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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Acceptable excuse to be kicked?

88 replies

reignoffire · 02/02/2012 19:35

DH sometimes talks in his sleep, non-sensical words strung together, and in the middle of mumbling. It only lasts for a few seconds. He is always fast asleep (with eyes closed) when he does this, and snores before & after.

Something different happened last night. I was woken by him kneeing me, very hard, in the side.

He then started kicking me, over & over again. His eyes were open, and he looked at me as if he absolutely hated me, as if I was the vilest thing on earth.

I rolled away from him, till I was on the edge of the bed. He turned over & began snoring, I lay there crying.

I did wonder if he thought I was in his way, but couldn't understand why he kicked me, instead of just rolling me.

This morning he was all smiles, and couldn't remember it.

I'm concerned whether it could escalate, and still can't get over the look on his face

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 02/02/2012 19:38

Was he awake, or asleep?

If he was asleep but had his eyes open, then clearly that's not the same as him actually waking up, kicking you repeatedly and then going back to sleep whilst you lie there crying.

Is there another bed he can sleep in tonight?

GypsyMoth · 02/02/2012 19:38

That sounds chilling! So sorry op.

Tamoo · 02/02/2012 19:40

How absolutely terrifying for you :(

What was his reaction when you told him?

JustHecate · 02/02/2012 19:40

Oh, you poor thing. That must have been a really bad shock for you.

Do you think that he wasn't asleep? If you think that he was awake, that's a whole other thing.

But if he was asleep, then I don't think he can be held responsible and I don't think you can read anything into the expression on his face. People do some right stuff while asleep! People have leapt out of windows and alsorts!

Perhaps he should go and see a doctor and ask for a referral to a sleep clinic.

Is he under any stress? I know sleep walking / talking / activity can increase if you are under stress.

How did he react when you told him about it?

salmonskinroll · 02/02/2012 19:40

Did you tell him what happened?

mumblechum1 · 02/02/2012 19:40

It sounds as though he did it in his sleep.

Sympathies; my dh used to do karate in his sleep when we got together, always with the same leg. Not a nice way to be woken up.

I swapped sides with him and he still does it but kicks the wall instead

GingerWrath · 02/02/2012 19:41

Night terrors? Is he non aggressive in the day?

solidgoldbrass · 02/02/2012 19:43

Yes, how did he react? And how are things generally?
Because this is either part of an escalating pattern of violence from an abusive man - abusers often have 'excuses' for violent attacks and each time an excuse is accepted, they feel entitled to step it up a level more - or there is something very wrong with your DP and he needs to see a doctor.

THis could be a type of parasomnia (wierd activity while sleeping) and while that would mean that it isn't his fault it's his responsibility to make sure it never EVER happens again which means going to the GP and working out what triggers his attacks of it and what the warning signs are, so that if he thinks he might have a kicky night he fucks off to the spare room or the sofa.
Because no matter why it happened, it's not acceptable. At all.

BramblyHedge · 02/02/2012 19:43

Sounds like night terrors. my ds has these. he looks almost evil and right through me and kicks and screams. he isn't awake though. my mum used to get this and attack dad in her sleep.

GrownUp2012 · 02/02/2012 19:54

It could be a sleep disorder. My partner has this quite regularly, although not to the degree you described, if he ever attacked me like that our sleeping arrangements would have to change to suit my safety over his sleep disorder.

I get kicked on a regular basis, and tend to sleep elsewhere if he has a particularly active night. Had an elbow to the face before too, that hurt.

It's quite scary before you realise what it is, the first episode I experienced was him trying to have sex with me, and it took me a while to work out he was actually asleep (I got quite upset that he wasn't stopping because I had a UTI and was in pain), he was mortified being woken up and told.

The doctors can help him to learn triggers and even medicate I think.

AttillaTheMum · 02/02/2012 19:55

I do this.

I move a lot in my sleep from doing the mexican wave to grabbing DH around the neck. :(

Original poster

reignoffire · 02/02/2012 20:01

I did tell him; he just said that he didn't remember.

He does have a temper on him, and has given me 'that face' before, when I've angered him.

He didn't seem particularly concerned, just said that he couldn't remember.

I don't know for sure whether he was awake or not. He didn't look asleep, and he definitely didn't look scared, just really angry.

He always snores & does stop breathing for short periods (apnea?) but he didn't start snoring immediately he turned over.

I'll ask him about seeing a Dr, though I suspect he'll just say it's not a problem

OP posts:

DartsAgain · 02/02/2012 20:02

My DS (aged 8) does stuff in his sleep and if you didn't know him you would think he's awake to look at. I can always tell if he's awake or not, there's something about his expression. In his case, it's a very confused expression, and if you try to talk to him, he doesn't seem able to process what you've said or even talk back. I've recently had him going to the loo upstairs and then quite calmly walking downstairs and trying to go outside, at 11pm.

JustHecate · 02/02/2012 20:02

I would be very upset that he didn't appear to care.

The correct response is "Oh no, oh, darling I am so sorry. I didn't hurt you, did I?"

Original poster

reignoffire · 02/02/2012 20:04

You see that's the thing Darts he didn't look confused, or else I wouldn't have cried, he looked angry... as if he hated me.

Maybe it is a sleep disorder, but it does worry me

OP posts:

Original poster

reignoffire · 02/02/2012 20:05

I just wondered what on earth I did to make him kick me like that. As I said he does have a real temper on him, and scares me at times

OP posts:

JustHecate · 02/02/2012 20:07

Well then, something he may have done while sleeping is not the issue to address, is it? It's how he is when he is awake that needs dealing with.

Does he hurt you?

ABatInBunkFive · 02/02/2012 20:07

Sleeping or not his reaction has horrified me. MyDH has sleep apnea and is a very restless sleeper if i tell him he's bashed me in the night he couldn't be more sorry, so now i tend not to unless i want something it hurts.

Original poster

reignoffire · 02/02/2012 20:09

He doesn't hurt me JustHecate, and recently he's been on antidepressants and has been much nicer

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 02/02/2012 20:10

his reaction to him kicking the fuck out of you, is all you need to know

Original poster

reignoffire · 02/02/2012 20:10

If it was accidental kicking I'd understand it more, but it was lying on his side, kicking with both feet, over & over till I moved right to the edge of the bed, and then he just turned over

OP posts:

JustHecate · 02/02/2012 20:14

Antidepressants can have side effects including sleep problems. Have you checked the list of side effects?

See, if he was asleep, then it's really not his fault. He does need to do something about it though! But what would worry me, in your shoes, is that when told what he had done to you - he wasn't really upset about it.

ABatInBunkFive · 02/02/2012 20:15

Again, the fact he wasn't bothered is what matters.

JustHecate · 02/02/2012 20:16

x-post - so are you saying that you think that he was awake and kicking you to make you move, and then pretending this morning to not know anything about it?

Is that more or less likely than it being a sleep 'walking' (don't know proper word) episode?

ChasTittyBeltUp · 02/02/2012 20:19

My DH has a sleep disorder and is always upset when he has been weird at nght as it IS frightening.

He is always but always sorry and wants to know what happened.

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