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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I fix this? Do I want to?

90 replies

ivmessedup · 01/02/2012 14:42

I've messed up. I recently, stupidly told my DP about an affair I had many years before we met with a work colleague. He knows the guy and it's been hell since. He wants to know why and analyses every single response I give. He says our relationship is based on a lie - on the person he thinks I was and now knows I'm not. Nothing I say makes any difference. Is it just me, or is he making a meal of this? (haven't said that of course - lol)Had to sit through an interrogation last night, told I was a slut and a liar etc etc. He sets traps for me, trying to trip me up - then - Aha! I knew you were lying about that - sort of thing. Help!

OP posts:
Ephiny · 01/02/2012 15:43

He sounds awful. OK, having an affair while you were married (to someone else) probably wasn't the finest thing you've ever done - but if it was before you even met him, it doesn't affect him directly and his reaction is completely bizarre and out of proportion.

Calling you names, setting 'traps' for you, ultimatums and threats...doesn't sound like someone I would want to 'engage' with. He sounds quite deranged, if I'm honest.

Diggs · 01/02/2012 15:43

Sorry Op , but Lol at that text . Who does he think he is ? It all sounds very SAS interrogation style with his dramatic remarks . Id be tempted to say i had accidently forwarded it to someone he respects Grin

WhereAreTheCakes · 01/02/2012 15:45

Good luck.

I used to be in a relationship where I had to censor what I said in case it led to the Spanish Inquisition and that I hadn't told him this at the start. Even had to say to friends not to mention what we'd done years ago - even when we were at school.

If you're already wondering whether it's worth it - then it's not.

Original poster
ivmessedup · 01/02/2012 15:50

Spanish Inquisition, SAS, is just what it feels like. I like that you laughed Diggs, made me laugh too that you had. The texts have been awful rants. I'll maybe re-read some of them now in a better frame of mind to remind me of how ridiculous this all is!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 15:53

is it worth it ?

no

Schnarkle · 01/02/2012 15:56

Just be careful. You call him on his behaviour later, more than likely he'll call your bluff and step back a bit. Making you think you have "won" this round. This interrogating won't end.

Why should there be anything to fix?

mojitomania · 01/02/2012 15:56

OP, just text back bye then!

Ephiny · 01/02/2012 15:56

It is ridiculous. He is ridiculous. Don't lose sight of that - sometimes if this sort of thing goes on long enough, you start to think it's normal. But it's not.

akaemmafrost · 01/02/2012 16:00

God what a TWAT! Dump him now, right this second and do NOT be there when he gets home!

Legobuildingpro · 01/02/2012 16:00

I would have to just tell him to fuck off. I really would.

Diggs · 01/02/2012 16:03

I wouldnt reply to any ridiculous texts , he probably keeps them as " eveidence " of how mad and hysterical you are . Id just set about getting rid of him . Your so rotton to live with , and have so many faults he should be glad of the chance of getting rid of you . Shouldnt he ? Hmm

Pickadaytocelebrate · 01/02/2012 16:09

Just get rid. It's none of his business and it's all really about control and bullying you. And when you tell him it's over be prepared for him to give you another chance and keep saying no.

sandyballs · 01/02/2012 16:10

WTF has that got to do with him, before you met him? The man is deranged. Hasn't he got a 'past'? He's behaving as though you have cheated on him!

Diggs · 01/02/2012 16:12

Ha ha , yes , if your really unlucky Op , he might even be as honourable as to forgive you for this .

Ahhhtetley · 01/02/2012 16:16

What you've done in your past life actually defines who you are... And if he loves you, he should realise that your past experiences are what should also loves.. We 'live and learn' as they say.

AND it's actually none of his business!

He sounds a bit of a cock tbh and is totally over reacting to this, and also sounds like he's using it as an excuse to give you a hard time - he can't 'actually' really think those things, surely a normal human being doesn't think like that??

tb · 01/02/2012 16:34

There isn't any chance that he has done anything "sluttish" is there? Often people call you more on something that they've done themself and bad about. Could be worth doing a little delving - if you can be bothered and don't just decide to dump the twunt.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 16:39

nah, he wouldn't apply his own lofty standards to himself though would he ?

women are "sluts"

men are simply randy and need to empty their balls whenever and with whoever they can

don't try and turn it back on a bloke who has so little respect for women in the first place...at best, you would be simply wasting your breath

at worst, it prolongs his assaults on your self esteem

best to simply tell him to take his judgement and fuck off to the back of beyond with it, let's see if it keeps him warm at night

izzyizin · 01/02/2012 16:46

Once you've kicked his sorry arse into orbit, choose the best of his rants texts, type them out using a large font, print them off, laminate the pages and use them as placemats permanent reminders of why you shouldn't have anything more to do with this twunt when he comes begging.

delilahbelle · 01/02/2012 16:47

My sister has just dumped a man who did exactly the same to her - although in her case she was single and it was a ONS with a married man.
It's taken 6 months of her being called a slut, cheap, and accused of all sorts for her to finally saw enough.
I'm proud of her for dumping the loser, but sad it took her so long to realise what a waste of space he was.

OP - hear what he's telling you. Do you want to be with a man who treats you like this?

Hardgoing · 01/02/2012 16:47

If anyone texted me that text 'engage and survive, withdraw and we are finished' I'd be helping them pack their bags.

Why do you feel like you need to put up with this? Are you free to leave (i.e. no children, mortgage?) What on earth would make you stick around to be made to grovel to keep this man?

You made a mistake, years ago. So what? I just wouldn't take any shit of this person, and the fact that he is delighted you did this (as he now has more things to beat you over the head with) rather than accepting of you as you are now tells you all you need to know. He's pleased you had an affair because it proves to him you are a lesser being. Except you are not, so don't behave like one.

KatieScarlett2833 · 01/02/2012 16:52

If anyone was stupid enough to send me that text they would never see or hear from me again unless mandated to by a court of law.

Controlling, nasty wanker. If you call his bluff he'll cave like a baby.

smogwod · 01/02/2012 16:58

I hate to go against the grain here but if I found this out about my DP after years together I would be incredibly upset too. Irrational and none of my business really, yes but that wouldn't stop me being deeply upset about it - I would change from being someone secure in the thought that their partner is not the type to ever have an affair to worrying about it happening again. And that's bound to change our relationship somewhat.
That said, I'm in no way condoning how your DP is handling this (he does sound like a bullying control freak) just that I can understand him being hurt.

AnyFucker · 01/02/2012 17:00

there is "hurt" and there is acting like the OP's judge, jury and arbiter of retribution

who the fuck does he think he is ?

KatieScarlett2833 · 01/02/2012 17:03

God, it would seem, AF

Legobuildingpro · 01/02/2012 17:03

He's not hurt. He's fucking loving it. Engage and survive WTAF? he's not hurt. He wants her to beg and grovel and kiss his cock for being a naught slut.

Suggesting he is hurt, and therefore somehow understandable, could normalise hell for the op.