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Original poster

Acceptable excuse to be kicked?

88 replies

reignoffire · 02/02/2012 19:35

DH sometimes talks in his sleep, non-sensical words strung together, and in the middle of mumbling. It only lasts for a few seconds. He is always fast asleep (with eyes closed) when he does this, and snores before & after.

Something different happened last night. I was woken by him kneeing me, very hard, in the side.

He then started kicking me, over & over again. His eyes were open, and he looked at me as if he absolutely hated me, as if I was the vilest thing on earth.

I rolled away from him, till I was on the edge of the bed. He turned over & began snoring, I lay there crying.

I did wonder if he thought I was in his way, but couldn't understand why he kicked me, instead of just rolling me.

This morning he was all smiles, and couldn't remember it.

I'm concerned whether it could escalate, and still can't get over the look on his face

OP posts:

misty0 · 02/02/2012 20:22

reign - i feel very much for you. It is very upsetting and frightening when a DP behaves hatefully towards you while (supposedly) asleep.

I've had experience of this myself. With my DP it was alcohol fuelled. i am hoping we have put it behind us now.

The point i'm coming to is the same as others have said - that in your case its his reaction the next day that is worrying. No sorrow or remorse. Plus the fact that he scares you. He should have been mortified to hear what he had done in the night.

I think there is more to this than a sleep disorder. Have you/can you talk to anyone in 'real life' about this?

StewieGriffinsMom · 02/02/2012 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FetchezLaVache · 02/02/2012 20:32

I was going to say get him straight to the GP to sort this out- someone I knew had a DP who did this sort of thing, but with medication he was fine. The difference is, however, that when he punched her in the stomach in his sleep when the GP decided he could come off them, he was MORTIFIED. I have no doubt, from what you say, that your DP genuinely didn't know he was doing it, but his reaction is a massive red flag.

DorothyGherkins · 02/02/2012 20:36

Or if he wont go to the GP maybe you could go and ask questions about this, I am sure they could give you some idea of what might be going on, and if there are things they could do to help. I just get the idea your DH wouldnt dream of going to the GP over something like this!

overmydeadbody · 02/02/2012 20:40

Like others, I am at his reaction. He should have been mortified, or at least sorry and given you comfort. Sounds like he doesn't actually care that he hurt you, even if it was by accident.

LizzieChickens · 02/02/2012 20:45

I've been having horrible nightmares recently (due to post-traumatic stress disorder) and last week I actually bit my partner in my sleep. The difference is that I apologised repeatedly and profusely, checked he was all right, and went to my GP the next day to ask for some advice/pills.

Hardgoing · 02/02/2012 20:45

I think you need to be very frank with him about what happened, don't just say 'you kicked me in the night, do you remember?' as he may just think he did one kick, but spell out what happened, which is that he sustained a really serious assault on you. He kicked you many many times and terrified you. If you think for one second he was awake, you need to get out of there. If you think he was asleep, then he needs to be a) very very sorry and b) get help straight away. If he continues to dismiss it, this is also a very bad sign and means he's not worried that he hurt you,

Kayano · 02/02/2012 20:49

I proper kicked DH last week! I woke up in the middle of kicking his shins and telling him off for putting a cold can of coke against my back!!!

I do this with my eyes open but I am asleep and often need to be told of the crazy stuff I do. It really started in my teens but got worse.

Btw there was NO can of coke anywhere...

Kayano · 02/02/2012 20:53

I think his reaction is pretty normal in all honesty if this is the
First time...

When DH told me the first time I was 'whatever'

But then I mentioned it to my parents and they were like 'you DO do stuff like that'

Apparently I get 'the look' so they can tell I am asleep even with my eyes open

Lueji · 02/02/2012 20:55

He needs to see a doctor about his sleep.
If it gets worse, maybe you should get twin beds or move rooms.

My dad has had periods of thrashing about in bed and hurting my mum.
It may be that he is awfully stressed and can only release it during his dreams.

sasslejaney84 · 02/02/2012 21:01

I have episodes very like this, I've kicked my OH out of the bed and told him I was going to kill him if he tried getting back in, I've grabbed hold of his bits and tried to turn over away from him! I've kicked him, hit him, kneed him in the bits and probably more!! I'm always asleep and never know any thing about it the following day!! I've had my eyes open and my eyes closed while doing this, my OH can get a little scared sometimes!

