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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Acceptable excuse to be kicked?

88 replies

reignoffire · 02/02/2012 19:35

DH sometimes talks in his sleep, non-sensical words strung together, and in the middle of mumbling. It only lasts for a few seconds. He is always fast asleep (with eyes closed) when he does this, and snores before & after.

Something different happened last night. I was woken by him kneeing me, very hard, in the side.

He then started kicking me, over & over again. His eyes were open, and he looked at me as if he absolutely hated me, as if I was the vilest thing on earth.

I rolled away from him, till I was on the edge of the bed. He turned over & began snoring, I lay there crying.

I did wonder if he thought I was in his way, but couldn't understand why he kicked me, instead of just rolling me.

This morning he was all smiles, and couldn't remember it.

I'm concerned whether it could escalate, and still can't get over the look on his face

OP posts:
ChickensGoMeh · 02/02/2012 22:38

AD's can cause sleep ishoos. They give me restless legs, so I sort of Riverdance around the bed all night. I've never kicked DH, though. Or if I have, he's never mentioned it.

Kayano · 02/02/2012 22:44

AF I love you but it is worth asking these questions surely?

Original poster
reignoffire · 02/02/2012 22:45

Actually I probably did bring it up badly. When he asked how I was I said "Oh you're speaking to me now, I thought I'd done something wrong when you kicked me". He asked what I meant, and I told him, and showed him where a bruise is coming up, he just said he couldn't remember.

I've spoken to him again this evening, after reading how most people would expect him to be horrified, and he just laughed, then told me I must have imagined it, and the bruise was probably from where I'd bumped into something, then dreamt he kicked me Hmm

OP posts:
StayForNoone · 02/02/2012 22:48

When I first was told I had sleep issues (fear not anger) I didn't believe it. I had no recollection of how I was told I reacted when drifting off to sleep and someone coming into the room. I thought it was the ex trying to manipulate me in all honesty and was defensive. I would suggest looking up hypnagogic hallucinations. It might fit. But either way you should not have to sleep in fear.

ChickensGoMeh · 02/02/2012 22:48

Well, that's odd. The fact that you're bruised and he hasn't even said sorry makes it clear that this isn't just a case of him not understanding that he hurt you. Hmmm.

Sparks1 · 02/02/2012 22:49

I'd rather be missing a trick than missing the point AF

AnyFucker · 02/02/2012 22:50

if it's worth asking the questions, it's worth countering them, kay

I love you too, kayano, but I think you are seeking to excuse

that's never a good thing

if this bloke really hurt his partner, as seems possible, since I assume he is bigger and heavier than her, would you still be letting him off the hook ?

because he thinks he is off the hook, which means when/if he bloodies Op's nose, knocks her teeth out, breaks a limb yadda yadda with his uncontrollable kicking, he can say "it's not my fault"

it is his fault, if he doesn't take steps to ensure he can't hurt his loved one in the future

ChickensGoMeh · 02/02/2012 22:51

So, do you think he's lying about not remembering, OP? Because that's crucial, I think. Do you have reason to believe he has deliberately, for no reason, kicked you repeatedly in the middle of the night?

Kayano · 02/02/2012 22:52

I was the same stay for no one. Only it was DH who had to convince me BlushConfused

AnyFucker · 02/02/2012 22:52

we all have a point, sparks

that is the point

don't start with the "oh don't listen to the hysterical posters" bollocks

Op asked for opinions....don't write off a whole bunch of posters because, in your opinion, they are over reacting

Kayano · 02/02/2012 22:55

I'm not seeking to excuse but I am perturbed to see him labeled as abusive straight away because I reacted in a very similar way to him and I'm certainly not abusive.

I was defensive too and I thought DH was making it up at first Confused that's why I feel uneasy on this particular thread...

Also there are other things to take into account like the antidepressants etc. I would wait to see how this plays
Out and as it is the very first time and he had sleep issues anyway I am honestly inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt despite te reaction AF

AnyFucker · 02/02/2012 22:56

so, OP is mad now

she imagined him kicking her

and she imagines the bruises

ok

ROF you know that domestic abusers try to tell their victims they walked into a door/hit themselves/fell onto their fist/shouldn't have been in the way of their kicking feet don't you ?

it isn't right, OP

he should be trying to put this right, not trying to make you feel like you are making it up

StayForNoone · 02/02/2012 22:58

I would never try to judge or assume whether a poster is being abused unless absolutely clear it's so. Sleep issues are out there and yes it could be used as an excuse by an abuser. But as none of us know the op or her dh best advice would have been to protect yourself from further harm with separate beds and consult a sleep professional for an opinion. Suggesting intentioned abuse in such an unclear situation is an over reaction. With the best of intentions towards the op's well being.

