How can I fix this? Do I want to?

[ivmessedup]

I've messed up. I recently, stupidly told my DP about an affair I had many years before we met with a work colleague. He knows the guy and it's been hell since. He wants to know why and analyses every single response I give. He says our relationship is based on a lie - on the person he thinks I was and now knows I'm not. Nothing I say makes any difference. Is it just me, or is he making a meal of this? (haven't said that of course - lol)Had to sit through an interrogation last night, told I was a slut and a liar etc etc. He sets traps for me, trying to trip me up - then - Aha! I knew you were lying about that - sort of thing. Help!

Its not really any of his buisness is it ? Id not be interrogated by anyone , let alone in this situation . Just tell him its none of his business , you shouldnt have told him , and its not up for discussion again . Ever .

Why did you tell him ?

I'd had a bit to drink and said something that got him suspicious, I can't really remember what and because I couldn't remember, the next day I had no option but to 'fess up. He is like a dog with a bone if he thinks the wool's being pulled, I knew I wouldn't be able to wriggle out so thought maybe honesty was the best policy - NOT!

Is he usually jealous ?
Sounds like hes enjoying beating you over the head with this .

Your partner sounds deranged and I wouldn't try to fix this. You are not a slut for having slept with someone YEARS before you were with your partner. His behaviour is shocking- I could understand insecurity or curiousity, that seems like a human response- but this horrible behaviour and insults and paranoia is far, far too much. Being called a slut and a liar by the person who is meant to love you is wrong.

Does he often act like this?

Yes, OP does sound like he's being a bit bloody irrational here and I thought during reading "Does he have a jealousy problem"?

Feels like that. He's coming home ealry from work today to "talk" about it again. I feel like running away. :-(

He sounds like a right tiresome chump! He is often like this?

Personally I would refuse to respond to anymore of his immature quizzing and keep your past to yourself in future. Ime silly people like this never do get over this kind of thing and I think you can expect this to be thrown in your face for many years to come. Good Luck!

Just so we're clear - it was an "affair" I was married at the time and so was the guy - think that's where the slut stuff comes from....

I wouldn't allow him to subject you to another interrogation. You haven't done anything that warrants all of this cross-examination and outrage!

Yes, OP just tell him you're done talking about it so not to bother coming home. Stop letting him use so much control over the situation.

Honestly I would laugh in his face and be out when he comes home to "talk"! What the flying fark had it to do with him anyway, when it was long before you met?

DONT get upset and defensive, don't buy into it.

Hes actually going to leave work early to come home and interrogate you about something that is none of his business ? This sounds controlling and unhealthy .
Does he like for you to be the bad guy ?

He has no right to call you names or interrogate you , he sounds absoluteley fucking awful . Its not normal Op .

I strongly suspect this is simply an excuse for him to judge you and try to make you feel bad . Does he often try to make you feel bad ? Do you find yourself trying to appease him ?

This is all just what I've been thinking - controlling, jealous, unreasonable etc. But to hear it from other people is really helpful - thanks.

Diggs, you are quite right. He undermines me all the time, everything is done his way. Anytime I try to complain about anything, he accuses me of being hysterical. This is just the best ammo he's ever had to make me sweat....

Do you feel like you'd be in danger if you stood up to him?

When he 'comes home early from work' tell him the only thing to 'talk' about is what you're going to be doing this evening as anything you may have done in the past stays there, and you're not about to let him ruin the present and the future with his irrational jealousy.

If he doesn't agree stop making a complete arse of himself, dump the twat because his reaction to an affair you had years ago does not bode well for the future of your relationship with him.

I just feel like I'd never win - he'll never accept what I say. I always have to do the apologising even when it's not my fault. He shouts me down and overanalyses every thing I say, every word I use, always takes the worst interpretation of every word. If I say I don't know, that's because the questions just "got tricky" ie. I'm a liar - it's hell. I can@t belive I was so stupid to tell him about this.

X posted. Now I've read your additional response please amend mine (above) to simply 'dump the twat' because there's no way you should stay in a relationship with this controlling twunt.

Get out from under, gal - life's too short for you to waste any more time on him.

You have probably unwittingly got involved with a man with a script . They decide what they want you to be and set about making you be it . They define you and tell you what you are , what you think , and what your motives are . You are probably familiar with the LIST , a detailed description of all your faults and wrong doings . If this is the case , nothing you do will be good enough , and any attempt to come away from the script will probably earn you a harsh penalty . They have to keep telling you your shit , because they can then justify treating you badly .

My script was the under dog , less than , not good enough , but despite all my faults , he stuck around and loved me anyway . Wasnt i lucky . He now trawls for future victims , not partners , victims . Hes attracted to the vulnerable , the abused , the loneley . He will only ever date women he perceives as being beneath him , either socially , financially or educationally or in status .

stupid to tell him about this? Get yourself a relationship with a decent well-adjusted man that you can tell anything to without fear of recrimination or reprisal.

What are you doing staying with this twunt? You don't need him. He does nothing for you - and all he'll ever do is try to make you feel bad about yourself so that he can feel good about himself.

I think this relationship has run its course and its time for him to go

By the way OP, you haven't messed up he has and is in need of help that you can't give him.

If you think he'll kick off, can you get a mate there with you for backup?

What would happen , Op , if you refused to answer any more of his stupid questions ? Does he shout and yell , smash things up , physically intimidate you ?

There really is no point engaging in such nonsensical conversations with him , these people do not have conversations , every exchange is verbal warfare , if they dont like the answer they will simply change it and tell you that you have said something that you didnt say . The masters of manipulation , the re writers of history , these people claim to know what you think , know what you are going to say . They do not stop until you are in tears or youve exploded with frustration . Only then are they satisfied , well , once you say sorry that is .

This isnt an accidant , its not down to poor communication or a messed up childhood , its absoluteley deliberate , they know exactly what theyre doing . I suggest you order yourself some books ( the usual recommended ones ) and research emotional abuse tactics. You will see this sort of thing in black and white .

As regards refusing to talk, the last txt on that score was "engage and survive, withdraw and we are finished"! You guys have really helped me this afternoon, think I'll be withdrawing as soon as he walks in the door......