I'm now waiting to be refered to a sleep clinic, maybe suggest going to the doctors about it?? Its not right and shouldn't happen, suggest it and see where it leads...

neuroticmumof3 · 02/02/2012 21:06

Hmm, I'm not convinced he was asleep. He uses 'that look' to intimidate OP when he's awake and at times he scares her. I know that people can be violent in their sleep, I've hit my sleeping partner before and have been diagnosed with parasomnia (I also sleep eat!) but this isn't ringing true for me.

solidgoldbrass · 02/02/2012 21:15

SO he behaves a bit like this in the daytime? Sleep disorder my arse, this is an abusive man escalating. So sorry, OP. It's not right and not acceptable for your partner to frighten you like this. I strongly suggest having a chat with Women's Aid about your options.

Kayano · 02/02/2012 21:31

So looking at someone the wrong way is abusive now?

I don't think we can say that he is an abusive man escalating based on what op has posted! He had sleep issues anyway and in now on antidepressants! Has she checked the side affects? My cousins AD affected we to the point she is now epileptic and fits

I think a lot of people are very quick to shout abuse. We don't and can't possibly know that!

AnyFucker · 02/02/2012 21:38

kayano, how would you explain this bloke's apathy and disinterest in the fact that he kicked his female partner repeatedly during the night ?

does it seem ok to you ?

that he isn't bothered

and that OP herself has said she has concerns about his attitude towards her during the day

those are OP's words, nobody else's...not one poster has put those words or ideas in her head

nobody is "shouting abuse"..the Op is quietly laying it all out in black and white

Kayano · 02/02/2012 21:41

Read my last posts. I do it and first time DH told me I was all 'honestly I do NOT remember' I was quite perplexed and even had to ask a few times 'are you shitting me?'

I then apologised later as I was so I can sort of get his reaction the first time. All I am sayin is they guy is now taking new ad, it's the first time doing this do we can't say 'he is totally abusive' straight away in this particular instance IMO

neuroticmumof3 · 02/02/2012 21:56

I thought OP had said at times he scares her but now I can't find that bit

ChickensGoMeh · 02/02/2012 22:02

Did you explain how hard he'd kicked you, OP? Did you tell him it hurt? Because if you said 'Oh, you kicked me last night you git' in a jokey way I can see why he might not take it seriously. But if you told him that he hurt you, scared you and made you cry and he shrugged it off...that's very different.

ABatInBunkFive · 02/02/2012 22:03

Not quite the same as not being particularly concerned is it? OP didn't say he seemed confused or at all bothered tbh, that reaction is not normal.

ArtexMonkey · 02/02/2012 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoudiniHissy · 02/02/2012 22:11

If any one of us wok in the morning to be told by our DP/H that we kicked them - even once - we would be HORRIFIED.

His reaction to all this is the most chilling.

OP, you need to take this seriously. This is not right love.

ChickensGoMeh · 02/02/2012 22:14

DH gave me a black eye once when he had a nightmare and flung his arm out. He was mortified, as you'd expect someone to be if they'd inadvertently hurt someone they loved. Are you marked, OP?

Sparks1 · 02/02/2012 22:19

How exactly did you bring it up with him OP?

And how exactly did he react?

Good to see the usual suspects take no account of perspective or situation before casting their cliched all encompassing assumptions....

StayForNoone · 02/02/2012 22:35

You need to protect yourself when he is sleeping. From the sounds of it he was asleep. I say that as a woman with sleep issues in times of stress. I would be looking to prevent it happening again through sleeping separately and getting him to see a gp in regards to his sleep problems. People are very quick to suggest abuse, the difference is finding out if it is intentioned or sleep induced..deliberate or not. If your relationship is generally good, I would think the latter.

AnyFucker · 02/02/2012 22:36

sparks, there is a thread in AIBU needing your attention

you are missing a trick, mate

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