to me btw)

scottishmummy · 05/02/2012 10:36

Oh dear,gather your pals around
Get some support
Be kind to yourself, get some diversional stuff going on, throw self into work,home,kids. Don't dwell on the why's and what until you feel strong enough

Coconutty · 05/02/2012 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
midwife99 · 05/02/2012 11:03

I am convinced just weary. Baby steps but yes I know I can't live like this forever ...... Sad

OP posts:
pictish · 05/02/2012 11:26

Bless you OP - mumsnet will be here whichever and whenever. You will have support in this. xxx

nkf · 05/02/2012 18:15

Go and see a solicitor. It commits you to nothing but you will have useful knowledge and information.

I have been where you are. I can't even begin to tell you the awfulness I put up with before I got my act together. There were times when I would think, "What is wrong with me. Why don't I leave?" And then I did. And it felt like a light bulb moment but it wasn't. It was all the baby steps and the thoughts and the support from friends. And one day it all came together.

I don't know why I feel so sure but I think it will be that way with you.

Good luck.

BTGTT · 05/02/2012 19:30

OP, it's really no life being with someone who is like him. He may very well divorce you, ultimately, with the reason being your unreasonable behaviour when this has gone on for alot longer and you have become so negatively affected by his cruelness, and he will put the blame on you either way. But that could go on for years. He won't be the one suffering.

BTGTT · 08/02/2012 10:36

How are you doing, OP?

Original poster
midwife99 · 08/02/2012 22:23

I'm feeling kind of numb & tired & sad. H keeps asking - what's the matter - you're so bloody miserable - have I done something wrong??!!! Oh God I can't even be bothered to reply!!! Just keeping my head down & surviving work & children & a mega period this week. I'm going away alone for 2 weeks at the end of Feb so will be able to find the space & peace to think & really make some decisions. Thanks for your support guys

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 08/02/2012 22:41

i dont normally use the C word but i will make an exception for this twat. He is a Grade A cunt.
He has said "what are you talking about i never said that" he is gaslighting. Next time he starts this abuse (because thats what it is) record him on your mobile if it has that facility.
a. he wont be able to deny it and gaslight.
b.it will be proof that he is abusive which will help with the divorce.
c. Kick the cunt out. You sound like a great person and deserve so much more than this man who will never be happy with whatever woman he gets cos hes looking for something which doesnt exist.

cestlavielife · 09/02/2012 12:57

you need to leave him/he needs to leave.

but it wont be easy.

get some counselling and RL support for this.

BTGTT · 09/02/2012 20:06

He knows he threatens to leave you. Mind games. Do you think he 'cares' about your marriage as much as you do? Does he care if you're upset?

YummuMummy1989 · 09/02/2012 20:27

What you need to think about Midwife is where do you see yourself in 5 - 10 years time being treated like this? Staying unhappy with this man? Still be postig things on Mumsnet about how badly he treats you? Take your chance on life with a big breath LEAVE HIM! And give your future a chance on being happy - maybe on your own with your kids maybe even with a fab new man that will really love you and take care of you but until you do something about it ( and i am not saying it will be easy) you will never know what the future may have in store for you!!!

Please take everyones advise and LEAVE THIS MAN and stop giving him the pleasure of knowing you are at his backing call!

x

BTGTT · 10/02/2012 11:00

OP - how are you doing? 'None of your fucking business' is not a respectful way to talk to you. (I'm sure you know that). Does he often use this tone with you?

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