Sparks1 · 02/02/2012 23:06

Indeed AF, and as such my opinion is just as valid so please don't smear it with a thin veiled layer of sarcasm and try and derail the thread.

I assume by your comments then that there is no hysteria on these boards?

Anyway, more importantly, back to the OP.

He needs the GP ASAP. And you need to make him fully aware of the gravity of the situation.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2012 23:10

sparks, it was you that came along and attempted to derail the thread

it seems to be the "in thing" these days....take a pop at the Relationships Regulars

squeakytoy · 02/02/2012 23:15

I dont think he intended to kick you, it certainly sounds like he was asleep, even with eyes open.. but his attitude to it afterwards is fucking terrible, and completely devoid of any remorse that a decent person would feel if they had done what he did... regardless of the fact he was asleep.

The fact that you have said he has a temper that scared YOU is worrying.

StayForNoone · 02/02/2012 23:18

I disagree AF. I don't think sparks tried to derail the thread at all, I think he wanted to clarify the situation from two points of view only. I would go so far to suggest you detailed the thread by your direction to him elsewhere.

This is what lets the relationship topic down. Arguments amongst the other posters and snidely comments. Here we have an op that may or may not be being abused. That should be the focal point, nothing else.

StayForNoone · 02/02/2012 23:19

Detailed should have been derailed. Autocorrect Confused

AnyFucker · 02/02/2012 23:21

so, stayforNoone, you want the focal point to be the OP

yep, with you there

yet, you add your voice to a disagreement between 2 posters that had left it alone

so making it 3 fold

way to go, if you want to keep it on topic

squeakytoy · 02/02/2012 23:27

I have a husband who has patted me on the head many times in the nights, and said "good boy charlie"... ..... thats the dog.. Hmm

Last night he was talking about how he loved Tonka toys.. Confused

Some nights he has thrown his arm across the bed with such force that it has hit me in the mush... quite painful.

He has kicked me... and called me a cunt.. Angry... although he did also mention his ex-wifes name too shortly after in the same dream!!!

We have full conversations, including him getting up to go for a pee, coming back, and carrying on the conversation, and the next morning he has absolutely no recollection of it..

BUT.... (sorry.. I know.. always a but)

When I tackle him about it the next day.. he NEVER gets angry with ME.. we laugh about it.. or he apologises.. but he does not try to shift any blame onto me...

OP, can I ask.. has your husband been drinking before he goes to sleep, because I always find that my husband is a lot more irritating if he has had any alcohol.. he is always much more restless in bed.

Kayano · 02/02/2012 23:27

Hmm to all of you. It's like the twilight zone in here tonight. I'm now sat questioning myself! Confused

I'm going to have a chat with DH about this in the morning because he is asleep now and I want to know how my sleep issues make him feel as we have a 'sorry if I did anything last night' ... 'ok you were asleep' setup which is obv different from op but I've not really thought about it from an abuse angle...

StayForNoone · 02/02/2012 23:28

I could rise to that AF and prove a point but my only concern is that the op protects herself and makes it clear to the dh that a medical opinion is sought before accepting this is a clean cut dv case which you suggest it is. Sparks wanted further clarification, I don't see anything wrong in that despite your redirection.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2012 23:38

kayano, you are ok with your sleep issues

you say your H is ok with your sleep issues

all is good

OP is not or she would not have posted

squeakytoy · 02/02/2012 23:50

kayano.. I wouldnt be saying abuse if it were not for what the Op has posted about his attitude towards it when told about it, and the fact she seems very scared of his temper... the sleep issue alone would not be a factor.. it is the rest of it that to me sounds very iffy.

Sparks1 · 02/02/2012 23:50

"in thing" ?

Not at all. In fact i think you'll find we have posted very similar opinions to numerous posters on numerous threads.

What has to be remembered is that these opinions can have an affect on real people's lives. I don't like when people make assumptions based on what has been posted here before. It's unfair at best to the OP. At worst it's severely misguiding and damaging.

Granted DV does have patterns and common signs. But most of us would be sectioned if we displayed any one behavioural action of a mad person at any given time. The sad fact of the matter is it takes a collection of these behaviours in any given time to identify an abuser.

OP, GP ASAP.